Awful situation over inheritance-who is BU?

[whoisright]

I have namechanged as this is such a volatile subject in my family....despite the fact that nobody has even died yet

It is a long story and it is bothering me every day because I do not know what to do or say and it is causing no end of upset and stress within the family.

I am the eldest of 3, our parents divorced years ago. My mum lives in family home (big-ish house in good area) with my younger sister who is planning on moving out soon with her dp so they can live together.

HOWEVER dsis has some health issues (epilepsy) and our mum wants to provide for her so the house will (when our parents have died) go to her, if she has moved out she will just move straight back in again and take it over (no mortgage so she wont have to worry about paying as she has no job).

I have accepted this, but my brother is livid. absolutely livid and has said there is no way he will accept this, he wants the house sold and the money split 3 ways. He has said that yes, she is ill but that we all have problems in our lives and it shouldnt be just one child that is provided for.
He himself has a good job, 2 children but a lot of debt and is renting so sees the money as possibly a deposit for a house and he has mentioned to me that my circumstances are not great (we live in a council house, have 4 dcs with a genetic condition and debts too) but really after living with my sister and seeing her every day I know she will never really be able to work so will not get a chance to get a house like that-she is currently waiting for a council flat to move in with her dp temporarily untill time comes that hey get the family home.

I think my brother should really give this up now, stop going on about it and just accept it like I have. The last thing I want in a few years time is to be caught up in a horrible battle over a house. Yes, that amount of money would be life changing but at the end of the day it is my mums house and it is her choice which of her children she leaves it to.

It is causing a lot of tension between my brother and sister they are both gearing up towards a huge fight over this at some point and I dont know what to say. What do i do?

[diddl]

Blimey-is everyone scared of your sister?

Is this childhood home the only house that she can possible live in because of her epilepsy?

Has it been adapted for her in some way?

[sudaname]

I hope your mum lives to be 100 - and the last 10 years in a very expensive care home. [evil]

That would be karma at it's best for your sister.

[MrsBucketxx]

or a massive tax bill.

[valiumredhead]

The tax bill won't be that much unless the house is worth a fortune and even then not that much as it will be divided between your mum and dad and seen as separate.

[whoisright]

Sometimes I wonder though if it is the epilepsy or medication making her act a certain way as she can also be really lovely it just changes so often you never know what to expect with her .

[squeakytoy]

Reading this, it makes me almost grateful that I was an only child. When my parents died it did make things a lot more straightforwards.

I dont think your brother is being unreasonable OP. I can see his point.

[didldidi]

She doesnt like unfamiliar places and only wants to eventually live/raise a family in the house she grew up in. this isn't just epilepsy is it?
It also sounds like she hasn't always had it. Has something happened to her to cause the epilepsy? something else which makes it hard for her to work?

and if she moves out with her boyfriend as planned - surely she'll no longer be a dependent of your mother?

[ioness]

I think if a will is unfair, it's asking for trouble.

There's really no reason why your dm couldn't split the inheritance three ways and your sister use her proportion as a deposit on a flat or something.

She's going to end up dividing your family by doing this. It's not fair on you or your brother.

My gm had a similar situation. She divided the estate into four parts and gave one brother (who was disabled) two shares. Nobody had a problem with this. Although he does work, he's unable to do very lucrative jobs, whereas the other two siblings had good jobs.

[squeakytoy]

Depends on the area Valium. In London and surrounding areas a 3 bed house is almost always worth more than the inheritance tax threshold.

[whoisright]

She started having fits at 14, nothing before then nobody knows what caused it.

[foslady]

Know this situation well - toxic relative got left the lot.

She's a very lonely person now, especially after all the lies she spread

[ChocHobNob]

From reading everything you have said OP, your Mum is being unreasonable.

She apparently wants to leave the house to your sister so she has a home and is safe due to her illness ... But that home could be anywhere. The money from the sale of the house can be split 3 ways and she can put it towards a house. It appears your Mother is actually using her illness as an excuse to leave the house to her because your sister WANTS to bring up her children in her family home. For that, your sister is being unreasonable. If she wants the house, then she should have to find a way of keeping it but paying you and your brother your share of the money so that the children are all treated equally.

Your sister wants to keep the house to herself and is happy for you and your brother to go without.

Your brother on the other hand, wants to fight for his and YOUR share of the family home. He doesn't want the money all to himself.

It's not surprising your brother is upset by this if your sister has been favourite all of your lives and will continue to be so after your parents have passed away.

But if you do not want to get involved (because ultimately, it is up to your Mum what she does) don't get involved. Tell them you don't want to talk about it and don't let anyone involve you in any conversations over it. But you will just have to accept that this is going to cause a rift in family relations.

[Loveweekends10]

My friend is epileptic. She has constant fits yet is a respiratory nurse specialist and earns a great wage. In fact I know quite a few people with epilepsy who just get on with their lives despite frequent fits.
It sounds more like she has been pampered and protected and turned into an invalid. Probably by your parents.
She needs her butt kicking if you ask me.

[sleepyhead]

I'm worried for the welfare of your mum in her old age tbh. What is she going to have to go without to make sure your sister gets this inheritance?

Will she refuse to downsize and rattle around a too-big house that's falling apart around her ears (if she doesn't have much in savings to maintain it then it just takes one bad winter..)?

Will she refuse to move into sheltered housing or pay carers or eat properly or heat the place properly just to maintain her assets for you sister's sake?

Bear in mind that your mum may well be being bullied by your sister too and it may get worse as she gets older and more infirm.

[Floggingmolly]

And I doubt the Benefits Office would be too happy to be asked to cover it, Valium . Seriously, how would she find the money?

[DeWe]

Normally on these I think the complainers are being very entitled and grasping. But on this occasion, I think he's right.

If you both had your own houses and she was on the list for housing, it might be reasonable, if still unfair division wise.
But when none of you own your own houses it is't fair.

Also any money your dm has saved may well end up going on death duties for your dsis to keep the house, so you and db will get nothing-and may even end up paying some money for her.

my sister has stated she wants the house she grew up in-will never sell it she wants to move straight back in and then have a family. her and dp are currently waiting for a 1 bed council flat which they will give up when my mums house becomes available.

She sounds at best thoughtless, and very grasping. Has she been "working" on your dm to get this or was it your dm's thought out of the blue? Because it sounds to me she's been working on this for some time.

[Cantbelieveitsnotbutter]

If it canbe split and still enable her a home just smaller then I can't see your mums argument. But it's her money she can do what she wants, although I do think its asking for trouble with an unfair will. I don't think it's your mum that's out of order I think it's your sis. She's clearly being very selfish not realising how the money could also benefit your children and your brothers.

There is one way round the inheritance tax / care home problem, not sure you'd want to share it though. The house goes in her name now, assuming your mum lives for 7 years they can't touch it.

[ChocHobNob]

Perhaps your Mother feels pressurised into leaving the house to your sister because she too is frightened of the repercussions if your sister doesn't get her own way

[Thisisaeuphemism]

I think your mother is making a bad decision. At least she has been honest about it tho. I'm afraid if I were you or your brother I would discuss with her how hurtful it was and then if she didn't accept it, I would cut her out of my life.

[DontmindifIdo]

OP - you don't have to decide you won't care for your mum in her old age, but I'd plant that seed now, she's being unfair, she can't expect you all to be fair to her. Also, once your sister has moved out of the house, her new flat will be a familiar surroundings, she might not be able to see herself living anywhere else now, but once she's done it, then it'll be easier.

I'd also encourage your dad to force the sale once your Dsis has moved out, not for his own sake, but for your mums, if she's able to continue living there, she'll back herself into a corner and feel she has no choice but continue to live there regardless of what would be in the best interest for herself as she ages, or her DCs (I really think it would be better for yoru sister to have your mum sell the house now and be able to help her get the deposit for a small house of her own with her DP, possibly in a few years time, that'll give her her own 'family home' when she's still young enough to have a family - and speaking as someone who knows a lot of people with the same condition as your dsis, the earlier she starts a family the better, she's got a lot less time for a healthy baby than other woman her age).

[pictish]

I think your sister and your parents are being unreasonable.
"I want" shouldn't get, and I understand your brother's resentment entirely.

Your sister sounds very entitled. There's you, with four kids, while she has none - and yet she reckons she's the one entitled to the family home just because she wants it?

I think your parents are blind and horribly unfair.

[Paiviaso]

It is up to your parents who they leave their house to, but they are being very unfair to their other two children.

Are your parents expected to die soon? Sorry for the question, but you said your sister will only consider having a family in the family home, but what if your parents live on all through her fertile years and then some? Surely she will settle somewhere else.

I don't think your parents are doing much for family relations.

[fatcuntroller]

To me it seems so pointless to be falling out over this now. Your sister could easily be well into her 50s by the time your mum dies!

I don't understand this discussion over wills before anyone is terminally ill/has died. My parents are in their early 60s and I haven't a clue what's in their wills.

I do feel for you though...a family divide is very stressful. I also think there's a lot more to it than epilspsy.

[StanleyLambchop]

I am not getting the 'must live in familiar surrounding' argument, especially if she is about to move out and live with her partner anyway! That is not a trait of epilepsy, more like something your sister says to get her own way.

I cannot believe that your mother just sat back and let you sis throw you out of the house, yet you still believe that she loves you all the same!

I think it would be worth your brother talking to your dad, he still has some control in this situation as he has an interest in the house. You say he did not push for the sale of the family home to release his interest as he did not want to make your sis homeless. Now she is moving out to live with her partner is it not time to review that situation?

[senua]

Would it be an idea to play a waiting game?
Will the relationship between Dmum and Dsis change when she moves out. If Dmum can see that Dsis is not quite so helpless, will she feel less need to mollycoddle?

I can understand that you don't want to get involved in sibling wars and fight on your own behalf but don't you want to fight for your DCs' sakes. Can you explain to your Dmum that they have needs too.