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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not go to hospital with husband and baby

157 replies

MeconiumHappens · 05/01/2013 09:48

My OH has 6 monthly check ups at a specialist hospital for a long term serious health problem. This hospital is 2hrs drive away. He wont go alone, ive always gone with him, or his mum if i cant get out of work.

We now have a 7 month old. DH think me and baby should go with him next week. Its 2hr drive there, up to 2 hr wait in busy clinic then 2 hr drive home. Im refusing to go, i dont want baby in car seat that long, and think a clinic is not the place for a baby, particularly in noro virus season. He thinks im being really selfish. Its his mums birthday so doesnt think its fair to ask her. He wont go on his own. He gave me the old "well if somethings wrong it'll be your fault" Angry

AIBU?

OP posts:
BigBoobiedBertha · 05/01/2013 15:54

I agree sauvignon - I was thinking the same thing. We would need to know more about the condition to really pass judgement decide if she was being really unreasonable. I am probably reading more into the post by the OP at 11.08 but I wondered if he had a bowel condition like Crohns (hence the shit reference!) where you would indeed know if there was a flare up and bad news before the visit. There must be quite a few chronic conditions where ill health would be apparent before a check up and a lack of symptoms would mean no cause for concern.

How others can judge that the OP for deciding it isn't going to be anything other than routine without knowing what her DH's appointment for, I don't know. She would know what is happening having been dealing with this for some time. It would also explain why her DH isn't stressed because he would, of course, know too.

On the other hand, something like cancer, you may not know because there aren't always symptoms even if there is something horribly wrong.

What is wrong has a bearing on whether she is being unreasonable although I am still inclined to think her DH is being childish for refusing to go if she doesn't, unless he admits to wanting support which he hasn't.

mercibucket · 05/01/2013 15:56

just realised i can also comment on the baby in waiting room aspect as that was my life for 5 years, but weekly or monthly appointments with a 2 hour drive each way. yes, it's a crap day out! deeply annoying entertaining mobile babies and toddlers fir hours at a time, then they sleep so much in the car they're up all night

PavlovtheCat · 05/01/2013 15:57

Serioulsy? 6 mths to a year is by far the hardest age to keep occupied hahahaha! 1-3yrs has got to be the worst age. At 7 months you can stuff em in a pushchair/carseat and go for a walk, without them doing Houdini tricks on you.

ceebie · 05/01/2013 16:02

My DH is diabetic and I tell him if he loves his children he'll work his damnedest to keep it under good control and go to all his appointments, if he wants to have a long and happy future with them. Very harsh I know but it works.

Tell him you're not going and if he cares at all about his child, then he'll be going to each and every one of his appointments. Buy him a new CD for the car or something, and a book to read when he gets there.

BigBoobiedBertha · 05/01/2013 16:04

Yes you can go for a walk but the whole point of the OP going with her OH is so she can sit with him and keep him company. Going for a walk isn't an option. There is no way a 7 mth old baby would sit in a pushchair without moving for 2 hours.

I would rather do several hundred circuits of a waiting room with a toddling child than have to placate a crying 7 mth old who just wants to get out of a pushchair and either be held or allowed to roll around on the grubby hospital floor.

Older children also have a longer attention span. My two would have looked at a book long enough to grab it and throw it at 7 mths. At 1+ they would at least look at the pictures for a few mintues at a time and you can have proper conversation with them.

They are easy when they are tiny and I love them when they are over 1 yr but the second half of the 1st year is such hard work.

McNewPants2013 · 05/01/2013 16:05

I wouldn't go either unless I had child care, a hospital waiting room is not the place for babies and children unless there isn't a choice.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/01/2013 16:17

PurpleCrazyHorse
I think you make a good point about the other people in the waiting room. I know when I go for my cancer screening that there are sometimes other women there who are extremely worried e.g. they have found a lump. I don't really think that its the right place for my children as other people might find them being there stressful.

Truthfully, if I got bad news I wouldn't want them there (they are older than the OP's child). I would want a bit of time to process things and get myself back on a even keel so I didn't worry my children too much.

Ihatecobwebs · 05/01/2013 16:20

Just wondered whether anyone has checked whether the baby would be allowed in the waiting room?

When my DM was ill a few years ago, and had monthly appointments, day surgery treatments etc, the hospital wouldn't let me in with DS most of the time, due to their infection control. Only times I went in with him was when she was ambulanced in one day, and I followed in car and went in to find out if they were keeping her overnight (as they had to talk to me directly, not through the Reception), and when I collected her on discharge. Otherwise I took her to hospital and had to leave her at the door.

Climbingpenguin · 05/01/2013 16:53

the people saying about the situation being flipped I'm not sure I agree with.

Many a MNer has gone to ultrasound appointments by themselves other OH looks after other children. Bad news could be given then as well.

crashdoll · 05/01/2013 17:05

It depends on the condition and his clinic. It might not be appropriate for a baby to be in the waiting room. There may be immunosuppressed patients and babies present risks to people with lower immune systems.

As an adult with a chronic health condition, I hate going to the hospital on my own even for a routine check up. I need the support. Your DH says it's because he wants company but perhaps there are other reasons.

curiousuze · 05/01/2013 17:32

I don't understand all these grown adults who would drag a poor baby from pillar to post for absolutely no good reason. Part of being a grown up is dealing with hospital appointments and other unpleasant things. I don't think I could handle having a partner who needed hand holding like this.

And in reverse I did attend a CVS test alone because my DH was on holiday and I mixed my dates up when booking it. It could have been bad news - my previous pregnancy was terminated due to a fatal condition revealed by scan and cvs test - but that's life and when you're an adult you just get on with it, don't you? My DH gave me support by phone and that was fine.

fuzzypicklehead · 05/01/2013 17:32

You really do need to ring up the hospital and find out if you & the baby would even be allowed in. I've been for tests and clinics at my local and found that security only allowed individuals with appointments through because of norovirus. Everybody else had to wait in the cafe or the entrance waiting area.

SauvignonBlanche · 05/01/2013 17:34

That's a good point, fingers crossed. Grin

Pandemoniaa · 05/01/2013 17:42

He DID say if i dont go with him he's not going and it'll be my fault if something is missed which i think is very childish

This makes all the difference to me. Of course you'd prefer to be there to offer support but this time things are made more complicated by having a 7-month old baby. To lay this sort of emotional blackmail on you is childish and unreasonable. I'm sorry he has a chronic health condition but he's an adult, ffs. He needs to accept that sometimes you have to face things on your own.

Goodadvice1980 · 05/01/2013 17:58

YANBU OP.

Your DH is being very childish and spiteful with his comments.

As an aisde, is he jealous of the baby?

BookFairy · 05/01/2013 18:26

Just to make this clear:

Your H wants you to go so he can show off the baby and so he doesn't get bored?

Right.

Clearly the OP is not neglecting her vows. and being a "nasty person". It is a routine check up. I have a long term condition and go alone to routine appointments. Unless any tests have been done beforehand it is extremely unlikely that there will be any unexpected news.

Is it the Homerton? Not much around there!

YANBU btw :)

SomersetONeil · 05/01/2013 18:39

I cannot imagine dragging my DH and small baby to such a long-winded appointment, just so as to stop me from getting bored. Hmm

And as such, I don't have much sympathy for anyone else who would. I think it's a little bit self-indulgent and selfish.

YANBU.

crashdoll · 05/01/2013 19:01

Well, I would want a loved one to come with me, so I suppose that makes me selfish and self-indulgent.

Moominsarescary · 05/01/2013 19:12

If you do go he probably won't want you to again, we had to take 7 month ds 3 to my postnatal appointment and to a few appointments in this pregnancy and even without the long drive he gets bored and it's a pita

motherinferior · 05/01/2013 19:15

I wouldn't go. And in all honesty, if it means taking time off work and your partner does have a potentially problematic condition, I think you need quite hard-headedly to stack up as much leave and goodwill at work as possible, just in case you do have to take unexpected time off later.

LunaticFringe · 05/01/2013 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DameSaggarmakersbottomknocker · 05/01/2013 19:26

crashdoll - it's fine to want a loved one with you, it doesn't make you self-indulgent. But its not fine when your loved one has valid reason for not coming along to then blackmail them with comments like 'I won't go then' or 'If anything's wrong, it's your fault'.

MudCity · 05/01/2013 19:27

No you are not being unreasonable.

However, his response is most certainly unreasonable.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/01/2013 19:35

I also agree Bilbo. This thread has really made me sad. Of course you should go OP

Bogeyface · 05/01/2013 19:54

Of course it is selfish and self indulgent!

He isnt worried, doesnt want support, just wants someone to talk to so he isnt bored. Forget the fact that the baby will be bored, crying, whatever and that the OP will be desperately trying to pacifiy the baby in order that the other patients aren't disturbed.

Oh no, lets go and stop the poor little lamb from having to amuse himself Hmm

Then to stick emotional blackmail on top, that is incredibly selfish and bloody nasty.

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