Awful situation over inheritance-who is BU?

[whoisright]

I have namechanged as this is such a volatile subject in my family....despite the fact that nobody has even died yet

It is a long story and it is bothering me every day because I do not know what to do or say and it is causing no end of upset and stress within the family.

I am the eldest of 3, our parents divorced years ago. My mum lives in family home (big-ish house in good area) with my younger sister who is planning on moving out soon with her dp so they can live together.

HOWEVER dsis has some health issues (epilepsy) and our mum wants to provide for her so the house will (when our parents have died) go to her, if she has moved out she will just move straight back in again and take it over (no mortgage so she wont have to worry about paying as she has no job).

I have accepted this, but my brother is livid. absolutely livid and has said there is no way he will accept this, he wants the house sold and the money split 3 ways. He has said that yes, she is ill but that we all have problems in our lives and it shouldnt be just one child that is provided for.
He himself has a good job, 2 children but a lot of debt and is renting so sees the money as possibly a deposit for a house and he has mentioned to me that my circumstances are not great (we live in a council house, have 4 dcs with a genetic condition and debts too) but really after living with my sister and seeing her every day I know she will never really be able to work so will not get a chance to get a house like that-she is currently waiting for a council flat to move in with her dp temporarily untill time comes that hey get the family home.

I think my brother should really give this up now, stop going on about it and just accept it like I have. The last thing I want in a few years time is to be caught up in a horrible battle over a house. Yes, that amount of money would be life changing but at the end of the day it is my mums house and it is her choice which of her children she leaves it to.

It is causing a lot of tension between my brother and sister they are both gearing up towards a huge fight over this at some point and I dont know what to say. What do i do?

[catsmother]

However much you discuss the legalities, the potential practical pitfalls, timescales and so on, buried underneath all of that is the emotional impact of such a gesture. I do feel very sorry for both you and your brother OP and admire you for somehow having come to terms with the fact that your sister has long been the favoured child. Your mum's current plan obviously confirms how she feels differently about your sister and I suspect it's possibly dragged up a lot of very deep set and unpleasant feelings for your brother. I'm sure that just like you he understands your sister has particular problems making her life harder than it might otherwise be but that doesn't automatically mean you or he are free from problems either, as you've alluded to. As so many others have already said, there shouldn't have to be this all or nothing plan - which your sister may well be incapable of realising in any case (for practical or financial reasons) and I'm sure your brother wouldn't be so angry - which I'm sure (in the circumstances described) comes from hurt as opposed to pure jealousy - if your mum had researched the issue more thoroughly and objectively, with a view to hopefully (as who can predict the future) providing additional support for your sister but not ignoring you and your brother completely. It's pretty devastating to feel a sibling is loved more than you are and while no-one wishes your mum dead (though I can't speak for your sister who seems to have it all planned out!) the hard cold fact is that one day everyone goes, and if there was anything left to inherit at that time, it's not entirely unreasonable to hope that as a child, your parent would want you to benefit. Your brother may well feel, even if subconsciously, that were she to leave something to him it would be a reassurance that she did "love him after all" if you see what I mean ? I do understand that it must be horrible for you OP to feel you have to talk about this now and can quite see why you fear a big family rift over the next couple of decades or so, but maybe, it would be better to have this all out now - and perhaps sorted to some extent ? - even if it means being very frank, and talking about stuff which is difficult - rather than live with a simmering resentment for goodness knows how long.

I don't know how much of this has been directly discussed with your mum or whether bits and bobs of info has trickled down indirectly with your sister perhaps "gloating" to an extent about this big house she's "going to get" ? If it hasn't come straight from your mum then maybe you and your brother need to clear the air with her and confess how upset it's made you. I know he voices it more but it seems to me you're hurt too - but resigned. Maybe your mum has the best of intentions but hasn't thought through the pitfalls like inheritance tax, or what would happen to the property if your sister marries and then dies before her husband ? Maybe she hasn't considered that your sister might not be able to afford the upkeep of a big house ? And maybe .... she simply hasn't thought how rejected this plan has made the two of you feel. If she knew - for sure - she might think again about how best to protect your sister, but not at the complete expense of her other children.

I wonder .... is there any other family member, one step removed, who had nothing obvious to gain, who might share some of your concerns and feelings (and understand all the various points raised in this thread) who might be prepared to raise the issue in a careful and tactful way. It would have to be someone with their head screwed on, who's trustworthy and discreet - am thinking maybe one of your mum's siblings if she has any - an aunt or uncle of yours whose opinion she'd trust and value. Is there anyone like that you could confide in who might be willing to step in as peacemaker ?

[diddl]

Thing is, when sister moves out, then all three siblings have their own homes.

No one "needs" the family home.

I agree that perhaps father needs to ask for his share-why should he be comfortable in his old age?

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I really feel enraged on you and your brothers behalf. Your children and his children in your mums mind do not deserve the same security that your sisters unborn children do. It's madness.

[Dozer]

If I were your dad, would be having strong words with ex-wife and DD!

[SlightlySuperiorPeasant]

Gosh, I can see why some people leave everything to the cats!

I think your DM's plan is very unfair and I can't imagine what she is thinking by announcing all of this now and causing such upset. If you and your brother were well settled with your own homes and a comfortable income I could see the logic but that doesn't seem to be the case. How sad.

I think you have the right idea though - stay well out of it and live your own life. Your DBro and DSis seem to be living their lives based on a very shaky idea of what will happen when your parents die. Nice

[Popumpkin]

As Mintyy said, your mum is 60 and in good health. So much can change over the course of the next 20 years or so that I really don't think you need to spend time worrying about this now.

Speaking as someone who's mum has very recently passed away and left a hard-to-accept bequest in her will (totally different circumstances but still a sizeable share of the home myself & my siblings grew up in), I would actually say that you are doing the best thing for your own sanity to accept your mum's decision and get on with living your own life.

No, it doesn't sound fair & yes I can understand why your DB feels the way he does. However, it is your mum's decision to make and just so much can happen between now & her eventual passing to change things. For example, it is entirely possible that your DSis may not outlive your DM or that the house may have to be sold to fund sheltered accommodation or a care home as your mum's own needs change over the years.

Even if this does happen & your DSis does eventually get the entirety of the house she may not be able to keep it. You say your mum has no other savings so how will the funeral be funded? Likewise any debts your mum may leave? These will all have to be paid out of the estate if neither yourself nor your DB are in a position to cover the cost (or even if you are you may not want to). The house would have to be sold.

Please try not to worry or let this eat away at you. Your DM may also change her mind about her will as the years go by, mine certainly did!

[ihavenofuckingclue]

What does your dad say?

As it is the family home, presumably he has paid toward the mortgage. Doesn't that entitle him to something.

[senua]

You could also mention to Dmum the consequences of her actions: this is likely to cause a huge rift so that Dsis is likely to be left with money but no family. There will be no no back-up; family support will die when Dmum does. Is this what she wants?

[DownTheRabidHole]

I don't like strangers or new places but I really like the look of Blenheim Palace, I expect it on a plate ta.

Your sister and your mum are beign VU. No wonder your brother is furious.

Stop being such a doormat.

You probably won't change anything but you deserve a rant tbh - sounds like your mum/sis have ignored your wishes/needs all your life.

Your sisters quite frankly is having a laugh - " oooh I'm too ill to work" , but not too ill to run a big house, get married and have a bunch of kids.

[Dozer]

No wonder you're stressed, is v difficult situation, but you can't expect your brother - and your DH - to handle it in the same way as you. This isn't his fault, it's your mother's and sister's. You seem scared of both your DM and sister, so are passive in response to their actions and continue being nice to them.

[sleepyhead]

Actually, I don't think this is a conversation you can have with your mum while your sister is still in the house. It would put her under too much pressure when she's having to live with your sister's moods and demands on a daily basis.

She may feel differently when your sister is settled out of the family home and some of the responsibility is lifted from her.

[pictish]

I agree. I think this is a subject that should be raised after your sister has left home and is living independently. I don't think your parents can see the wood for the trees at the moment.

She needs to leave for them to realise she does fine away from the family home, and has no more entitlement to it and you and your brother.

I am of the belief that a three way equal split is ALL that is acceptable. Ever.

Your parents are being ridiculous.

[pictish]

than you and your brother

[RubyrooUK]

I think your mum needs to tackle this issue head on with all her children.

Both my parents/in-laws have faced situations where after their parents' death, there is perceived favouritism of one sibling. This has led on both sides to resentment and people who should support each other ending up angry.

Wills are emotional issues. Your mum needs to take into account that many factors may change before she dies. You and your DH may become more unwell; your brother may become more unwell; and your sister may improve. Splitting the house three ways is the only way that she can do her best against the uncertainty of life.

[WearingGreen]

I think your mum is being unfair and your sister is childish and unrealistic.

I can understand your mum wanting to try and level the playing field a bit on account of your dsis's compromised earning potential but that isn't what she is doing. She is providing your dsis with a home and a lifestyle that would be out of her reach if she wasn't the favourite diagnosed with epilepsy.

[flowery]

Wouldn't occur to me to presume to try and influence my parents in terms of what they decide to do in terms of wills.

I would make sure they were taking proper advice from a specialist solicitor who would no doubt advise them of all the issues people are raising here, and other than that I would stay out of it and carry on, especially if as in the OPs situation, it's not remotely expected to be an imminent issue.

[fuzzpig]

What a nightmare. I'm with your brother on this, and I think you are far too nice for your own (and your children's) good. What condition do they have? Don't they deserve support too?

I don't understand why your sister is waiting until your mum dies to start a family

[AmberLeaf]

I don't own my own home and probably won't ever BUT if I did, it is without doubt that it would be left solely to my youngest child who has high functioning autism.

His brothers are able and capable and will be able to make their own way in the world, he quite probably won't.

I can sort of see your brothers point, but at the same time I think he looks grabby and jealous.

Re epilepsy, some people are more affected by it than others. so its pointless saying 'someone I know has it and they work full time' etc

[diddl]

"I don't understand why your sister is waiting until your mum dies to start a family"

Doesn´t make sense to me either.

In fact I´m also wondering why sister is moving out & her partner isn´t just moving in.

[digerd]

I think the heir is responsible for paying the funeral costs, is in other EU, countries, but then all the blood -line have the right to their share in law in those countries, just not in the english speaking countries.

[BreconBeBuggered]

Will your sister throw a hissy fit if your mother, at only 60, decides to remarry and puts the whole inheritance malarkey in jeopardy? Seems as if you're the only one who isn't standing like a vulture over your perfectly healthy mother and waiting for her to leave the juicy carcase behind. I do feel for your brother as this is an emotional kick in the teeth, but he has a pretty macabre approach to financial planning.

[Namechangeabc]

Has your mother actually made a will? I think that if she goes to a solicitor to have such a will drawn up, s/he will point out the potential pitfalls.

[Cahoots]

I can really relate to you with this problem. Sometimes you have to let things go even if it is a painful and unfair situation. I have had to do this myself.

I have two siblings who have always leached off my parents. I used to work weekends and some evenings when I was at school while they leached. I studied hard, got a degree, worked ALL my holidays, I lived in grotty bedsits etc. etc. All the while my siblings slobbed around living at home on the dole. They could even manage 'work experience schemes' My parents have continued to 'help' them and even helped them set up a buisness. Largely thanks to my parents help they now work and have their own homes. Both also did ok in the property boom.
These days they are both ok financially, not rich but ok. They have holidays and two cars. One parent can stay at home with the DC's etc. I have been very fortunate and through mine and my DH's hard work we are very comfortably off. I think my DF is thinking of leaving his estate to my siblings as they 'need' it more than me. This pisses me off immensely. I don't need the money but that's not the point. I deal with it by not dealing with it . I ignore it and won't discuss it with anyone. Maybe my DC's will? I know if my DF dies and doesn't split his inheritence three ways I will be hurt but I wont do anything about it. It sucks but I will suck it up.

.....and breathe

[oohlaalaa]

I was just thinking about your predicament, when it occured to me that your mum is the same age as mine. I've not concerned myself with inheritance, as always assumed it could easily be 30 + years off, and anything can happen in that time.

I shouldn't concern yourself too much with it.

[fuzzpig]

That's what I was thinking too diddl - if OP has lived there with 2 DCs in the past presumably it's not beyond the realms of possibility for DP to move in and for them to even start a family sooner and, since she is unwell, have her mum help out. Not that I'm saying that's a great idea, but I don't get why sister isn't planning that so she doesn't have to wait until she is possibly too old to have babies