to be really pissed off that dp has gone and done a pre-nup without telling me!

[miarosemum]

have been with dp for 3 years, and has been step dad to my dd of 4. she has not seen her real dad since a baby, so dd know dp as daddy which is fab. dp has his own house outright, and has just spent a great deal of dosh having a loft extension done to accomodate us to all live together. really looking forward to this next period in our lives when he comes home today to tell me her has been to a solicitor today to get pre-nup done to protect his house in case our relationship fails...now that is all very well but he cannot understand why i am so upset that he done all this secretive and not discussed with me, i feel let down that we could'nt talk about it and yet here we are about to move into a lovely new refurbished house.

[EggyAllenPoe]

what the?

it is the way he is doing this that seems very.....one-sided.

[miarosemum]

I will definiteley get legal advice when I receive this letter, I do understand that he wants legal protection for his assets but it is just the way he has done it. it does make me feel a bit like a 'gold-digger' which i feel uncomfortable with, as I have always provided for myself and dd financially with no assistance at all.

[QuintessentialShadow]

I honestly would not move in with him if I were you, not until you have this sorted. I for sure would not have children with him in any near future.

May I ask, how old are you? Would you not want to consider getting a mortgage and buying your own place, rather than renting?

Will you pay rent to him?

Has he contributed to your household the year he has lived with you while building his house?

He is thinking of himself.

And you should think about yourself. You might be better off if you were to buy a flat and be mortgage free in the future, and you would have a home to pass on to your dd.

Moving into HIS house, and cook and clean, and not get on the property ladder yourself, is not doing yourself and your dd any favours. Even if you were to wed, your children BY HIM would stand to inherit the house, not your dd. And he might insist on wills to ensure you and your dd get nothing, whereas his own children get everything.

Just hypothesizing.

[Ephiny]

Yes do get legal advice, that's always sensible before signing a document like this, to make sure you understand exactly what it says and what it means, and what all the implications could be.

I really don't see the point of a pre-nup if you're not planning to get married though...unless this is his very weird way of proposing! What did he say when you questioned that?

[Ephiny]

"If you split up would it mean that he could demand that you and your DD leave immediately? "

I would think this would be the case anyway, 'pre-nup' or otherwise? If the house belongs to him only, and he's not married to the OP and her DD is not his child - surely they're effectively just long-term house guests, and he can demand they leave any time he wants to? Not saying he would do this (and of course the flip-side is that they get to live rent-free) but can't think of any reason he couldn't if he wanted to.

[2rebecca]

"you are due a letter through the post" what a bizarre way to talk to your girlfriend. I don't think I'd be that formal and opaque with my exhusband.

[JanMorrow]

It's a very strange way of going about things, where do you think he got the notion from? Odd.

[Xales]

I have no problem with a pre-nup. I think they are an extremely good idea to protect assets that both people have before a relationship. I do think they should be very carefully done to take into account changes in the relationship, children, etc as then it cannot be a simple case of this is mine that is yours.

However I would seriously rethink moving in with a man who hasn't sat down and discussed any of this with me. Are you not meant to be a partnership? If he cannot or will not discuss this with you what else will he cannot or will not discuss.

If I were you I would also want to know what would happen if/when you have children. They will be his and he will have to support them but not you or your daughter. How will your daughter be treated if you have others? Will she be an equal child or second class? Will it be your duty to provide for her (while on maternity and reduced income) while he and any others swan around rolling in it?

You may be out of work for fair chunks of time reducing your pension contributions, abilities for promotions and advancements and looking after your joint children with little impact or affect on his earning potential.

You need to sit down and work out how all of this is going to work before making the commitment of moving in with him.

Some of this may sound extreme but children can be treated differently and you obviously already have slightly different opinions of how things should be.

[edam]

Whatever your view of pre-nuptial agreements, the way he has gone about this is terribly underhand. This does not bode well.

He's got a flipping cheek - he's lived with you for a year in your property but suddenly panics when the boot will be on the other foot? Has he been contributing to your rent?

[Serenitysutton]

That's not a prenup. He thinks your dim enough to a) think it is and b) get his house from him which assuming you pAy no substansial part towards, unless circs change, you can't. He's either a drama queen or is being v ripped off by his lawyer and too dim to do his own research

[Whatmeworry]

If I were him I'd also do a pre-nup, but the way it is being done is appalling.

I don't know if its because he is playing a bait and switch game or was just too cowardly uncomfortable to talk about it face to face.

But I'd be much more distrustful now, so even if you do decide to sign and move in I think it would make sense to make sure you can still move out independently again, without loss.

[VirtualWitch]

It will not be enforceable.

What provision does it make for the contributions you will be making to the family home during the relationship/marriage?

I'd be tempted to tell him he can have his pre-nup but not this wife and marriage.

[Seabright]

I'm concerned about the advice he's been given, as others have said, this wouldn't be valid as a pre-nip, given the info you've told us.

It's more like a cohabitation agreement, but again, they're only valid if you both sign them, get independent legal advice etc.

Cohabits agreement have their place (I write them for my clients from time to time), but the clue is in the name - agreement.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I would not move in with him at this point and I most certainly would not consider having children with him. I think that if you are going to have a baby together, then both of you have to be equally committed. Seems to me you would be taking all the risk if you sign this agreement. You would lose income while on maternity leave and lose out on the chance to get on the property ladder. You'd be giving up an independent home in order to be a lodger in his house.

I also think that if a person gets involved with someone who has a baby and is happy for that baby to grow up calling them mum or dad, then they have to commit to being a proper parent. Being 'dad' is more than just a name - it's taking on that child as if it was biologically his. From the OP's pov, it means accepting that this man would have a right to an ongoing relationship with the child in the event of a split and from his pov, it means taking the same care of her financially.

If you two were to have a baby, then you ought to establish now that he would view the two children equally. If he won't, then you owe it to your dd not to put her in the position of being second best.

I understand that he wants to protect his assets and on the one hand that makes a lot of sense, but doing this without any discussion and sending you legal things through the post and telling you that you have to sign, is not right. I don't think he is as committed to the relationship as you are.

[madrush]

I imagine you are very hurt that he's even considered the possibility that you'd split up and try to take his house or part of it.

He knows that you'll be hurt and hasn't been able to deal with that.

Therefore, he's done the man thing of trying to deal with it unemotionally and has accidentally hurt you even more.

Personally I think there really is a need for the fact to be recognised that he brings more assets into the relationship than you do.

Accept this, take advice, sign a document you're both happy with. Discuss what circumstances might alter this position (having more children, period of time with one of you not working and the other supporting the whole family).

Leave it in a drawer knowing it gives him the security he needs, and forget about it.

Please don't let it affect your relationship. While it's a big deal, you weren't planning to take his house off him anyway so nothing has changed.

[madrush]

I meant to say that my way to do it would be for all income from now on to be shared. This recognises only that he had more when you made your commitment together. Now you're a family and everything is shared from here on in I think.

[ImperialBlether]

Ummm don't forget to mention in the pre-nup that he's stayed with you rent free for a year, will you?

In your situation I wouldn't dream of having children with him without being married. No way. How can you be committed enough to have a child but "happy as you are" as far as marriage is concerned?

In fact I wouldn't be living with him now without marrying him.

Also, I don't think you know him well enough. He's thrown this at you, out of the blue, without discussing it with you. It's not good enough to say you'll get a letter in the post!

You have a child to consider here - be very careful what you do.

[skybluepearl]

so what happens if you have lots of kids together and then split years down the line?

[lachesis]

I'd not sign anything, nor move in, nor have a child with this person. If you're fine as you are, then you're fine as you are. Don't go there.

I'd tell him point blank that I was taken aback by this, and need to put the ttc on hold.

[Orbinator]

No way should you sign it.
I have considered a pre-nup before but I discussed it at length with the man I was going to marry before hand. It does get to the point when you think, well, if I don't trust them should I really be doing this?

In my case it was no, I shouldn't have, so I didn't. But not even consulting you actually has me . Sounds like a tit to be honest.

[Orbinator]

Oh and it also sounds as if he has been put up/advised to do this by someone - he's been with you long enough to know what your reaction would be.

My money is on the MIL.

[Seabright]

A good co-habitation agreement should contain (at a minimum) the following:

1. Whether or not the agreement ceases on marriage (they usually do)
   
2. What happens if someone is ill
   
3. What happens if someone is unemployed
   
4. What happens if someone dies
   
5. What happens if someone ceases paid work to care for child/children
   
6. What happens if someone is declared bankrupt
   

Decision and discussions on these topics aren't easy (and nor should they be, quite possibly) as they are really serious topics affecting at least two people and maybe children/elderly relatives too. But, it's better and easier to have the discussions in advance, rather than sort out the mess that's left in a split with no agreement.

For you own protection, I would recommend a cohabitation agreement. For example, what if he (God forbid!) he died suddenly, with no will. The house goes to his parents. In their grief (because people do awful things when grieving) they and you fall out, and they evict you. A co-hab agreement could deal with this in advance, give you rights to stay in the house for a period (often 6-12 months). That's the sort of thing co-habs are really good for.

Please PM me if you want to.

[lady007pink]

Sorry, but I can see it from OP's DP's POV. God forbid, but if I was widowed or seperated from my DH I would not allow anybody to move into my house (which we own outright) without signing a pre-nup.