AIBU to want to bang other mums heads together!!

[cabbagesoup]

God I'm so annoyed I have that knotted feeling in my tummy right NOW!! what do you do when the class is invited to a party, bar YOUR child and one other..

Surely the rules are either the whole class / the boys / the girls or just 2 or 3 mates.

Not the whole class minus two!! I'm baffled.. But the best bit is I'm now getting the whispering "how are you getting there" "shall we share lifts" etc conversations that stop dead when I'm around!! I feel completly on guard at the moment like I don't know who's a "friend" anymore.. and totally baffled by why my DC isn't invited in the first place, he is mates with this kid and I get on well with the mum.

I did think maybe the invite was lost? but the whispering has confirmed this isn't the case.

Just feeling really hurt and upset and I know it's only a bleeding party but my DC is a bit miffed too.

Any one else been here?

[Miette]

I didn't invite a couple of girls in the class who has bullied my dd to her party. She didn't want them there. Funny that!

[pigletmania]

I agree slave I would not invite a child who was nasty and horrid to my dd, why should I!

[slavetofilofax]

Pinkpanettone, you did nothing wrong.

Leaving one child out is questionable, but you actually accomodated the feelings of a child who had been especially nasty to your child. I think that's very kind and considerate actually.

I would have no hesitation about leaving out a child who had been mean to my child. Party invites are a treat, and children who are nasty to the party host shouldn't be there.

[Conundrumish]

Funnily enough, I started off thinking like you Maisie and I used to get really upset when invites were handed out and my little DC1 wasn't invited sometimes. I thought it thoughtless of the parents for handing them out in class if they were not going to include everyone. I took it quite personally and it did DC1 no good at all. I think parental angst over stuff like this rubs off on them.

I have also realised now DC3 is at the same stage, that they find their own level at school. It doesn't really matter how many playdates you break your back doing, how many people you invite to a party, they will be friends with the people they want to be friends with.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

Excellent, so everyone was happy. I'm delighted for you all.

[Conundrumish]

Maisie - we have invited all the boys to his previous parties. This year he wanted something different and it involved being at home. So we could have less. Quite simple really.

I can assure you, knowing the other mother and her son, they would be mature enough to cope. Really. She is a busy professional woman. He is a happy well adjusted popular boy - he just doesn't happen to be in the same friendship group as my DC. I think you are projecting a bit.

I wasn't trying to teach them a lesson FFS. I doubt, knowing the happy and confident children that they are, that they are that they even noticed. My children have been left out of endless things ... it happens. One day they might not get into the school they want, the university they want, get the job promotion they want, the girl friend they want. They will need to have a positive reaction to that - to keep on trying and not throw in the towel. They do need to experience some disappointment as children, we can't protect them from everything and are doing them no favours if we do so.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

You can invite everyone to a party - if you have the resources. We have done in the past, and it's far better to do that (if you can) than to leave a couple of children out for no apparent reason.

Actually - FFS - I don't think it was a ridiculous reply. So - you invited all the boys bar 3. 2 were not invited to make it "fair" on the other boy you didn't want there. You didn't mention that your DS doesn't play with the other 2 in your OP - you can't expect people to second guess you. You then went on to apologise to one of the 2 mothers, so one knew why her son was left out and one doesn't. I wonder how they felt?

Of course we can't expected to be invited to everything, but it's not nice being left out and most parents know that these things can be very hurtful when you're little. Do you feel the boys learned a valuable lesson from being left out of the party?

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

I don't get it either. It's a party, your child wasn't invited. They'll get over it, or at least they will if you stop going on about it. If the party child was asked to choose the people s/he wanted to come and your child wasn't among them, hey ho. No big deal, really. I really can't see it's such a big deal. And if the rest of my office want to go off without me then they are perfectly entitled to do so. I couldn't give a toss either way.

And yes, DD has been left out of a party.

[pigletmania]

I would just invite those who dd likes and gets on with and believe me its not the whole class, not 30 of them, more like 5-6 plus some outside friends.

[pigletmania]

That is why I would never do whole class parties, noway, not going down that road

[Conundrumish]

As for calling the mother and confronting her ... Jeremy Kyle next.

[Conundrumish]

I don't get it either. TheSecondComing - as you say pissfart - it is a child's party, not the royal wedding. You can't invite everyone. If we had followed the 'invite half the class rule' we would have had about four or five people there, as often people can't make it [and of course you can't make up numbers from the other half because eeek, then you've gone into the other half].

One of my DC every year invites a child that never invites back despite inviting lots of others back. That's life ... I don't have a problem, the children don't, and everyone is happy. You guys are going to breed some very precious children.

[Conundrumish]

Maisiethemorningsidecat OH FFS - what a ridiculous reply. You can't invite everyone to a party. He doesn't even play with the three boys we didn't invite. He invited the boys he likes/who are nice to him and who he plays with. One is openly vile to him (teacher commented on it). Out of a class of 30, 19 did therefore not attend. We had it at home, we didn't have enough room for everyone and it cost a small fortune as it is.

This has made me quite cross actually. At the school my children go to, they have been left out of loads and loads of things. It just happens that way. Cliques naturally form. It's not nice, but it happens, it's life. It is up to the children's parents to explain that 'x, y and z have known each other since they are babies bla bla, I think that is why you were left out ... I am sure they didn't mean to be nasty'.

As for pissfarterleech what a horrible judgy response from you. What is this 'half the class' rule that you have invented? There is no way I would have left out several of his good friends, whose parties he has attended, to invite one child that bullied him in reception and two others he never plays with/parties he didn't go to. Bizarre response from you.

[Floggingmolly]

pinkpanettone. You got it so wrong there...

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

I don't think it was a mistake - 3 children were left out because the venue could only hold 12.

[rhondajean]

Sorry I havent read the full thread but I wanted to put my hand up and say one time I
MISSED
writing an invite and didnt invite one child.

I am pretty useless at parties and once gave out invites for a party in September that said it was being held in December. Ive never lived that down.

So it could just have been a mistake?

[Pissfarterleech]

pinkpanetoone that is one of the most spiteful, petty and downright nasty things to do .

You should be ashamed of yourself. You should have just had half the class or less.

Jesus, it's a bloody kids party not the fucking Royal wedding.

[Maisiethemorningsidecat]

What - you didn't invite another 2 children so that the 1 you left out intentionally didn't feel ostracised?

How did you decide which 2 to leave out and what did you say to their parents? Or did you leave 1 parent in the dark about your decision? Do you feel the children learned a valuable lesson as a result of this?

[Conundrumish]

I think these things are unfortunate and thoughtless, but people are often thoughtless and they happen. It is important to teach our children to deal with disappointment without being bad loosers.

You will never know the reason for not inviting the whole class. Recently we invited all the boys from my DC's class bar 3 (ie 11 invited). One boy is a real handful and I have had bad experiences with him before. He is spiteful and has been horrible to my son in the past. We obviously couldn't just not invite him, so I insisted that we didn't invite another two as well to make it a bit more fair. I still felt dreadful for the three we didn't invite (and even apologised to one of the mothers I know) but I wasn't prepared to have a whole party spoilt by the one boy. Obviously I couldn't explain that whole situation to the other parents.

[Proudnscary]

oops meant to strike out very minor

[Proudnscary]

You know what is not acceptable, keeping this chugging along so OP stays obsessed with a teeny, tiny, drop-in-the-ocean episode in ds's life.
She needs to just drop it and stop fucking thinking about it!
If I decided to have verbal fisticuffs with every mum who hadn't invited dc's to this or that or whose kids had 'sleighted' them in some way I'd be known as Nutty Mum to Avoid At All Costs in the playground forever more.
It's life.
And to all those going on about office parties - this is about parents guiding their kids through very minorsocial hurdles and not making a huge deal to avoid alienating them!

[lesley33]

Yes I think this is acceptable. TBH I would be shocked if everyone I work with would actually want to socialise with me.

[troisgarcons]

If you worked in an office with 15 other adults, would it really be acceptable to invite all but 3 to a big party you were having?


Totally - I'd only invite people I liked BUT having said that , I do not socialise with people I work with. I never mix business and pleasure - two different worlds I'm afraid. And it doesnt matter how much they beg me every year to to to the Christmas party I won't go. I have worked all over the world and it is not common practice to invite all your collegues to private parties.

[pigletmania]

I agree there is not much you can do about it, if you confront the party parents or your neighbour you will make yourself look needy, desperate, and sad. The best thing is to rise above it, walk round with your head held high near them, and cry into your wine at home when your ds is asleep. You have every right to feel how you feel btw and I would feel exactly the same in your position.