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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be really pissed off that dp has gone and done a pre-nup without telling me!

124 replies

miarosemum · 27/07/2011 01:29

have been with dp for 3 years, and has been step dad to my dd of 4. she has not seen her real dad since a baby, so dd know dp as daddy which is fab. dp has his own house outright, and has just spent a great deal of dosh having a loft extension done to accomodate us to all live together. really looking forward to this next period in our lives when he comes home today to tell me her has been to a solicitor today to get pre-nup done to protect his house in case our relationship fails...now that is all very well but he cannot understand why i am so upset that he done all this secretive and not discussed with me, i feel let down that we could'nt talk about it and yet here we are about to move into a lovely new refurbished house.

OP posts:
nothingnatural · 27/07/2011 02:06

Blimey, that's a bit much miarosemum.

For it to be legal, I presume you have to sign it. Are you about to get married? Are pre-nups even workable in the UK?

FWIW I would be livid.

peasandlove · 27/07/2011 02:24

I would be pissed off he'd done it without mentioning he was going to do that. I wouldnt be upset about why he'd done it though, as that makes sense to me.

moonferret · 27/07/2011 02:29

I don't blame him for one second (I'm male btw). Although not discussing it beforehand seems very odd to me. I also don't understand why it would be necessary if you aren't married, but I'm not a lawyer!

raffle · 27/07/2011 02:36

Would imagine any solicitor worth her salt would press for this. Is it poss he saw a solicitor / financial advisor, who recommended it?

FairPhyllis · 27/07/2011 02:54

Wow. I'd be really pissed off too at being expected to sign something out of the blue like that. I think it's really unfair and coercive to drop something like that on someone at the last minute - presumably the implication is that you can't move in with him unless you sign it?

Is it actually a pre-nup or is it some sort of cohabitation agreement? I wouldn't sign anything without consulting a solicitor yourself.

Morloth · 27/07/2011 03:32

YANBU to be pissed off.

However, you guys are not married and your DD is not biologically his.

How do the finance's in your family work? Do you contribute to rent/mortgage? Are you intending to get married?

Sounds complicated.

Mare11bp · 27/07/2011 04:52

Clearly he was advised to do this. I assume you are getting married soon?

I would suggest getting your own legal advice. He may get a pre-nup but as a married woman living in the property a pre-nup does not prevent you from having rights of your own.

I also personally think that a Court would take a dim view of a pre-nup done behind your back and without any discussion with you.

In the UK they are not always worth the paper they have been written on.

YANBU for being pissed off though. If that was me I would be questioning the relationship, not because of the pre-nup itself but the way he went about it.

proudfoot · 27/07/2011 04:57

If you haven't signed it then it's not valid so it is just a waste of paper atm OP. I would be Hmm as well about the secrecy. YANBU.

SleepySuzy · 27/07/2011 05:13

I agree. I would be pissed off too. Not that he's done it, but that he's done it without talking to you. A relationship should be open, and based on trust.

jubilee10 · 27/07/2011 06:41

Hmm If this is the start of the next phase of your lives I would be worried. You need to talk.

Georgimama · 27/07/2011 06:54

Are you getting married or is this a cohabitation agreement? For either to be enforceable you would have to sign it for a start, and it would be open to challenge by you in the event you did sign it and the relationship later broke down if you had signed it under durress and without the advice of your own solicitor.

He should have discussed this with you in advance, and you should then have gone to see a solicitor together and separately.

AnansiGirl · 27/07/2011 07:08

You definitely need to talk about what he didn't include you. What would your reaction have been if he had said
'I love you, but I'm worried about losing my house to you if we break up, so I want a legal agreement to protect my assets?'
Would you have said 'Fair enough' or would you have been furious?
Does he have prior experience of failed relationships that ended badly?

Whatmeworry · 27/07/2011 07:23

He is NBU to do this, but not telling you until it's done is mean. You clearly have to sign it for it to be valid, but he has probably been advised not to put himself in a position where you can take a share of his previous assets in the event of a relationship breakdown.

I think this is going to increase as the law has shifted to give more and more assets to the partner when relationships break down ( not just men )

tulipgrower · 27/07/2011 07:27

Hmm, I'd expect my partner to get a prenup drawn up if he had assets to protect. ("Expect the best, prepare for the worst") Just like the need to have insurance, a will, or stuff in place to take care of your children if you can't yourself. I'd be pleased if my partner just got on with it, rather than me having to nag him about it.

Mare11bp - I don't think everyone needs to be advised to get a prenup, for me it would just be a logical step. l have car insurance, but that doesn't mean I'm hoping for a crash.

Jubilee10 - a man who is responsible with his finances is a bad thing when going into a long term relationship???

It's only valid if you sign it, right? So, it's not like he is pulling a swifty behind your back. It has only been drawn up. He's just got on with one of the basics of moving in together/getting married.

Perhaps he also just assumed it was obvious that a prenup was required and didn't think any discussion was needed?

AnansiGirl · 27/07/2011 07:28

What would you have said, OP?
If the relationship breaks down, would you just leave? Even if your DD was settling into school? Or would you mount a legal defence to claim whatever you could?
Does your ex support his daughter financially, are you supporting both of you, or is your new DP providing everything, on top of the house?

Fayrazzled · 27/07/2011 07:36

The law regarding prenuptial agreements in the UK is not straightforward- generally they are not recognised in UK law, although a recent case (Radmacher) involving a high net worth heiress saw the Supreme Court taking one into account in a divorce settlement for the first time. The Law Commission is looking into the issue, so there may well be legislative change on the horizon.

You really need to be talking to each other more about this and your expectations about how the finances will work in your relationship, especially if you are planning marriage and children together. I would strongly advise you to get your own legal/ financial advice to protect yourself and your daughter.

rainbowtoenails · 27/07/2011 07:39

Need more info but this doesnt sound like an equal relationship.

AnansiGirl · 27/07/2011 07:42

' I would strongly advise you to get your own legal/ financial advice to protect yourself and your daughter.'

Exactly what he might be worrying about, and what you need to discuss.
Why should a new relationship of a few years means he might be risking his home?

mumblechum1 · 27/07/2011 07:46

Hi, I'm a family lawyer.

For a prenup to have a hope of being legally binding (there is case law but no legislation as yet),

it must be signed by both parties at least three weeks before the wedding,

both parties must have taken independent legal advice and

both parties must have exchanged full disclosure of their finances.

His solicitor will have told him all this.

Ephiny · 27/07/2011 07:52

I'm not against the idea of a pre-nup, but surely it should be something you actually talk about and get drawn up together? And I would think you'd have to agree to it and sign it too for it to be legally binding?

I'm a bit confused when he says "to protect his house in case our relationship fails..." - because I can't see how there's any need for that. If your relationship fails, his house is still his and you have no claim to it, so no need for any extra legal documents. Or do you intend to get married before you move in together?

I think either way you need to have an honest talk about all these things - attitudes to money, property, responsibilities, what position each of you would be in in the case of a breakup/divorce, or of something happening to either of you. It's not very nice to talk about, I know, but important and a good conversation to have before marriage or moving in together.

2rebecca · 27/07/2011 07:54

There has been talk about couples living together acquiring some marital rights by default.
If I was single and a man was moving in with me I'd want to check that if we split up he didn't get half of it. The fact that you have a daughter maybe worries him in that if you marry his house may be seen as the "marital home" and you as having more rights to it because of her.
I am concerned that he didn't dicuss this with you beforehand though in an "if you and your daughter are moving into my house then I'd like us all to sign something so I feel secure about getting my house back if things don't work".
That may have made you decide to stay in your own house.
I wouldn't be happy with such a financially unequal relationship, I like to pay my way. I would feel a bit like a lodger in your position, but if it is only him who is bringing the money into this relationship then I don't blame him for wanting to protect the house I presume he has spent alot of money on.

Esta3GG · 27/07/2011 08:05

I have no problem with pre-nups per se, but I would think twice about moving in with someone who sprung one on me out of nowhere.
Perhaps you need to rethink this relationship and defer living together for a while if he doesn't realise that couples generally talk to each other about things like this.

LornaGoon · 27/07/2011 08:07

In this 'pre-nup', does he make provision for your DD if the worst were to happen and you were to split up?

AnansiGirl · 27/07/2011 08:08

Why should he?
The child is the Op's and a man who hasn't seen her since she was a baby. Why should her new partner have to provide for her?

EttiKetti · 27/07/2011 08:09

YABU. its not a prenup, its protecting his financial property investment, I'd advise anyone male or female to do the same and I wish my brother had done this before his latest gf moved in....

YANBU that he did it without discussion tho...that's a bit off!