Probably, yes. But please read what happened and put yourself in my position. (Have namechanged as this is enough to out me, and I'm never sure if my SIL in on MN!) Sorry, it's a bloody essay. 
Just spent a week with PIL while DH was staying for a few nights at a work event nearby. I had both DSs with me - DS1 is 3, DS2 is 7 mo. We stay up with PIL a few times a year, and it's nice for them to be able to host their grandsons rather than slog down to us, a long, expensive drive for them. I never really enjoy my stays up there - it's very much on their territory and all the predictable mother/MIL stresses tend to come out. I also have problems with my FIL - he loves winding me up and I'm generally rubbish at resisting and letting it flow over me (to give an idea, his general stance is to channel the DM, though I don't think he reads it: favourite rants include Foreign Call Centres, Immigrant Labour, Unneccessary Laws Regarding Driving, and EU Interference. ). He always seems to target me with some of his ranting when I'm there (or indeed, when he's down here), but I'm entirely prepared to acknowledge that I'm now paranoid about him winding me up and probably far too defensive. Anyway.
All week long FIL had been chuntering away about 'stupid car-seat laws' because we obviously had to fit car seats into their 4x4 from our own car. He was moaning about how these silly laws meant that if you chose to have more than two children, you'd have to buy a more expensive car because you couldn't fit three childseats in the backs of most cars. I think I may have pointed out that the laws were there as a result of research and crash-testing, and that if you wanted three children then you'd factor that larger car into your choice. Anyway, it was obviously his Rant du Jour.
One day towards the end of the week, we set off for a day trip, me in the back of their 4x4, just about squeezed between the two seats and strapped in safely. On the way, the baby started screaming. He hates car travel and if he's not asleep, he's generally pissed off. 
I did my best to distract him and it worked for a while (he's not used to me in the back!) but eventually he was just inconsolable. He wasn't in pain, he had recently had a feed and was just pissed off. The crying got to my PIL, understandably.
My FIL started chuntering about how absurd it was, these 'new' laws regarding child restraints, because as any parent knew, sometimes babies just need to be picked up and consoled, and it was ridiculous that it was 'now illegal' for me to pick up DS2 and give him a cuddle. In a moving car. (we were by then on a motorway, doing probably 70 mph +)
I did try to let this flow over me and if I'd just said nothing and biten my tongue at that point, I think he'd have dried up. But I couldn't let that pass, because basically he was saying I should be picking up my baby in a fast-moving car, on a motorway. He kept on saying how these laws were made by people who didn't understand what they were legislating about, who didn't have the practical expertise or life experience to understand the issues. 
(He comes out with this number ALL the time.)
I pointed out, relatively calmly, that the laws were evidence-based and that people had studied at length exactly what happens to small children who are floating around, unrestrained, in the event of a car accident, and that personally, I was happy to comply sensibly and to cope with DS2 being unhappy for a while because he was strapped in. I then said that surely only an idiot would consider taking a small baby out of its restraints in a fast-moving car.
He exploded at me, basically. 'No, YOU'RE the idiot!' Apparently, I was being absurd because the risks were very small and I could comfort my child quickly if I picked him out of his seat. When I said that DH and I have occasionally pulled over if one of our boys is really upset or we're concerned about them, he said 'well, you can't do that on a motorway! It'd be much more dangerous to sit on a hard shoulder' - which is true, of course, it IS dangerous and I don't think we've ever done that. What I mean is that we sometimes pull into a service station or even come off the motorway at a junction to tend to the boys. He said this was a stupid thing to do (?) and that some motorways didn't even have services... He went on and on. I should have left it, and at one point, as we were both shouting by then 
(fucking stupid of both of us, we were in a car on the motorway, I know it was stupid and I was BU to continue arguing) I said 'Look, I'm not arguing this any more, it's pointless. I don't want to discuss this any more' but he rode straight over that. Some other things he came out with:
-HE had been driving for over 50 years and therefore knew what he was talking about, I had only been driving 4 years (correction, I've been driving for 5, but FFS, what has that to do with it??) so I didn't know what I was talking about.
-HE had brought up 2 children and therefore was in a position to say all this, and I in comparison, didn't know Jack. (I do have 2 children. I'm not sure why the fact that they're not yet fully grown really excludes me from having an opinion on car-seat safety.)
-When I said that he was the only person I had ever met who held this opinion, that it was OK to take a baby or small child out of their restraints in a fast car to comfort them, he said he didn't care and didn't believe me. I several times asked him to stop shouting at me and take it up with his son, who shared my views and thought that seat restraints were sort of important, but he said he didn't care about his son's views, he was talking to ME and I was the Idiot, etc.
I finally just said, without thinking about the implications -
'What you're saying to me, the way you feel about seat-belts and car-seats, makes me think that in fact, you're not a suitable person to look after my children'.
It did sort of bring him up short (for a few seconds) and then he offered to put me off at the next junction, since I was so keen on pulling off the motorway, and let me find my own way home. I suggested that if he do that, he also leave my two sons with me, because I wasn't happy with him driving them without me there. He back-tracked.
Ok, so now I've basically said I think he's unfit to be in charge of DSs in certain circumstances. I have no doubts that both PIL are devoted to their grandchildren and love them very much. They often have taken DS1 off in their car, either down here or staying up there, either to give me a break or to give DS1 a treat. Now I'm wondering exactly how careful they are with him in the car. Actually, I don't think they'd be as stupid as my FIL was arguing, but it's now opened up a whole area of doubt and I feel uncomfortable about them driving him around. I especially don't want my FIL driving the baby around, especially if MIL were sat in the back (she often does with DS1, so she can talk to him). Was I being unreasonable? Heat of the moment, and all that. I should point out that though this argument was three days ago now, I still feel shell-shocked and very upset, not just because of the implications, but because FIL was throwing these things up to try and undermine me - I haven't been a parent long enough, and haven't been driving long enough, to know what I'm talking about, apparently.
(Incidentally, at some point during this exchange, DS2 calmed down and started chewing my hairbrush happily. When he started up again while we were crawling about looking for a parking space, in desperation I managed to contort myself over him, still strapped in, and stuck a boob in his face. I'm not sure I'd have done this at 80 mph on the motorway, but I was still strapped in. Clearly not something I could do in our own car, since it won't accommodate my generous bum between the car seats.)
AIBU?
To have said this to FIL?
InsertFlameHere · 07/08/2011 08:43
... I was sort of hoping that this thread would disappear. I just wanted to vent and get some proportion, really.
ShoutyHamster, thanks for your response. I'd go with what you suggest, but for the sneaking suspicion I have, that in fact, despite all his bluster, I have thought and thought about it and now think FIL wouldn't actually do it. I don't think he would actually get the baby out (well, ask my MIL to do it, he'd be driving - she prefers not to drive) if it came to the crunch. I think that he was pushed over the brink by the stress of having DS2 crying in the back, into making one of his predictably daft pronouncements. If I'd just ignored the silly man, it probably would have vanished into the ether. As it was, I called him on it, and he was stung into an increasingly petty and indefensible position. I've seen it before. He was just getting more and more absurd - so I'd suggest that in that sort of situation, DH and I would pull over, and he'd counter that with 'Well you can't, on a motorway! Pulling onto the hard shoulder is 10 x more dangerous! So n'yeah!' and I'd point out that I meant, pull into the nearest services or whatever, so he countered that with 'Well, some motorways don't even have services! so what would you do then, eh?' (am paraphrasing) See what I mean? He was just digging himself deeper and deeper into an indefensible position.
And then I blew it all by saying something so bluntly that it can't be unsaid. 
DH and I decided that he'll call his mum in a couple of days, before her hip operation (they only ring on strict schedule, that family. Calls that aren't expected send them all of a pother. ) and then say 'InsertFlame wanted to say that she's sorry things got a bit out of hand in the car the other day, but that she was speaking that way because she was concerned about the safety of the boys and wanted FIL to know where she stood on safety.' I would imagine that his mum will bluster a bit, pretend she doesn't know what he's talking about, and then pass it onto FIL, who will snort. Assuming he's not already listening in on speakerphone. And then? Well, next time they're down here, I won't be surrendering up the baby to be driven by them if I'm not in their car, but I haven't done so far anyway - he's still small and breastfed, so basically he doesn't really leave my care. I don't think they'd take DS1 out of his restraints because DS1 doesn't tend to make a screaming fuss about being in the car, BUT I will make damn sure that he knows why he wears a seat belt, and that it's non-negotiable. He knows this already but a little repetition won't hurt. I wouldn't dream of stopping the PIL seeing their grandsons, but I might emphasise the H&S side of things next time they're down here, just to remind them.... Oh, and I'm not ever staying there without DH again. But I said that last time.
Incidentally, thanks for your kind words re. his general behaviour. I KNOW I shouldn't feed the troll. I KNOW I shouldn't rise to the bait (it's always been a weakness of mine). So really, my response to his baiting should always have been calm and maybe a little condescending, but not feeding his need for conflict with me, whyever the hell he has that need. BUT, nonwithstanding my weakness for rising to the bait, why does he even find it necessary to bait me or rant at me on things he knows will get me going? I'm always pointing this out to DH (usually in the car on the way home, as we almost inevitably have a sort of debrief - well ok, a moan on my part!). DH, for all his loveliness and sense, does not get it. He just doesn't think his dad is being all that bad, and tells me he's just being silly, that everyone else in the family ignores the silly old fart when he gets going and I must too. I've said, again and again, that it shouldn't be necessary to bait your DIL, regardless of whether she should be ignoring you or not.
Anyway, I really am hoping this thread will die down now, as I wanted to vent, but having decided with DH how we'll tackle this, I don't want to simmer over this any longer. 
Thanks for all the support and tips.
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