to think we can parent differently to SIL and avoid sleep problems?

[GoingToRegretThis]

I have actually NC for this as not sure this thread is a wise idea, but want honest opinions.

We are just starting ttc number 1 after ages debating about it. One of DH big concerns is that the baby simply will not sleep, as this is what happens with SIL's children. They go to bed okay but are up and down all night, for example, waking up at 2 or 3am, getting into bed with their parents, refusing to sleep and wanting to play. SIL's children are 2 and 5.

DH is terrified of this as for financial reasons we will both have to WOH. He is prepared for a rough few months with a new baby but feels it will be a nightmare if we hit 2 years and are still surviving on < 4 hours/ night.

I think that SIL has naturally wakeful DC, but I also keep telling DH you can parent to minimise that. For ex, SIL will take the children into bed and not insist on them staying in their own beds. That is NOT a criticism, as she is a lovely mum and very child-centred. But I think we can be stricter, parent differently, and not encounter the same problems years down the line as she does.

Am I just a crazy optimist? Are there just some children who never sleep no matter what, and getting up with them is what you do? Or is it actually possible if you are a working parent to work out an okay routine with wakeful children?

[yousmell]

Almost all children I know sleep through aged 2. Yes there might be the odd night they are sick or have a nightmare but most are very settled and stay in their own beds. Saying that babies aren't miniature robots and won't necessarily fit into the routine you already have in your mind

[noblegiraffe]

My DS was a fucking awful sleeper for well over a year, maybe 2. There were various issues that contributed to this (reflux, constipation) that didn't help but also he just needed a lot of help getting to sleep. I remember at a post natal group looking around in astonishment at babies falling asleep in mother's arms as they chatted when mine just got angrier as he got more tired and needed severe rocking for prolonged periods to go to sleep (put them down awake hah hah). I could have decided to parent differently but it wouldn't have helped as it wasn't the parenting causing his sleep issues. We did what we had to do to get any sleep at all.

He's 3.5 and a fab sleeper now. However, we worked through it, existing on very little sleep, both me and my DH. Even when I was on maternity, even though I only work part time, he got up in the night too, did early mornings, let me get some sleep. I would have gone insane if he hadn't. Honestly. I would worry that your DH would abdicate all responsibility for sleeping to you because of his commute, because he has to work, because we discussed this before the baby was born and you know I need my sleep. If you get a crap sleeper, you must be sure that he will pull his weight.

[GoingToRegretThis]

Booyho thanks. I maybe am naive. But I have thought about this for a long time. I actually once started a thread right when we first discussed ttc (long time lurker) asking about how people coped with children with SN and mostly got told I was overthinking it!!

I think DH wants children in principle but is also worried about the disruption. I guess my own take on this is that he only sees the negatives and will feel differently when he has a child of his own. He is a very caring, loving, and responsible person and I think he will deal well with fatherhood. But obviously this is just my judgement call. My own dad wanted children very much, but did bugger all when we were born and hardly changed a nappy in his life despite having 4.

[Iggly]

"anxious about disruption".

Even if your children were perfect eaters and sleepers your life changes. If it doesn't then you must be a cop out hands off parent.

[GoingToRegretThis]

Tee this is not mention to be controversial, but as for this

The definition of children is disruption, even if they sleep from day 1 and eat everything in front of them. If you're worried about disruption, or your husband is, then don't have children

do you not think worrying about this stuff is normal then? Honestly? Before you had DC did you think 'Great, SN, sleep deprivation, picky eaters, I don't care!'

Or did you feel like 'gosh, it's going to be tough and being a childless person is fun, but I really want children long term and I'm going to try taking the plunge'?

I thought I was ready to gird up my loins and give it a shot but maybe I am wrong and most people just feel 100% certain about everything before they have DC - ??

[Booyhoo]

" he only sees the negatives and will feel differently when he has a child of his own."

oh op! people's personalities dont change when they become parents. if he's a pessimist he will always be a pessimist! he will just start seeing more negatives after the baby is born, ones he hadn't even thought of and will be grumpy because it's having an effect on him that he didn't even think of.

if he's anxious aboyt disruption, he'll always be anxious about disruption. tbh i dont think he sounds like he can cope with the life changes a child brings. is he a bit of a control freak?

[dreamingbohemian]

You also have to remember that sleep is just one part of it all.

My DS was a terrible night-time sleeper but otherwise was practically perfect very laidback and happy, took nice long daytime naps, never got sick, really a dream about everything but sleep. One of my friends on the other hand had a DC who slept through very early on, but was otherwise very difficult wanted constant attention, always grumpy, very difficult to wean, etc.

You really do have to go with the flow -- be grateful for the things that are good and muddle through on the things that aren't.

How much maternity leave will you take? Can you cut back on your hours/commute? What options do you have if things do get difficult?

[Owlfright]

I do get where the posters concerned with OP's DH's commitment to having DC are coming from. However, as an awful over thinker (and worrier), I worried about how life would change if we had DC, and how I would cope. But it didn't mean I didn't want DC, or that I wasn't committed to giving them 100%.

[MurderOfGoths]

"do you not think worrying about this stuff is normal then? Honestly? Before you had DC did you think 'Great, SN, sleep deprivation, picky eaters, I don't care!' "

I think the best thought process is probably, "I know it's going to be damn hard but it'll be worth it, I'll just be prepared for the worst". Rather than, "I don't want it to disrupt things".

[Iggly]

It's the disruption comment that got me.

I'm very anxious - I didn't realise just how much until the DCs arrived. But disruption - I knew that would happen.

[dreamingbohemian]

x-post

I would be scared shitless of having a child with someone who was anxious about disruption. Children ARE disruption. And you do not want to share the newborn days with a committed pessimist because it can indeed be rough and having someone focus on all the worst bits will make it so much harder.

Of course no one looks forward to sleep deprivation and all the rest of it but most take your approach and hope for the best.

You really need to make sure he's on board with this. My fear for you is that if you do end up with a bad sleeper he will basically say 'I told you so!' and leave you to deal with it.

[MsNobodyAgain]

It's a total lottery. I parented my 3 DCs the same. 2 sleep with no problems. The other has been referred to a Sleep Clinic because he's so bad.

Awful. 8 years of broken nights and nothing works.

[GoingToRegretThis]

is he a bit of a control freak?

No Booy totally the opposite! Quite, chilled, and pretty independent. I actually think he will make an excellent father to a child, because he is interested in education, explaining things, taking walks, nature, and reading.

I think he will be less keen on the baby stage but he has a great sense of responsibility and although I think he will feel miffed at losing sleep, he is not one to let me get on with stuff while he puts his feet up. I sort of think there will be tough time but we will get through them, SIL's situation is extreme and there are ways to manage, and the rewards will compensate for the changes.

I guess I was just looking for reassurance but this thread has given me a lot to think about.

[amck5700]

I surely can't be the only one who didn't think about disruption and lack of sleep before we decided to have kids?

I just thought about the nice stuff :o

[Tee2072Thing]

Before you had DC did you think 'Great, SN, sleep deprivation, picky eaters, I don't care!'

Yes. That's what I thought. I found out I was pregnant and all I thought was 'WHOOT!! A BABY!!!'

And I have Anxiety Disorder and other assorted issues but I have never been one to fret about things I can't control. And you can't control children in many many ways.

[GoingToRegretThis]

Iggly I guess we know it will happen, it's just thinking how to manage it. That's why I started this in part, as I think there may be ways to manage.

I think DH's attitude is 'the child will be lovely but we will never sleep again' and I just think that's a bit ott...... that we can get on with it, people do......

[amck5700]

think positive OP and it definitely doesn't have to be the same as your SILs situation - I think chilled parents have chilled babies. You may get kids that aren't great sleepers, but at the end of the day you will cope and will work out what is more important.

[squidkid]

I think it's very random how well your babies sleep.

I was very baby led, and co-slept, and did not try any baby-training techniques whatsoever, and I didn't basically put my baby down for about 5 weeks and she fed every 1-2 hours in the day and night and demanded to be held always, and then suddenly she started sleeping through the night and now at 13 weeks old sleeps 11 hours straight a night. (and we are no longer co-sleeping even though I was happy to long term)

I don't take credit for it, I parented the way I wanted, my child's security and feeling of being loved being very important to me, and that's the way it ended up.

I was an excellent sleeper as a baby and so was boyfriend. maybe that has something to do with it.

I never judge parents with kids who don't sleep. Kids massively vary.

[GoingToRegretThis]

Tee maybe the difference is I am not pg yet. Hmmm.

[amck5700]

.....on the other hand, you may get a baby that sleeps through in the hospital like me :)

[BackforGood]

I'm with you amck - I just presumed babies slept most of the time, woke and had a feed every 4 hours, then, gurgled happily a bit while people passed them round
I guess some of us are 'glass half full' people and some are 'glass half empty' people. Maybe Going's dh is a half empty person, or a natural worrier.
Honestly though, you can't understand the fierce love that kicks in for your own child, and the ability you have as parents to cope with all sorts of things that would have horrified you pre-children.
Don't worry so much! Get on with the ttc

[CheerfulYank]

A child will disrupt absolutely everything, but it will be wonderful.

TBH I'm kind of with you on the sleep. You can't make a child a good sleeper, but from 3/4 you can insist that they stay in bed and allow others to sleep.

[Tee2072Thing]

No, I think the difference is overall attitude.

It took me nearly 2 years to conceive my son and we weren't sure it was going to happen at all (I'm very very old) so I had lots of time to think. And all I really thought about was how very badly I wanted a baby.

He's now 3.6 and playing with his cars.

[GoingToRegretThis]

Thanks squid - NOT judging SIL but both DH and BIL were poor sleepers, and now the DNs, and I am just hunkering down anticipating the worst.

But probably overthinking...........

[Booyhoo]

he sounds the complete opposite of chilled TBh OP. i cant balance the thought of such a chilled person being so terrified of sleep loss and axious about disruption.

from reading your posts i dont think you as a couple are just there yet WRT having a baby. if i'm honest it doesn't sound like you know your DH that well, or if you do you are in denial. you need to know completely that he is 100% committed to being a father from the moment you are pregnant and not just when the fun parts kick in like playing football. he has to be in it from the start!