MIL and the chocolate advent calendar

[toomanydaisies]

My MIL has given us chocolate advent calendars for our dc. Dc have seen them. And will want them because of the chocolate.

But I'd already bought advent calendars to give to them ON 1ST DECEMBER!!! Beautiful (non chocolate) ones.

I hate chocolate advent calendars - dc aged 5 can have a small chocolate every day but dc aged 1? No way. But I'd rather the excitement was about seeing which picture they had, not just cramming chocolate into their mouths.

More than anything I'm annoyed that my MIL has (yet again) done things her way without checking with me (the parent) first.

Her other DIL gave the chocolate advent calendars back to MIL and said that no, her children were not having chocolate ones. This has really hurt MIL so I can't do the same - I know she means well. But I feel like our new family traditions are not bring allowed to develop because MIL intervenes.

I know I'm overreacting. But aibu to feel a BIT annoyed about this?!

[toomanydaisies]

Thank you to those who understand. And thank you to those who don't for challenging me!

I know I'm being a bit grumpy about it. I'm trying hard to see it as a kind gesture and get over it.

[LtEveDallas]

DD gets an advent calendar from us, one from DM and one from DMil. She has a stocking here, one at DMs and one at DMils. The dogs have an advent calendar from us, and one at work.

Part of our tradition is that DD gets to gorge herself stupid on arrival at DMs and DMils, eating up all the 'days' she has missed . She also has Choc in her stockings and is allowed to eat some before breakfast. She tells everyone that Christmas is the BEST because she gets to eat as much chocolate as she wants!

So shoot me

[Sokmonsta]

But just to add, YANBU re the stocking. Stockings are MY territory and woe betide anyone who would suggest they got one too. In our house they are from Father Christmas. I take great delight in choosing all sorts of little things to go in them. Both sets of parents know and respect this. Instead in-laws do a bag. One of those big Christmas paper bags with the children's presents in, an orange, apple and some nuts. They even do it for the adults. It doesn't detract from my stocking because it is their own tradition and I wouldn't dream of telling them not do do it as a 9 month old wont eat nuts .

My grandma used to do the equivalent of the stocking as a package present. Lots of little games, some sweets and a £1 bag of shiny pennies. Oh we loved those pennies, only ever brand new shiny ones. With 4 grandchildren, it must have taken her the whole year to get them. And they were sorely missed when we were deemed to old. Again I don't recall my parents being miffed because it was her tradition to do that. As long as it wasn't packaged in a stocking it wasn't felt that she was trying to detract from our Father Christmas stockings.

[LadyMargolotta]

In my expert opinion even the Cadbury's chocolate advent calender don't taste very nice - the chocolate has a wierd glaze on it and tastes plasticy. The best chocolate one is the Lindt one.

[marchwillsoonbehere]

And thank you to those who don't for challenging me!


Daisies you are a good and self aware woman!

Now, give me your address and I will send one of those gin/whisky advent calendars to each of your dc!

[bitsofmeworkjustfine]

do you think that she is just trying to include you in her family traditions?
traditions are passed down..... thats how they become 'traditional'

[Sokmonsta]

marshmallowpies my 92 year old grandma still has 2 picture advent calendars from my childhood that come out every year. Now the great grandchildren get to open them. I'm 31 and I'm sure she had them before I was born as I have much older cousins.

[IneedAsockamnesty]

Yanbu even if you have been convinced otherwise,

There are certain things that parents get to do and gp's don't because they already got to do it with the children they gave birth to.

These include but are not limited to

Rule making
Santa presents
Advent calendars
Birthday cakes
Stockings
Funding


You know that thing that people say about children that are not there's about being able to give them back when they cry or not having to deal with them at 4am?

Well that's the trade off the person with full responsabilities for the children has to make sure they are met, the reward is the nice stuff.

The people without the responsabilities get a rather more limited role and that is decided by the parents.

Gp's got to make there parenting choices with there children they don't get to do that with other people's children unless the parents are happy with it

[musicposy]

Let them have two. You're being a bit precious. It really doesn't matter as much as you think it does. Just put them up and if they forget to open them get your DH to on the quiet. Your one year old certainly won't notice if DH eats the chocolate every day and I'm sure he won't mind!

When my DDs were young I used to get very upset about stuff like this. I know what it's like, you're their parent, you want to be the one to do the special stuff. But as they get older (mine are teens now) you realise this is small stuff really and it's not worth getting yourself upset over it. :)

[trumpton]

marchwillsoonbehere Pretty please may I have one as well. I have been ever so good < tilts head in a whimsome way>

[aufaniae]

Haven't read the whole thread, but annoyed really at the posters who are telling you that you're BU for not wanting to give a 1 year old chocolate every day.

It's a very reasonable stance IMO to not encourage your DCs from getting into eating chocolate every day!

I would accept the gift this year though out of good grace. Your 1 year old is too young to know they're meant to be eaten every day anyway, that bit is up to you!

And then next year let MIL know in advance, tactfully, that you've decided not to have chocolate calendars this year, and suggets something else instead perhaps.

[toomanydaisies]

march my children don't drink whiskey! Are you crazy! They're SMALL CHILDREN!!!

They love gin though, so go ahead and send me one if those. They can share it

[CailinDana]

Toomany I'm in the sad position of really regretting how I've treated my MIL over the years. She was quite sick recently and it shocked me to see her frail as she's normally so lively and busy. I even got annoyed with her when she was sick ffs, for something pretty pointless. I rang her the other day and she just sounded so tired, it really shook me. She's fine now but it was a timely reminder that trivial things don't really matter. One day she'll more than likely be really ill, and realistically she doesn't have a massive number of years left. When the worst happens I won't look back and think "I'm glad I stood my ground over [trivial thing]" I'll just be sad for DS that he lost someone really important who loved him.

It can be tough as a mum to let go and allow others to be close to your children. But by letting your guard down a bit you are doing a good and kind thing that you won't regret.

[fluffyraggies]

I'm not dreading becoming a MIL at all! I'm pretty confident that if i knew one of my grandchildren wasn't allowed chocolate i'd be able to restrain myself from buying a chocolate advent calender

There are some things that are for parents to do yes. Personally, advent calenders are not one of those things for me. But are all different. I think it's the way you handle it that is the most important thing. Wrangle your way through this year without saying anything, OP, then next year as xmas approaches, just say to MIL- ooh, if you get advent calenders this year could you see if you can find the non chocolate ones. I'm having a struggle.Then she'll feel she's helping and you get your way with the choc issue.

Stockings, and therefore Santa arriving, would absolutely be the one parent only zone for me at xmas.

The DDs setting up jeezy creezy the nativity display, complete with star, angels and stable made of twigs, on the living room window ledge (which they still clamour to do even though DDs are now all teens) was a family tradition that sort of grew on it's own. So did the decorating of the tree. Plus the making and decorating of the chocolate log. Its a plain chocolate swiss roll bought from Tesco covered in too much ready made chocolate icing that comes in a tub. But it was, and still is, a task solemnly undertaken by the DDs since they were little, and woe betide me if i forget to include it on the xmas shopping list Plus, in fact, now i think about it, the putting out of the now defunct old Father Christmas musical figure! (they used to dance about to the music when it was working, many moons ago)

Don't fret, OP, your own little traditions will grow on their own if you allow your kids to help with xmas. They may not be the ones you expect - but they will mean the most to your kids, and best of all they'll never conflict with GPs as they'll be personal and home grown.

[ItsNotEasyBeingGreen]

Last year my DS was about 20 months and my DM, DMIL and SIL all bought DS advent calendars... he had a few bits of chocolate but for the most part I ate them!
DMIL also sent him a stocking.

You can have your traditions, your MIL is not trying to spoil your traditions. She's trying to spoil your DC because she loves them. YABU.

[TempusFuckit]

OP I would have felt exactly the same way as you straight off. But, other than the chocolate issue, you do have to relax a bit. The best Christmas traditions are the ones unique to your family, and these will develop over time.

My MIL has me well prepared for the onslaught of Christmas crap as she has been buying it for us for years now. We have Santa winestoppers, snowman jelly moulds, plastic Christmas cutlery. Tbh, I'm looking forward to her transferring it to the DC (who can conveniently break anything we run out of cupboard space for ...)

I do think that doing two stockings for fear of offending is too much though - not just the expense, but also the diminishing rate of present-giving-fun-return from having to find that many trinkets ...

[ItsNotEasyBeingGreen]

Incidentally the stocking MIL did went downstairs with the presents. Our stocking was the one on his bed... Chose your battles wisely.

[LtEveDallas]

You know what? I don't care how much my DParents or DPILs do for DD. I don't own her. She isn't my property.

She is a much loved member of the whole family. She is spoilt rotten by both sides (she is the youngest). It makes her happy, it makes my family happy. So by extension it makes me happy.

We have different rules at the GPs houses than we do here. DD understands this completely - things she gets away with here are frowned upon there and vice versa. It's never been a problem.

My DSis bought my DD her first ever doll (when she was about 8 weeks old!). Didn't bother me, I was happy that my DSis loved her neice so much she wanted to buy her something special. One of my friends was horrified, thought it was a terrible thing to do. I was bemused .

[WaitingForMe]

I don't have a problem with chocolate advent calendars but PFB will be a month old this Christmas and so the first year he'll be allowed one is 2014.

I was a bit at MIL last year as she bought a huge fabric calendar and filled it with loads of sweets and toys. A lovely idea but my DSSs only spend one midweek night and alternate weekends with us so each visit there was loads of stuff and they actually got bored with it. I was throwing away cheap nasty sweets that had gone soft/sticky from their bedrooms in February. But hey ho, I'm planning an activity calendar for them this year based upon knowing what will impress them, I can live with a February clear out of uneaten sweets.

[NoTeaForMe]

I think that being upset by the advent calendar is a bit much. I wouldn't mind that. I think you should ask yourself, and be honest, if it was your mom and not you MiL who bought it would you still be annoyed? (Sorry if that's already been asked, I haven't read all the thread!)

I would say no to the stocking though. In our family the stocking comes from Father Christmas so to have two would be weird. They do some lovely sacks-not sure how big though, poss too big. Maybe you could suggest that your MiL puts the presents from her in one of those. Though I'm guessing it's the actual stocking she wants to do rather than just have her toys in a bag!!

[SparkleSoiree]

A friend of mine recently told me that she has "to check with her DIL over every little thing she would like to treat her grandchildren too" because DIL has insisted on it and every time her DIL says "no" with her reason. She says it is taking the joy out of her relationship with her grandchildren and she can't do right for doing wrong. My friend is lovely, adores all of her family, wants the best for her grandchildren in all ways but just can't do anything right for her DIL no matter how hard she tries.

One minute some mums complain their children's grandparents don't take enough interest in their children then its a complaint because they are buying them an advent calendar with chocolate in - because the mum had already bought one Children are allowed to receive gifts from people, have more than one of the same thing and be given the space to enjoy those things. If they don't want them they will not interact with the item.

YABU - its christmas, your MIL wants to treat her grandchildren and one small chocolate a day is not going to harm your children. I can't believe you even considered returning it - that's just mean and rude.

Your MIL must feel like she is walking on eggshells with her DILs.

[SparkleSoiree]

Sorry - just spotted this is NOT AIBU.

[toomanydaisies]

fluffyraggies thank you so much. Those home grown traditions sound a lot like the ones my brothers and I evolved (especially the shop bought Christmas log!)

[marchwillsoonbehere]

march my children don't drink whiskey! Are you crazy! They're SMALL CHILDREN!!!

They love gin though, so go ahead and send me one if those. They can share it

Coffee on PC screen via nose o'clock!

[SparkleSoiree]

Flipping heck - this IS AIBU. Corrected!