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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have expected an anniversary present?

45 replies

cathkidstonbag · 01/10/2011 23:00

facts ... We have been married for 17 years, DH has always brought nice gifts on our anniversary, things have not been good between us for years, since Xmas things have been dire although he states he is happy. I have told him I feel unappreciated and like he never makes an effort. So this year he buys me ... a card. I didn't want something expensive, a bunch of flowers would have been enough.

OP posts:

NotQuiteSoDesperate · 02/10/2011 20:17

Gosh, this sounds like my parents' marriage of 50 years ago! Not sure why you put up with this OP.

Almostfifty · 02/10/2011 20:28

I have been a SAHM for over twenty years.

We have a joint account. What's his is mine, and what's mine is his.

You are at home looking after your family so that means you can't work. It is not his money, he works for money for you all.

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2011 20:43

Time you had your own bank account with money you can spend as you choose.

That would be non-negotiable for me.

WoTmania · 02/10/2011 20:45

'if I wanted to get my haircut or buy a new dress or something I'd check it with him first' just out of curiosity, does he check before doing things like getting his haircut wiht you?

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 02/10/2011 20:45

The bank account really isn't the issue here. Agree totally but what I'm really upset about is the gift and what lack of signifies?

OP posts:

AuntiePickleBottom · 02/10/2011 21:20

yabu.

he went out and got a card for you, so did remember your anniversary. You don't need a present to mark the anniversary.

tbh i think it is more romantic when DP or DH buy a gift out of the blue.

my husband does this often, nothing big, but maybe a bar of my faforite choclate or bringing home a bottle of wine when i have had a stressful day...these things to me are more important than anniversay/birthday and christmas

2rebecca · 02/10/2011 23:20

We just do cards for anniversaries, we can never think what to get each other for birthdays etc anyway so extra presents just seems a hassle. We try and make it a bit romantic, but that very much depends on what else is going on that day, sometimes we'll nominate a nearby day as our anniversary and do the romantic stuff then.
If things have not been good between you for years then the present thing seems irrelevent. He could have bought you a necklace and still behaved with indifference to you. I would talk to him about the longer term problem.

Nanny0gg · 02/10/2011 23:23

The lack of the gift is the tip of the iceberg in the way that you are treated.

valiumredhead · 03/10/2011 08:01

The bank account IS the issue OP - it is an example of the way he has no respect for you and doesn't treat you as an equal partner.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/10/2011 09:48

I think you are right to be concerned. If he always buys a gift for your anniversary, but this year didn't bother, then I, too, would see this as a message being sent.

The finances are important. I am a sahm, but my dh's wage goes into our joint account which we both have equal access to. It is definitely our money because my husband wouldn't be able to have the career he has if I wasn't at home doing everything else.

I am loathe to bring this up, but do you think it is possible that he is having an affair? Sometimes people behave really badly towards their partner and deliberately cause conflict as a way of justifying to themselves what they are doing. They become emotionally distant from their partner, as they become emotionally closer to someone else.

You can only save a relationship if he wants to save it too. And if you do save it, then things need to be placed on a more equal footing. By not giving you free access to money, he is treating you as less than him in the relationship. That is fundamentally wrong.

redexpat · 03/10/2011 11:51

This is going to sound totally cheesy but I think there is something in it. During our premarriage sessions there was a fairly big emphasis put on love languages. People tend to express love in the same way they would like to receive it. However, the pair of you don't always match and you have to learn how to speak the other person's language. The 5 languages are:

Touch (lots of cuddles, sex)
Words (saying how much you love each other)
Time (just being together)
Presents
Actions (doing nice things for each other)

You and DH should each write down the happiest 10 moments from your relationship. Compare lists and see what the other person values. Most people use 2 of the 5.

The fact that you wanted a present and only got a card suggests that presents or actions is one of your languages (fav cereal, nice chocolate), but not one of his. OR it IS one of his and he hasn't got you a present for the reason that you don't want to think about but may have to face up to soon enough.

You say that you are going to couselling but he refuses. Would a course be more acceptable for him? Try your local church. Maybe the vicar has the marriage course dvds you could borrow? Or the library?

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 03/10/2011 12:51

I appreciate you said the bank account and financial aspect is not the issue, the gift is.

Regarding the gift. Does a bunch of flowers say I love you ... really? A card is good, present not essential in my book.

The money side .... WOW! Major issues on several levels, all of which have been highlighted. Controlling money is not on. So what if you dont work ... you would have to pay someone to look after the kids. He may be like this is an "old fashioned" sense, byt to me he sounds more domineering and on the verge of absusive.

Ask him to go to counselling with you as a present.

And happy anniversary?!

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 03/10/2011 14:41

Tbh I think I see a gift as important because I can't buy myself things very often. A few years ago my present was an iPhone. I needed a new mobile and he got me one of those. Way more than I would ever have spent on myself and it made me very happy. Maybe I'm just a materialistic cow then? I just feel like I don't know quite why I'm staying married and this kind of thing highlights it. Actually I do know why - there's 3 small reasons!!! Without them I would have gone years ago.
And truthfully- an affair? Him? No can't see it myself. He is very very anti-cheating and too lazy to try and make the effort to do that kind if thing. And a crap liar! No bottom line is he just can't be arsed anymore I think.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 03/10/2011 16:53

Tbh I think I see a gift as important because I can't buy myself things very often

EXACTLY!!! You should be able to buy yourself nice things within budget - and not his budget but your JOINT budget.

And you know what - don't be so sure about the affair thing ime it's the ones that bleat on about never doing it that you have to keep a CLOSE eye on.

valiumredhead · 03/10/2011 16:54

As someone else said upthread - does he check with you before having a haircut or buying new clothes?

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 03/10/2011 17:15

No he doesn't check. Its a year since I last got my hair cut because when I mention it to him he says it looks really nice as it is. I thought that might have been my present tbh as he did that last year. Presents and then took me to a really swish hair salon.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 03/10/2011 17:18

You need a proper chat about things x

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 03/10/2011 17:24

Oh I know. Believe me I've tried. Every few weeks since Christmas. It's pointless. He lives in some little bubble where it's all pixie dust and pink unicorns and happy times I think. Certainly isn't living the same life I am!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

cathkidstonbag · 03/10/2011 17:57

But thank you x

OP posts:

nickymills · 03/10/2011 18:25

I can understand why you felt upset about not receiving a present, my husband did exactly the same thing for my birthday on friday, but couldn't understand why i wasn't happy. Even a small box of chocolate would have been fine, because i feel its the thought that counts not the cost of the girft.

But, i would def trying to talk to him. You don't sound happy, and staying together for the children, isn't always good for them, they can pick up on their parents moods.

I really hope you can sort it out, 17 years is a long time xx

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