To ask my DC stepmother to pay for their extra curricular activities?

[secretagent007]

Backstory:Ex-DP and I broke up 7 years ago, he left for another woman, we already had two DC - DD1 now 10 and DS now 8. After being splitting up I found out I was pregnant with DD2, but ex decided to stay with other woman and they were married 2 weeks before I gave birth. 6 weeks after I had DD2, OW discovers she is pregnant and gives birth to twin boys, so EX now has three DC who are 6 years old, as well as OW already having a DD who is only a month younger than my DD1.

Well that was an info spill; now onto the real issue:

My DC stepmother not only has a high paying job but when her first DH died he left her a very considerable amount of money and because of this, as far as I'm aware, her and EX keep separate finances, both contributing a percentage of their wage into a house hold account and then whatever is leftover is their own to spend on what they see fit (I know this seems like a ridiculous amount of information to know about EX finances but how I know will become apparent in a minute) Ex is a firefighter and earns a pretty average wage.

SM spoils her DC (Her and Ex have had a further three DD's), they have the best of everything - toys,clothes, electronics activities. Her eldest two DD's are both in competitive dance and own multiple ponies that they compete with , something my DD's would love to do but will never get the chance as I can't afford it.

My DC spend every fortnight, Friday evening through to Monday morning, at their fathers and most weekends follow are the same; SM and her daughters go off to a dance competition or horse show, while EX takes DTS to whatever activities they are doing that weekend, all fine and dandy, except neither me or ex can afford for them to do these activities, so my children just have to go and watch their brothers This is how they spend almost every weekend with their father!

Naturally this has caused more then a few fights between me and ex, as I think it's cruel to get my DC up every Saturday morning to go watch their siblings do all these fun activities knowing that they would never be able to do them. Ex has said he would pay half if I payed half, as this is what He and OW do,because it's not fair on his wife and other DC if he pays the full lot for our DC. He doesn't seem to understand that I earn a low wage and cannot afford to even pay half.

This is especially hard as the children are all such similar ages.

EX does take them all to soft play, wave pool and movies ect after, which is fully paid for out of his own pocket after ( I know, what a saint), but that doesn't make up for the fact his children have been forced to sit around all morning watching their brothers have fun.

It just seems my children will forever be getting the blunt end of the stick because their father and stepmother have decided to have separate finances.

So, would I be unreasonable to ask their step mother to either fund or give permission to EX to fund these activities? After all it is because of her financial situation that my children have to miss out, as she has made it clear to ex that she expects him to split everything evenly between all his children, and spend no more or no less on our children then he does on theirs, and she could afford it or would that just make me bitter, jealous cow? How should I go on from here?

[MissyMooandherBeaverofSteel]

Secret have you looked into dance classes at all? My DD goes to one for an hour a week and it costs £3.50, I know its not at a competition level or anything but she may really enjoy it anyway.

[Frikadellen]

OP

Could you not ask your x when he is going to take your 3 out for their treat that equvillent the £ he spends on the twins classes?

If he wont do mediation then I think the suggestion to change time spend with him and I would quote " your childrens emotional wellbeing" as the course.

I am 42 I have put to rest a fair bit about my childhood however I dont think I will ever truly understand why my x step mother could act like she did. as I had children of my own it became even more of a puzzle for me.

[JustFabulous]

Well it is clear to me that the father is not going to do the right thing by his first family now in terms of money/time/activities as he has already shown that he isn't fussed about doing right by them by cheating on their mother and breaking up the family.

My response would be to refuse access. Sorry but it would. Those poor children are being shown constantly how they are not as special, beautiful, or worthy as the other children by the fact they can't do the activities and don't even merit their own bedroom. I feel so sorry for them.

I spent time in a family where I was never treated the same as the other children and I am so scrupilous now about making sure my children never feel that anyone is getting something that they are not.

[McNewPants2013]

I would refuse access until he can treat all his children fairly.

I think this is emotional neglect and I feel sorry for the child always on the side line.

[Worriedaboutchances]

It is grossly unfair. If they won't compromise with you can you cut down the amount of time they spend with them?

[secretagent007]

No, I can't. There is a court order in place.

[TandB]

OP, I think you should take the financial side of things out of the equation altogether and simply point out to your ex that it is absolutely unacceptable that on the days when he has contact with three of his eight children, he enables the other children to do fun things and makes these three sit and watch them do it.

These are HIS contact days. How he works out the finances is his problem. I assume you pay for everything they do when they are with you? Either he pays for all the children to be treated absolutely equally when they are in his care - forget the stepmother and the other DDs as they are off doing their own thing - or they all do something cheap/free that they can all participate in. He shouldn't be asking you to fund his contact time with the children - he just needs to get his head out of his backside and make sure all of his children enjoy their time with him and with each other. If the SM is unwilling to have the twins miss out on any of their activities then she can make alternative arrangements for them.

If he isn't willing to do that then I would suggest mediation and possibly a return to court to renogotiate the terms of the contact order so that he doesn't have your children on a Saturday morning when he appears to be unable to place their interests equal to those of his other children.

He's being an utter cunt. If he wants to have separate financial arrangements to his wife, or let her spend vast amounts of money on the children they have together, that is entirely up to him. But he has a duty to make sure that when he has his other children, they are not treated as second-class citizens. If he can't sort himself out then the current contact arrangements are unsustainable and have to change. I can't imagine any court looking terribly favourably upon a father insisting on having contact for a period of time when he makes one set of children sit and do nothing while the other set have fun.

[McNewPants2013]

Take it back to court then.

It is unacceptable that your children are treated as 2nd class over his other children.

I hope he is paying you maintance

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Ah, kungfupannda always puts her finger right on it - in your shoes I would follow her advice OP.

[TandB]

If you want it to stop and he won't do anything about it, then you need the contact order changed.

I would suggest that you approach him verbally to see if he is willing to change the contact arrangements. If not then put your proposals in writing. If he still isn't interested then you need to see a solicitor, or you could actually do it yourself if you've been through the process before. Letters to try to reach agreement, mediation, if he will agree to it. If he refuses or mediation fails, then application to the court to vary the contact order to lose Saturday mornings and replace with another convenient time.

I would imagine that the court will look favourably upon such an application if you can show you've tried to reach agreement and are willing to facilitate contact at another time to replace that Saturday morning contact which is completely detrimental to your children.

You never know, if he thinks you will take it back to court he (and possibly SM) might grudgingly come up with the money to treat all the DCs equally.

[Nanny0gg]

If they didn't keep their finances separate, but combined them as many people do, should they then pay for the OP's children to do these activities?

I think it's awful that the children are treated so differently. It's building up a lifetime of resentment which will not end well for their dad.

[TandB]

Whereyouleftit - it's been a long time since I did family law though!

I'd qualify that with "check she isn't talking out of her arse first!"

Isn't Spero a family lawyer?

[secretagent007]

My fear is that I would get to court and get laughed at, because once you summarize it, my complaint is pretty much ' My DC Stepsister's deceased fathers estate pays for her hobby and education, their brothers play tennis on a Saturday morning and my DC are jealous' When put like that even I know it sounds petty.

[bamboostalks]

kungfupanda has it in one. This man is a total disgrace. Having brought 8 children into this world, he cannot treat them equally and is happy to rub the less fortunate children's noses in it. Beast.

[JustFabulous]

No, your complaint isn't that at all. And surely it is worth a bit of humiliation through laughter - though I am sure a judge would not laugh at you - is worth it if it means your children are not seen as worth less.

[5madthings]

What kungfu said, your ex is being an arise, horribly mean for the children.

[yellowsubmarine53]

I agree take the finances out of it, and the reality is that 3 of his children have to watch the other 2 having fun every fortnight. This isn't on, it just isn't.

He either needs to find an activity that all the children can do eg pay for his other 3 children to have tennis lessons or whatever, or focus on the children who do not have a scheduled activity and make other arrangements for the ones who do.

The current situation will cause short and long term problems for all the children involved and have a very negative effect on their relationships.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

It's not about your DC being jealous OP. It's about their contact time with their father being restricted to catering for his other children. It's about them not having their own space at his house, being relegated to 'guests'. It's about their noses being rubbed in it. It's about unkindness on the part of the adults towards the children they so obviously find surplus to requirements.

[McNewPants2013]

I am not laughing at you, I think what he is doing could be very damaging to your DC mental Heath.

His other children has him 24/7 and when he does see your dc he is spending his time and money on them these other children while your DC are sat on the side lines.

[Roseformeplease]

Surely he is damaging his relationship with some of his children? When they get old enough to choose for themselves whether or not to see him, they will probably refuse.

I also think you should try ad remove money from the equation. Surely, at bottom, it is about time (quality time, although I hate that expression). They are spending their time facilitating the SM's children's activities rather than having time, focused on them, with their father. I think they should let him know they are fed up and restless.

Also, there must be free or cheap activities they can do. Council run tennis courts? Local clubs that offer subsidised access? Can you look out for something for them to do on Saturday morning that is free/cheap and get the, signed up and leave him to take them on his weekends?

Sorry, you have probably thought of this. Sounds horrible. I had a similar situation with cars and money being lavished on half siblings and I ended up resenting them AND my father.

[realcoalfire]

YANBU.Your DC are part of the family too and the fact that the couple keep separate finances is irrelevant She took on your Ex knowing he came with baggage.

[RabidCarrot]

I really think it is your EX that needs to be footing the bill, maybe he should have thought about the cost of raising all his children before having so many.

[LPplusOne]

Weekend activities/classes (ie. judo, art classes, football, etc) for 6 year olds don't tend to last much more than an hour. At least they don't where we live. So, in reality, the time OP's DC spend 'watching' their siblings every second weekend (1-1.5 hrs at most) is actually not that long and then, according to OP's description, DF takes them all to another activity such as soft play. It's not as though OP's children are being dragged along to the horse and dance lessons/competitions (which are generally more time consuming than a once-a-week kung fu class. I fail to see what the big fuss is about.

[LPplusOne]

And yes, if anyone needs to shell out, it's DF - not his DCs SM!

[ClutchingMyPearls]

As much as OP's exh is to blame for this I do agree with another poster that SM is probably making it harder for these "little reminders" to be around by not having a house to accommodate all children or at very least decorating a lovely room for them.

I used to be a step mum with separate finances from my then DP. (Again not OW!) and I bought a house (my mortgage, not his) with 3 rooms instead of 2 so DSD could have her own room. It's what's you do for children. I'm appalled by your story OP and have no practical advice but I do think contact needs to changed to avoid the Saturday. No one will laugh. Your poor children.