Would this cause such sn issue in your house?

[Elemis]

There is a huge backstory, but wanted to see what you thought if the basic premise.
I'm very close to my family but they live 200 miles away.
My mum has looked after ds for long weekends at her house and at our house. She knows and understands ds probably better than dh. Dh likes to think of himself as a good father, but lacks patience and understanding and is very selfish. He works away a lot, sometimes 2 week trips, and has also booked a fair number of boys trips over the years. He also has a lot of nights out with clients and/ friends.
My mum asked could she take ds home with her, so he could see the family, his cousins etc.
And then I would go down and pick him up. He would be away for 3 nights, then with me, a further 2 nights.
Dh seemed to have no problem with this.
Mum gets here and he turns.
Insists on putting ds to bed(never offered before)
Insists on reading him stories, bangs around the house, makes snidey comments, baits my mum into arguments(she resists)
All culminated in the biggest row last night, where he said the most hurtful and horrible things about me and my family.

Huge power struggle here, he is trying to put his foot down and demonstate that he is ds's father and he has the last say.
I've refused to be drawn in, I cannot reason with him when he is in this mood, so he is even more annoyed with me.
Anyway, my question is, if your child had the chance of 5 days with grandparents, having a ball of a time, well looked after, would it cause such an issue on your household?
ds is nearly 4.

[cottonreels]

I think you need to find some answers in your heart. Do you want to stay with DH? For you or for your DS? What do you love about where you currently live, could you find this elsewhere? Do you think DS is safe in terms of your DH rages? What would your best friend advise? What would your mum say if she knew all? Can you find some breathing space?
This is what I would do if I could now. Take a pen and paper, and go out of the house. Go somewhere nature is abundant - a field, woods, beach, top of a big hill with views. Write down your thoughts. List your troubles and feelings. Dont worry if you cant find solutions yet, just try to put into words your thoughts. Talking to a friend helps too, but still use a pen and paper as I always find that lots of energy gets wasted in a swirling snowstorm of thoughts that clutter up the real issues - like the birthday party you mentioned. Let the tears come if they need to, and pop two paracetamol for the headache you have/is coming!

[brass]

sorry Elemis I reacted to the first post but hadn't read all the subsequent posts thoughtfully. It was a bit knee jerk.

I'm glad you feel supported by your mum and I think cottonreels offers good advice to approach it pragmatically.

[blackeyedsusan]

personally, I would be reporting his threats of violence to the police, for the record. speak to the dv officer at your local station. this needs to be on the record.

[Elemis]

thats helpful thank you cottonreels. I don't want to stay with him. I made a mistake.
I have to do what is best for DS.

he said he had found somewhere to live, turns out it is a hotel.
he is now going for the sympathy vote, "oh woe is me, my life was so bad, I didn't have grandparents"
saying he would rather live somewhere else than just see DS on the weekends. Yes, well that's grown up isn't it. Cutting off your nose to spite your face, I believe is the saying
blackeyedsusan, there is already one incident on record. It was a row, but he was insisting I leave. the police were very nice, said they hoped we would sort it out.
Does anyone know what would happen if there was a 2nd strike against him?

[robingood19]

Its either a something or nothing row; and I cannot make up my mind from what I have read. Sorry

[robingood19]

I can you you a quote from a great user of the english language. "ROws are naver abour what their about" Its true because people often say nuffink and things build up

[MrsCampbellBlack]

Robingood - have you read the whole thread?

Elemis - it sounds like your relationship is over. If I were you I would talk to your mother who sounds fab and also speak to a solicitor asap.

Good luck.

[Elemis]

VR- we have talked about it, they don't seem to have got to any methods yet, still talking about childhood stuff and about how it all stems from his father's death, and being out of control. Sounds like excuses to me.
Sorry, that sounds harsh, that might be the reason, but DH seems to use it as an excuse.
sometimes he accuses me of not asking, but when I do he doesn't really want to talk about it

He assures me he is a specialist in stress/anger

[FuzzpigFourFiveSix]

You need to end it, you're doing the right thing. I am amazed you've stuck with him this long (although since he's away a lot maybe that made it easier!) :(

He'll have to see DS more if you split and he has access visits. Maybe he will actually be a better dad then.

[bubblesincoffee]

You have thought that you don't want this marriage anymore, and whether you stick with that or not, I urge you to do one thing.

When you go to your Mothers for ds, please please take yours and ds's birth certificate, and both of your passports with you. Take any health records, like his red book if you have one, all of your important documents that you would need to start afresh.

By doing that, just sticking everything in a big envelope and keeping it safe at your Mum's, you aren't doing anything you can't go back on. It doesn't have to mean anything. It's just about keeping your options open and making sure these things are safe, and somewhere you can easily access them. Your husband doesn't need to know.

If you decide to stay, nothing is lost, but if you decide you need to separate and he turns nasty, you will regret not doing this.

At the very least, get everything together in one place, so that if things do get volatile, it's easy for you to leave.

You have to take some control of this situation, and you can only chose your actions, not your husbands.

[Elemis]

Thanks for all your help.

I have the passports. Since last year I have had them in a safe place

[makemineapinot]

Elemis -I know how you feel - you have summed up mine and Xh's relationship and his with our DC . You are doing the right thing - he is a bully and for your sanity and safety - and that of your ds- you need to get out of this poisonous realtionship. My DC and I ahve moved 350 miles - back home for me after 16 years away. It was hard and I miss my old friends and life but we are so much happier away from the toxic poison my X threw at us. Unfortunately my Xh (who fought through court to keep our DC in his area) never contacts or sees his children. My ds (9) struggled with this but has accepted it now.

But we are happier, much more secure and have started a new life without the bullying, manipulation, abuse and poison. You can do it too, it takes time and strength and you will find reseves of steel that you didn't know you had. You have your family behind you and their strength and support will keep you going. Don't listen to his threats - he has no chance of getting joint custody - and like my ex will probably make a lot of fuss about access but then will reach the 'can't be arsed' stage. Your ds will get through it - not the perfect situation for him but he will get there. You need to get angry and smart. As the poster above said, get all the documents you will need and take them to your mums - get the marriage certificate as you will need that to divorce him, and being the one doing the divorcing puts you in a position of power. Birth certs, passprts, some utility bills, house deeds etc - any savings accounts take them all. If you ahve joint savings accounts phone the bank and ask them to freeze the account - rr not to allow any withdrawals for the time being. if you have a joint every day account, write and demand that no overdraft facilities be allowed - expolain the situation. let the mortgage company know and give them your mums address - that way if he stops paying the mortgage you will know - my x did this but intercepted the letters as he still had access to our house at that time (I soon changed the locks). If you are staying in your joint house with ds, change the locks - it isn't 'legal' to do this and bar him from his house BUT if you report all of this to the police and ask them to log it, if he takes you to court (unlikely) you have their reports as evidence of his threatening behaviour and your fear for yours and ds' safety. Mine blustered but didn't go to court cos he knew I had reported his behaviour and threats. Also keep a diary and write down every little thing - you have no idea how much this will help you if you do end up in court.
I'm sorry if I'm coming over as being all hard arsed and practical but been there, done that and didn't get the tshirt you need to protect yourself. And get a good solicitor. If you're in Northants I can recommend a very good one.
Take care, keep strong and you will get there xx

[Elemis]

Pinot, thank you, sorry it all sounds familiar.
I have most of the practical stuff under control. He has actually just transferred some funds to me today as promised earlier, so that bodes well, but not taking it for granted.
He has a very personal relationship with our bank manager so as he really wouldn't like to lose face, that side of things might be ok.
He moaned a bit this morning, but I pointed our that as he would still have X amount as disposable income, he can't really complain.

The diary is a great idea, I will backdate that!

Everytime I think of DS, my stomach churns, I miss him already, even though I'd only just be picking him up from preschool now! So that's a bit silly!

[Elemis]

Spoke to DS, he is having a wonderful time.
I am crying on the couch, feeling very alone and sad,
I know I'm doing the right thing, but it just feels like I have a mountain to climb and I'm actually below sea level right now.

[ImperialBlether]

Elemis, I think you need to record your conversations with him from now on. Can you do that on your phone and then email them to yourself? A record of him threatening you would be very useful to have and, I think, would help you keep calmer in the conversation, too.

[ImperialBlether]

Not that you haven't been calm!

[Elemis]

Will try and figure out how to do that if necessary!

[makemineapinot]

erm, great thinking but think my solicitor said recordings weren't admissable in court unless XH was aware he was being recorded - said the judge could go against me on that one so ask for advice on the legal thread about that x

[ImperialBlether]

I still think that if he'd be wary of denying something in court if he knows you have a recording of him saying it.

I don't see why recordings should be unacceptable if you are frightened of someone - can anyone tell me why that's the case? If someone is threatening you or bullying you, why shouldn't you record them? Is it in case you alter the recording? Do you have to tell them so that they can record it, too?

[Elemis]

I think he would be more co-operative if I had evidence.
So probably worth it just for that.
We talked last night and he is refusing to move out, so will be seeking legal advice, I can't live like this anymore.
Going to my parents now

[Tortoiseonthehalfshell]

Good luck, elemis. I haven't commented before but he's clearly abusive (well, you know that don't you? He's hit you, insults you, threatens you, it's hardly a grey area!) and I'm glad you've got the clarity to seek legal advice on it.

[JamieAgain]

Good luck Elemis.

[Solovely2]

okay - on reading this knew there was a back story as it was so farmilar to me - everything, your Dh's spite, anger, calling your mum and family c**nts etc - my ex partner did the same - behaved the same, threatened the same about custody etc when we discovered my ex-partners prolific use of escorts, massage palours, prostitutes you name - we found him out at christmas - he beat me up on our daughter's brithday the following Feb - on it goes, won't bore you with it.

• my initial response was send your son's to his grandmothers - don't be detered.
  
• on reading further my partner did all the same things - used away for work excuse for absences - we found the hotel pictures of him with escorts on dates he said he was away for work etc - our relationship was not good from the beginning but I struggled along with it for 9 years - when we discovered my ex partners antics and the scale of them my father changed my locks Christmas Day!! I own my own home, ex partner always hated that - always wanted me to take my name off the deeds of my home and replace with his - refused and good job too as now we know the truth my daughter and I stay put.
  

Your dh will threaten custody for six months and other such nonsense - they are threats - before anything you have to agree a contact / custody solution - if you can't agree and it goes to court - yes some judges are unreasonable but not that unreasonable - six months on six months off for seeing mum and dad is not practical.

mainly i empathise entirely with you - your situation sounds so farmiliar to mine minus the violence (fractured cheek bone) on my daughters birthday - but your ds's anger, behaviours, dislike of family, dislike of your friends, using your son in the way he does in your relationship - honestly go to your mothers / family - tske the time you need and end the relationship - I agonised that my daughter needed her father around - he's gone from our home and for the first time in nine years there's no atmosphere - my house is back to normal my daughter doesn't witness her father's spite - it's bliss - by all means stay in your local area but if splitting up is what you want but are worried about doing - don't worry - just do it - you'll be happier.