To stop my dad and his wife from seeing DD?

[TheRealMrsHannigan]

Long story short, about a month ago there was a spectacular falling out, as a result my DH and I no longer speak to my dad and his wife.

Things were said, hurtful things were done and we haven't seen them since.

Now, my DSis has asked if she can take DD over to visit them in a few weeks.

I have said no, on the grounds that DH, DD and I come as a package, they cannot pick and choose who they wish to include in their family. I also think things would be said about my DH and I in earshot of DD, and I do not want her around people who may well bad mouth her parents.

So, am I being unreasonable by denying her a relationship with them?

To complicate things further, they have a DS and DD (3 years and 10 weeks old), I have said DSis is welcome to meet me at a soft play or other neutral ground with them so DD can still see them. (This may well seem hypocritical, BUT it was my Dad's wife basically calling me a liar over a big issue and my dad sided with her that caused the falling out).

I hope I have made sense, it is very complicated! I just dont see why they feel they should still see my DD, when I have been called a liar, troublemaker etc and DH slagged off to the moon and back.

[CombineArvester]

YABU. Your daughter has a right to a relationship with her grandparent. If necessary you could stipulate that it is supervised by your dsis in a neutral place e.g her house, your dad comes to soft play where your sis has taken DD, whatever.

She will ask about them one day. If she sees your siblings anyway, there will still be a big unmentionable black hole whether she sees your Dad or not. Don't do this to your daughter and your Dad, however much you and your stepmum hate each other. Yes you feel your Dad has let you down, yes he should prioritise you over his new woman, but in this scenario you are the adult now and unless a relationship with your Dad would in some way be detrimental to your daughter, then you need to keep contact up. Sorry.

And as everyone else has said - what was the issue? What made her scream in your face?

[Hullygully]

Ok. And thanks.

In these circs I would avoid them for a while, especially to let everything calm down. Have you told dsis what and why? Could she tell them?

I understand how crossed and pissed off you are, obv SM couldn't accept that info about her brother, but she may do as time passes.

If dsis can't/won't help, what about writing them a letter, calmly stating your position?

IME men tend to stick by the stupid SM because they are mental. You might have to accept that Dad is a disappointment, but it would be a shame to end everything for ever because of some arse man like her brother.

[TidyDancer]

I don't think this is a relationship that needs to be written off.

I think let it cool off for a while, but this doesn't sound like your DD needs to lose her GPs for this.

Sounds pretty much like one person's word against another's. Your dad, while he should've supported you, was stuck between a rock and a hard place. He has small children with your stepmother, I can understand him being upset if she was upset.

I think YANBU for not inviting or for kicking stepmother's brother out, but stepmother was NBU for defending him, he's her brother afterall.

I feel sorry for both you and your dad here tbh.

[Fluffycloudland77]

YANBU.

Why on earth would you make that up? The brother sounds like the kind of man you should not be left alone in a room with.

The main issue with family is that they are meant to be nicer to you than the rest of the world not worse.

[Itsjustafleshwound]

[MarginallyNarkyPuffin]

And your father just stood there and backed her up??? I'm so sorry that happened.

Why would this person even come to your wedding if he wasn't invited?

YANBU at all. I'm guessing this 'inappropriate' behaviour was along the lines of sexual harassment?

Your father's wife had no right to involve herself in this. He's an adult who was not invited. That he turned up unwanted, having allegedly been 'threatened' to stay away, says a lot for the veracity of what you told her. That your father backed her up and walked away from your wedding is unforgivable.

I wouldn't want a child of mine around her or her family.

[TidyDancer]

What did the brother say you were going to do if he came to the wedding?

[Thumbwitch]

What kind of idiot turns up to a wedding where he's not invited and then refuses to leave when asked to? How much brass neck does someone need to do that?

Sorry, I've given my "YANBU" already but I am to the core that someone would do that, and that your dad would then walk out of your wedding because of this arsehole! Your own dad! Crap, crap, crap behaviour. :(

[Crosshair]

Sounds like they ruined your big day. :(

[TheRealMrsHannigan]

Fluffy that was my exact point, and when she was shouting and swearing I did say 'why on earth would I lie, what does it achieve?'

I didnt get an answer, just more mouthing off.

I have spoken to my DSis many times, and have explained exactly why am hurt, I got no Father daughter dance, no speech by him, it was glaringly obvious on the day that something had gone on as he was conspicuous in his absence so i had that embarrassment to deal with too. I get teary even now just thinking about it all, I can never get that day back.

He has told her he was 'embarrassed' and thats why they didnt come.

I just take the point of view that wild horses couldnt keep me from any part of my DD's wedding, I cannot fathom how he walked away and didnt say a word, then has blanked me ever since.

An apology would go a long way, the problem is they seem to think they are owed one as well, and I refuse to apologise when I don't see what I have done. Even on the day DH said to them 'I am sorry for causing any upset', they cant expect more than that surely!

[Hullygully]

Sorry, I missed th ebit where they left. Horrid.

Could you see you dad on your own?

[jesuswhatnext]

YAVDNBU -i could never forgive that sort of behaviour from my father - he has made his choice, he choose his wife over you and your family, let him live with it!

[fedupofnamechanging]

Your father should have taken control of this and not allowed your SM to yell in your face on the morning of your wedding. I would find this impossible to forgive. He should also have put a stop to his wife's brother turning up at your wedding. As you father, he should have told the man to leave. Even if he had his doubts about what you have said regarding this man, he wasn't invited and your dad ought to have supported your request that he leave.

Being loyal to his wife, doesn't mean letting her abuse his daughter on her wedding day (or any time). For me, that is an utter fail as a parent. If you do speak to your SM again regarding this incident, ask her if she would believer her dd if she said this about a man or whether she would accuse her own dd of being a liar. Would she tolerate someone yelling in the face of her dd on her wedding day? What makes you less important?

I would cut them out in a heartbeat.Your dd doesn't need people in her life who treat her mother in this shabby way.

[TheRealMrsHannigan]

Marginally yes, along those lines e.g. rubbing my leg under the table when sat next to me at dinner (not just nudging me, full on trying to run his hand up my leg), ringing my room asking me to come in and rub cream on his burnt shoulders etc etc.

Tidy Apparently we threatened to kill him and his family , considering that family includes my Sm, it's a bit doubtful don't you think? 9We had always got on well before this).

[toddlerama]

YANBU. We (me, DH, and our 2 DDs) don't see his father and step-mother at all. There have been lots of chinese whispers through siblings etc about us 'keeping the grandchildren from them', but the fact is they have met them several times and behaved like their tool-ish selves. Our children gain nothing but confusion and hurt by knowing them, so they don't. They have small children as well and "can't understand how we can bear to miss out on them".

Luckily DHs mum is wonderful, so they children see her as daddy's parent and don't query further.

[Avenged]

YANBU, as much as I'd agree that a relationship with her GP's would be good, your DD may get all sorts told to her by your SM.

Could you make contact with your dad and tell him straight that you're not going to change your version of events because to change them to back up your SM's DB would be lying, pure and simple.

[CombineArvester]

I didn't mean your DD had a legal right to see her Grandparent, I meant a moral right btw. Obv in law they start with the position that contact with GPs would be in the best interests of the child and then go from there iirc.

Your Dad's been an idiot towards YOU. His behaviour means you have a bad memory of your wedding day but you should try to put that aside for your own sake, try to remember the good bits of the day such as marrying the man of your dreams . For your daughter's sake you should put that aside and let her have contact with him, if she later decides he's an idiot and she doesn't want to see him, that's up to her.

[TheRealMrsHannigan]

Hully and Avenged I cant even bring myself to ring my Dad, I am just so hurt that he did not stick up for me and believe me. He doesn't even like SM's DB and has said many times he is a 'tosser' etc etc. So it drives the knife deeper knowing he is willing to throw away his relationship with me, essentially over someone he only tolerates for her sake.

[metalelephant]

Your dad owes you an apology, you owe him nothing and neither does your DD. I can't believe anybody would think he deserves a relationship with his grandchild when he wouldn't stick up for his daughter, his lack of support for you is staggering!

And your stepmum is a solid piece of shit.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

OP, how was your relationship with your stepmother before this, OP? It was a month ago, she has a 10-week-old, could she be hormonal/having PND?

You have nothing to apologise for to them. They owe you full-on grovelling. And since you believe they would bad-mouth you and DH to/in front of your daughter, YANBU to stop her from seeing them.

[metalelephant]

CombineArvester, what about when the grand daughter needs her grandad's support over a potential incident with the step grandmother? Clearly this woman can do no wrong in her husband's eyes, so there's a good chance the little girl will also be hurt. He lost any moral right by allowing his wife to mistreat his daughter, and they can't be trusted imo.

[MarginallyNarkyPuffin]

That is vile.

So this creature turned up without an invite figuring you wouldn't make a fuss? Presumably because his sister couldn't understand why he wasn't invited (and he was hardly going to enlighten her) and so decided to encourage him to turn up anyway? And then lie about being threatened.

The screaming and swearing in your face and the complete absence of support from your father are totally out of line. I would not be happy about letting my child visit their home until it is sorted.

And what do you have to apologise for? Being assaulted by her brother? Not wanting him at your wedding? Being screamed at?

It sounds like she was embarrased and angry and took it out on you. Anyone with a functioning brain cell could see that someone who was genuinely threatened to stay away would not be rolling up to the wedding. And if he's behaved like this towards you and he's 32, I very much doubt that you're the first woman he has groped and harassed.

[TheRealMrsHannigan]

whereyouleftit before this we had got along fine enough, I have always known she was a bit two faced, it was a running joke between me and my sisters that she would slag us all off to each other (nothing major, just sniping) and we would call her on it occasioanlly too but never escalate to rows.

I doubt it's PND, she hadnt seemed 'off' at all, had plenty of help from one of my DSis who lives with them and her own mum with the baby etc. Not ruling it out of course but I haven't picked up on anything.

[metalelephant]

...besides, the father should have kicked his wife's brother out himself, so it's a double betrayal really.

[CombineArvester]

That's why I'm suggesting a neutral environment and another person present. I have nowhere suggested the stepmother has contact. The DD is 3 years old, there is nothing in the posts to suggest he has harmed her in any way or contact has been anything but positive previously. I have not suggested anywhere that he deserves to see his Grandaughter - this is all about the DD.