What is wrong with me?

[FiremanSamsMum]

I need some harsh talking to - seriously!

I'm 34yo, mum of a 2yr, ok to look at - I wont stop traffic but I get by- 5'8, 10.5 stones, passable shape, well educated, well adjusted person and I just cant seem to find a man I want.

I date quite a bit because I'm on a dating site and I get quite a few emails. I just want a sane man who is educated, self assured, can hold his own and is not overwhelmed by me. Tall, goodlooking and fit will be a big plus too...:)

Yet, when I do meet these men on dates, they are either overwhelmed by me, or we are not at par socially. [When I say at par socially - I mean - is highly educated, cultured, a bit posh :), is not fazed by trappings of wealth etc]

Its doing my head in, honestly. I am also incredibly empathetic and I try to treat everyone as I would love to be treated so even if they are not what I want - I am nice and polite and go through with the dates. They want to see me again and I do not. Some fall for me and get hurt when I say they are not what I want. I'm not a bad person but I want to be with a man because I respect and fancy him and its mutual.

Why cant I find a good fit for me, man wise? I want a man who is comfortable with himself, can go to any upscale bar or restaurant and not feel out of place or inadequate. I also want him to be kind, honest, hardworking, respect everyone and a good person.

Is this too much to ask? Where are all the men gone?

A dating site is probably not the best of places to meet "him" but it seems the whole world and the brother are on dating sites so why havent I found someone?

It's almost as if I'm doomed to not meet a man within the social bracket I am in.

Please talk some sense into me!!!!

[FiremanSamsMum]

Happygomummy

I will check it out!!!

My "date saver" is Applemartinis @ Bob Bob Ricard!!!! It has been a bedrock of many dates for me :)


xxx

[zookeeper]

I think you are being given an unnecessarily hard time OP. You just have to keep dating until you find someone that you click with. It's a numbers game.

I probably had twenty plus dates before I met my current dp. I've been with him for a year and am very happy. All of them were nice enough - and I remain friends with three of them - but not for me (nor I for them)

I have three young dcs and it was my experience that men weren't phased by that at all. In fact I would say that that most, if not all of them were at least open to if not keen on spending time with my dcs as a family.

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

Cos you smell funny innit ??

[amarone]

YANBU. Why should you lower your standards?

Persevere and you might find what you are looking for.

However, please give men that might not meet all your criteria, a chance. You might be surprised.

[Morloth]

I think it is perfectly OK to have really high standards and also a 'list' of what you want, as long as you are willing to accept that there is a strong possibility that you won't find anyone who fits the bill.

Personally, I would rather be alone than settle so if you are the same then don't worry about it, just put all the dates down to experience.

On the step children front, I wouldn't date a man with young children if I was single. From what I have observed it is a pretty rough game being a step parent and I just wouldn't want to play. Kids who are 20+ maybe but even then I would hesitate.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a particular 'sort'.

It sounds like there is nothing wrong with you, just that you have narrowed your field quite a bit.

[Thruaglassdarkly]

Nothing wrong with you. You sound lovely.xxx

[cherrysodalover]

Look to be honest a lot of the good ones who have the character to commit have committed by mid 30s- so you sift through what is left out there.

I'm with Andrew...a lot of guys I have known have admitted they will avoid single mums if they can, unless they have their own kids or just fall for you in the real world-internet is just a huge range of choices so they just chuck that fish back in the sea and get another.I know single mums do meet people and some get lucky but it is a big barrier for a significant mass of men and if they are all that you say you are looking for, believe me they will be inundated with women because those exceptional men.....well everyone finds them exceptional.They can choose whoever they want and many will avoid the baggage and strain on finances, that another man's children inevitably brings.

Sorry.

[cherrysodalover]

I avoided dating men with kids before I met my husband-just did not want to deal with that when there were so many possibilities.And I am a pretty nice person!

[whoneedssleepanyway]

can go to any upscale bar or restaurant and not feel out of place or inadequate

are you for real OP this is seriously one of you major requirements in a man.......how shallow, i think all those that don't fit your high standards have had a lucky escape to be honest OP.

[CurrySpice]

I think your problem might be that if your profile on these dating sites sounds anything like you do here, men must run a mile because you sound like a crashing bore and utter snob

These two statements don't fit together in my mind OP:

"When I say at par socially - I mean - is highly educated, cultured, a bit posh smile, is not fazed by trappings of wealth etc"

and

"I can be perfectly happy with anyone, regardless of his circumstances"

Quite cleraly you consider yourself to be "posh totty" and if I were a man, I wouldn't touch you with a bargepole

[CurrySpice]

Whoa! And you're also telling them you want children after a couple of dates!! eek!!

[itisnearlysummer]

Not sure why everyone's giving the OP such a hard time. I can see why the specifics of what she has said have got some people's backs up, but surely we all look for somebody who is similar to us? We want to fit into their world and we want them to fit into ours.

It's certainly important to me!

[whoneedssleepanyway]

To be fair the OP asked for some harsh talking to....

[howabout]

Have you considered socialising within your own circles rather than using internet dating etc. I don't go to Asda if I want a Fortnum & Mason style treat!

[jeckadeck]

FiremanSamsMum there's nothing wrong with knowing what you want and seeking someone who is more or less compatible with you. But to be frank you do sound like someone who at the very least places a lot of importance on things like education, demographic, call it what you like, over and above universal human qualities. This may or may not make you a snob, one can argue the toss about this.

But it strikes me as a rather short-sighted approach in the dating game because by setting this arbitrary bar you are excluding a hell of a lot of people who might be great company and very loving purely because they aren't going to be at home in certain social environments or have read the right books. A lot of the time these sorts of social filters seem sensible but actually, in my experience, turn out to be an impediment which can stop one from seeing a real person in all their glory. Also, without wanting to sound nasty, you have to recognise that if you're being very demanding of your potential partner in these terms its likely to work the other way.

[AmaraDresden]

I'd say you're probably scaring them off because you really are coming across as shallow and up your own arse.

My DP wouldn't be intimidated by anywhere or anyone posh, but alas he is a lowly manager, and I could still see him running a mile away from you.

People get nervous on first dates, it's normal, if you like a man, apart from his seeming uncomfortable in your chosen surroundings it could simply be a matter of them meeting you for the first time. Not that they're nervous in 'upscale' places.

I don't think anyone should settle for what they can get, but I do think they should be realistic. Desperation can also drive men away.

[AmaraDresden]

I'd say you're probably scaring them off because you really are coming across as shallow and up your own arse.

My DP wouldn't be intimidated by anywhere or anyone posh, but alas he is a lowly manager, and I could still see him running a mile away from you.

People get nervous on first dates, it's normal, if you like a man, apart from his seeming uncomfortable in your chosen surroundings it could simply be a matter of them meeting you for the first time. Not that they're nervous in 'upscale' places.

I don't think anyone should settle for what they can get, but I do think they should be realistic. Desperation can also drive men away.

[FiremanSamsMum]

Madam Amara

Thank you for your comments. With respect, you are the one being up your arse. Many congrats on having a lowly manager who would not be intimidated anywhere posh for a hubby. You must be thrilled. I have no wish to meet him so small chance of him running from me. Thank you.

Perhaps you could read the thread fully and comprehend it, before shooting out of your arse?

The statement was in the context of the the date in question. My date offered to meet near me, he had the choice of 'googling' the location and area and had the option of going somewhere else, he chose not to. Why should I be the bad person if he felt out of place? Being nervous does not correspond to feeling inadequate....you can be nervous and still hold your own, not so?

[FiremanSamsMum]

Jeckadeck

Thank you. I really appreciate your comment.

I do value basic universal human qualities....hence wanting a kind, honest, hardworking, sincere, warm, loving man. I hope I will be able to provide same to my partner.

It would be a disservice to me to disregard "education, demographic...." etc in looking for a partner, do you not think? I can hardly change the circumstances of my birth or where I am in life now so the best I can hope for is to find a partner who complements me. It is only natural that I will gravite toward those with the same circumstances, I think.

In the same vein, I do not write off anyone because of who they are or not, all I ask is that they are comfortable enough to be with me...surely, that is not too much to ask for?

Hardworking men happen to be a turn on for me :) Where are they though? :)

[ButterflySally]

I think you have two options. Option 1: you can stick to your guns and wish list and refuse to compromise. The upside of this approach is that you may one day find the perfect man and may end up blissfully happy. The downside is that you may never meet someone who is up to scratch. If you decide to take this option, you need to be prepared for this possible reality.

Option 2: relax your standards (and I don't mean completely abandon them!) and be open to the possibility of being surprised by people. It IS possible to be blissfully happy with someone, who initially on the surface of it, doesn't match up to your required list.

My DP and I are completely different in terms of background and educational achievements. However he has qualities that I adore which weren't on my initial 'list' and which I now couldn't live without (but never knew, before I met him, that they would become so essential to me). We are different but actually end up complementing each other BECAUSE of our differences, not because of our similarities. I am good at things he is rubbish at and vice versa. It means, between the two of us, we are well-rounded and keep each other balanced. I have learned loads from him being different to me which I wouldn't have if I was with someone more similar and I feel this has personally made me a better person.

I apologise for waxing lyrical about my own relationship but wanted to give you a slightly different perspective which you may find useful to consider.

[TeenieLeek]

FSM Internet dating is a continual disappointment, I feel for you. I particularly used to despair at men who were too useless to choose the place to meet and would say " you choose"- too scared that the woman won't like it. Pathetic.

I tried and tried with it as when you are faced with knowing nobody available and there seem to be hundreds advertising themselves it seems like the logical place to go. However the sad truth is that the kind of man you want to be with will not do Internet dating. That's what I realised.

Delete your accounts and spend your time making new friends - couples, other women, people with similar interests- really work at widening your social circle and tell everyone that you are looking. Eventually he will cross your path and it will be a lot easier to connect when you haven't read profiles in advance. Don't despair, it took me 7 years but the last three when I wasn't wasting time on Internet dates were a lot more fun.

HTH

[TeenieLeek]

PS the hardworking men are at work!

[jeckadeck]

FiremanSamsMum I do understand what you mean about wanting to find someone who complements you. I do think, however, that for entirely understandable reasons you are putting too much stress on these circumstances (education, demographic). These things can be a useful guide towards finding a like-minded person. They can also be total red herrings in the search for emotional compatibility. Sometimes these mental "must have" check boxes can end up imprisoning people rather than helping them in finding the right person. One can find love and compatibility in the most unlikely places and insisting on someone having to clear set bars before they get through the door is often cutting off one's nose to spite one's face....

[ButterflySally]

jeckadeck you have said what I tried to say but far more eloquently!

[FiremanSamsMum]

Butterflysally, TeenieLeek, Jeckadeck :) Thank you. I get your point completely and I take it on board...absolutely.

I'm not tied to a phantom list of must haves - I compromise and date outside my circle of friends - the few I've had just seem to be "trying it out" IYGWIM?

I'm not at the point where it's frustrating and damaging....I'd rather be alone with my adorable son and cheeky puppy than let it get to that. Its amusing and I take the good and the bad, treat everything lightly. I just wonder sometimes....hence this thread.

The most fun I had on a date was with a lovely lovely man, he helped with the painting at the house when we moved and asked me out for drinks. I said yes and he nearly passed out....:) We had a great time and are still friends - till today - but he is seperated from his wife - that is one situation I wouldnt get entangled with.

Real life with new expereinces, like TeenieLeek suggests may be the smart approach.

Again....Thank you.


PS : Madam Amara....apologies for lashing out at you...I cant delete prior posts - my response to yours. It was rather annoying though.