To think I shouldn't be expected to give up my place in the queue just because the lady behind me was disabled?

[TangoPurple]

Apologies for the lengthy title.

Had a very busy weekend and stupidly forgot to get stuff in for dd's packed lunches/playtime snacks for this week. She also needed a new drinks bottle. So i got up an hour earlier today, and rushed to the supermarket with her before school.

I joined the queue at a till, and as the person in front was getting served, a lady in a wheelchair queued behind me. She asked if she could go in front of me as she needed to rush for the XX bus, which only comes every forty minutes. I explained that I'm also getting that bus so can't give up my space in the queue or dd will be late for school.

She looked totally shocked. She pointed out it was pissing down with rain and she'd be freezing waiting for the next one. (Just to point out - the bus stop for this bus has a large shelter and is right outside the supermarket).

She asked where i lived, i told her roughly, and she suggested i get the YY bus which would drop me a street away from my normal bus stop (normal bus stop is right outside my flat/front door).

I explained that i couldn't walk that far with dd plus all my shopping bags as she has autism and i need to hold her hand at all times. Whereas getting off at my front door, she's fine to run ahead. I was nice and mild-mannered, but she wasn't pleased. She was completely surprised and raising her eyebrows at the people queuing at the opposite till.

The till operator had heard the conversation and I think it affected how she served me. She made no eye contact, no communication (except asking for my money at the end), zoomed all my stuff through the scanner much too quickly, and spent the whole time talking to the lady in the wheelchair about bloody buses and 'lack of respect'!

During this time, the guy at the front of the opposite queue offered the lady to go in front of him which she refused as she'd already put her stuff on the conveyor belt behind mine.

I'm just so annoyed and feel like a right cow. I felt like everyone was judging me. If she only had a few items, of course i'd have let her in front, but she had more than me!

AIBU?

[ArbitraryUsername]

And any supermarket with checkouts too narrow for someone using a wheelchair is also being unreasonable.

[singinggirl]

DS2 has Aspergers, and if he was late for school, therefore putting him out of routine, this would wreck his entire day - we are talking tears and upset at the end of the day about what he has missed etc. I don't know what all the OP's DD's issues are, but they can be far reaching, and based on what she has told us she was NBU.

[OptimisticPessimist]

YWNBU. I don't think it's a totally black and white issue - if for example she had said "I need to catch XX bus for an important hospital appointment" and you knew you could get YY bus with slight inconvenience but still making it to school on time than priority would shift to the woman in the wheelchair. As it is, you were in the queue first, had fewer items, also had a disability issue and had somewhere important to get to. She WNBU to ask, but once you said no and that you needed the same bus she should have left it.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" But OP I think you knew as soon as she asked you, you should have let her even though you probably needed the priority more than her and also you were in the queue first, this is based on the fact that you felt the need to justify your reason."

spotsdots, I really don't get your thought processes here. Because the OP was polite enough to EXPLAIN (not justify - explain) her reasons, rather than just give an abrupt no - she should have let this rude woman skip her in the queue? OP has already said " I felt like everyone was judging me." That is a situation where all but the most battle-hardened of us will feel the need to DEFEND themselves against unreasonable pressure.

By your logic, as long as a bully has a couple of minions nodding agreement with them, you should let yourself be bullied. No!

[TangoPurple]

Hi again.

No the checkouts are all the same width (definitely wide enough for a wheelchair). But the till i was at had the shortest queue. Just me, the lady in the wheelchair, and the person who was getting served before me.

I had maybe a basketful of stuff (but it was in a trolley), whereas her trolley (one of the smaller ones) was pretty much full.

I didn't even think of asking the bus driver to wait . I was just relieved to have made it myself with dd (who had gotten really upset about rain getting on her skirt, but that's another story).

To be fair, it's a blessing the checkout lady rushed through my stuff or I'd have missed it. If i had missed the bus, I suppose i would've phoned a taxi, but that would really be a last resort.

[Mrsjay]

in this instance both adults were in a rush and both adults needed to be somewhere and catch a bus
I am sure the OP wouldnt let a door slam in a disabled persons face because she was in a rush, this woman was a bit rude the op was polite but assertive, I am sure the woman would have got over it and caught the next bus ,

[Mrsjay]

Tango you did nothing wrong this woman had a trolley load she should have got herself organised was there anybody with her as how was she going to get her trolley load on the bus and push her wheelchair

[BannedKillerFirework]

YWNBU.

As others have said, it was fine to ask, but to keep nagging and making a show was very unreasonable. The other queue and the check out woman should have minded their own business. I would have got the staff members name and reported them.

Not everyone wants to stand in a shop first thing in the morning having a 'one up-manship' debate about who is more in need of catching a bus on time and discussing their and their families various disabilities. The queue would probably have moved a bit quicker without it too.

Bet the other shoppers enjoyed the show though, while feeling very glad it wasn't them

[TangoPurple]

No, i didn't see anyone with her at the till. It wasn't a big trolley; one of those smaller ones that you can slip your wheelchair under. About the size of two baskets.

[Mrsjay]

Oh ok i was just being wondering, I am sure the woman got to where she was going fine

[Flatbread]

As far as I understood, OP's daughter has no trouble walking, just needs her hand held.

Couldn't OP have given her dd a couple of light bags to carry, and carried the others in one hand while holding on to dd? It was only for one street. It seems more like OP wanted the most convenient option and was not willing to help out a fellow human being in greater need.

[TroublesomeEx]

But the OP's daughter has autism!

She has her own 'greater need'

[Mrsjay]

that fellow human being managed to get herself to the supermarket herself do her shopping she then got in a tizz because she would have missed her bus. I am disabled and manage to go out and about and do my thing but i would never ask a person in front of me if i could go first so i could catch my bus especially somebody who had a young child with them and probably looked harassed as it was so early in the morning,

[Flatbread]

I didn't know that autism equals not being able to a walk a street. oP said her dd needs her hand held, and OP could do that by rearranging her bags and having dd hold a couple of lighter ones.

[TangoPurple]

Hi, Flatbread.

You're right, my dd has no trouble walking. It's just the lack of safety awareness that's an issue. But she's only little (she's 4), and none of my bags were particularly light.

It was only one street, but would have included 10-15 minutes of walking onto my journey. And dd reacts really badly to the rain.

I wanted the most convenient option for my daughter, not for me. And yes, i feel bad about it. But as her mum, i felt i ought to put her before a stranger. But i know i was probably in the wrong/selfish to do so, hence my posting here to ask.

[OptimisticPessimist]

It's not just about the walk - it's about the effect that it would have on the OP's DD as a result of her ASD. Given that they were already out of routine, missing the bus/having to go a different route/being late for school could potentially cause her DD problems for the rest of the day.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

" But i know i was probably in the wrong/selfish to do so, hence my posting here to ask."
I really don't think you were the one in the queue being selfish!

[moosemama]

As others have said, it was fine for her to ask the question, but she should have accepted no for an answer and not taken it any further.

My eldest ds has ASD. He doesn't run off, but still needs to hold hands along busy roads for safety reasons at the age of 10. He would have needed to know in advance which bus we were going on, at what time, from which bus stop and where we would be getting off. If any of those parameters then changed he would have become extremely anxious and upset. I wouldn't have been happy having to explain all this to someone who was being pushy about queue jumping regardless of whether they had disability. His disability is invisible, that doesn't make it less difficult to cope with or his needs less important. He would have needed to catch the next XX bus, just as much as she did, although for different reasons.

Had I been on my own I would have been happy to let the lady go first and wait for the next bus or catch a different one, but this simply wouldn't have been possible if I had ds with me - although to the other lady, the checkout person and the rest of the queue it would not have been obvious why and I would therefore have felt the need to explain - especially if I was on the receiving end of judgemental or harsh looks. I shouldn't have to, but this is real life and I understand that people would just see me and a 'to all outward appearances' typical 10 year old boy and just thought I was being selfish. Other people with thicker skins than me would be able to just say no and ignore the looks, I'm just not that confident and don't like people to think bad of either me or my ds.

[blackeyedsusan]

so one disabled person should give way to another?

autism is a disability protected by the disabled discrimination act.

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I don't think you were unreasonable. But as others have said the checkoutperson was - she could have asked for another till to be open of someone to help pack to get you both through quicker.

[ArbitraryUsername]

Thought processes like spotsdots are exactly what make it so bloody humiliating for so many disabled people. Lots of disabilities (probably the majority) are not easily visible. Someone's disability is not of less importance because they have to explain it to ignorant people who assume that wheelchair use trumps everything else/people can't be disabled unless they have a big flashing sign above their head a wheelchair.

It is truly awful having to explain to someone why you need them to give up a seat on a train bus when they look at you with incredulity (because you appear to be a reasonably fit woman in her early 30s, for example). Or they might completely refuse, leaving you in (more) pain and humiliated. It must be just as bad (and possibly worse) for the parents of children with autism whose lives are undoubtedly made more difficult by judgemental arses who give them dirty looks and made passive aggressive comments about bad parenting, etc. Or who refuse to believe that they actually need a blue badge (and have no idea how hard it is to get one). Or, as in this case, refuse to believe that there may be a perfectly valid reason that they can't let someone else go first/miss the bus/walk further, even when they've explained their own needs.

[TroublesomeEx]

You were not wrong or selfish.

[Mrsjay]

I really don't think you were the one in the queue being selfish!

I dont think so either,

[TroublesomeEx]

Exactly, Arbitrary.

[MrsBethel]

YANBU