My friend's ds has autism, she would like my ds to spend more time with him.

[BatwingGirl]

I find this very unfair on ds (6) as he has made other friends at his school who want to come round and play. Both boys have pretty much grown up together, seeing eachother since they were babies. They go to different schools but as her ds has become older, it's become more challenging to have a decent playdate without tantrums every 2 minutes. I've tried to see my friend more while the boys are at school, but she tries very hard to time it for after school so that the boys can be together. I didn't want to say it to her and have said I'm busy after school, weekends I've stopped going out with her and the two boys as there will always be a scene in town. She ends up leaving him with me, walking off in a temper herself. It's very stressful.

For the last few weeks she has been coming round with some excuse (to see the kitten, to see the new rug, they made biscuits) and I can't exactly say no. She asks my ds to play with her ds (7) in his room. I don't like them being out of my sight as I know her ds can get very aggressive if he doesn't get his own way. My ds who does not know about his condition ends up very frustrated and scared. I'd like to keep my friend but not force my son to have to be his friend if he doesn't want to. I know if I say it to her she will really take offense. She feels like she has no one else and other mums from the school have dumped her since his diagnoses.
I just want an easier life. When Ds's other friends are round, they are like angels compared to my friend's ds.

[myBOYSareBONKERS]

My DS1 aged 9 years is autistic (mild-moderate) and he is bloody hard work!! especially at the moment (going through a bad patch with him )

I totally understand why people - adults and children - do not want him around and as much as it hurts, I don't blame them or think any less of them.

He has a couple of "friends" who we do have round and they seem to tolerate him more than others. Their parents equally include him in their own activities, of which I am SO grateful because as I said previously he is hard work.

However! I also have ensured that I and my husband have our own social lives away from our boys so that we don't become isolated. I have found a decent babysitter that worked at the boys pre-school and I have also joined the local disabled childrens babysitting network for more options if she isn't available.

We are also seeking out our own support - away from our friends with "normal" children as they really don't "get" it and will come out with useful tips like "he will learn not to do it" after my son was given a lunchtime detention from running and hiding when he was having a meltdown

Ultimately - if she is not coping and needs more than what you can give (and I feel you are giving enough) then she needs to take control and find her OWN support. It is not difficult - Google is her friend.

What area of the country are you?

[BatwingGirl]

I think what I find frustrating is that I am meant to act normal with my friend. Like it is a normal playdate. She is deeply sensitive about her ds and thinks that her ds is lovely and adorable and never mentions the negative aspects of autism. She gets called into school for pushing (while she's out with me) she then defends him and says it was the other boy. She doesn't actually talk about it. It's very hard to bring it up anymore. initially when he was diagnosed we talked about it, but since then it feels like she has to keep trying to tell me how good he is and how well he is doing at school. Although it's very apparent in the room together and seeing how challenging it is, she doesn't talk about the challenges. She would like him to be treated like any other 7 year old boy.

[FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat]

Well, shame on her, imagine wanting to have 'normal' playdates and have your child treated like any other

[pigletmania]

Exactly picture, op ds is afraid because he does not know, and not aware. Just sees a big kid who is Mabey aggressive, acts differently. yes the milk of human kindness is definitely flowing on this thread. A child with sn is a child first and foremost and is not seen as a problem like the op is seeing this child. Ok her ds for many reasons does not want to be around the boy, might change if he was mde aware that the boy has a disability and how it affects him, bu the way tat th op s talking about this boy is just so negative

[GooseyLoosey]

I feel for you. As other's have said, assuming that you do want to keep this friendship up and you feel able to do so, I would explain to your son about autisim.

A few years ago when my dcs were 5 and 6 they encountered a child at an after-school activity who was autistic. Initially there response was that this was not a nice boy and they wanted to keep away from him. They had been told he was autistic but had no idea what this meant. I explained to them in very simple terms that this child was not intending to annoy them and would not necessariily be able to work out that what he was doing was upsetting them. We talked about the world being a very confusing place to him as he might not understand why people acted the way they did.

Once they didn't feel threatened by him and understood, they were fine. Your son might feel better too if he has an idea that the behaviour is not bad behaviour and not aimed at him.

[BatwingGirl]

She also doesn't want to mention it to anyone. When she took him to ballet, she did not mention it incase people reacted to him differently. They then found it challenging where he wasn't listening and was disruptive. It's only when they called her in, at which point she mentions the autism. She wants him to have as nmormal life as possible, which I think just ends up very difficult for everyone around. I've advised her on this and that it might be easier for him, and others around him if they knew - but she has strong views that she wants people to just react to him like a normal boy and not separate him.

[myBOYSareBONKERS]

since then it feels like she has to keep trying to tell me how good he is and how well he is doing at school.

Thats because she is worried that you will dump her like the others

[FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat]

Hear hear, zzzz

[FangsGoForTheMaidensThroat]

He is a 'normal boy'.

Stepping away now, its DD's birthday party and some really nice kids are coming round

[BatwingGirl]

zzzzzzz...I'm not saying my child is a perfect specimen, far from it. But after years of clingy babies and separation anxiety and speech therapy etc I would like a break. If he wants to meet up with friends in the park to collect conkers then why not? His freinds arent perfect either. But if that's who he chooses to spend time with and he does not mention the name of tmy friends ds, why should I force him? It's not a social experiment. It's difficult for his mum to cope with him how is a 6 year old boy supposed to cope?

[pigletmania]

Yes zzzz totally agree its so sad, so much fr building equality and tolerance.

[Spatsky]

Batwing, I am glad you have now clarified that your friend does not want you talking to your son about the autism because I think this does put you in a more difficult and sympathetic position because I can see that it will be hard fr you to prepare your son for these playmates and help him adjust to your friends son if she doesn't allow you to explan her sons behaviour to your own son.

[wasuup3000]

OMG you are judging a 6 year old boy and alienating him!!

[BatwingGirl]

Thanks for the support from some people. wassup I think you don't understand at all.

[wasuup3000]

Why would she have to talk about autism? She could talk about how everyone is different and enjoys dfferent things!! FGS!

[monsterchild]

wasuup, OP's not alienating the boy. He's 7, and the boys MOTHER is doing this to him. The MOTHER is not seeking help other than one friend. The MOTHER is not allowing other people to understand and help her boy. The MOTHER is abandoning her child with someone when she has a strop. The MOTHER is not learning how to help her son. The MOTHER is in denial that her son has behaviors that can be changed but which need work.

Why are you so surprised that it is hard for the OP to watch her own son suffer?

[wasuup3000]

Oh I do Batwing, I do - I just don't agree with you and yes you are unreasonable.

[pigletmania]

But op it's your duty as a parent to make your child aware of different people in the world and disabilities. Ignorance is not a good thing. Ok he does not want to play with this boy fair do he should not have to if he does not want. After all as adults we pick and choose our friends based on common factors but you do need to educate your son. Mabey your friendship has run its course and this has been the defining factor. Mabey your friend needs friends who can fifer that type of support through thck and thin and your not the one anymore

[Spatsky]

She doesn't have to go into detail about autism but she can explain some of his behaviours.

You're all being quite contradictory. One minute your saying she should have extra tolerance and adjust her expectations because of the autism and now saying she should treat him exactly like any other child. If you ignore the autism and treat him exactly like a child without autism then the behaviours become unacceptable, surely? Perhaps I am missing something.

[wasuup3000]

The mother needs a friend and a chat just like any other parent does. Her boy needs a friend just like any other. The OP hasn't got the guts to dump her friend and her sons friend. The mum and the boy have no friends. Oh I totally understand!

[pigletmania]

Yes she does need more outside support and reall needs to help herself too

[MrsCampbellBlack]

I think it must be very hard if you can't mention the fact the little boy is autistic to your DS - becaues from your son's perspective I can see how he doesn't enjoy the playdates. But if he knew there was a reason for the other boy's behaviour then I'm sure he'd be more understanding.

Are you absolutely sure your friend would mind if you discussed this more with your DS? Also has she never mentioned why he flaps etc to you? If you had more knowledge/understanding from her about autism surely that would benefit both of you?

[BatwingGirl]

alienating who? TBH i don't think her ds is actively seeking out my ds or us. It is her trying to push the friendship. They go to different schools, My ds has made other friends. Why not? It would be nice to hear some positve things I could say to help her. I've seen some mention of more support for her so i will have to look back through the posts. Gotta go. Please stop being so judgmental some of you. I've been there for 7 years (and yes I have other friends who are older and closer and I have family around who need my help too) She had no one around and made some poor choices in friendships (including me? I hear some of you say!) No I mean the coccaine addict who she spent most of her time with before her ds was diagnosed and another woman who borrowed money from her who she later dumped. I have been consistently in her life, she is appreciating that now, but she needed more family support and a better social network. Goodbye. Please stop judging and saying I'm a bad friend, just because it's easy to write it here, because you don't know. I wrote on here to get som advice. I'm not looking for a way out. I'm looking for a strategy. Thanks a lot.

MN is a load of bollocks tbh.