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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be stressed and shocked at being possibly pregnant?

434 replies

bellabreeze · 16/11/2012 17:58

I feel like I might be pregnant. I have 8 DCs (yes, eight!!!) I do keep a positive attitude and cope very well but I am kind of thinking 'oh my god 9 kids!!?' I feel overwhelmed!!! Its not that I would hate to have another child but I feel so shocked and strange about having 9 kids! Its only 1 more but it is so close to 10...

This post doesn't really make much sense I am just overwhelmed

OP posts:
5madthings · 17/11/2012 10:13

Five here as well :)

bogey i would like to see your menus and budgeting tips, should we do a specific thread? Maybe in larger families?

We do ok.but if i could save money to.put towards conservatory (ours needs replacing) that would be great!

Congrats op am sure you will be fine and hope your husband bucks up his ideas and supports you all xx

blueshoes · 17/11/2012 10:13

It is when 'benefits' comes into the equation that people feel they are entitled to comment.

Brycie · 17/11/2012 10:20

Yes, people are entitled to comment when people are having children that the commenters are paying for. We don't know that's happening here though.

MrsDeVere · 17/11/2012 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5dcsinneedofacleaner · 17/11/2012 10:29

blueshoes - MOST families on benefits are "normal" sized. I get annoyed at ANY family that stays on benefits when they have the ability to get off them. I also get annoyed at people who assume that all larger familes are on benefits as has happened on this thread. The government wont deal with the problem of people who wont help themselves so instead they have taken the easy way out and focused on a small number of highly visible families as scapegoats. Nevermind the thousands of mrs and mrs two children who havent worked for 10 years lets focus on someone easier to attack.

Brycie · 17/11/2012 10:33

It's probably been assumed because it's very unusual to be able to afford nine children unless you're really, really wealthy, or unless you rely on the state. If you do rely on the state, it's a bit crummy to announce an careless pregnancy to a bunch of people who'll be paying for it. That's why this sort of comment comes. But nobody knows what the situation is. I hope everything works out for the OP but MrsDV that is why things will get "passive aggressive", it's probably better not to comment at all I suppose rather than be judgmental.

Brycie · 17/11/2012 10:35

I guess children get "cheaper" as you go along, with having all the clothes and equipment.

blueshoes · 17/11/2012 10:41

Things have been assumed and the OP is not answering any questions about her financial circumstances.

She does not have to but the assumptions about a parent with 8 soon-to-be-9 children who has kicked her partner out with no apparent concern about her financial position, will continue to run on and on.

Let's face it, unless she is Helen Morrissey, it is the elephant in the room.

Brycie · 17/11/2012 10:49

Yes, elephant in the room is a good way of putting it. And to be honest, if it was me, and I "picked up the vibe" that sympathy was in short supply if I said that was indeed the situation, I wouldn't want to have a lot of people going on at me, so I'd quietly let it lie.

ChaoticismyLife · 17/11/2012 10:51

Bella I hope you get the result you want. Whatever happens good luck and remember you will find support on here :)

pmcblonde · 17/11/2012 10:53

I'm the youngest of 12, spread over 20 years and with no multiples. My parents brought us all up with no help from the state other than universal benefits like child benefit. They were able to use the University grant system for the oldest 10.

My Mum shopped at cash and carry places and bought in bulk (catering size quantities), she cooked everything from scratch, did most of her own baking, built good relationships with butchers and green grocers so got discounts or short dated stock. She didn't get the best quality meat or fish and there was nothing free range or organic about any of it. The house was fairly untidy and not sparkling clean. She made all the curtains, bedding, quite a lot of clothes herself.

We had a big house that they bought when they only had my eldest brother. It had a massive garden where my Dad grew veg, fruit, loads of soft fruit, and a conservatory where he grew amazing tomatoes.

Dad worked full time in a well paid job and picked up extra freelance work - he had 4-5 regular freelance jobs that paid well.

Mum didn't do paid work outside the home but did tonnes of volunteering though the parish and the various schools.

We didn't have expensive anything ever. We went on UK holidays - large rural cottages, camping. Every activity outside the home was like a military operation...

It wasn't a bed of roses growing up but that was for other reasons rather than the number of kids. As adults we remain close and extremely supportive of each other.

It can be done, it's not plain sailing and it's bloody hard work but it can definitely be done. Mum got very good at power naps

PassTheBaileys · 17/11/2012 11:01

Hope everything works out for you OP

MrsDeVere · 17/11/2012 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brycie · 17/11/2012 11:09

What do you mean, a chip on their shoulder? I had the children I could afford - I would love to have had more, I love the stories on here of big families. I would like to have had a fourth child. It's normal to do what you can afford. Why not? You can't afford it when you have to ask other people to pay money for it. What's chippy about that?

Do you think the range of payments for famlilies was available when your partner was being brought up?

MrsDeVere · 17/11/2012 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Brycie · 17/11/2012 11:26

What if the assumptions aren't erroneous and there are no value judgments?
Being able to afford something isn't really a value judgement, it's a wallet judgment. And I wanted an extra child and I couldn't. Do people have children because of money - I have no idea. Do they not not have children because of money - probably. I would.

MrsDeVere · 17/11/2012 11:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

5madthings · 17/11/2012 11:42

oh yes dont forget they must all have their own bedrooms as well mrsdevere have seen that line trotted out plenty on mnet.

we have no idea if the op is on benefits or not and if she is that doesnt mean she should have an abortion, that choice is hers and hers only.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 17/11/2012 11:51

Well, what do you mean by afford?

I probably, in theory couldn't afford to have ds2. On paper.
We have a 3 bedroom house so they share a room, we now only have 1 car and I walk to work, I keep ds1 clothes for ds2, I cut back on everything. Because we had a third child.

So technically, I couldnt afford him.

However, he has a roof over his head, clothes to wear, food to eat, days out, holidays, and lots of love. Lots of it.

So it depends on what your definition of afford is.

Dd was born when I was 19 and DH was 22.
We lived in a 1 bed flat. We had no car, almost every penny went on childcare and rent. So again, we couldn't really "afford" her.

She is 14 now and working towards taking 3 GCSE a year early. She's amazing. So I guess that not being able to afford her wasn't the end of the world.

And, just in case people get narky, we have never been on benefits. Not that I see a problem with anyone getting the support they need, but we were not entitled to anything.

FWIW, state benefits are there to support people who need them.
And IMHO if the op is in that situation where she needs help from the state as everyone seems to assume, well FFS, a newly single parent with 8 children? Would anyone actually begrudge her any help?

Pinkforever · 17/11/2012 11:54

People are entitled to comment as they see fit-thats what this forum is about surely?

I would have loved to have had a bigger family but cant afford any more. And no I am not talking about not affording private schooling or a large house or holidays abroad-I am talking about we cant afford to house or feed another child and dont expect others to do so.

Having a 9th child when your relationship is on a shaky nail is completely irresponsible imo but I am sure I will get flamed

blueshoes · 17/11/2012 11:59

Tantrums: "well FFS, a newly single parent with 8 children? Would anyone actually begrudge her any help?"

Well, is she already on benefits and therefore not concerned. Or now needing benefits because of the unexpected predicament she found herself in?

You are very generously assuming the latter.

TantrumsAndBalloons · 17/11/2012 12:05

And the rest of the thread is ungenerously assuming the former.

But no one knows do they?

But it doesn't stop the sarky comments.

I thought I'd throw in a bit of generosity if that's ok.

5madthings · 17/11/2012 12:15

yes heaven forbid we might assume the best about someone rather than the worst Hmm

and with regards to having a ninth child when her 'relationship is on a shaky nail' well we dont know that do we, again, she say sshe has thrown him out, may be she found he has had an affair or he became abusive. it could be that the op thought her relationhsip was fine and she has literally JUST discovered something that has made her reassess that opinion, that does happen. hell you see it all the time on the relationship boards.

Brycie · 17/11/2012 12:18

By afford, I mean is my income large enough to feed, clothe and house my children without relying on other people. Normal definition?

Brycie · 17/11/2012 12:22

"If it wasn't it would only be certain members of society who could 'afford' them."

But it is that way, either the very richest or the very poorest.

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