AIBU to want to bang other mums heads together!!

[cabbagesoup]

God I'm so annoyed I have that knotted feeling in my tummy right NOW!! what do you do when the class is invited to a party, bar YOUR child and one other..

Surely the rules are either the whole class / the boys / the girls or just 2 or 3 mates.

Not the whole class minus two!! I'm baffled.. But the best bit is I'm now getting the whispering "how are you getting there" "shall we share lifts" etc conversations that stop dead when I'm around!! I feel completly on guard at the moment like I don't know who's a "friend" anymore.. and totally baffled by why my DC isn't invited in the first place, he is mates with this kid and I get on well with the mum.

I did think maybe the invite was lost? but the whispering has confirmed this isn't the case.

Just feeling really hurt and upset and I know it's only a bleeding party but my DC is a bit miffed too.

Any one else been here?

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Agree Piglet. I just cannot understand this lack of consideration, esp. for a young child.

[worraliberty]

Whilst I can't understand the lack of consideration for the child...and whilst I can understand the OP being upset..

I really do think she needs to take a step back from this and put it behind her now. Using phrases like they Mums where 'whispering' and there was 'giggling' and 'chortling' going on...makes me think she needs to let this go for her own sake and that of her child's.

As for texting and asking for an apology from a Mother because she was 'whispering' and making travel arrangements to get her child to the party...well that's just a step too far imo.

[giveitago]

OP - I was on both sides of your position. My ds is at a school that's very gangy - the intake was staggered with my ds starting last and what that meant is that mum's had forged friendships between their kids so my ds was invisible. Plus I work so I wasn't part of the gang.

Ds was invited to almost nothing and so I decided to have a great big party for him. He did the lists and even though I didn't know who the kids from school were (and there were kids invited from outside school) I figured something wasn't quite right. He's invited about 13 boys from his class (and a couple of girls) - I was convinced that 13 was almost the entire boy quota in the class minus perhaps two or three. I was a bit worried so went and got a class list from the schools and then found out he'd invited all the boys except two. It was such a big party I TOLD ds that I'd invite the two boys left over. He had a bit of fit - but I'm glad I did it. They came - all had a good time because it was a huge party (never to be repeated). I did the right thing.

Still gangy - ds still marginalised as I'm not part of the in crowd of stay at home mums etc. But I'm still glad I did it as I'd never want a child to feel marginalised as my ds did.

[KRITIQ]

I'm finding this discussion SO depressing. Why have such elaborate whizz bang parties for children. Seem to be all about one upmanship (amongst the parents, if not the kids), and almost designed to give children, and parents the "right" to be nasty to some and show favour to others. Gah - sowing the seeds of screwed up people early.

[pigletmania]

worrability yes she should put this behind her and move on for her ds sake and not to dwell, but you can't help how you feel inside though, and hard to forget. No I would not contact any of the mothers that would not be good

[jubilee10]

Well when it comes to your ds's birthday you can now use the same venue as you don't need to invite the two birthday boys or your neighbours dd.

[pigletmania]

jubilee

[NHScutback]

just rise above it and stay out of the cliquey gangs of mothers. bright and breezy, smile say hello pick up and go.

[pigletmania]

I am glad its not cliquey at dd Primary school.

[JajasWjolef]

KRITIQ, not sure that it is a whizz bang party or one upmanship is it? Even it were just a silly hat and jelly affair at someone's house it is still very unfair to exclude just a couple of children.

[RosemaryandThyme]

If all the children are reasonably well behaved and they get along with each other then it is nice to invite as many as you can afford / the venue will take.
But if some are regularly badly behaved or just doesn't get along with the birthday child then best not to invite them.
OP it sounds like your thoughts are that your child is generally well bahaved and gets along with the birthday child so why be left out, I would agree with you and would be upset on my childs behalf too - some mums though don't realise what a little sod their child is when their not around, these ones I would not invite to wreck a party, even if my children did want them to come.
If you do approach the party parents be prepared for a response that you might not like.

[Miette]

I think it is mean to exclude just a couple of kids unless the couple of kids have bullied the birthday child. I don't think a birthday child should be expected to have his bullies at his party, but since your son isn't like that and you are sure he hasn't been unkind to the birthday child then YANBU

[thefirstMrsDeVere]

I dont understand the 'whole class' party thing at all. But if you are going to invite the whole class - invite the whole class.

Othewise just proper friends.

Personally I think its nuts to have a party full of 30 kids just because they are in the same class as your child. How on earth to you fit in any family and friends?

I think party ettiquiete (sp) has got a lot more complicated since my big ones were at school. My middle DC has SN and never got invited to parties till he moved to a special needs school. Two in the first term there

Its mean to leave children out unless they have been really horrible to your child. REALLY horrible.

But I dont have time for this every single child in the class has to come business. How on earth did it get to this point? Is it because we are scared if we dont invite everyone then our child will not get invited to loads of parties?

Good, I bloody hate birthday parties if I dont know the family.

BUT as I said - if you are inviting the majority it is very wrong to exclude a few children.

[Chandon]

I don't agree at all.

I think everyone can invite who they like.

I think some of the mums here need to grow up a bit.

I think excluding 1 child would be a bit odd/cruel.

But 12 out of 15? not a big deal.

[CeliaFate]

12 out of 15 were invited, 3 were excluded Chandon.

[lesley33]

I agree parents shouldn't allow the behaviour of some kids who show off to the 1 or 2 kids who they didn't invite. But I don't agree that you should always invite all the other kids.

At one of my DD birthday parties when she was very young she wanted to invite the whole class except one girl. I agreed to this. The girl left out was a bully, told lies about other girls to try and split up friendships, and was generally pretty nasty.

But her mum was the type who wouldn't believe anything bad about her DD. My DD would come home in tears about this girl's behaviour. So I totally understood why my DD didnt want to invite her.

If her mum had said anything to me i would have been truthful.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I don't think that's the case here though Lesley

It's precisely because most posters on here have grown up, become adults and learned basic manners along the way that we know it's rude to exclude 2 or 3 children from a party (for no good reason) Chandon. Sometimes children need a bit of guidance when it comes to party etiquette, and it's up to adults to guide them.

[bravamama]

it truly hurts when parents allow their kids to treat friends badly. what happened to: 'treat others how you wish to be treated'. they obviously dont know about karma. rise above it people like that are not worth you stressing.

[cabbagesoup]

wow thanks all - had a great time out this afternoon, with real friends, chilling with another glass of wine, tea in the oven, two happy healthy kids - and feeling much better. I do wonder if these things are sent to test us - But just not over my weekend :)

Will see what awaits me at the gates tomorrow another drama will be acting out me thinks - P.S I am a drop and go mum, busy running my own business so hence the surprise to fine myself at the centre of so much whispering.

Oh and BTW I'm in no way thinking my DS is perfect, I do know from mates how he is and he's one of the more quite boys so not a rough and ready type. I do understand also we can't be liked by everyone and I'm happy in my own skin but you know sometimes things like this just knock you for six.

and all the rationising in the world can stop you "Feeling" angry and upset.

[pigletmania]

Mabey its just better to just drop and go, and avoid all the school gate/playground shinannegans.

[TheProvincialLady]

I really think the best attitude to foster from a very young age is that you can't expect everyone to like you, you can't expect to be invited to everything, you can't always understand the choices others make and you can't let it get to you - in fact it probably isn't even about you. For adults and children. Life isn't fair. People aren't always nice.

WRT the neighbour loading up the party children in view of your house - if she is your neighbour then where else is she supposed to do that? I doubt it was intended to rub your boy's nose in it. I understand that he is disappointed but the best thing to do would be to go and have fun somewhere else and try not to give it another thought.

[TheProvincialLady]

Sorry, have just read your most recent post. I'm glad you have had a good day and everyone is happier now.

[warthog]

ah that's just plain crap cabbagesoup. yanbu at all. i'd feel terribly hurt.

[Summatontoast]

For those saying it is a lesson to be learnt for later life - If you worked in an office with 15 other adults, would it really be acceptable to invite all but 3 to a big party you were having? Even if the 3 left out were not your cup of tea, would the majority not think what the hell and invite them? I have in the past and as a result am great friends with someone who I initially did not warm to. Rising above it can work both ways...

[CeliaFate]

Excellent post Summatontoast! We often expect children to accept situations that we would never tolerate as adults. Spot on!