To take DD to see my parents every Sunday?

[UndercoverWriter]

DH has been a regular Sunday league cricketer since before we got married 10 years ago, as a result Sunday became my day to visit my parents - going round about midday and staying for dinner so getting home about 7.30pm (DH out from about 12.30 pm and usually home between 8-9pm).

This has continued since DD (now 8) was born and is fine in the summer months, but when the cricket season is over it becomes a huge bone of contention in the winter.

I still visit my parents with DD every Sunday, but usually from about 11am - 3/3.30pm, so we're home in time to spend some time together and have a Sunday dinner. I feel this is a reasonable compromise on my part - my parents are in their 70's and my daughter and I are the only family they have.

DH thinks we shouldn't go to visit them every week as he is around and we could spend the time together. I think it's unfair to expect me to drop them just because he has 'nothing better to do'. He would never agree to miss a cricket game so we could have family time during the summer months (I have asked - DD's birthday fell on a Sunday a few years ago and I wanted to have her party on the actual day but it clashed with a match .

So, what's the MN verdict? I'm generally quite laid back but I really don't feel inclined to back down over this.

Am a regular btw - name changed!

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Visiting family that often would drive me mad but if you enjoy it fair enough and your not involving him in attendance so yanbu.

My answer would be very different if the cricket every Sunday without fail even on dc's birthday wasn't happening.it would be along the lines of grow up cut the strings and hang out with dh.

[Daddelion]

As a Cricketer and knowing our summer.

I'm assuming this is UK, so eighteen Sundays, and at least four of those must be rained off. We had eight abandoned or cancelled.

So ten to twelve matches? Out of fifty two weeks.

[UndercoverWriter]

Daddelion In the case of DH's team it's April - September so literally half the year, and whilst our summer is indeed pants (and has been more so this year) - they have an artificial wicket (presume that makes a difference?) and play on unless it is absolutely tipping it down.

On an average year they would maybe miss 1 or 2 games at most (and then he will have a hissy fit because I've already made arrangements and won't drop them at the last minute).

I have no problem at all with it taking over Sundays in the summer (at some points in our relationship he's been in 4 different sports team so one Sunday a week is a major reduction in commitments), just don't think it's fair for him to expect me and DD to drop everything and revolve around him the rest of the year.

If he was happy to prioritise other stuff over the cricket from time to time fair enough, but the majority of our holidays over the years have been Mon-Fri breaks, partly so he can be home to play, and if we are away overnight on a Saturday we will have to be up at the crack of dawn on Sunday to get back from wherever we are in time for the match to start!

He is very obsessed committed.

[AThingInYourLife]

Ugh, he sounds like a shit husband.

[Yika]

You know YANBU. And you know HIBU.

[Fairenuff]

I couldn't live like this. Dancing to the tune of someone's else's whims. Only being able to go on holiday Monday - Friday? That is actually ridiculous, I can't believe people actually live like that!

There is a whole world out there, his world is very small and he's keeping you trapped in it .

Personally? I would move on. Life's too short for that crap.

[BlueberryHill]

He is sounding more unreasonable the more you post. The holidays thing is ridiculous, he is putting a poxy cricket team above his family. YANBU.

DH is always amazed, as well envious, as seeing all these men out on weekends enjoying their sports all day. He isn't on a leash, its just with 2yo twins and 1 6yo DS all with lots of energy I'd be a mess if we didn't have family time all weekend. Oh yes, plus he enjoys being with his children.

[Whocansay]

I think you need to make it clear to your manchild husband that you and your child are not toys to be picked up and played with at his whim. A good husband and parent does not prioritise cricket above his family.

My husband has always been big on cricket and football, but when he had children he knew he could no longer commit to be on the cricket team. Now he plays as a reserve, which means he plays about 3 times or so a year. This does not interfere with family life, but means he can still get his 'fix'.

I think you should have a big old chat about interacting with your parents too, but that sounds like a whole other thread!

Oh and ditch Sky Sports. Expensive and yet another way he can check out of family life.

OK, I'm getting a bit ranty now, so will stop!
All the best OP.

[diddl]

Do you want to spend time with him on a Sunday when it isn´t cricket season?

If so, why do you still spend most of the day with your parents?

[diddl]

That´s not to say he doesn´t sound ridiculously selfish btw.

[DontmindifIdo]

He sounds very selfish. I would insist that this winter you will continue with your plans, if he wants next winter to be different, then this summer needs to be different, he can decide how many weekends a month he wants to be family time and you'll do exactly the same next winter. If he's not prepared to put his DD before Cricket, why should you and DD put his feeling first?

[OldMumsy]

OP are you wanting out of this relationship?

[Startail]

YANBU
However, I bet an 8y would jump at the chance of every other Sunday with her family or just chilling rather than going to 70 year old Grandparents.

Sorry no disrespect to your parents, but as DCs get older the appeal of grandparents wanes.

They have their own ideas as to what they want to do.

Grap sometime as a family some Sundays, you may only have 3-5 years before your DD is off with her own friends or doing Home Work and totally refuses to visit Grandparents at all.

I know your parents will be upset and I know your DH has been a bit selfish, but see it as an opportunity not a problem.

Seriously getting DH to spend time with DD now encourages them to have a good relation as teens.

My DH and DD2 get on much better if they do things together. He remembers she can be lovely as well as very stubborn.

[wordfactory]

OP I know it's tempting to get into tit for tat. And you can see how many posters can't wait to suggest it...he does this, therefore you should do that.

But is that really any way to lead a healthy happy family life?

I would play it all far more by ear. If your DH is free, wouldn't you all much rather be together sometimes? Have some family fun? Would you not do that just to make a point?

I dunno, I get the sense that many people lead a tick-list life rather than seizing the day .

[diddl]

If you did see less of them in the Winter-wouldn´t they just be glad of the time that they do see you anyway?

If anything you could already say that you are "using" them as if your husband didn´t play cricket, you probably wouldn´t see them as much anyway.

[wordfactory]

I suspect grandparents just like time with their GCs however it comes about.

Whenever my DH travels for over two nights I invite my Mum. She could think 'ha, you're only inviting me cos you're on your own.' Or she could just seize the opportunity as a bonus.

[TheOriginalSteamingNit]

It's not unreasonable of you to want to go there, OP, but whatever you decide about the Sundays, it does sound as though, come April, you might need to have a chat about the level of cricketing, because it's obviously not really working for you.

[ethelb]

sorry yabu. as is he.

There have been many threads on here where DPs want to spend all Sunday with their families and people have said this was very unreasonable.

Your husband is happy playign cricket. You are happy with him playing cricket as you see your parents. He is not happy to spend one whole day a week at your parents. So don't.

I also am surprised you are so dismissive of the fact that he doesn't like your parents much. But it must be horrible to spend so much time with people you don't like. Esp as you then blame him for this fact. Those aren't the words of a supportive partner.

If you insist on tit for tat I don't see how the relationship will last.

[HullyEastergully]

I can't get past the cricket every Sunday.

[DeWe]

I'd sit on the fence on this.

Having been into sports, I can tell you that missing a match isn't just about you. It's also letting the team down. If he does that a few times over the season just to have family time (ie not for a special occasion) he's liable to find himself dropped next season if not sooner. A reliable person is much better to have on a team than someone who is flakey but better as a player.

We used to go to my gp every Sunday. They came to us for Sunday dinner then we went to them for tea. It was lovely... up to a point. It became a must-so if something else came up, we still went. Also my df often worked overtime on Saturday, so it was our only free day as a family. I don't think growing up we ever did a day out simply at the weekend as a family. Occasionally we did a Saturday with dm, but Sunday was set in stone.

I don't think it would be inreasonable to have say 2-3 Sundays a year that you do a day out as a family in the winter, if he agree that if there's a special occasion like your dd's birthday, he agrees to miss the match.
Your dd's relationship with them won't suffer from missing 2-3 Sundays, in fact it may improve it as she gets older.

I know my older sibling started finding the Sundays a bit of a trial as she hit teenage years, not because she didn't get on with the gp, but more because that we went was assumed, and sometimes she would have liked to stay behind to get something done.

[Mrsjay]

you are right he is wrong simple as, he plays cricket in the summer you do your thing does your husband not go some sundays so you can do family stuff probbaly not eh. does he go with you to your parents ? you keep doing what you are doing don't listen to him going on,

[BooBumpDaddyandMe]

Being as neither of you have the happiest of relationships with each others DP I think what you have going on now is as good as it gets. If your DH won't accommodate your parents at your house for Sunday lunch, won't change his cricket plans and plays oneupmanship games re the football I think you absolutely are not being unreasonable.
I'm being a bit rude by saying it i know but DH sounds like a bit of an arse- if all other aspects of your marriage run smoothly then I suppose it's just one of those things.
I have had a pretty difficult relationship with my MiL in the past so understand that side if things, but the cricket fairly sure I wouldn't tolerate DS & i playing second fiddle to a game of bat and ball?
I think you should keep to your routine but with also keep the channels of communication open regarding compromise.

[Startail]

Seriously ongoing to say it again.

There is a third very important person in this debate-

You have an 8 year old DD, they are her Sundays too!!!

Believe me by the time she's 11 or 12 she's going to have friends and HW.

Stop point scoring with your DH over time spent on cricket. Which you should have sorted years ago and start planning a sensible future.

Family weekends with 8-12 year olds are probably the best most families ever get.
You can walk, talk, eat out without worrying about DD getting tired or wanting little kids food. She can want to stay at home or go to her friends by herself and she shouldn't have lots of HW.
And believe me, however polite she's being GPs will be getting dull.

[HazelnutinCaramel]

Sounds like your dad was spot on when he told your DH he needed to grow up a bit.

He should be making an effort with your parents for the sake of his wife and daughter. He's a man-child.

Try for a compromise - one weekend a month you don't see them, on one of the others they come to you and he plays nice. In summer, he gives up a cricket game once every 5 weeks.

[higgle]

I get on well wi;th m mother ( and did so with my father when he was alive) but I would find visiting them every week a terrrible chore - once every 6 weeks is plenty!