to think we can parent differently to SIL and avoid sleep problems?

[GoingToRegretThis]

I have actually NC for this as not sure this thread is a wise idea, but want honest opinions.

We are just starting ttc number 1 after ages debating about it. One of DH big concerns is that the baby simply will not sleep, as this is what happens with SIL's children. They go to bed okay but are up and down all night, for example, waking up at 2 or 3am, getting into bed with their parents, refusing to sleep and wanting to play. SIL's children are 2 and 5.

DH is terrified of this as for financial reasons we will both have to WOH. He is prepared for a rough few months with a new baby but feels it will be a nightmare if we hit 2 years and are still surviving on < 4 hours/ night.

I think that SIL has naturally wakeful DC, but I also keep telling DH you can parent to minimise that. For ex, SIL will take the children into bed and not insist on them staying in their own beds. That is NOT a criticism, as she is a lovely mum and very child-centred. But I think we can be stricter, parent differently, and not encounter the same problems years down the line as she does.

Am I just a crazy optimist? Are there just some children who never sleep no matter what, and getting up with them is what you do? Or is it actually possible if you are a working parent to work out an okay routine with wakeful children?

[GoingToRegretThis]

Tee actually that is kind of how I feel - I am mid 30s and for ages thought I would never meet someone to have dc with. We have spent ages saving up and planning for when we could afford dc. Now we are ready to get on with it but whilst I am desperate to have a baby suddenly DH has this grim 'we'll do it but it might be terrible' kind of attitude.

[amck5700]

Tee - we were the same - i ended up with 2 13 months apart after that - that wouldn't have happened if he hadn't been a good sleeper ;)

He also used to lay happily under a baby gym - drop of for a nap and then wake up and start playing again :)

[higgle]

Whatever they are like you learn to cope and you love them. You look back and wonder how you did it. I was a solicitor doing evening and night work in police stations and court work all day when mine were little, neither of them reliably slept through until they were 8 months old. I went back to work when they were 8 weeks old on both occasions. DH and I slept in separate rooms and took night duty with baby in turns. At least you get uninterupted sleep every other night that way. We did buy a book about the controlled crying technique with DS2 and it did seem to work.

[Tee2072Thing]

My son was a terrible sleeper, amck. For years. He didn't really start sleeping well until he was nearly 3.

Sorry, OP, not what you want to hear.

And it had nothing to do with parenting, but with being ill a lot and having night terrors and lots of things like that that just can't be controlled.

[newtonupontheheath]

OP please can you come back when you have your pfb and tell me how to parent so we don't have sleep problems?

My ds wakes in the night and gets in our bed, DH gets out so we all get a good nights sleep. DD has been treated exactly the same and is sleeping better at 3months than ds is at 2.3.

If you can spot what I have down different to make this happen, you're a better parent than me.

When you do have your own dc, you will realise they are unique... Not your dnieces and denephews. If you don't cuddle them when they cry in the night, nobody else will. That makes me which is why my ds is allowed to come in for a cuddle when he is sad in the dark. And my dd will if she wakes when she's older. And any other dc we have.

[Sabriel]

DC1 slept through from the age of 7 weeks. DC2 didn't sleep through until he was almost 3 years. Then we were blessed with Dc3 with SEN who only needed 5 hours sleep a night, and DC4 who would have slept 23 hours a day.

Currently having refusal-to-go-to-sleep and several wakings a night issues with our almost 6yo DC5.

Anyone who insists they never have problems due to their superior parenting skills is either lying or deluded.

[SirBoobAlot]

If its a family trait to need less sleep, then I think you should be working on the basis of that, tbh.

Breastfeeding, co-sleeping and having a supportive partner who will not moan when you need a nap all come in handy.

Being anxious about specific things is completely normal; I was worried about bathing DS as a small baby! Being worried about the overall disruption is kind of an indicator that he isn't ready, I feel. Children are disruption, but they shouldn't feel like it when you're thinking of conceiving, IYKWIM. Think practically, yes, but if you are already saying, "It's going to disrupt everything!" as your conclusion from thinking about things, then that would really concern me.

[catgirl1976geesealaying]

We spent the first 4 months or so worn out and up every couple of hours

I think that's pretty standard unless you get blessed with a baby that sleeps through straight away (I have heard they exist but certainly don't have one)

Then we started co-sleeping which was great and saved my sanity

At 9 months we put him in his own room but were still up two or so times a night

At 12 months we did CC which worked like a dream and (fingers crossed) he now sleeps from 8pm to around 6am

The CC was the best thing we ever did and I think we could have done it from about 9 months but I really don't think he would have been ready for it any earlier than that

All babies are different so you might get lucky or you might get really unlucky

Either way you just have to find what works for you but don't rule anything out other than the fact you will be throwing your preconceptions out of the window faster than you get through nappies! :)

[amck5700]

Tee, that's what I mean I think, there are things you can do to help with some little ones, others are just naturally good sleepers but sometimes you just get a poor sleeper for whatever reason but you cope with it, just don't presume that that is the norm and all babies are like that and there is nothing that can be done.

[AKissIsNotAContract]

I don't have children yet OP and I worry about this stuff too. I speak to friends who have children and think 'how will I manage on a few hours sleep, I love my sleep'. But my friends with children all say it's worth all the rough times because of all the amazing times you'll have with your DCs too.

[dreamingbohemian]

So what is he prepared to do if it is terrible?

I think that's the key question. It's not so bad to worry. But what is he prepared to do about it?

I would want an answer to this question before going any further. You don't want to find out later he's not ready to make any changes to his life or lifestyle (aka disruption).

[Tee2072Thing]

True, amck. Also, things change.

My son was a baby who I actually woke up on our first night home because he had slept for nearly 6 hours!

Then he turned about 11 months and it all went to pot...

[Owlfright]

Please let's consider the possibility that OP's DH might adjust well to having DC and be a great Dad. I'm concerned that people are telling her this is not the case, and that to worry about how having DC will change your life is a sign of not really wanting or bring prepared for them- which is not necessarily true.

I think I've seen many threads from women who are considering the impact that havi g DC will have on their lives, and who are worried about it. Sometimes these women are already pregnant with longed for babies, but are having a wobble.

They get many responses along the lines of it being normal to worry but that it will be worth it, and that once DC arrive your fierce love for them overpower your concerns.....

[NaturalBaby]

Ds1 was not a great sleeper but I didn't return to work so didn't need him to be. Even so, I really struggled and eventually did sleep training at 7months. He's slept perfectly ever since.
I used a strict GF (sleep part only as BF) routine from day 1 with ds3 and he was a much better sleeper but still took 9months to sleep through.

It sounds like you're being realistic and your DH is putting obstacles in the way.

[riksti]

I think you're being a bit unfair saying the OP (or her husband) aren't ready to have children just because they don't think of it in a rosy everything-will-be-perfect tone. I understand the OP's husband, I think, as I'm a worrier an try to plan and expect everything as things don't feel so bad if you're prepared. So I went into my pregancy thinking I will never sleep again until my child is a teenager. It helped because the 5-6 hours of sleep I got over a 24h period felt like an absolute bonus in the beginning. And it got better around 3 months. We had to do some sleep training after I went back to work because I couldn't deal with 3 feeds a night but by that time it was fine because my husband and I had both learned how to deal with temporary disruptions to sleep.

[noblegiraffe]

I can sympathise with his 'grim it might be terrible attitude' because I'm 8 months pregnant with my second and I know from my first how awful it actually was.

But I know that I've done it once and am prepared to do it again as I want a sibling for DS. And I know that I've got a very supportive partner. This is really important.

And hey, this time it might be different, so there's always hope.

[GoingToRegretThis]

dreaming I think - think - he will be fantastic if things are tough.

I think this because of how he is now. I have a v tough job with long hours which I am already planning to scale down. Last year I did not have a day off from Oct-march other than 3 days at Christmas and one other random day.

DH cooked, shopped, got on with things, rubbed my neck when I was tired and understood when I was a total bitch bit tired in the evenings. He was amazing. We got through. I feel like, if we have children, he will fall in love, as he always takes to children, and if things are tough, he will cope.

I almost think he does not have enough confidence in himself but when things happen, he rises to the occasion.

I hope. But like I said, my dad supposedly wanted DC, never did a stitch, totally didn't cope with children well, and my parents got divorced. I feel like you just have to make an educated guess as I'm pretty sure my mum didn't see that coming.

[GoingToRegretThis]

Owl and riksti thank you :) those posts made me feel much better.

[MollyMurphy]

Hmmm. mine is not a good sleeper (he is 2.5 now). I wonder if its us or just how he is TBH. He never co-slept with us until I went back to work and couldn't handle being up for hours every night. He's always had a solid routine. We read lots of books....worked hard on self-settling, making sure his room was just right - temperature, light level, introduced comfort toy - on and on and on. He just goes through these cycles of sleep disruption....sometimes for weeks at a time. Could be teething, a cold coming, a growth spurt....most of the time we have no idea. Aside from leaving him to cry, we've tried it all. The leave to cry thing is not our cup of tea so we haven't gone down that road yet.

It's trying but we cope - we have no choice. Now I follow less rules and go with the flow. I'm sure we seem like we are making a rod for our own backs to some....but it's so different when they are yours.

[Tee2072Thing]

There's no way to predict the future, Going. So your husband may absolutely step up and be a great dad. I hope so, in fact!

[BadPoet]

I did everything I could to maximise sleep for everyone, for various reasons including medical ones. For us this meant co-sleeping. My children are now 9 and 6 and sleep in their own beds all night, every night, and it has been this way for years. They are also excellent at sleeping in unfamiliar beds on holidays, sleepovers etc. So yes, I think how you parent does affect how your children end up as sleepers.

[FutureNannyOgg]

DS1 was waking every 2 hours when i went back to work, he was 8mo .CO sleeping was the best way for everyone to get rest, he was much more settled and I never had to leave my bed. He went to his own bed happily at 22mo - he didn't sleep through until 18months.
DS2 we had the same approach, at 5 mo he sleeps better than his brother at 16 mo.
When I was pregnant first time I planned to put him in his own room when he out grew his Moses basket. I claimed he was never going to be in my bed because I thought it was dangerous, I learned better. Parenting is one huge learning curve. It's ok to not know everything from the start, but please don't mention your ideas to SIL.

[MollyMurphy]

Oh I should add OP....our bad sleeper is a wonderful child and we love him more than breathing . if you want children I think you have to expect some difficulties but also expect that you will grow and stretch as people becoming capable of more than you imagined.

[noblegiraffe]

I think if before I'd had DS someone had told me how little sleep I would get, I would have thought 'how on earth will I cope???' but the thing is, when you have a baby, especially if you have a bad sleeper, it's an utter revelation how little sleep you can manage on. It's like a completely different world to the one where you're used to 8 solid hours and feel like crap if you go to bed an hour late or get woken early. Now that my DS sleeps, I'm back to feeling rubbish if my sleep is broken, but back then I had a whole year of not getting more than 2 hours sleep at any given time, and often getting less than that, and still managing to function. I drove long distances without the slightest worry that I'd fall asleep at the wheel, I visited friends, went for days out, went back to work. And it was doable. It wasn't great, but you just go into a different zone.

[katiecubs]

I really eodn't base your decision to have a child around this! Infact if you do I think you are not ready!