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AIBU?

To stop my dad and his wife from seeing DD?

116 replies

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 15:33

Long story short, about a month ago there was a spectacular falling out, as a result my DH and I no longer speak to my dad and his wife.

Things were said, hurtful things were done and we haven't seen them since.

Now, my DSis has asked if she can take DD over to visit them in a few weeks.

I have said no, on the grounds that DH, DD and I come as a package, they cannot pick and choose who they wish to include in their family. I also think things would be said about my DH and I in earshot of DD, and I do not want her around people who may well bad mouth her parents.

So, am I being unreasonable by denying her a relationship with them?

To complicate things further, they have a DS and DD (3 years and 10 weeks old), I have said DSis is welcome to meet me at a soft play or other neutral ground with them so DD can still see them. (This may well seem hypocritical, BUT it was my Dad's wife basically calling me a liar over a big issue and my dad sided with her that caused the falling out).

I hope I have made sense, it is very complicated! I just dont see why they feel they should still see my DD, when I have been called a liar, troublemaker etc and DH slagged off to the moon and back.

OP posts:

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eurochick · 03/10/2011 17:10

I'd send the message back through older sis (as you suspect that she is wokring as their messenger) that you want a sincere apology before you will have anything to do with them. I would relent if your dad (or both of them) apologised.

It's not exactly the same but my mum fell out with her brother (my only uncle, and I have no aunts) when I was about 8 and didn't see him again until her father's funeral about 25 years later. I don't feel that I missed out on that relationship. He's ok but I wasn't deprived in any way by not knowing him. I also had a pretty distant relationship with one set of grandparents. They moved away when I was a toddler and we saw them a couple of times a year. I enjoyed seeing them when I did but didn't really miss them being a bigger part of my childhood. Kids just tend to accept things as they are and they were just the grandparents I saw rarely. I don't think I have been harmed by this in any way. And neither my uncle nor grandparents behaved in any way disgracefully. What your SM did was shocking, and it is appalling that your father backed her up.

MothInMyKecks · 03/10/2011 17:12

The SM and her brother make some pretty big assumptions don't they?
They 'assume' he has a place in your wedding because you're all one big 'family'? It's an awful pity that neither of them treated you as so.
I feel so sorry for you OP.

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 17:13

Missy A letter may be a good idea. Neither of us has had a chance to express to each other how we feel other than through DSis (not really fair on her).
Yes it would be out of character, I am not one for confrontation or unnecessary drama, and they know that. Or at least, I thought they did! I think it's all kind of running on SM's anger if I am honest, she feels outraged her brother is being called a lech and I think she has just rolled with it and took my dad along for the ride. I am just very disappointed my dad didn't stop her in her tracks and stick up for me.

OP posts:

planetpotty · 03/10/2011 17:17

Im so sorry this happened to you.

Why on earth go to a wedding you know you are not welcome at.

Its very early days so I would say just leave everything for a bit, dont commit to anything, things said whilst its all so raw for you could make things worse later on. DSis is trying to be helpfull but its a bit too soon I think, give everyone space to heal and maybe try and speak to your Dad before Christmas.

Again so sorry for you :(

DashingRedhead · 03/10/2011 17:17

YADNBU. Unless the bride is some kind of killer zombie, nobody but NOBODY is allowed to shout at a bride on her wedding day. And your dad should not have backed her up. Whatever the reason. And you are totally in the right after everything that happened with that fuckwit. Who turns up at a wedding uninvited? Get a grip. Totally disagree about letting your DSis take your DD to see them. Absolutely not. And I don't think you should bother with your Dad. Leave him to stew.

Put it this way - if SM had punched OP in the face and the dad stood by, would you think they should see the OP's DD? What's going to happen when OP's DD has the typical falling out with SM's child? It'd be a meltdown.

My FIL wasn't at our wedding - he treated DH absolutely appallingly, we suspect much input from evil SM. DH held out for an apology. Eventually got a sort of a one much later, but we keep him as far out of our lives as possible. Polite conversation and a very occasional visit. Interesting that my FIL only bothered once DD came along...

Inertia · 03/10/2011 17:19

What a horrible thing to happen on your wedding day. No wonder you don't want your daughter to have anything to do with them. YADNBU. I would also not want to run the risk of SM's vile-sounding brother around DD while visiting your Dad and SM.

diddl · 03/10/2011 17:21

YANBU.

Rather no GPs than having to see shit ones.

They think so little of you-why do they want/deserve to see your daughter?

Megatron · 03/10/2011 17:27

YANBU. I don't hold with the 'grandparents are entitled to a relationship at all costs' mantra. I never had a relationship with one of my grandparents as he was a nasty piece of shit who did some truly terrible things and should have been in prison. No way would my mother have let him near me and nor should she have. I do actually hope you find a way of sorting this out but sometimes it's just not possible.

OTheHugeWerewolef · 03/10/2011 17:28

Based on the information you've given, OP, I'd say YANBU. You have my heartfelt sympathy: my SM has been truly vile to me on occasions, and that feeling of sadness and betrayal you describe, that your dad just let it happen, is very familiar to me.

PsychoThreadKiller · 03/10/2011 17:34

OP, what an awful situation to be in, I am so sorry and sorry your wedding was marred by all this.

Nobody turns up to a wedding uninvited. Do you think your SM knew her bro wasn't invited and so thought she'd invite him and gamble on you not making a fuss? After all, if he wasn't invited, how did he know where/when to come? Surely she'd have had some inkling that he was not invited (eg, seeing seating plans etc)? The other thing that came to mind was whether your SM knows her brother has form for the sexual harassment you had to endure. I'd be amazed if you were an isolated case. Her reaction - the screaming - is just so over the top. It smacks of protesting too much, being found out? Any person who was genuinely, completely surprised by what you told her would surely have just wanted to keep things calm, told the brother to leave quietly and resolved to talk it through after the event? Her reaction is just....odd.

As for your DD. I wish I had some good advice for you. Perhaps keep your distance, as others have suggested, then try to speak to your dad alone when feelings are calmer. He has a young family with your SM, and unfortunately, just as you/your DH&DD come as a package, I imagine he feels the same way too about his new family.

QuickLookBusy · 03/10/2011 17:38

I'm sorry but I wouldn't let DD go at the moment. This row only happened a month ago.

If I were you I would ask to speak to your dad about the whole thing, before allowing my DD to go to their house.

I'm really sorry this happened ot you on oyur wedding day.

helenthemadex · 03/10/2011 18:03

YADNBU the reason that the brother wasnt invited to the wedding doesnt matter, when he was asked to leave he should have done not doing so shows very clearly what sort of person he is. for the sm to behave in this way on your wedding day is imo unforgiveable, and it must have been devestating for the op to not have her father present to do all the stuff a father does at a wedding.

Grandparents relationships with their grandchildren is not a right, it can and should be a very special relationship but I personally would feel no guilt at my children not seeing their grandparents in this situation. I would tell your sisters to stay out of it and that you do not want to discuss if with them any more, if it does get mentioned just put your hand up and say Im not discussing this with you, works every time for me.

I think the suggestion of a letter is a good one, take your time over it and leave it a day or so before you post it so you can add to it, there is no rush to send it.

Shakirasma · 03/10/2011 18:04

YADNBU I dont think you should allow them to build a relationship with your daughter whilst you dont have a relationship with them.

Other posters have commented on what an unpleasant position your DSis is in, as she lives with them and is stuck in the middle. Well that is exactly the position you would be putting your poor DD in.

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 20:02

Thank you all for your advice it has really helped having some unbiased views from people who have no emotional ties.

OP posts:

IntergalacticHussy · 03/10/2011 20:22

YANBU at all. i'm in a similar situation and echo your sentiments about coming as a package. Have been reading up a lot on assertiveness recently, including 'When I say no, I feel guilty' and one of the key rules is that you are the person who has the ultimate right to judge your own actions. Not them. Not anyone who thinks you're depriving your kids of these wonderful people who can't even bring themselves to be civil to you on AIBU.

IntergalacticHussy · 03/10/2011 20:24

Reading it back, my last point was confused. I mean that people on AIBU who might want to get you to feel you're depriving your kids of their grandparents don't have the right to be the ultimate judge of that; you do.

Nanny0gg · 03/10/2011 21:15

YANBU.
If your DF and stepmum treat you badly, why on earth would you let your children near them?
They're not nice people. Stay away until you get an apology.

legallyblond · 04/10/2011 13:54

YANBU.

It is not true that "family" is sacred and shouldn't be accountable, especially not when it comes to children.

If you feel that your dad and SM are a negaitive influence (regardless of the row and wedding saga etc), it is your responsibility as a parent to protect your daughter from that.

I am very, very biased about this though... DD (now 1), has no contact whatsoever with DH's father. DH sees him but he feels he is a toxic influence (his dad is very manipulative and, and this is they key isuue, obvioously, he was sexually inapproriate towards DH when DH was a child) but I and DD do not. Ever.

Our primary responsibility if our children. If it would not be good for her to see them, she shouldn't. Your dad's/S

legallyblond · 04/10/2011 13:55

Sorry - sooo many typos!

Stropzilla · 04/10/2011 14:20

YANBU at all. HOWEVER I will say that I have had arguments with my stepmother, and my Dad will always, always side with her regardless. Mostly because he has to live with her I think, but it's caused some major bad feeling on my part. I've just let it go. I know they slag me off behind my back, and I recently found reason to think they may have done so in front of my DD. As a result, I never really allow her to be alone with them and I DO want a relationship with my Dad, so as far as I'm concerned I'll be careful what I tell her (and to an extent him too), I'll be polite and let DD see them with me in tow and we just don't discuss anything volatile. It's unforgivable that she put this stain on your wedding day, and yes he should have backed you up but IME they don't go against their wife.

Can you allow them back into your lives, and just not discuss the situation? It's not ideal and I know I'd rather we sorted our row but it's just not going to happen and trying to force anything else will result in a family rift which I would rather avoid. I'm not one to try to get out of arguments, but sometimes you do have to pick your battles.

BettyCash · 04/10/2011 14:31

YADNBU. Toxic step family!

biddysmama · 04/10/2011 14:32

my mil ruined my wedding day and i will never forgive her but i'm still nice to her because the children love her and she loves them

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KeepInMind · 04/10/2011 14:39

So your sister can not take your DD over to see her grandparents but you want your sister to bring your 3 year old and 10 week old half siblings to meet you

KeepInMind · 04/10/2011 14:47

Sorry read more and actually I don't think you are unreasonable at all, keep your child away from them and stay away from them and theirs, they sound nasty as hell

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 14:57

Re. children having a right to know their grandparents - I have a friend whose mother never saw her father. I don't know the ins and outs of why not, but said friend didn't know her grandfather because of this. Anyway, when she was a teen, she told her mum she wanted to get in touch with her grandfather and her mum reluctantly agreed. Grandfather came waltzing back into their lives - and within a very short space of time, friend was seriously wishing she hadn't bothered. He was an alcoholic, verbally abusive and very unpleasant to her mum and not that nice to friend - in other words, no use as a grandparent at all. Such a shame for her but it made her realise that her mum had been protecting her from him all those years.

Blood relatives aren't always worth it.

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