to be disgusted and furious with the attitude of this social worker WWYD?

[inatrance]

I am so angry about this I can't think straight so would appreciate any thoughts to help me know what to do next. Apologies in advance for huge post.

I am friends with one of the mums at dd's school who has a child who was in her class. Originally (a couple of years ago) she turned up at school with her face a complete mess (black eyes, bruises) which was why we became friends as I obviously suspected she was being abused and engineered a conversation where she confided that this was the case.

Her P is a vicious, evil bully and has put her through the sheer hell of emotional (and sometimes physical) torture for years and I have supported her as much as I can in the time that I have known her and encouraged her to involve Women's Aid. They have recently allocated her a support worker.

The other huge problem she has is that her P is a heavy drinker and has encouraged her to also develop an alcohol problem. He has used this to threaten her and control her (telling her it's her own fault he treats her so badly because she drinks, tells her that she will lose her son because of it etc) and this is part of the reason that she has been too terrified to leave and has become trapped in the cycle of alcohol dependency. She has tried (and succeeded) repeatedly to stop drinking and has done brilliantly, going to the local Drug and Alcohol dependency unit daily, seeing the D & A counsellor and getting a job. Every time she does, and she starts regaining her strength and independence, her P steps up the abuse and intimidation, often in front of their son and knocks her back down until she is back in a mess.

Only the shit hit the fan a while ago as someone reported that she had turned up at school drunk. Social services got involved along with the school and have been unsympathetic to the other issues at play and have made it ALL about her and her drink problem, encouraged by her H who has been invited to meetings to discuss my friend, which of course has played right into his hands in convincing her that it's her own fault that she is being abused.

Until today I honestly thought this was because they were unaware of the facts.

I went to pick up DD and saw her P with their son and a woman who I have seen my friend with recently. I had a horrible feeling and sent her a text to see if she was ok. She sent a message back saying no and asked me to call her.

I rang her and she was in a state, drunk and sobbing down the phone. He had attacked her last week and the neighbours had rang the police, her P was arrested and held then released on bail. I went round and she was covered in huge bruises with a massive black eye. He had attacked her in front of their son.

Yesterday the police and ss had turned up and told her that as she was drinking her son could not be returned to her and he is now at her 'friends' house. I say 'friend' because this is the woman who I had earlier seen with her H and son.
She had no contact numbers or names for anyone from either the police or ss so I spent the next couple of hours trying to find someone who could tell me what the hell was going on.

I eventually got through to the social worker who had been dealing with it and she was incredibly hostile from the word go. I was polite and professional and tried to explain that the reason I was calling was to find out what was happening for my friend and to inform them that this violent man who also has a (worse) drink problem than my friend and who has proven himself to be dangerous had been spotted with their son and to find out whether they were aware of this.

She would NOT let me finish and kept talking over me and when I tried to explain that my friend was legitimately concerned and said that I had known her for a couple of years and seen what he has put her through, she then turned it back on me and began questioning why I had let this go on if I knew what was happening!! When I said about the P drinking she asked me if I personally had ever seen him drunk, implying either that my friend was lying or that it was six of one and half a dozen of the other. She basically made her contempt clear for my friend and was utterly unsympathetic as to WHY my friend is drinking and showed seemingly no awareness for the complicated nature of the situation.

When I politely but firmly asked her to let me finish (I repeated this several times) she said that she was ending the conversation, then she put the phone down on me!!!

I could understand it if I was shouting at her, swearing or being abusive but I swear I was not. I was being polite and professional but assertive and I still cant' believe she was unprofessional enough to actually hang up on me. I had thought my friend was blaming herself when she said that ss thought it was all her fault as well, but it appears that she was right.

I did also speak to the police who were brilliant and I think there is a multi agency meeting tomorrow to discuss the child and what to do next. I am still fuming about the unprofessional way she spoke to me and about her whole attitude and I'm stuck as to the best thing to do. Should I complain? Will this make matters worse? I'm getting more help for her tomorrow but it seems that ss have already decided who is the 'bad' parent and for my friend it seems that her worst fears have come true.

Thanks if you have managed to read this far, any insight would be much appreciated.

[michelleseashell]

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread- just wanted to say a similar thing happened to me once. You could be describing the same event. I tried to have a civilized discussion with a relatives social worker and I ended up having the phone slammed down on me. She acted like I was being horribly abusive to her. I was completely shocked!

I had to put it down to her getting so much aggression normally that she had become hypersensitive. I barely even disagreed with what she was saying but that tiny nth degree of differing points was all it took. I felt like I was in Meet The Parents when the flight assistant accuses Ben Stiller of shouting and causing a scene on the plane when he isn't!

Anyway I hope you get things sorted. Just wanted to say I've been there and it's crazy!

[hester]

Yes, I wonder if they're like call centre workers - too much exposure to abuse, strong workplace code that they don't have to take this shit etc, so the slightest raised voice results in "madam, you are being abusive and so I am going to end this call".

[LolaRennt]

The child shouldn't be with either of them right not. Also while I understnad your friend is the victim if she doesn't sort her life out her son will grow up blaming her for the shit he is putting up with /witnessing. I am speaking from personal experience here.

Also worse case scenario he will also end up being abused by the father. He will also be more likely to become an abuser himself.

[LolaRennt]

OH and btw good on you for being there for your friend. It can't be easy