What is wrong with me?

[FiremanSamsMum]

I need some harsh talking to - seriously!

I'm 34yo, mum of a 2yr, ok to look at - I wont stop traffic but I get by- 5'8, 10.5 stones, passable shape, well educated, well adjusted person and I just cant seem to find a man I want.

I date quite a bit because I'm on a dating site and I get quite a few emails. I just want a sane man who is educated, self assured, can hold his own and is not overwhelmed by me. Tall, goodlooking and fit will be a big plus too...:)

Yet, when I do meet these men on dates, they are either overwhelmed by me, or we are not at par socially. [When I say at par socially - I mean - is highly educated, cultured, a bit posh :), is not fazed by trappings of wealth etc]

Its doing my head in, honestly. I am also incredibly empathetic and I try to treat everyone as I would love to be treated so even if they are not what I want - I am nice and polite and go through with the dates. They want to see me again and I do not. Some fall for me and get hurt when I say they are not what I want. I'm not a bad person but I want to be with a man because I respect and fancy him and its mutual.

Why cant I find a good fit for me, man wise? I want a man who is comfortable with himself, can go to any upscale bar or restaurant and not feel out of place or inadequate. I also want him to be kind, honest, hardworking, respect everyone and a good person.

Is this too much to ask? Where are all the men gone?

A dating site is probably not the best of places to meet "him" but it seems the whole world and the brother are on dating sites so why havent I found someone?

It's almost as if I'm doomed to not meet a man within the social bracket I am in.

Please talk some sense into me!!!!

[QuietTiger]

Having read through this thread again, it seems that your OP was worded "unfortunately", hence the slightly nasty reactions (including mine to get your head out of your arse, so appologies).

I have been in your position, where internet dating was at the very least "interesting", so do feel your frustration. What I did, was throw the internet dating to the wind and join activity groups instead - the one I joined was SPICE, which is an organisation for older (mostly single, although speaking to SPICE members, they claim to have a good coupling-up rate, but that's not their prime motivation) where you do activities that interest you. From there, you get the feel of whether people are idiots or very nice and you are in a neutral setting where you can weed the wheat from the chaff. From there, you can progress to coffee/date etc, but in the meantime, you've met some nice people and made friends along the way.

I also had experiences I would never repeat again (that were a lot of fun), like camel trekking in the forest of Dean in the middle of January, Walking with wolves and some fabulous weekends away and it really gives you something to talk about in the office on Monday.

Just a thought.

[LineRunner]

OP, you say you are highly educated but your posts are littered with errors, and they are frequently rude and uncultured; and it seems bizarre to ask from the outset for forthright opinions and then to reject them in a most uncouth fashion.

I am not convinced as to your credentials. Some of your phrases seem laboured and artificial, as though you a trying too hard to sound throw-away-posh.

You did ask.

[worraliberty]

I think the funniest part of your posts OP is you're too dumb to realise why you're actually single.

[FiremanSamsMum]

Thank you QuietTiger. That sounds intriguing.

LineRunner....Errors? Rude? Uncultured? Uncouth? Are you in the same planet as all of us? You are very amusing....absurdly so. I dont need to convince anyone of anything - Least of all a creature like you:) I asked for frank insights - not insults to my person.

[FiremanSamsMum]

And Madam Worral, the dumbest of the dumb, gifts us with her precious insights.

[worraliberty]

And Madam Worral, the dumbest of the dumb, gifts us with her precious insights

And very happily married with a DH who adores me

Seriously, you seem to be so in love with yourself that there's no room for anyone else.

Get yourself a vibrator and start adopting cats

HTH

[LineRunner]

Yes, OP, errors. Your failure to spell and punctuate correctly.

[LineRunner]

Worra's not dumb. She simply does 'harsh talking to' on request.

[FiremanSamsMum]

Congrats....Dog and Master :)

[OriginalPoster]

Try adding 'needs to be in Debrett's or Burkes' , MENSA, ST rich list and Royal Society member' to your requirements online

That should narrow it down to the sort of person you are looking for.

[joric]

The most fun I had on a date was with a lovely lovely man, he helped with the painting at the house when we moved and asked me out for drinks, I said yes and he nearly passed out and are still friends - till today - but he is seperated from his wife - that is one situation I wouldnt get entangled with

Hmmm... I think that there is a bit of mischief going on here too....
But, if I take you at face value I would say that your main problem is over confidence and (seen often in nouveux riche) the ability to place yourself firmly above others in terms of class.
Also, your workman friend has been divorced and you find it unappealing. Many affluent single (as in never been married) may find the fact that you are a single mum unappealing equally.

[TattyDevine]

I have only skimmed some of the replies but I'm going to go against the grain here and say I can see where the OP is coming from.

It doesn't particularly strike me that she will only take a rich man, thinks she's all that etc etc, but that she wants a man who will hold his own at a more upscale dinner party or bar wtihout coming across all defensive and intimidated - I know the sort of reaction you mean OP, and its very offputting. Its sort of like an inferiority complex that can present itself as reverse snobbery and its very unattractive.

And its more that she can't meet the kind of man who can hold his own than that they don't want her, by the sounds of it.

You know what I think the problem is OP - men of the sort you want are either already married, or have their pick of women like you who don't have kids and are still in their mid to late twenties. Why? Because they often have a good income, come from a good background, are attractive, and therefore, are the most eligible bachelors.

Sad, but true.

[Happygomummy]

FiremanSamsMum I'm getting very annoyed on your part about some of these stupid responses.

Worraliberty seems spectacularly up her own arse - she seems to think she has some sort of greater rights to give out advice on MN than others and the idea that she comes on to dish out some "harsh talking to" is laughable.

you're probably in top 99th percentile for intelligence (which please note i do not link directly to qualifications/education/background) so there are probably a few of the bottom 1%'s on here trying to make themselves feel better.

it's really sad that as soon as any women becomes successful in her own right, it seems like so many other women want to bring her down. we really are own own worse enemy.

we should be celebrating strong confident women, folks, not trying to make them feel guilty for their own hard work and success.

and btw, the single mum thing i think is a red herring. any guy who is put off by this (and i guess it is only fair that some are) is clearly not right for you and i reckon there are many good guys out there who will see a strong single mum as a very attractive prospect.

i also agree with the advice about mingling with circle of friends, and their friends of friends. there has been some gems in here amidst all the cow dung!

[Chandon]

I think you can find men like that at:

• City bars (week day evenings)
  
• Hunting, polo and golf events (so get your horse or clubs out)
  
• on the commuter trains to and from Waterloo at 7-8 am in the morning
  

This is based on my DH and his mates' experiences as to where they gets chatted up by women (he'd fit your demographic other than that he's married already)

HTH

[joric]

You know what I think the problem is OP - men of the sort you want are either already married, or have their pick of women like you who don't have kids and are still in their mid to late twenties. Why? Because they often have a good income, come from a good background, are attractive, and therefore, are the most eligible bachelors.
Agree with this Tatty

[LineRunner]

you're probably in top 99th percentile for intelligence

Based on what?

[FiremanSamsMum]

HappyGoMummy

I am suitably chastised. (Ashamed in fact)

Its just sad that people cant seem to make a distinction between a person and the situation or scenario that I wanted to talk about.

I apologise to anyone I've upset. I'm signing off now. Thank you for the helpful comments and insights.

[echt]

Don't go, OP.

I wanted to post hours hours ago, but updates got in the way.

Amazing to see the hostile reactions you've got, so here goes.

YANBU. To be aware of differences of class and education is not to be snobbish, to look down on those who are different IS, but you haven't done this.

The vast majority of my chaps in the past were not of my class background: well-educated working-class. This was a product of my time, and things may be different now. However, without aiming for this, I feel it is no coincidence that my DH matches my background. I neither resent nor dismiss those who were different; I'm just aware of how comfortable I am with someone who shares so many experiences.

I wonder how many posters would be so quick to dismiss the "requirements" of a black/Muslim/Hindu OP.

Good luck.:)

[PennyWarrender]

I totally sympathise with you, OP.

I too have tried dating the lower orders but it ended in disaster.

I have promised myself that I shall only seek men who are worthy of me in the future, and I'd suggest you do the same.

Have you considered joining MENSA, and inquiring as to whether they have a dating section? Or perhaps the Young Conservatives?

[ILoveThinLizzy]

And I think you, linerunner, are being ridiculous and obtuse. You hounded her nonstop. Are you so paranoid and disillussioned with your life that you think the worst of everyone?

I hate it when MN gets like this. Negative, vicious and petty.

People come on here to talk through things in their lives and people like you shout troll, disbelieve everything they say, insult them. Why are you so small minded? Is your life so perfect and blameless?

It's because of things like this that I have stopped participating in discussions. It is so upsetting.

[NearlyHeadlessnickelbabe]

you know what, though?
I used to think that I couldn't be with a man who wasn't as clever as me.
I really thought that the man I would marry had to have a degree, becauseI migth nto be able t orelate to him.

yeah, right.
actually, my ex hada degree. was very clever.
used to think i was stupid. yes, he did.
he was a complete prat and a knobhead.

my DH doesn't havea degree - went to apprenticeship on finishing school.
He's an amazing person - clever in his own way (not intellectual at all, but very talented musician and very precise therefore very handy)
but he's also not a knobhead, he's kind, compassionate and just generally wonderful.

I know which I prefer.
stop looking for "perfection" and what you think you want, and start meeting real people.

[ILoveThinLizzy]

FWIW - I think she was / is entirely reasonable in her expectations.

A relationship is based on two people loving each other, trusting, respecting and having the back of their partners. Compatibility matters also. Of course, I will want my partner to fit in my world, who wouldnt?

No one has the right to insult other people because they have come on here to discuss their lives, least of all, us.

Please, can we all be circumspect in our we treat each other on this forum?!

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

OP... The thing is, we never see ourselves as others see us. We can't see ourselves through their eyes. It may well be that you consider yourself to be at a certain 'level' in the league but the men you would consider dating perhaps don't see you in their league, having some sort of 'list' in the same way that you do.

I have no idea what you're like as a person but your opening post really grates on me. I would think that if you talk that way to men or behave in the way that that post comes across, you will certainly be putting off your 'target' audience who will not view you the way you think you are.

I agree with the posters who advise you to cool it with your 'specification'. Life isn't that way and whilst it's good to have a general idea of the person you would like to be with, a 'blueprint' is going to leave you disappointed.

I wish you luck in your search and hope that aside from the insults, you can take on board any of the advice that fits you situation.

I'd really disagree with your pop at Worra by the way; she's pretty decent and doesn't go out of her way to hurt, even if you don't like what she says.

[ILoveThinLizzy]

Lyingwitchinthewardrobe - I love your name btw, I call my niece that and she finds it hilarious.

I learnt the hard way re posting language on MN after getting into too many fracas about how I came across when I posted. Not many of us have got the form of posting down to an art form unlike the more prolific posters we have on here. I find that the more you try to adapt how you speak / write, to what you think is acceptable and not offensive, the more stilted and unbelievable you become. It's a lost battle. I hardly post now, for my sanity and peace of mind.

I take what posters write at face value and offer insights, if I have any. If I dont, I shut up.

Worra and co did have a pop at her first and I suspect she lost it (as she pointed out). Are we saying that it's okay for posters to have a pop at the person asking questions or needing information while s/he stays meek and quiet and accept all that they dish out? It doesnt seem right, does it?

I agree with you that FMS should take on board the advice that fits her situation (she got some good ones btw) and disregard the insults. It's just envy and pettiness, if you ask me.