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AIBU?

Maternity nurses make me angry

87 replies

Jennytailia · 03/08/2011 06:56

Maybe its because im really tired from getting up at 5am with DD, or maybe its because im jealous.

I just feel like its cheating a bit to organise overnight help from the day your baby is born, to actually plan for and book a maternity nurse.

Surely you expect a certain amount of sleeplessness when you have a baby. And if you dont go through those tough times, how can you appreciate the good times and get to know your baby properly.

Sometimes it just feels like money can buy you anything.

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/08/2011 07:27

No we don't 'secretly agree with you'... Bit up your own arse today, aren't you?

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Catslikehats · 03/08/2011 07:29

I think you have a strange view of the role they take.

I haven't specifically had a maternity nurse, but I have had a live in nanny. She was employed 5/6 months before DC3 was born and her role was to help out wherever needed. She was not a "stranger" she became a loved and cherished part of our household, I believe she genuinely adores all my DC as they do her.

I don't think she'd have been up much during the night in the early days as I planned to BF as I do now with DC4 but she has certainl been up with the older ones.

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NoobyNoob · 03/08/2011 07:30

You need to be happy with your lot, what other people do is entirely up to them.

Your posts smack of bitterness, and it sounds like you need to go back to bed.

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Jennytailia · 03/08/2011 07:32

Haha noobynoob spot on!!

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EdithWeston · 03/08/2011 07:35

YABU - it's no different to importing a granny to help out, that is if you still have your mother. Or having a doula, or having extra hours from your cleaner for a while.

At least good, old-fashioned maternity nurses are available to all who can buy their services.

There are many goods/services available only to those who can afford them or choose to save up. I'm aghast at how much people will spend on pushchairs these days, but it's up to them to choose what matters and if they believe the perceived benefits are worth £500, then that's their business. Same goes for a week of a maternity nurse.

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fivegomadindorset · 03/08/2011 07:36

Absolutely don't secretly agree with you. How dare you make that assumption, trying to work running own business during the day and stopping a baby screaming for half the night and waking up paying guests does not make a happy family and if someone could have helped me with that then she/he would have been worth their waight in gold. Righ must go now to pick up the girl who is looking after my DCs this mornning while DH does the breakfasts and cleans rooms or should we not be allowed this help either.

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mrsrat · 03/08/2011 07:40

I had a maternity nurse for both children and it was the best money I ever spent. I breast fed but the 3am feed was a bottle so I slept through. I had c sections with both so she was amazing as did all the babies washing in fact everything to do with the babies she did. I have no family close by so it was a god send.

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Longtalljosie · 03/08/2011 07:44

Well, I'd like a maternity nurse should I ever have another baby, but until then would like a daily cleaner and a gardener. And a new car.

People with money do get easier lives. It's the way of the world.

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twilight3 · 03/08/2011 07:47

I used one. I couldn't get out of bed though for several weeks after birth and my husband was dead on his feet after the first couple of weeks as he had to work full time and then come home, look after baby, look after me, get up twenty times a night and make sure in the morning that I have on the bed everything I needed to look after the baby.

It was a NEED. The bank that loaned us the money for it benefited greatly. Had I been healthy and rich I wouldn't have thought about it twice, it would have been maternity nurse for me alll the way :-)

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Bubbaluv · 03/08/2011 08:06

My family were 12000 miles away when I had DS1 and DH had to go abroad for work 3 or 4 days per week, so I had a maternity nurse once or twice a week to give me a break. She really helped me with the bfing and I expressed the night feeds for her to feed.
She also washed and ironed clothes while I slept and gave me all sorts of helpful pointers for settling DS, bathing him without fear of dropping him, massaging him, gently exercising him to tire him out before bed etc etc etc. She was AMAZING!
The weeks when I didn't have her I was so tired I was a blubbering mess and coiudn't appreciate even the loveliest of moments. I think I'd have ended up depressed without her support.
I also think I bonded with DS better because I was no so strung out.

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OrangeHat · 03/08/2011 08:30

YABtotallyU and I do not believe that anyone is "secretly agreeing" with you.

The idea that women have to sacrifice themselves in order to reap the rewards is a pile of old shit. That the more they work and deprive themselves (usually of time and sleep) the more their family will appreciate them... nonsense. Sleep deprivation is crap, if people are able to pay to avoid it and want to do that then good for them.

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SmethwickBelle · 03/08/2011 08:35

Oooo I'd have loved one, but probably around 2 or 3 months not straight after birth. The few weeks I winged it with the adrenaline but around 8 weeks when the grind set in and the fatigue saturates every pore....

I agree that there are things learnt and special moments aplenty during those tough nights but by god someone to take the burden for a few hours would have been bliss.

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buttonmoon78 · 03/08/2011 08:48

I have had my mother to stay for at least 2 weeks (in one case 4) after the birth of each of my 4dcs.

Night feeds have never presented that much of an issue as I bf lying down so we all get some sleep. It's only when 2 went on to bottles early that I had problems as they can't fall asleep on the job then.

I do all the night stuff as dh drives a lot for work so I won't risk his safety by asking him to go without sleep.

I think YABU. If I had the money there's no end to what I would pay for rather than do myself. Why would sitting up at night (if that's what you have to do) be any different?

For some people, getting enough sleep would be just as vital as nursery.

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BagofHolly · 03/08/2011 09:00

I had a night nanny for my twins. They have severe reflux and screamed pretty much constantly. I'd had a major PPH and infected stitches post cs. I have a two year old as well, and his previously good sleep disappeared when we brought the twins home. My MIL had just died, my husband was demented with grief and our HV said she thought a night nanny was the answer and started looking for one for me!

Cheating? Yeah right. Up yer bum.

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hester · 03/08/2011 09:05

I agree with you on the jealousy. I would have loved to have had some help.

Disagree with you on the 'cheating' because it implies you only qualify as a mother through pain and suffering. Is a woman who has a lovely supportive dp 'cheating'? Is a woman who has her mum to stay 'cheating'?

I agree that it is sad to see parents immediately sub-contract the totality of their baby's care. I have known a couple of people who had hot and cold running nannies round the clock (literally: day nanny, night nanny, weekend nanny) just until they can pack the kids off to boarding school and I've thought wtf is that about. But how common is that, really? There's probably a few hundred parents in the whole country who do that, and they probably do that in all areas of their lives. Feel pity for them, really.

It's also likely that many maternity nurses aren't just taking care of the baby. They may be taking care of other stuff (other children, housework) so the mother can snuggle up with the baby.

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TandB · 03/08/2011 09:07

It makes you "angry"? You think it is "cheating"? Are you 12? If it is a competition that you can cheat at, where is the trophy? I want a trophy.

There are all sorts of reasons why people might use a maternity nurse - you are perfectly entitled to think that some of those reasons are better than others, but ultimately it is none of your business and judging anyone who uses one without any information whatsoever about their personal circumstances is just daft.

I know three people who have used a maternity nurse. One had twins and a husband in the army. One was obsessed with getting into a routine from day one and wanted someone to help her do that. The other just wanted some help and could afford to pay for it. I wouldn't have had a maternity nurse for reasons two and three but that is me. I'm not them and don't know the ins and outs of their lives and decision making process.

If you don't want one, don't have one. If you do want one and can't afford it, well that is a shame but someone else having one still doesn't make your life any harder.

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AmberLeaf · 03/08/2011 09:13

YANBU

I get your point, I know someone who is a nanny and sometimes does maternity jobs. for some people it is a need for varying reasons, for some its out of laziness/preciousness.

I wouldnt have wanted one, but I wouldnt have said no to having a daily cleaner for the first few months!

Would prefer [and enjoy] the baby stuff to be left to me and DP

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pozzled · 03/08/2011 09:20

YABU. The first three nights with DD1 she wouldn't sleep at all between about 11pm and 4am. DH and I were exhausted after a long labour and had no idea what to do with the baby, neither of us had any experience of newborns. Having a calm, experienced person on hand to help would have been amazing.

If I could afford it, I wouldn't employ one automatically but would certainly consider it if there were circumstances that would make the newborn period more difficult- poor health, vulnerable to PND, DH working away from home, multiple birth etc.

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msbuggywinkle · 03/08/2011 09:26

I'm fortunate, in that each of my babies has been born at the start of a school holiday, which means that my Mum is around. I prefer my help during the day, but my Mum has always done much of what a maternity Nanny would if you had a day time one. She holds the baby so I can sleep, plays with my older DC, tidies, washes, generally takes over the house and older children for a while so I can focus on recovery and getting breast feeding sorted.

Plenty of people don't have family support though, why should they miss out on what really the vast majority of women would have had in times gone by?

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snicker · 03/08/2011 09:30

I am a cheat

I imported my MIL after all my births and had the audacity to sleep while she looked after the baby.

My DH is a bigger cheat than me. He has never bothered to feed any of the babies during the night. Some bollocks about not producing enough milk and working nights. How dare he not be permanently exhausted.

I got through the tough times of one of my babies almost dying and having to go through years of invasive testing and millions of appointments miles away from home. That must mean I must appreciate the good times more than the parents of healthy children, or maybe that is patronising bollocks.

Is it reasonable that people who are orphaned before they have children really should just suck it up even when they can afford help?

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pozzled · 03/08/2011 09:31

Bubbaluv makes a good point here as well: "The weeks when I didn't have her I was so tired I was a blubbering mess and coiudn't appreciate even the loveliest of moments. I think I'd have ended up depressed without her support."

When my DD1 first smiled, it wasn't a lovely bonding moment. I felt like saying to her "What do you have to smile about when I feel like shit?" And when she first rolled over, my DH was all excited and telling me about it. I snapped back at him, and said something like "I couldn't care less." Not something I'm proud of, but I was so utterly exhausted that I was struggling to function. So yes, I think a maternity nurse would have helped me to bond rather than making it harder.

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TattyDevine · 03/08/2011 09:32

FFS YABU

Any kind of "throwing money at the problem" therefore must be cheating in your opinion.

Is it cheating to have a washing machine instead of boiling everything in a bucket and running it through a mangle? Or is that okay because you can afford it?

Ridiculous.

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Cattleprod · 03/08/2011 09:34

I think it would only be unreasonable if you employed somebody in the way a lot of Victorians did - ie. taking a young woman from the workhouse whose own baby had died, or forcing her to abandon it with others in the knowledge it was unlikely to survive, so she could wet nurse your own infant, working long relentless hours, living in poor conditions with little respect, while you go about doing things that Victorian ladies do.

Employing a professional maternity nurse for a few weeks or months to help in the 21st century is completely different. Remember not everybody has family nearby to help out.

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HeatherSmall · 03/08/2011 09:35

Money can buy you anything, is that a surprise really ?

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TadlowDogIncident · 03/08/2011 09:35

YABU. We didn't have a maternity nurse - we were lucky and DS wasn't actually that difficult as a newborn, and I'd had a very straightforward delivery so bounced back pretty fast - but we got a night nanny for 5 nights when DS was 9 months as I was working FT, up at night breastfeeding him and so tired I was hallucinating. Best money we ever spent, with the added bonus that it broke the pattern and he dropped the night feeds. I wish we'd done it sooner: I might have positive memories of the period between 4 and 9 months instead of having lost it all in a fog of exhaustion and misery. We have no family around to help so it's all down to me and DH, and if we didn't pay for help the only way either of us could ever get a break would be at the other's expense.