To take DD to see my parents every Sunday?

[UndercoverWriter]

DH has been a regular Sunday league cricketer since before we got married 10 years ago, as a result Sunday became my day to visit my parents - going round about midday and staying for dinner so getting home about 7.30pm (DH out from about 12.30 pm and usually home between 8-9pm).

This has continued since DD (now 8) was born and is fine in the summer months, but when the cricket season is over it becomes a huge bone of contention in the winter.

I still visit my parents with DD every Sunday, but usually from about 11am - 3/3.30pm, so we're home in time to spend some time together and have a Sunday dinner. I feel this is a reasonable compromise on my part - my parents are in their 70's and my daughter and I are the only family they have.

DH thinks we shouldn't go to visit them every week as he is around and we could spend the time together. I think it's unfair to expect me to drop them just because he has 'nothing better to do'. He would never agree to miss a cricket game so we could have family time during the summer months (I have asked - DD's birthday fell on a Sunday a few years ago and I wanted to have her party on the actual day but it clashed with a match .

So, what's the MN verdict? I'm generally quite laid back but I really don't feel inclined to back down over this.

Am a regular btw - name changed!

[pictish]

Mmm...I can't help but feel that if an OP came on here saying her dh insisted on spending every Sunday at HIS parents, and the OP was fed up with it, there would be cries of HOW SELFISH! and WHAT? EVERY SUNDAY? YANBU!! all over the place!

I think every single Sunday is a bit much tbh.

I am taking into account that the dh is every bit as uncompromising regarding his cricket though...and I'm not quite sure what to advise. I think you both need to stop being so selfy and work as a team.

[TENDTOprocrastinate]

It does piss me off when people get so into sports/hobbys that it becomes more of a priority than spending time with family. My dh is Like this with golf.

Your dh has the cheek to complain when you carry on with your family visits with dc out if his "hobby" time. Fuck him!

I'd like to see him cut back on his hobby!. Family is much more important.

[LittleTyga]

My dd's see their grandparents every weekend - I'm with the majority.

[piprabbit]

That's , I don't think he should ask you to choose between him and your parents. If you are prepared to be a little flexible and come up with a compromise, then he needs to be flexible too.

[UndercoverWriter]

He needs to stop being such a wet blanket.

Are you my mum, Pop?

[GhoulWithADragonTattoo]

I would hate it if my DH took my DCs to his parents every week while I got left at home. But then I don't expect to do something every Sunday with my pals for half of the year that stops us doing nice things together. So I think YABU and he is being even more unreasonable. Tricky...

[whois]

If he won't compromise in summer then I dot see why you should in winter, although I appreciate that's not a healthy attitude.

Agree with poster earlier who said maybe do one Sunday a month together, and maybe on one other Sunday r could come with you, then on the other 2 Sunday's you don't have to stay super long. Pop over for the afternoon and back for tea.

If he wont ever miss a match then tbh he's not really got a leg to stand on to complain about you never seeing each other!

[UndercoverWriter]

pictish I see where you're coming from with the 'thread reversal' thing, but it's not all day, and I have been willing to compromise on the length of the visit, but he is still narky about it.

He has never shown any inclination to be similarly accommodating when it comes to either his sports or his family - it is always me that compromises, and on this one thing I feel I have bent far enough.

[pictish]

Fair dos OP. Why is he so down on your parents anyway?

[UndercoverWriter]

As I've said there have been a few up and downs between me and him in the past and obviously they have been supportive of me.

I think my Dad may have told him he could do with growing up a bit on one occasion and that is about as bad as it has ever got. They have tried talking to him to clear the air, always give him Christmas/birthday cards & gifts, welcome him into their home on the rare occasions he deigns to visit (basically under sufferance at Christmas) and have generally done everything possible to try and re-build their relationship with him.

I feel that he resents/envies mine and DD's closeness with them (and even with each other at times tbh). His upbringing was quite different to mine and their differing outlook (which I tend to share having been brought up 'their way') drives him nuts, as does the fact he feels that they spoil DD (she usually comes home with a little treat each week - the tat quotient does get a bit a much at times, but I don't think a comic or a 50p book from the local charity shop is anything to get irate about).

I don't expect him to be kissing their arses or gunning for son-in-law of the year, but a bit of effort for mine and DD's sake would be nice, especially as I have managed to suck up years of intermittent abuse from MIL in order to keep the peace.

[pictish]

Mmm...so do you think he's put off by the fact that they essentially see through him?

I'm starting to see a picture of a selfish man here. You say it's always you who compromises for a start...and your parents have been in the position of seeing you upset by his behaviour in the past.

Really - he should be going to the effort of getting them back on side and reassuring them that he will treat their daughter well...not snubbing them for deigning to stick up for you.

This isn't really about going to your parents on a Sunday is it? This is about your dh's selfishness and insistance that his wants take priority.
He's happy enough when he's got his cricket to keep him occupied, even to the point of exclusing important family events such as your dd's birthday, but when the season's over, you are to drop your own routine and entertain him.

This indicates little consideration or respect for anyone else. I think you're just sick of him being the big I Am.

I would be too.

[MadameCreeper]

In this case I think Yanbu because he's not flexible but expects you to be when he's left with nothing to do.

Over the years I've been involved in many sports clubs and my husband has often been the one left at home. Regular fixtures like matches, races and fights are hard to get around, but you wouldn't expect a dp to drop all when you have nothing on. When I've had long distance training on I'm up at 5 am and out the door 20 mins later at the weekend. I'm usually back not long after he's had breakfast, or when things get nearer an event lunch time. We had words once because he decided to do a long distance event, he had a lie in, breakfast, coffee, waited for food to go down, thought about setting off ... that was the day gone.

[UndercoverWriter]

but you wouldn't expect a dp to drop all when you have nothing on

Oh, I don't know...

Seriously though, I am the most laid back wife/partner I know. I have always applied the philosophy that I will not stop DH doing the things he wants to, as I would not expect him to stop me doing the things I enjoy. This has always worked for us as our major hobbies/interests are quite different, but it is inevitably getting trickier as DD gets older.

pictish you have largely hit the nail on the head I fear.

[StuntGirl]

The fact he won't compromise at all over his hobby (even for his own daughter's birthday ) negates any opinion he gets over the rest of the year imo. Hobbies are the negotiable option round here. He can't just pick and choose to see his family when it suits him.

I would say you wbu if you continued your same routine during winter, or if he was willing to compromise during summer. Since he's unwilling to consider any option except the one he's proposed I would say YANBU.

[NonnoMum]

Surely somewhere has an indoor cricket league??? Let him join that and he can play catch all winter Sundays til midnight if he is so inclined...

You and your DD and your parents can have a good feed and a great time together.

And he can run around with other socially inept young men in too tight trousers.

[UndercoverWriter]

ROFL at socially inept men in too tight trousers!

I didn't think it was me BU tbh - it's just such a bloody headache.

Still, he's lived with for the last 10 years, so I'm sure he'll survive another 10...

[MadameCreeper]

And I'd already cleared up all the ipad spelling suggestions before posting

My philosophy is similar to yours.

[UndercoverWriter]

MadameC it always amazes me when DH's friend have to 'ask for a pass' to go out for the evening.

But it does make it very frustrating when situations like this occur.

[Pourquoimoi]

Ordinarily I would think that going to your parents every week to the detriment of family time would be unreasonable. HOWEVER, he chooses cricket over family time and isn't at all flexible so he has negated his right to family time on that day. I cannot believe that Dd couldn't have a birthday party, as it clashed with cricket. That is so so much a misplaced priority.

I agree with the once a month thing, IF he is willing to have one Sunday a month cricket free then you will do the same all year. I can't imagine he'll go for it though will he?

He can't abandon you then moan that you've found something to do and expect you to drop it on command.

[showtunesgirl]

Has your DH never thought maybe the reason WHY you and your parents have such a close relationship with DD is because they spend more time with her on the weekend?

[UndercoverWriter]

DD had a lovely birthday party on the Saturday that year, and spent Sunday at my parents' with me getting spoilt rotten!

I might suggest the idea of one Sunday a month and see how that goes down.

If I'm completely honest I do occasionally feel that I'd like to give it a miss, but my parents would be upset and disappointed, DD would be gutted as she loves our Sunday visits and I would feel terrible as they are really good to me so I feel the least I can do is give them a few hours of my time once a week. The further into their 70's they get, the more aware I am that they won't be around forever. They don't need any day-to-day (at the moment, touch wood) but they have numerous health issues between them including a heart condition each.

I just wish DH could understand this and be a bit more accepting.

[grovel]

Have you got Sky Sports?

Buy it for him for Christmas. He'll ask you not to get home too early from your M&D.

[UndercoverWriter]

We've always have Sky Sports, grovel

[grovel]

Sorry. It was a bit facetious.

[UndercoverWriter]

S'alright grovel - I wish it were that simple.

We all are in and out of the house at similar times during the week so I must admit that I can't entirely understand why he doesn't appreciate having the house to himself for a few hours. He's always saying he'd like some 'peace and quiet' .