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AIBU?

To stop my dad and his wife from seeing DD?

116 replies

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 15:33

Long story short, about a month ago there was a spectacular falling out, as a result my DH and I no longer speak to my dad and his wife.

Things were said, hurtful things were done and we haven't seen them since.

Now, my DSis has asked if she can take DD over to visit them in a few weeks.

I have said no, on the grounds that DH, DD and I come as a package, they cannot pick and choose who they wish to include in their family. I also think things would be said about my DH and I in earshot of DD, and I do not want her around people who may well bad mouth her parents.

So, am I being unreasonable by denying her a relationship with them?

To complicate things further, they have a DS and DD (3 years and 10 weeks old), I have said DSis is welcome to meet me at a soft play or other neutral ground with them so DD can still see them. (This may well seem hypocritical, BUT it was my Dad's wife basically calling me a liar over a big issue and my dad sided with her that caused the falling out).

I hope I have made sense, it is very complicated! I just dont see why they feel they should still see my DD, when I have been called a liar, troublemaker etc and DH slagged off to the moon and back.

OP posts:

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Avenged · 03/10/2011 16:42

If my anyone yelled in my face like your SM did with you, I'd tell them very politely to fuck sod off out of my face and life and not to come back until they were willing to apologise for accusing me of lying. Then again, I take very little crap from anyone anyway.

Think of it this way OP, at least now, the more time you have away from your screaming banshee of a SM and a pathetic father who puts his DW over his DD, the more peace you have to get on with other lovely things in your life.

FrillyMilly · 03/10/2011 16:43

YANBU. Why should grandparents have a right to see your child if they cannot behave like decent people? If they were your friends you wouldn't enforce a relationship with you DD after a fall out. Sharing DNA does not mean you have to get on. I don't see my dad and neither does DD. He does not have a relationship with her unless first proving to me that he is a good person. As her parent I decide who is in my DDs life.

Eglu · 03/10/2011 16:45

I would say YANBU. I think the relationship with your Dad can be rectified, but I see no need for your DD to be around somebody who will not speak to her parents.

Hullygully · 03/10/2011 16:46

Does SM also deny to dsis and the the others that her brother behaved like this?

pixielicious · 03/10/2011 16:48

YANBU. Even if you had not had all this history with the SM's brother, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to not invite someone who is that distantly related to your wedding anyway! And if unwanted guests turn up, they should naturally be turned away: there is probably no room for them. I would have said YWNBU therefore EVEN if the brother had under all previous circs been a nice guy. And I agree with the people who are saying they have no right to insist on any kind of relationship with your child if that's the way they treat you. DO NOT apologise OP, you have no reason to!! Stand your ground!

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 16:48

Eglu That's kind of my stand point, I think it's a bit odd of them to profess how disgraceful we are, how I am such a shit stirring liar (because everyone wants a barney on their wedding day don't they? ) but yet think they should still see DD as if nothing has happened.

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WhereYouLeftIt · 03/10/2011 16:48

OP, I think you also have to tell your sister(s) to stop trying to guilt-trip you. That's not on.

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 16:50

Hully yes, she is standing by her brother, and I know it's caused tension with my DSis who lives there as she has said she believes me, now she just refuses to be brought into discussion on it as she doesnt want to row with her too.

OP posts:

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 03/10/2011 16:50

Is it the sister that lives with them who's trying to do this?

Hullygully · 03/10/2011 16:51

Ah dsis lives there. Tricky.

Well I'd stay away until they get over themselves and make amends.

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 16:52

Marginally No, it's elder DSis who is trying to facilitate them seeing DD (I strongly suspect it's at their request). My younger DSis lives with them, she and I no longer discuss it, and she refuses to be drawn on it by them either as she has, quite rightly, stated she is in an awful position.

OP posts:

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 03/10/2011 16:52

x posts

I would keep your DD away from them and their home. If your father can't think and act for himself then he gets treated as she does.

MarginallyNarkyPuffin · 03/10/2011 16:53

Agree that you need to tell your older sister to back off.

Hullygully · 03/10/2011 16:56

What does SM say to the older sis? And she to her?

WineOhWhy · 03/10/2011 16:58

Did your SM know before the day that her brother was not invited? Did she not question you about it at the time of invitations? I am a bit surprised the issue did not come up before the wedding day itself, although i guess you have given us a short version of events to make it easier to digest!

I would probably leave it a little while in deciding whether DD can see them and then reflect again. If you do ever agree to it, you do need to be very clear to your sister that if there is any bad mouthing of you or your DH in front of DD they must leave and that is an end to the meetings (and you will find out because I assume your DD is increasingly able to communicate). I would also make clear that she needs to say this expressly to your dad an

Maryz · 03/10/2011 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 16:59

Hully I have no idea, I told elder DSis to not talk to me about it as I was gettign too stressed with her keep going on and on at me about it.

If I know SM and elder DSis I would guess SM tried to engage her in some sniping and bitching and was most likely told to stop in her tracks.

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SnakeOnCrack · 03/10/2011 16:59

God you poor thing, that's truly dreadful. I'd say a one on one meeting (maybe a bit further down the line when you feel able to) with your Dad is in order to explain to him why you are so hurt and how let down you feel. He did a very, very shitty thing and you are perfectly within your rights to not want your daughter around people who think you are capable of what they are accusing you of really.

Hullygully · 03/10/2011 16:59

Yes, good point Mary. I was thinking that.

Hullygully · 03/10/2011 17:00

But but, doesn't elder sis believe you? And put your side forward strongly to them?

TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 17:01

WineOh No it was never brought up before hand, during the row, when I explained that there should be no row because he wasnt actually invited so shouldnt even be there she said it was 'assumed' he was invited because he is her brother and we are all family.

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TheRealMrsHannigan · 03/10/2011 17:06

Hully She said she believes me, but I think she is trying to be diplomatic and has suggested I am maybe not remembering things clearly. I ahve put her straight on this to which she replies that I should understand SM's anger as its her brother and that we would defend our DB in the same situation.

I just think she is trying to facilitate the building of bridges, but patronising me just makes it worse really.

OP posts:

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missymarmite · 03/10/2011 17:06

Have you tried contacting your dad on a one to one basis, with no interference from SM? Would you consider writing him a letter explaining your POV, explaining that even if your DP had threatened sm's db, you personally were too busy to be involved, and therefore didn't deserve having your special day spoilt? Would it be out of character for you to behave in the way they claim? Ask him what possible reason could you have for lying? Say that until you feel that he can see past his blind love for his wife, to the truth, that you cannot possibly allow contact.

It might not make him change his mind in the short term, but doubt will set in. One day he might be strong enough to confront his wife on your behalf.

Dotty342kids · 03/10/2011 17:07

OP, my heart goes out to you. My wedding day too was not quite ruined, but certainly wasn't what it should have been thanks to my dysfunctional dad. I won't go into it all but it was the latest in a long history of stress caused by him and was along the way to a full breakdown in relationships that happened about 4yrs ago.
As a result I wrote to him expressing how I felt (I'm useless in face to face conversations, I just crumble and cry!) and saying that he was welcome in our lives (I have a husband and my children were 4 and 2 at the time) as long as he could make some actual effort to be nice to them and positively involved in our lives. That's a summary, there's rather more to it than that but for the sake of all our sanities.............!

Anyway, I have never regretted doing it. He would not have been a positive influence on my children and would only have caused all of us stress each and every time we met up. My children have missed out on having a loving, caring and fun grandfather but he is not capable of being any of those things so in that respect they're not missing anything! They have other grandparents who love them unconditionally and I refuse to let his awfulness continue to affect us all by making me feel guilty.
Having said all of that, if he contacted me tomorrow and said he'd changed and that he could give me and the children the relationship we all deserve then I would not be so stubborn as to not give it a fair go. Just the once mind you!

I suppose what I'm trying to say is if you can, hand on heart, say that you've tried to work things out, that you feel life is easier, happier and less full of conflict without him and your stepmum then make that decision and don't feel guilty over it.
Hugs to you all.

MothInMyKecks · 03/10/2011 17:08

It must be awful for your DSis who lives with them.
Tell her or your other DS that's trying to guilt trip you into a reconciliation, then to leave things well alone.
Your Dad has behaved badly, but he is the only one that I'd be planning on trying to make amends with. He has to make the first move though, so if I were your Sis, I'd back off from you and pile it on with him. Even as an adult, your Dad should still protect you. He has failed, and miserably so.
Your SM and her knob of a brother can go and jump.
YANBU.

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