to be really pissed off that dp has gone and done a pre-nup without telling me!

[miarosemum]

have been with dp for 3 years, and has been step dad to my dd of 4. she has not seen her real dad since a baby, so dd know dp as daddy which is fab. dp has his own house outright, and has just spent a great deal of dosh having a loft extension done to accomodate us to all live together. really looking forward to this next period in our lives when he comes home today to tell me her has been to a solicitor today to get pre-nup done to protect his house in case our relationship fails...now that is all very well but he cannot understand why i am so upset that he done all this secretive and not discussed with me, i feel let down that we could'nt talk about it and yet here we are about to move into a lovely new refurbished house.

[LornaGoon]

But if she knows him as 'daddy' does he not think of her as 'daughter' although not biologically his. Or have I missed something?

[Whatmeworry]

Lorna I suspect part of the advice for getting a pre-nup was to prevent the OPs DD ( which isn't his) having any claims. This whole area is so unclear in the UK sadly, that you have to do all these things.

[catsareevil]

It sounds sensible for him to want to do this. Maybe he thought it was an obvious thing to do and didnt think you would be surprisd by it?

[EggyAllenPoe]

he should dfintely have discussd this.

[HPonEverything]

I don't blame him for doing it either (I'm female) but I would be very very angry that he'd done it without telling me so YANBU on that front

When I bought a house with my DP (now my DH) he put down a MUCH larger deposit and we both signed a 'declaration of trust' which was a bit like a pre-nup - it said that if we split up he'd get that amount back before anything else was split. This seems perfectly fair to me and is still in place even thought we're married now with a kid on the way. However we both discussed and agreed to it beforehand, and I find it shocking that your partner didn't.

[2rebecca]

If he has never lived with this girl then I would think it odd for him to think of her as his daughter. It isn't his fault that his girlfriend didn't have a child with a man who would be a proper father to her.
If it was a man and his daughter moving in with a woman would the woman be expected to financially provide for a girl who wasn't hers? I presume he is worried about what happens if the relationship fails after only a couple of years.
As he has no parental rights he would probably then not see this girl or her mother again. Is it right that he should have to financially provide for them?
I think it is up to the parents to provide for their children, other adults entering a child's life MAY provide for her but they shouldn't be obliged to.

[BelleDameSansMerci]

But a pre-nip is only applicable if there are actually nuptials... Unless there's a wedding planned, he's wasted his money anyway. Not that this excuses him doing this without discussing it first.

Co-habitees have little or no rights to the property of the partner regardless of popular mythology!

[BelleDameSansMerci]

Pre-nup... Bloody auto-correct.

[MovingAndScared]

I think that there is something to be said for it - I assume you are not planning on getting married - nor is your DP planning to adopt your DD formally - if you did split up it would make the process much easier and cheaper if there is something in place - but you need independant legal advice before signing and he should have dicussed it with you

[AnansiGirl]

Maybe he doesn't know that. Perhaps he's assuming thst if they split, he'd be responsible for the two of them, and that they'd have a claim.
It's not as if the majority of the population would be clear about their rights and what the judgement of a court would be.
Popular mythology is more vocal than the actual legalities of the situation.
He should have talked about his concerns, and the OP needs to be sure about her own position if the relationship ends. Especially if she has put in money to the home.

[SheCutOffTheirTails]

I wouldn't marry a man who asked me to sign a contract like that.

If you need to protect your "assets" from me, best that we don't have much contact.

Repulsive.

[spookshowangel]

sounds a bit iffy to me, are you planning to have children together in the future? maybe he doesnt have thinkings about your dd as you think he does.

its fine for him to protect his home providing that he is the only one going to be paying for it and caring for it over a long period of time. if you are going to have children with him and look after said children so he can work then you are entitled to some financial compensation if the relationship breaks down and some of that would probably come from the house.
if you are working and paying any money towards the mortgage you should be entitled to something if the relationship breaks down.
i would take his pre nup take it to a good solicitor and and get it revised to protect yourself then tell him you will sign it, putting something in it like if you have children or financial contribute to the house you are obviously entitled to either a settlement or a part of the profits from the sale of the house.

then maybe chat about how your dp sees his role in your dd life and what would happen if your were to break up etc and really see if this man is the man with everyones best interests at heart.

[PrincessJenga]

When DP moved into my flat I asked him to sign a tenancy agreement so that it was clear he was paying me 'rent' not contributing to the mortgage as I was advised that if we split he could claim part of the property (not sure how true that is now having read various threads on here that suggest otherwise)

When we sold my flat and bought a house together I made a much larger contribution to the deposit, but as he will be paying significantly more into our joint finances each month we decided not to have any formal agreement but to assume if the worst does happen that we get half each.

I think the difference here is that we discussed both of those decisions openly and sensibly and were both (I think!) happy with the outcome.

[EdithWeston]

I would definitely put the wedding plans on hold until you have worked this through.

Pre-nups are likely to be legally binding - providing (as pointed out above) they are carried out after full mutual disclosure of assets and are accepted (signed) by both parties before the wedding. And of course have envisaged the circumstances when you split (more children? SN? chronic illness? reverse of fortune so managing debt not assets?). And they can also be overtaken by post-nups.

Please remember that if you move in, unmarried, you do not gain any automatic legal rights to his property nor do you acquire them over time. Nor would you receive financial support for you and your DD (unless he adopts her) - though you would for any future children of his.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you're not married then he doesn't need to protect any assets agains a future claim. If you're planning to get married you need to both freely enter into any agreement, well in advance of the marriage and with independent legal advice if it is to be binding. (Think that's already been said elsewhere) So he's wasted his time as well as damaging your trust in him. Pretty idiotic all round.

I'd be asking who had been pushing his buttons on this one. When someone acts this hastily & selfishly over money, it's usually because someone has been whispering in their ear, winding them up.

[TheMagnificentBathykolpian]

Don't you have to sign a pre-nup in order for it to be binding? It's an agreement therefore it requires your agreement, surely?

[Wecanfixit]

I think you need to rethink things, sorry but is this the start of something new in your relationship, him going behind your back?.

You I think need to both sit down and thrash out the ins and outs of expectations from each other, in entering a new partnership alot is involved and particularly where a child is concerned. I dont disagree with the pre-nuptual idea in fact it may help both of you to be CLEAR about where you stand, but you should be agreeing on this together and hopefully make a happy arrangement for you all and then no-one feels distrustful of the other.

Hope this makes sense , as i would have been very pissed off if this happend to me , I speak of a single mum of 20 years , whos ex shut our bank account the day after i found out he was having an affair with his best friends wife, so i know the effects this can have and especially where a child is involved, please be careful to protect yourself and daughter , and good luck to you.

[LineRunner]

It is possible for a co-habitee to make a claim against a property. I know this from sad, personal experience, because I found an (ex)BF planning to do it against his former partner.

I dumped him that day, I hasten to add, because I assumed that he would one day try to do the same to me. (Another thread, one day, perhaps.)

He had been with the former partner, living in her home on and off for about 6 years. His claim for £50,000 - discussed with a solicitor behind her back and my back - was based on the fact that he had dome some DIY work on the house over the years; and that there was equity in the property.

Bloody scary. He actually got a settlement from her.

[LineRunner]

p.s. OP, you need to talk this through with your DP, and together with a solicitor if necessary. Guessing games are no good when you're trying to start a new life together.

Lack of trust and certainty around money and assets is just toxic.

And in your own mind, you need to be clear what you would do if the relationship failed while you were living together. Would you leave? Would you expect him to leave?

[LynetteScavo]

I wouldn't marry a man who wanted a pre-nup.

[welshbyrd]

Im on the fence about pre-nups on the whole

Either way, seeking legal advise without even discussing it with you, I would not be happy

[AnansiGirl]

Are they planning on getting married?
OP just mentions living together.

[fiorentina]

Whilst I understand you are upset and he could have mentioned it, if the shoe was on the other foot and I was your friend, I'd be recommending you got something similar to protect your assets. It isn't a pre-nup, he's protecting what he's worked hard for. It doesn't mean he doesn't trust you, or think your relationship is going to end.

I have had a similar agreement in the past, please don't let it ruin what sounds like a lovely relationship.

[AnansiGirl]

OP, are you paying half the bills?
Does he see you as someone able to support yourself and your dependent child without him? What do you think has made him doubt and want to segregate his possessions from yours if there is a split in the future?