Awful situation over inheritance-who is BU?

[whoisright]

I have namechanged as this is such a volatile subject in my family....despite the fact that nobody has even died yet

It is a long story and it is bothering me every day because I do not know what to do or say and it is causing no end of upset and stress within the family.

I am the eldest of 3, our parents divorced years ago. My mum lives in family home (big-ish house in good area) with my younger sister who is planning on moving out soon with her dp so they can live together.

HOWEVER dsis has some health issues (epilepsy) and our mum wants to provide for her so the house will (when our parents have died) go to her, if she has moved out she will just move straight back in again and take it over (no mortgage so she wont have to worry about paying as she has no job).

I have accepted this, but my brother is livid. absolutely livid and has said there is no way he will accept this, he wants the house sold and the money split 3 ways. He has said that yes, she is ill but that we all have problems in our lives and it shouldnt be just one child that is provided for.
He himself has a good job, 2 children but a lot of debt and is renting so sees the money as possibly a deposit for a house and he has mentioned to me that my circumstances are not great (we live in a council house, have 4 dcs with a genetic condition and debts too) but really after living with my sister and seeing her every day I know she will never really be able to work so will not get a chance to get a house like that-she is currently waiting for a council flat to move in with her dp temporarily untill time comes that hey get the family home.

I think my brother should really give this up now, stop going on about it and just accept it like I have. The last thing I want in a few years time is to be caught up in a horrible battle over a house. Yes, that amount of money would be life changing but at the end of the day it is my mums house and it is her choice which of her children she leaves it to.

It is causing a lot of tension between my brother and sister they are both gearing up towards a huge fight over this at some point and I dont know what to say. What do i do?

[TakeMyEyesButNotTheGoat]

I feel sorry for you and your brother OP.

[ihavenofuckingclue]

also the likely hood is that she will be deemed fit to work under the new plans.
Its impossible to say a person with her condition will never work. Even severe cases can be brought under control. It just takes the correct medications, levels and combination. It can take a while but the expectation is that they will eventually.

I would be interested to know what medication she is on for it. Tried was can increase the amount of sieziures so I am surprised she is on medication that makes her so tired.
Perhaps she should go back yo the go and request a review of meds.

I think your brother is pissed off because you mum is again telling him that his sister and her problems are more important than his. Therefore she cares more.
I don't think it is just about him wanting a house. Its about what her disinheriting him means and the subtext.

[NotQuintAtAllOhNo]

My nieces cousin died from epilepsy when she was 18.

That aside, get your mum to set up a proper will. In many ways, she is doing your brother a favour - she is letting him know that HE is responsible for his life and his debts, and if I was his mum I might do the same, as no way would I let the family home be divided just so that one child should pay his creditors or fritter it away. Dont be surprised if you all three inherit, if you have all shown that you can handle money and be responsible in your lives, rather than rely on your parents death to sort you out. Your brother is being a greedy arse.

Stop fretting and tell your brother to stop talking to you about it, but work and clear his debts and stop thinking that your parents passing will be the answer to his prayers.

[Floggingmolly]

Why can't your sister work? It sounds like she's been mollycoddled all her life - I have some family members with epilepsy; it's easily controlled and they live normal, productive lives.
If your sister is planning a family, she's hardly incapacitated, is she?
Your brother has a valid point.

[Iheardthatpardon]

It is your Mum's house/money and while it is unfair, it is up to her who inherits. Personally though, as a parent, I would want to treat my children equally and not cause friction or bad feeling after my death.

Another thing you may need to consider is that should your sister pass away and has not made a specific provision, her husband could end up with the house. Has your mother considered this possibility? (Sorry don't mean to be upsetting, just looking at all scenarios).

What might be more acceptable is that your sister gets a life interest in the house, ie can stay there rent free and when she passes, the house is sold to benefit any surviving children and grandchildren? That way your sister has a roof over her head if she needs it but you or your children will eventually benefit (along with sister's and brother's children)

Hope your mother and sister have also thought about how the house will be maintained - a big house will be expensive to run and maintain and if your sister is not able to work, this may become a problem.

[whoisright]

No other assests probably just a very small amount of savings so the house is all there is.

I have no money but feel I can live without any share of the house as the grief it will cause would be unbearable. I would rather lead a life with nothing than benefit from the house being sold then be on the recieving end of my very angry sister. I do also feel sorry for her she has gone through some really bad things and been so unwell sometimes.

[Mintyy]

This is ridiculous! Your mum is only 60? What you should all be hoping for is that she lives at least another 20 years and an awful lot can change in that time.

[whoisright]

I know mintyy I HATE thinking about a time when both my parents are dead

[lamename]

I wouldn't advise staying out of this row just because you are frightened of your DSIS (I get the feeling she can be a little bit, er, pouty when crossed.)

Thanks to her and DM, you and your bro have got nothing to lose by having a frank conversation. She may be the favourite, but she'll get a rude shock when you point out that she and her partner will have to do all the caring from now on, and if DM ends up in care she won't even see the house after all that. Go for it - really.

I know someone this happened to - an couple in their late 60s announced the bequest of their family home, now worth over a million, to the favourite child, their son. Other child got zero. Anyway, the father, who was already pretty daft, went senile-with-drink at 70 and currently is in a home at 1k a week. There will be nothing left, as he's in fine physical health and now only 75 - his father lived to 95. The greedy child is dumped looking after a fretful old woman (mother) and maintaining a house with a charge on it from the council. The rejected child is sitting pretty.

[MrsBucketxx]

you dsis sounds a bit of a spoilt brat tbh.

could you not sit all of you together over a cuppa and talk about it. or just your sister and make her see what she is doing all of you.

failing that, if i was your brother i would tell them it wont be an easy ride for any of them if they go through with this and contest it in court.

your sister sounds very immature and not in touch with the reality of it all.

[DontmindifIdo]

Also think about the whole "sister raising children in that house" isn't going to happen - a) she's got epilepsy, and bad enough that she can't work, the chances of her getting and staying pregnant aren't good, and b) her fertility will probably be long gone by the time your mum dies and c) she won't be able to pay the inheritance tax or run a large home.

The only way that will happen is if your dsis is planning on moving back in with your mum once she's pregnant. That's a very real possibly and a lot of this might be more about trying to stop your mum from selling now.

[Loveweekends10]

I think you are all being a little naive. My mum had a house but then developed Parkinson's disease and dementia. The nursing home fees were £950 per week! Work out the maths then how you are going to pay for that unless she sells her house.
Or are you all planning to care for her day and night and not incur fees?
Believe me when I say you are arguing over something that may never exist.

[MrsBucketxx]

yes i have a freind who has miscarried several times due to here medication. its really sad. treat the epilepsy or look after your unborn its abhard amd dangerous choice

yoir sister is in la la land

[whoisright]

I would help to look after my mum when she is old. It is not about the house or the money I detest having to have the conversations with my sister and brother now YEARS before anything could happen.

I just dont know what to say anymore I hate having to take sides which I suppose I am doing by accepting that my sister will get everything, I care about my brother too and I feel guilty. They couldnt even divide it between the 2 of them it seems to be all or nothing.

[AndBingoWasHisNameOh]

Your sister sounds desperately entitled and sounds like she uses her health and directed anger to bully people (particularly you) into getting her own way. I can very much see your brother?s POV here.

[Namechangeabc]

We've been through this, though without the argument. My DSis will get everything when our parents die. We have a house, and DSis health means she won't be able to get on the housing ladder otherwise. So we're in the position we can all agree about this. DSis health means she will never have children and our DCs will inherit from her. (There may not be anything to inherit by then, of course! But still, it doesn't feel as though "our" inheritance is completely gone.)

Our Dparents needed legal advice with their Will because it is complicated: Firstly, if DSis married, her DH would be entitled to half; not something our Dparents want as they're trying to protect DSis.
Secondly, there's the whole care home costs issue.
Inheritance tax isn't an issue with us, but that might be a third issue.

Your mother really needs to take a long, hard look at this.

[VoiceofUnreason]

If your sis has always been the favourite one, I can see how something like this is going to trigger such a reaction in your bro.

My grandparents are still with us (87 and 93). Two of their children (my mum and my uncle) live in the same small town. The third (my auntie) lives 300 miles away. My mum (and dad) are constantly going round, checking up on them, doing things for them round the house, getting shopping - anything they need. They are happy to do so. My uncle does very little and occasionally my mum pesters him to do something. My auntie does nothing, has been known to come down and visit in-laws and go back without visiting my grandparents. It has caused friction, because her attitude is always "well, X and & Y are there, I don't need to do anything".

There probably won't be anything to inherit. My mum won't complain if what is left is split three ways although I could understand if she did.

[Babyroobs]

I think your mum is being very unfair to be honest. If your sister has a partner who is working and presumably your siter will be entitled to disabled benefits , DLA etc then leaving her a third of the house should be more than enough for them to put a deposit down on a smalller house of their own wothout leaving you and your brother out. I can completely understand your brother's anger it seems very unfair. Like others have said there may be no inheritance if your mum has care needs later in life, the house proceeds can be used up in a short number of years . It's not worth fighting over.

[StanleyLambchop]

Can I ask where your dad is in all of this? You say they are divorced, and your Mum lives in the family home. Does he still own a share in it? Does he have property himself that he is planning to leave to his children? Perhaps you should talk to him about your mothers plans, if he still has an interest in the house.

IMO your DB INBU. I have a child with epilepsy, I fully expect her to lead a normal life and despite the siezures we encourage an attitude of just getting on with things- there are very few things that I would prevent her from doing because of her epilepsy. So I don't understand why your sister cannot get a job. I fully understand why she may not want to get a job, but that is a different matter.

BTW, if my child turned out to have such severe epilepsy that as an adult she could not work, I would make financial provision for her, but not at the expense of my other child. They will get the same. I think your Mum has mollycoddled your DSis to the extent that her epilepsy is an excuse to have everything handed to her on a plate, and that is not healthy, to be quite honest. As someone upthread said, if she is planning to have a family, she does not believe that her condition is so bad as to risk her life for a complicated pregnancy. Many women will epilepsy have a family with no problem, but equally many people with epilepsy work too. It seems your sis is playing up the severity of her condition when it suits her. I think your Mum has created this situation, she needs to take a good hard look at the way her family is heading. It could be a long and lonely old age for her otherwise.

[diddl]

Well, going back to the OP-I can understand your Mum not wanting to sell the house so that your brother can get himself out of debt.

But I do think she is taking on far too much by trying to give your sister the house she wants and a work free existence!

[sudaname]

Oh god ! Wills and Relatives eh!

Similiar situation in our family. My mum and dad (v.elderly and dad terminally ill now) originally left their house all to our eldest brother who never left home nor had a family of his own. They did it because otherwise he would have been homeless when they died/went into care whatever and also because he looked after them a lot more than us,very generously contributed to bills,maintenance of house, took them shopping, drove them everywhere etc etc.
i personally thought that was fair enough, we all had our own houses and lives and families etc. but my youngest sister was livid. Regularly went hysterical at our parents about it.
Here's the twist ! Our eldest Dbro very sadly predeceased our parents and asked me to look after mum and dad when he was very poorly and obviously not going to get better. l gave up work etc and have dedicated last five years to doing so. Upon my brothers death my parents amended their will and l replaced my late brother in it as the only beneficiary,with my three siblings only benefitting (equal split between them) if l predecease my parents.

My parents obviously have a policy of leaving to the eldest and in return for looking after them .

Dsis is hysterical once again. But interestingly enough does not lift a finger to help out with our parents. Doesnt want to know, only cares about the money. If she did - as my other sister and brother have whenever work/families allow, l would be giving her a cut of the house if/when l inherit it as l am going to do with them.

[whoisright]

my dad has a small share in the house that will go to my mum when he dies, he lives miles away now and we rarely see him. He recently got over cancer he is 76

He was meant to get his share when my sister left full time education but as she was by thyen diagnosed he didnt force the sale of the house also I was also living there with 2 of my dcs at the time (untill i argued with my sister and we got thrown out and locks were changed at her say so) THAT is why I cannot argue with anybody over this I just cannot be in this situation it makes me ill.

[TheCraicDealer]

Could your DB be slightly concerned about the money, but also pissed off at your DSis being favoured yet again? Although in your OP you paint your brother to be unreasonable, as you?ve posted more it seems like your DSis is actually pretty feckless, grabbing (?wants? to raise her children in the large house she was brought up in, etc.) and almost seems to be imagining that this could be happening within the next few years even though your Mum is only 60 and in good health.

Your DB is not being unreasonable here, it?s almost as if he?s pushing for some acknowledgement that he and his family are as important as DSis?. You sound like you?ve admitted defeat.

[whoisright]

I have admitted defeat. BUT I know my mum loves us all just in different ways, I am ok with that. Harder for DB though I think

[MrsBucketxx]

your sister sound like a nasty person.

she has already shown her true colours.