Another inheritance AIBU

[GilbGeekette]

I'll try to be brief. ExH has terminal cancer and is young (early 40s). We have two DDs, 14yo lives with me and my DH, 16yo lives with ExH and her SM. Both the children have been told that when he dies, everything will be left to their SM with the (unofficial) understanding that she will provide them with financial help through Uni etc. I make no judgement as to whether this will happen or not, I don't know her well enough to be able to gauge this. ExH and wife are v well off.

Whilst I would have been pleased if the children were left something that was categorically 'theirs' I don't think it's any of my business. DH and I will help them with the cost of Uni as much as we are able, or they will have to do what lots of others do and get student loans.

The few (close friends and family) I have discussed this with have all been horrified and have said that, should this happen, I should contest the will on my DDs behalf. I feel really quite icky about this. AIBU to think that, whilst given similar circumstances, I might have made a different decision, it's none of my business?

[toomanydaisies]

Ok, I'll go against the grain here. In my (limited) experience it is normal for the spouse to be left everything if the husband/wife dies.

Regardless of their wealth, if he left a significant amount to his dc at this stage his dw may well have to move.

I would probably expect some money to go into trust for the dc but the main sum to go to his spouse. The dc should then inherit after her death.

I'm not saying yabu really, just that my understanding is different to yours...

[diddl]

"The dc should then inherit after her death."

Yes, but there is no provision for this, is there?

[2rebecca]

If he is in his 40s it's unlikely the current stepmother will be much involved in their childrens lives by the time she dies.
The OP says the eldest child currently wants to continue living with her stepmother but that will probably change when her stepmother starts dating again and she realises she isn't really part of her stepmother's current family. Once she is no longer seeing the stepchildren their stepmother (or ex-stepmother as she will then be) will cease thinking much about them.
If any financial provision is to be made for these children it needs to be done whilst the will can be contested, but get legal advice first as to what is possible and then approach the kids' stepmother a couple of months after the funeral when she is less fraught.

[avivabeaver]

Tbh if the house is jointly owned it should go the wife. If the business is jointly owned and wife has jointly worked it should go to her. The step mum may or may not "do the right thing".

[AnnaKissed]

Another thing to think about, what if one or both of your DDs decided not to go to university?

Also, If your XH is wealthy then they should inherit more than just university fees, no?

[MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember]

Half his estate to the children is fair imo.

So half the value of his half of the business, and half of half their assets.

The house can be left to the sm for her lifetime, and then half the value pass to the children. That is also fair.

What is not fair is assuming that someone will "do the right thing". Sadly, this seldom happens.

[sarahtigh]

you have to provide for dependent children in a will, but is the house and inheritance all exH or is it equally SM, in which case it is truly hers like the house no reason she should downsize to provide for DD's

on the other hand if money is primarily their fathers he should make provision, you can leave a house share etc to someone in their lifetime but then to X on their death as it never actually becomes theirs so they can not dispose of it, if house is 100% exH and 100% SM it all becomes Sm on exH death however if 50% each then it is possible for exH to leave his share to his children but for Sm to live in and use until death/remarriage, when DD would get their share of the 50%

once DD are no longer minors, they may have no claim anyway on estate

I agree with toomanydaises that leaving his wealth to his wife is normal I would leave everything to my DH not to DD, i trust him to look after DD, I am sure EXH trusts SM to look after his children, it is not just step -parents that abuse trust, many would not though some might

do you feel deep down that SM is a decent person? what you say indicates that you do think so

[FairPhyllis]

SM doesn't have to move out of the house. You can arrange it so that she has the use of it for as long as she wants, and when she dies or wants to move the children get shares of the value.

[WkdSM]

I am in a similar position to the SM - althought thank God my DH is healthy.

All the money we have we have built up together since his exW had all the equity in the original family home. We have worked hard and I expect to some people we appear to be well off.

But if DH was not around and I had to give half the assets to his 2 DSs (19 and 21) I would probably struggle financially.

We talked long and hard before doing our wills - we have mirror wills where the same thing happens whichever one dies first - assets go to surviving partner and then upon their death certain amount goes to the kids and whatever is left over goes to charities we have chosen together. My DH was concerned that if he left a large lump sum to his DS's and I then subsequently needed money for something like nursing home fees, it was highly unlikely they would offer any support to me.

TBF I think it is quite unusual to leave money to the kids when the spouse is still alive. Just as a SM could change her mind and leave nothing to the SKs - a BM could do the same - there have been a couple of threads recently where one child is being left everything and the other children nothing.

[MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember]

My mum changed her will after a few of her friends died before their husbands.

In two cases, the husbands remarried. In one case the man had a second family who inherited everything, nothing at all being left to the first wife's children. In the second case, the husband died, leaving his whole estate to his second wife, again nothing to the children.

In both cases family heirlooms belonging to my mum's friends went to complete strangers not to her children . As did the contents of their childhood homes, leaving them nothing, not even photographs or mementoes .

So my mum changed hers so that her money (not a huge amount - her half of the family home and a few shares) is left in trust to my dad so he gets use of the house and interest from the cash for his lifetime, and then it comes to us.

It just stops so much potential heartbreak.

[AdoraJingleBells]

I would speak to XH, get the money put in trust and make sure that the right people receive it. I speak from experience. Having watched my vulture sister deny our nephew what was promised on GPs death. You don't have to be a step parent to behave appallingly when money is involved.

[AdoraJingleBells]

Sorry, meant to say - speak with SM

[CwtchesAndCuddles]

In an ideal world the SM would honour your ex wishes - in reality, all too often people fall out, things change etc. I personaly know of one family where the SM inherrited everything, remarried and the children were not given a penny.

[rollmeover]

Even with all the good will in the world and the SM stays true to the deal, what happens if she dies/becomes incapacitated six months after her husband? Her will would need to be clear that it goes to her step daughters otherwise all the money will go to her family.
Its so hard, but I think that even if the girls dont want to rock the boat you might have to.
Speaking to a solicitor is a good first stpep, but perhaps you could have a discussion with the stepmum too just to outline a few concerns (and you can couch it polite terms "i know you would never do anything to go against the girls best interests but what happens in x y z doomsday senario.)
Good luck.

[Crikeyblimey]

Not read all replIRS (am lazy) but what if his now wife remarries and has more or step children? What happens when she dies? Also you legally can't inherit money till you are 18.

I would be tempted to speak to him to clarify what his actual wishes are. You might be able to persuade him to set up a trust for the children which will legally become their's at 18.

Not a pleasant situation to be in - hope it works out.

[lljkk]

I don't know what any of us can say what a fair division is, because we don't know how much SM has brought to the business & marriage, or what she needs to live on. Half might be way too much from the exH's estate.

Everyone is assuming that the SM would be stingy. The opposite could be true. She could be much more generous under the proposed scheme than an settlement the DH might think up (and which the courts would find fair).

By getting the exH to explicitly state what his DDs get, they could end up with less. Easy for SM to think "Well they've had theirs" & provide rather less than she might have, otherwise.

[scarlettsmummy2]

If it was my daughters I would be contesting the will. No question.

[RedHelenB]

As dd would still be getting maintenance if he was still alive, at the very least you need to get this provided for her until she is 18.

[lamename]

I rather agree with scarlettsmummy - I can't see why both parents are not making any effort to ensure support for two young-ish children...

OP, are you and ex-DH both remarried with second families?

[2rebecca]

I disagree with many of these posts as I don't see my house and belongings as belonging to my children. They belong to me and my husband , if we choose to fritter it away on cruises and sweeties that's up to us. Yes I'll financially support our children until they are finished studying, but certainly if my husband or I die in 10 years time we wouldn't leave our house in trust to any kids, the other spouse would get it. it's our house, they have their own houses and should be making their own way in the world.
Yes to making provision for young children in a will, no to either spouse leaving the other one as a lodger in their own home whilst the house goes to the adult children. This doesn't happen in families where the parents stay together so why should it happen to separated families?
My mum died a few years ago and my dad inherited everything. If he wants to die with no money left that is his affair, I'm a big girl and can look after myself.

[BegoniaBampot]

This is different Rebecca. My friend's mum died when she was young. Her father married again to a woman with a child from a previous marriage. When he died he left everything to the second wife who then passed it all on to her son - my friend got nothing.

[FairPhyllis]

Rebecca, the point here is that it appears to be the exH's intention that the DDs do get some sort of provision from his estate - but the way he is choosing to administer this, through the SM, won't guarantee that what he wants will actually happen.

[flyingspaghettimonster]

There needs to be something in writing saying how she is to help them. If she remarries presumably her new partner would inherit her money that should really be for your children. I think I would have to bring up the subject, but tricky as presumably anything you say is going to be taken negatively...

[whois]

Disaster waiting to happen :-(

I really hope he reconsiders.

His estate, or a portion of it, should be left directly to his DCs. In trust, and with provision for SM to live in house, but leaving everything to her leves them with recourse if she marries again / dies / turns out to be a cow / gambles it away etc