AIBU to want to bang other mums heads together!!

[cabbagesoup]

God I'm so annoyed I have that knotted feeling in my tummy right NOW!! what do you do when the class is invited to a party, bar YOUR child and one other..

Surely the rules are either the whole class / the boys / the girls or just 2 or 3 mates.

Not the whole class minus two!! I'm baffled.. But the best bit is I'm now getting the whispering "how are you getting there" "shall we share lifts" etc conversations that stop dead when I'm around!! I feel completly on guard at the moment like I don't know who's a "friend" anymore.. and totally baffled by why my DC isn't invited in the first place, he is mates with this kid and I get on well with the mum.

I did think maybe the invite was lost? but the whispering has confirmed this isn't the case.

Just feeling really hurt and upset and I know it's only a bleeding party but my DC is a bit miffed too.

Any one else been here?

[cabbagesoup]

Thanks -I'm so glad I posted just thought I was being a bit hormonal!! my DH is away lots and I work full time and do the whole 2 children thing, always busy, but make the effort to do teas, playdates and catch up, so I just feel like the effort I make is just waisted on being "friends" I make the effort to go to drinks, nights out etc even when it's tricky.

I actually sort of agree with you andrew I don't force my boys friendships, lt him get on with it but as an adult I would never exclude just 3 children, it's the adult booking a venue.

No worries I will never ask the mum I have too much pride, even though it's currently hurt?

Last year I took my DS and just 2 of his best friends out for the whole day.

year before whole class joint party

Year before nothing, just some family friends round for pizza

year before a all class party.

So have never done this to any of these other children.

[worraliberty]

I think you're being far too harsh on the other mums

Far from talking behind your back, they probably don't want to make you feel awkward by discussing travel arrangements to a party that your child hasn't been invited to.

You're upset now, but I'm sure when you look back on it you'll realise they were trying to be tactful and spare your feelings.

Better than discussing it loudly in front of you and rubbing your face in it.

[TheBride]

YANBU and DS will never ever be allowed to do this. Yes, he can choose his own friendships, but unless there's a very good reason he will not be allowed to exclude 1/2 kids from a whole class party.

If he definitely doesn't want 1/2 kids to come, then he can have a smaller do so it's not so obvious.

[AnnoyingOrange]

Maybe the children really wanted to do the activity that was limited to 12.

If they had been a class of 30, this wouldn't have been a problem as 18 children wouldn't have been invited.

[cabbagesoup]

I agree last year I just took my DS and 2 friends out for the whole day, it was lovely just his best mates. - The year before we did the whole class. They are the rules I guess!!

[Pissfarterleech]

Annoyingorange, doesn't matter if the kid really wants to do the activity.
Common decency and kindness trumps that every time.

[cabbagesoup]

I know what you mean about the other mums, but how did they know my boy wasn't invited?? There has been some discussion behind my back to gleen that info?

I would of prefered to find out openly with them talking about traveling etc.

I guess the other thing bugging me which is most def, Hormones is that fact that the new boy has been invited and has only been with the class 2 weeks and everyone is gossiping about how rough he is, the playground is alight with bitching about him being a pain in the bum!! Just seems so two faced.

Actually the whole playground is very two faced, I just listen and keep my mouth shut most o the time :-)

[AnnoyingOrange]

Actually I think it's fine to leave three children out of a specific space limited activity. It will all even out over time. Been there done that with primary and it really isn't that big a deal

[cabbagesoup]

annoyingorange - not a big deal really, but bloody annoying and spiteful to the children.

[troisgarcons]

Actually, if the venue only allows twelve, the mother is still a prize bitch.

Why - perhaps the child WANTs that sort of party? It is unfortunate but handling disappointment is a life skill best learned early. Going to a party isnt a divine right.

I agree with annoyingorange

You will find by Y2 they have all split out into their own little groups anyway and the whole party minefield won't be an issue any longer.

If it makes it any more bearable as to how childrens minds work my son, when he was 6 or 7 made a list for a football party. He oddly excluded his best friend. I asked why, had they fallen out? no, but the best friend hated football so it would be a wasted invitation in the eyes of a child! The best friend was invited BTW.

But as you say, this is a new child to the school and the mother may not have a grip on the dynamics of all the relationships in the playground.

[RedHelenB]

No one has the right to be invited to party so while I understand where you're coming from try not to let it get to you.

[Meglet]

yanbu.

DS is having a party this year and the whole of his reception class will be invited as they haven't found their 'friendship groups' yet. I couldn't bear to leave out a few kids as they're all new to school and each other.

[Whatmeworry]

Implies there are 2 other mums in your shoes may be good to find out who they are maybe ask one of the organizing mums " so you can organise something else" for a bit of squirmy satisfaction :o

[ll31]

tbh once he's not the only child not invited and as it seems due to venue size I'd have no issue at all with it. Particularly as your son doesn't seem bothered. My response would usually be well they can obv only invite a certain number so not everyones going. I dislike this whole you must invite whole class thing while I definitely agree I would never just omit one child.

I do think tho when kids are young its good to learn that you don't get invited all the time and you don't have a right to be at every party. I've experience of parents who ask why their child wasn't invited and think its absolutely rude.

[pigletmania]

That is awful . I would not ask the mum. The party parents should have picked a bigger venue that accommodated ALL the class, instead of leaving out a few of them. There is not much you can do, just put it behind you and have a lovely day with your ds instead

[mysteryfairy]

My DD has just started at a new school in Y5. Invitations for the first party of the academic year have just gone out with 15 out of a class of 20 invited. DD hasn't really had time to make a bad impression on anyone I don't think, but the delightful party giver apparently waved the stack of invitations in DD's face whilst making the point that she isn't invited and all the little group of friends she has established are

[ll31]

I think this "they should have got a bigger venue" is mad - why should they - maybe their child wanted that venue - maybe they can't afford another venue etc etc. Its a party - 1/5th of children weren't invited - dont' think thats unreasonable. Very nice for poster above who cant bear to leave out any of children in reception but not everyone can do that or indeed wants to.

[rogersmellyonthetelly]

I have the less than half ok, more than half, invite everyone rule too. We had an uncomfortable incident at school gates last week, as kids just started new school and there was a party going on, one of the mums said to me I'll see you Saturday at xs party, I looked blank she said hasnt ds had an invite? I said no, but we weren't expecting one as he hasn't been here long enough to really make friends. Lo and behold, xs mum approached me in the playground next day with an invite - they had been given out end of summer term as it would have been short notice otherwise. I thought that was really really sweet of her actually and really made us feel welcome at the new school.

[Whatmeworry]

Comes down to this - do they want to win friends or influence people or piss off some of the other parents. They have made their choice.

[AnnoyingOrange]

Perhaps they just want to have a kids party at their venue of choice

[tallulah]

I take it those of you saying it doesn't matter and why should they invite everyone have never been on the receiving end? My DS was the only one in the class not invited to his best friend's party in Y5. He and I were very upset.

[Floggingmolly]

Was it deliberate, Tallulah? That is just foul

[tallulah]

We assumed so molly, as he has ADHD :(

[AnnoyingOrange]

I think that is a different situation, Tallulah and yes I would be upset if that happened to my child

[huffythethreadslayer]

I must be a hard nosed bitch then, cos I ask the people my daughter wants to ask and no-one else. If that means 2 or 3 people are left out of the class, that's the way it is. I'm not going to force her to ask people she doesn't want to come. And I'm not going to ask people that she doesn't speak to and who I don't really know as a result of that.

I'm not so hard that I don't mention people who I think are on the fringes, but I don't force her to invite anyone. At her 8th party, she asked a girl who, at the time, everyone else was picking on, because she didn't want her to feel left out. That doesn't mean she'd invite the whole class though.

And I have been on the receiving end of it, and I know it's upsetting, but it's part of growing up for the kids and for us as parents. It's the first time we realise that not everyone loves our gorgeous, funloving, funny offspring.

When they are small and they're the one girl that doesn't get an invite to Leopardgirls party, you think, 'how could they do that to her when she thinks the whole class is her friend'. But it happens and it's a good learning point. And the parents were very tactful around me at the time and for that I was truly grateful, so YAB a little bit U about the other mums whispering. They're trying not to be horrid about it.

Now DD is 10, I've realised that the few people who didn't invite her when she was small are the same people that she really shares nothing in common with now she's older. It all works out in the end.