There is a huge backstory, but wanted to see what you thought if the basic premise.
I'm very close to my family but they live 200 miles away.
My mum has looked after ds for long weekends at her house and at our house. She knows and understands ds probably better than dh. Dh likes to think of himself as a good father, but lacks patience and understanding and is very selfish. He works away a lot, sometimes 2 week trips, and has also booked a fair number of boys trips over the years. He also has a lot of nights out with clients and/ friends.
My mum asked could she take ds home with her, so he could see the family, his cousins etc.
And then I would go down and pick him up. He would be away for 3 nights, then with me, a further 2 nights.
Dh seemed to have no problem with this.
Mum gets here and he turns.
Insists on putting ds to bed(never offered before)
Insists on reading him stories, bangs around the house, makes snidey comments, baits my mum into arguments(she resists)
All culminated in the biggest row last night, where he said the most hurtful and horrible things about me and my family.
Huge power struggle here, he is trying to put his foot down and demonstate that he is ds's father and he has the last say.
I've refused to be drawn in, I cannot reason with him when he is in this mood, so he is even more annoyed with me.
Anyway, my question is, if your child had the chance of 5 days with grandparents, having a ball of a time, well looked after, would it cause such an issue on your household?
ds is nearly 4.
AIBU?
Would this cause such sn issue in your house?
Elemis · 18/07/2011 06:14
Elemis, my x is 2000 miles away, I have been totally explicit in my communication recenlty that we will never ever share a roof. he is still talking about having more DC.. erm???? Que? 
He'll be nice over the phone, cos he'll want info, but if I ever allow that man back in the same room as me, he will try to retake command.
Stick to your guns, know that he has not, nor will ever change. This is not about you, it is 100% him. He is choosing to do this to you. Hold onto the awful stuff, use it to remind you, strengthen your resolve.
Your H will try every trick in the book, soon he'll realise being mean is not working, so he'll turn the charm on, be wary, it means nothing, it's a ploy, an act.
Hang onto the hope of a brighter tomorrow. I found that helped too, knowing that with him we'd never go to certain lovely holiday places, only his muslim hellholes, where it's cheap and he gets to call the shots linguistically, and where it's OK to rule and dominate your woman 
Hold onto the feeling of love and safety, that is what you are entitled to, not this life of fear and worry. Stay on the path you are on, and this is how you will be able to live all the time!
Elemis -I know how you feel - you have summed up mine and Xh's relationship and his with our DC 
. You are doing the right thing - he is a bully and for your sanity and safety - and that of your ds- you need to get out of this poisonous realtionship. My DC and I ahve moved 350 miles - back home for me after 16 years away. It was hard and I miss my old friends and life but we are so much happier away from the toxic poison my X threw at us. Unfortunately my Xh (who fought through court to keep our DC in his area) never contacts or sees his children. My ds (9) struggled with this but has accepted it now.
But we are happier, much more secure and have started a new life without the bullying, manipulation, abuse and poison. You can do it too, it takes time and strength and you will find reseves of steel that you didn't know you had. You have your family behind you and their strength and support will keep you going. Don't listen to his threats - he has no chance of getting joint custody - and like my ex will probably make a lot of fuss about access but then will reach the 'can't be arsed' stage. Your ds will get through it - not the perfect situation for him but he will get there. You need to get angry and smart. As the poster above said, get all the documents you will need and take them to your mums - get the marriage certificate as you will need that to divorce him, and being the one doing the divorcing puts you in a position of power. Birth certs, passprts, some utility bills, house deeds etc - any savings accounts take them all. If you ahve joint savings accounts phone the bank and ask them to freeze the account - rr not to allow any withdrawals for the time being. if you have a joint every day account, write and demand that no overdraft facilities be allowed - expolain the situation. let the mortgage company know and give them your mums address - that way if he stops paying the mortgage you will know - my x did this but intercepted the letters as he still had access to our house at that time (I soon changed the locks). If you are staying in your joint house with ds, change the locks - it isn't 'legal' to do this and bar him from his house BUT if you report all of this to the police and ask them to log it, if he takes you to court (unlikely) you have their reports as evidence of his threatening behaviour and your fear for yours and ds' safety. Mine blustered but didn't go to court cos he knew I had reported his behaviour and threats. Also keep a diary and write down every little thing - you have no idea how much this will help you if you do end up in court.
I'm sorry if I'm coming over as being all hard arsed and practical but been there, done that and didn't get the tshirt you need to protect yourself. And get a good solicitor. If you're in Northants I can recommend a very good one.
Take care, keep strong and you will get there xx
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