Another inheritance AIBU

[GilbGeekette]

I'll try to be brief. ExH has terminal cancer and is young (early 40s). We have two DDs, 14yo lives with me and my DH, 16yo lives with ExH and her SM. Both the children have been told that when he dies, everything will be left to their SM with the (unofficial) understanding that she will provide them with financial help through Uni etc. I make no judgement as to whether this will happen or not, I don't know her well enough to be able to gauge this. ExH and wife are v well off.

Whilst I would have been pleased if the children were left something that was categorically 'theirs' I don't think it's any of my business. DH and I will help them with the cost of Uni as much as we are able, or they will have to do what lots of others do and get student loans.

The few (close friends and family) I have discussed this with have all been horrified and have said that, should this happen, I should contest the will on my DDs behalf. I feel really quite icky about this. AIBU to think that, whilst given similar circumstances, I might have made a different decision, it's none of my business?

[GilbGeekette]

Wow - thanks for all the replies. I'll try and answer some of the queries... Firstly, SM has no children of her own, but has been a v good SM to the girls.

Originally there was talk about a trust administered by a lawyer who is a mutual friend so at 18 they got income from assets but then she (lawyer) could use professional discretion about capital (such as a house purchase). This seemed sensible to me. However it has all changed to what's detailed in my original post.

It would not be possible for me to have any form of conversation with ExH about the rights/wrongs of this. Whilst we have managed civility for the sake of the girls, there is no reality in which he would discuss this with me. (Also, my marriage was unhappy and I'm still a bit scared of him. That's pathetic, I know but )

DDs are convinced that SM will do the right thing so aren't unduly fussed. They have a good relationship with their DF and SM and I am unwilling to imply that she would not support them.

[LondonNinja]

Hmm, but what, if God forbid, something were to happen to SM?

I guess what I am saying is pointless as ExH can't be talked to. I think he's being a bit irresponsible though. You (he) really shouldn't leave things like money and inheritance to 'goodwill' and hoping for the best.

[GilbGeekette]

Lamename - that was totally not my attitude. I have said that my DH and I will give them as much support as we are able but also that the reality for a number of young people is that they have to take out loans for Uni. Hardly the same as not being arsed...

Squeaky - some and some I think. Whilst SM had some money prior to the marriage they have built up a healthy business between them.

DH does not pay maintenance for DD who lives with us and we don't for DD who lives with them, it would sort of cancel out, IYSWIM?

There are personal effects being left to the girls, jewellery from ExHs DM which has sentimental value etc.

I'm a pessimist so have talked with DH about worst case scenario, which is that SM does not contribute. We can (and will!) manage. Unfortunately, as many of you have pointed out, good intentions etc can be overridden by grief etc, or just moving on with life. I'd never expect SM to be responsible for my DDs at all, however I would hope that she continues to be a part of their life as she has been a bit part of it. In some ways, as naive as it sounds, I think that's more important for the DDs than money is.

[GilbGeekette]

*big part of their life, not bit

[squeakytoy]

You sound very fair, and it sounds to me as though the SM will be fair too.

If my husband were to die tomorrow, I would not stop being a SM to his 3 children, and would hope that I would always be their SM too, and that they would always be a part of my life.

It must be devastating for everyone (and probably yourself in a way too) that he is going to die at such a young age.

Is your eldest DD going to continue living with her SM?

[Dozer]

It sounds v tricky, but if the SM doesn't do anything to help the DDs, or dies or remarries and the money goes elsewhere, how do you think they will feel towards you then?

Basically you are unwilling to try to secure money for their future because it'll mean difficult conversations with your ex and his wife. Not great, on top of their father rejecting them in favour of his wife (in leaving money to her).

[MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember]

How does inheritance tax work where you are?

Can't children inherit a certain amount without paying tax from their father, but not from their stepmother as she isn't a blood relation?

So financially, he should be leaving up to the tax-free limit in trust for each of the children, and leaving the rest to their stepmother.

Also, I think, legally, the children have a right to a certain amount (is it a third) of their father's estate.

As it is, you are trusting the sm to support the children until they are 18, and then through university, and then trusting her to make a will to leave the money to them when she dies. You are also assuming she won't get remarried, or die without a will, or decide to leave her money to her own family.

I think you should take legal advice and probably challenge the will on behalf of your children, who (as long as they are both under 18 when their father dies) are still minors.

You should put your children's financial future ahead of your potential future relationship with their stepmother.

[DontmindifIdo]

hmm, that complicates matters, your DD's SM is equally responsible for the wealth if she's helped build the business.

I would suggest you get the DDs to contest the will though, get a lump sum for uni.

Also be prepared for the DD who's living with her father to move back in with you.

[GilbGeekette]

Squeaky - thank you. I'm a bit teary now, oh dear. Need some

Eldest hopes to carry on living with SM until she leaves for Uni. She's got all her friends there, is doing A Levels at the local college etc etc And, for the last 2.5 years, SM has been her mum on a day to day basis. SM has said to me that this is what she wants to happen too. I've told SM and DD that there will always be a place for DD with me, but that I would support her living where she wanted to, if that makes sense.

Ugh, I hate the potent emotional mixture of finances and death. I am going to find that cuppa and collect myself. Thanks again!

[squeakytoy]

Contesting the will may just cause a huge rift, which could be irrepairable. I would think very hard before doing it.

[lljkk]

GilbGeek how far off is your younger DD from turning 15?

I like what ajandjjmum wrote. Raise your concern politely.

I would not try to contest it, though, unless (perhaps) the SM proceeded to not provide as promised. The negative fall out would not be worth it, otherwise.

Lamename, are you legally qualified, are you sure the girls would both have a legit claim?

[maillotjaune]

I think the fact that your daughters are happy with the situation is important. They aren't 5, and by getting more involved and, as you say, implying their SM may not look after them, could cause bigger problems.

It's not ideal, it's not what I would do if I were in your exH's position, but I do think your position is a sensible way to deal with a difficult situation.

[BuntyPenfold]

I can't think of a way to say this gently - if the Stepmother were to die suddenly, all the money could go to her next of kin, and your 2 DD might see none of it, ever.
If you can't talk to your ex, and I understand it's an awful situation, can you talk to their stepmother?
As an arrangement, it is really not good enough. Have you posted for advice in Legal?

[OrangeClub]

Is there a Will? Is it an assumption that everything goes to his wife or a fact?

I would see a solicitor to be honest. Your children are minors.

Inheritance (Provision for Family and Dependents) Act 1975. Google this on the Internet.

What prevents the SM from remarrying and leaving everything to her new husband and cutting your children out altogether?

[MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember]

Yes it might cause a rift but it would still, imo, be the right thing to do.

Because if in ten years' time the sm has remarried and decided to leave everything to her new partner, or to her wider family, it will be much too late at that stage to do anything about it.

Personally, I think if the sm is truly looking out for the girls she would be suggesting that money is put in trust for their education in the most tax-efficient way. I'm not saying all his money should go to them, but a proportion should.

[squeakytoy]

It isnt all HIS money though. It is money that has been amassed during their marriage in a business that he has built WITH his wife, not his ex wife.

If there were no money involved, there would be none of this.

[BobbiFleckmann]

start keeping detailed records of the financial support ExH makes and has made for your daughters.
You need to build a picture of financial dependence - so any purchase of school uniform / clothes, paying for clubs, paying maintenance for them. This is extremely easy to prove in the case of the resident daughter since she presumably is housed and fed and clothed by him directly.
On the basis that they are financial dependents, tehy have a claim under the Inheritance (Provision for Famil & Dependents) Act 1975.
Now this is where I get a little hazy, but should they make a claim, which is highly likely to be succesful given teh facts, the cost of the claim (both their legal fees and the estate's) will be borne out of the estate - ie both the Stepmother and the children will end up with less.

Pointing out that failure to make proper provision for the girls, whether by trust (so you don't get your hands on it, if that's what his issue is) or directly will lead to only the bloody lawyers benefitting should focus people's minds.

There is of course a possibility that there are mutual wills and that they have made provision for ExH's money to go to SM for life and remainder to teh girls, however in that situation there is no g'tee that there will be a remainder and there won't be cash when they need it

[WilsonFrickett]

I think you need legal advice. There are two things here:
I think your children have a claim on what in Scotland is called the 'moveable estate' - that is the money left over once housing etc is taken into account and money over a certain limit. So, in Scotland surviving spouses are entitled to around 450,000 free and clear and any remaining has to be split unless there's a will to the contrary. I know the law is different in England but it's worth checking the principle. What that means is you can contest the will without contesting the will iyswim.


The other thing is, as other pps have said, if the SM dies where does the money go?

I would at least post in legal. I admire you for not wanting to 'get into it' but I think you do need to find out exactly what your DDs rights are. Because they will have some unless they're removed by the will. And in that case the will will likely have some sort of instruction as to what is expected of the SM.

[GilbGeekette]

DD will be 15 in the spring. Eldest will be 17 v soon.

There is a Will, eldest DD was there when it was being signed and witnessed (not by her, obviously!) I haven't seen it but both DDs have had it explained to them by their DF and have told me the same thing.

I'm trying my hardest to not rock boats for the sake of DDs, who have enough to cope with at present; yes, I accept that this is a short term view, but god, I love them and it's killing me seeing them so upset.

I think enough people think that whilst I might not be BU per se, I might be being... unwise. I guess there's no harm in talking to a lawyer and seeing what the legal situation is, taking advice and then making a decision.

[RubyrooUK]

It sounds like your children have a very good relationship with their SM and that is very important, especially without their dad. I think you are a lovely mum, OP, for thinking of your children and that relationship and realising it has such importance.

Perhaps the conversation to have with your ex and the SM then is that the children love them both and you're anxious in case something happens to that parent (the SM) too. You want to make sure that the children won't have to worry financially about that on top of everything else.

[MaryZezItsOnlyJustNovember]

But there is money.

And I'm not saying they should get it all. But enough money to see them through education, and maybe a small sum to use towards a house deposit (depending on how much money there is) should be put in trust for each of them. Just in case something goes wrong.

[BobbiFleckmann]

squeaky - it might be lottery winnings, it might be joint business earnings. Doesn't matter what the source is, he needs to provide for family with reasonable financial provision.

[lljkk]

If you can't talk direct to ex-H could you talk direct with SM? Just lay out on the table your worries. It's not about you, It's about your DD's interests.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Grief and money is a combination that brings out the worst in people quite often. I am really shocked that your ExDH is not making specific provision for his children.

[lots33]

I wonder if the SM has a compatiable will IYKIM. My father died 20 years ago when my siblings and I were late teenagers - one of us still in school and none of us had been to uni yet. He left everything to my SM but her will and his explained that, after her death, the proceeds of his share of their home, plus his capital (she had the interest on this in her lifetime) would come to us. We were not helped through uni but tbh, wouldn't have been anyway - we all worked through uni as both parents would have thought that was the right thing. My SM died last year and we had money then which was probably much better for us as we are all older and more sensible with money now! So it depends on the will and the SM.

I hope you and your daughters are OK, it will be tough when they lose their dad. I still think about mine and miss him everyday.