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AIBU?

What is wrong with me?

126 replies

FiremanSamsMum · 22/07/2011 19:44

I need some harsh talking to - seriously!

I'm 34yo, mum of a 2yr, ok to look at - I wont stop traffic but I get by- 5'8, 10.5 stones, passable shape, well educated, well adjusted person and I just cant seem to find a man I want.

I date quite a bit because I'm on a dating site and I get quite a few emails. I just want a sane man who is educated, self assured, can hold his own and is not overwhelmed by me. Tall, goodlooking and fit will be a big plus too...:)

Yet, when I do meet these men on dates, they are either overwhelmed by me, or we are not at par socially. [When I say at par socially - I mean - is highly educated, cultured, a bit posh :), is not fazed by trappings of wealth etc]

Its doing my head in, honestly. I am also incredibly empathetic and I try to treat everyone as I would love to be treated so even if they are not what I want - I am nice and polite and go through with the dates. They want to see me again and I do not. Some fall for me and get hurt when I say they are not what I want. I'm not a bad person but I want to be with a man because I respect and fancy him and its mutual.

Why cant I find a good fit for me, man wise? I want a man who is comfortable with himself, can go to any upscale bar or restaurant and not feel out of place or inadequate. I also want him to be kind, honest, hardworking, respect everyone and a good person.

Is this too much to ask? Where are all the men gone?

A dating site is probably not the best of places to meet "him" but it seems the whole world and the brother are on dating sites so why havent I found someone?

It's almost as if I'm doomed to not meet a man within the social bracket I am in.

Please talk some sense into me!!!!

OP posts:

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BertieBasset · 22/07/2011 20:49

I've always thought that quite often children are a good filter when it comes to sussing out the men you wouldn't want to date when you got to know them. Selfish, self centred, immature, er did I mention selfish?

And I say that as someone who had no kids when I met my now DH.

Back to the OP. I think there is a dating site specifically for attractive wealthy people. Maybe you are looking in the wrong place

Andrewofgg · 22/07/2011 20:56

Do. So do I. And others who would not. And by Live with it I mean, as I think you know, accept it as a fact.

Howling - Who are you, who am I, to tell others with whom they should or should not be willing to form a relationship? A man who has enough self-knowledge to see that he is not cut out to be stepfather is not immature - quite the opposite. I agree that men with children of their own may be different.

MN is as you say full of lovely SPs both male and female; and of lovely non-SPs, and of lovely non-parents.

But we are self-selected to be lovely people; that is not meant flippantly, the fact that we are interested in and willing to engage in such discussions as these - as well as the more light-hearted ones - selects us.

Onemorning · 22/07/2011 21:02

'I am incredibly empathetic'

[sceptical]

HowlingBitch · 22/07/2011 21:04

Who are you, who am I, to tell others with whom they should or should not be willing to form a relationship? A man who has enough self-knowledge to see that he is not cut out to be stepfather is not immature - quite the opposite.

I would never tell others anything of the sort unless they asked my opinion. I just believe that you are wrong in the assumption that this applies to the majority of men. It is in fact the opposite IMO.

HowlingBitch · 22/07/2011 21:06

Oh dear Frank :o I think we are hijacking a thread!

May I suggest this site OP. I think the necklace is a free gift if you sign up!

DoMeDon · 22/07/2011 21:06

But I don't accept as fact that 'not many men' will accept a woman's DC. I think a small percentage wouldn't and saying they won't admit it sounds like projection to me.

We will just have to disagree - i can live with that

purplepidjin · 22/07/2011 21:08

I had an email from a lovely-sounding Nigerian dude the other day OP, he'd just inherited an absolute fortune. Would you like me to forward it?

LemonDifficult · 22/07/2011 21:09

Does this thread smell of wind-up? Where's the OP?

OP, come back, if you're for real, please don't be offended by my querying your poshness

TanyaBranning · 22/07/2011 21:15

You have very right to have high standards and to want a really great man in your life, but why are you so fixated on social class and whether he will fit in at posh restaurants? These things just seems utterly shallow and meaningless.

TanyaBranning · 22/07/2011 21:15

every right

Andrewofgg · 22/07/2011 22:08

DoMeDon - we disagree in good faith and if you can live with it so can I. :)

As for projection: the question has never arisen in my own life so I can only go by what I have seen of others' lives.

LineRunner · 22/07/2011 22:17

The OP has buggered off. Sounded a bit thick to me, tbh.

CurrySpice · 22/07/2011 23:07

YOu sould like a laugh-a-minute date OP

squeakytoy · 22/07/2011 23:16

Maybe you should check if Debretts does a dating site... obviously an account at Coutts would be a primary requisite

FiremanSamsMum · 22/07/2011 23:37

Thank you for your comments.

I'm not a troll. I did not bugger off. I went for drinks with some friends and I just got back home.

I am 34, not 14 and I think I am old enough and self-aware to know what I want in a man and in a relationship.

I do not have to dumb myself down to snag a man.

I know what works for me, what makes me comfortable with a man, with a relationship and it would be incredibly silly of me to be with a man with whom I am not compatible with in all ramifications, be it, emotionally, physically, intellectually,spiritually, sexually and yes - socially.

I can be perfectly happy with anyone, regardless of his circumstances. Is it so bad to want a honest, hardworking, sincere, self-confident man? Surely, that's not asking for too much?

I'm not up my arse about class. "This" is where I live, work, where my "life" is, and it would be nice to find someone who fits in and has no hang ups about "it". It is what it is and I'd be fooling myself to think otherwise. More importantly, I dont have any apologies for what I know I am comfortable with.

I used the "upscale" scenario to illustrate a point - the bar we went to was that and my date felt out of place. I am quite happy hanging out anywhere and I do not lose myself wherever I am - is it so bad to expect same from my partner?

I dont even have any problems with men who "try their luck with a posh totty" - so long as he's confident and can hold his own. What irritates me is when they get all tongue tied and overwhelmed.

I dont expect you all to understand - but I did get some helpful comments so I am happy with that.

Thank you all the same.

OP posts:

kayah · 22/07/2011 23:42

You just have to keep trying.

I can tell you - having older kids than yours scares guys off.

I hope you are mentioning your sone early enough not to waste your time with those who wouldn't have dated you for that reason.

MumblingRagDoll · 22/07/2011 23:50

I dont even have any problems with men who "try their luck with a posh totty

when you come out with lines like that you sound really full of yourself and superior...be honest OP....are you maybe coming over as shallow? Not all men want to shag a posh girl.

FiremanSamsMum · 22/07/2011 23:52

I re-read the thread and some things jumped out.

Someone mentioned money.....No I dont need a rich man. I am comfortable and would expect to pull my weight in a relationship. Its all about sharing and making a commitment to care for each other, isnt it?

Its pretenders and men who big themselves up and are all hot air when it comes down to the basics that is a huge turn off.

I suppose asking for insights on a public forum is almost as dumb as expecting to find a "soul mate" or partner online.

OP posts:

FiremanSamsMum · 22/07/2011 23:54

MumblingRagDoll - I dont see myself like that. One of my dates actually said that to my face........what am I to make of it?

OP posts:

cory · 23/07/2011 00:00

You wish to be compatible "in all ramifications"- are you sure the human species is where you should be looking? Something along dryad lines might suit you better.

Happygomummy · 23/07/2011 00:06

Hi

I think you are getting a really hard time. i don't think you are "up your own arse" or a snob.

i think the problem is that professional women with a decent educational background will always find it hard to meet the right guy. a lot of guys are scared by your success (and judging by a lot of the comments, a lot of women are jealous of it)

I think i know what you mean - i was in a similar position a few years back (to my great surprise, all turned out well if that is any help?) if i understand you correctly, it's not about a man who's great on paper (fab salary, great connections, top schools etc), it's just about meeting a guy who you can have a funny/serious/nonsensical etc etc discussion with, in interesting places and for him not to be phased by the fact that you don't have a room temperature IQ

i think you just have to play the % game sadly - kissing lots of frogs etc. don't let the shitty comments get you down. hold your head high and wait for the guy who listens to what you say, and loves you for who you are.

good red wine helps!

x

FiremanSamsMum · 23/07/2011 00:12

Happygomummy

Thank you :)

I'm not bothered about the harsh comments. I find it amusing, I smile and let it wash over me. They dont know me, there 0% chance our paths will ever cross so their comments are easily disregarded :)

I am kissing a lot of frogs presently :) and its an interesting experience. Helped along with red wine...and some intriguing cocktails!!!

You've got my predicament in one - and I am glad things worked out well for you :). Fingers crossed I'll be in the same boat soon. Thank you....really.

OP posts:

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CRS · 23/07/2011 00:12

Hey OP - whilst your post is too honest and maybe you're not "all that" (maybe), you're right. Children who are not one's own (for men OR women) can be a deal breaker. People might not think that decent people reject children who are not theirs biologically, but they do. I tried internet dating once when my partner and I were apart. The minute you said you had a child, you got either rejections or desperation. Sorry, and I'm, sure there are stars out there but kids ARE considered a negative for many people. Hypocritically, if I was single, kids would make me think twice, too.

Happygomummy · 23/07/2011 00:19

cocktails are compulsory!

i recommend highland mojitos at the Charlotte st hotel (if they still do them??)

bedrock of my marriage

FiremanSamsMum · 23/07/2011 00:19

CRS, The funny thing is my child has never been an issue with all my dates. Of course, whomever I end up with will have to accept my child and a man who doesnt want or like children would be a definite deal breaker for me.

Interestingly, I dated a man a few months ago and he was ideal but did not want any more children. He was honest and upfront about that, which I respected but I ended it because I want more children and there was no point going ahead with the relationship when we both wanted different things.

I make a conscious effort to date men with kids just so this scenario is not much of a big deal.

OP posts:

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