to be disgusted and furious with the attitude of this social worker WWYD?

[inatrance]

I am so angry about this I can't think straight so would appreciate any thoughts to help me know what to do next. Apologies in advance for huge post.

I am friends with one of the mums at dd's school who has a child who was in her class. Originally (a couple of years ago) she turned up at school with her face a complete mess (black eyes, bruises) which was why we became friends as I obviously suspected she was being abused and engineered a conversation where she confided that this was the case.

Her P is a vicious, evil bully and has put her through the sheer hell of emotional (and sometimes physical) torture for years and I have supported her as much as I can in the time that I have known her and encouraged her to involve Women's Aid. They have recently allocated her a support worker.

The other huge problem she has is that her P is a heavy drinker and has encouraged her to also develop an alcohol problem. He has used this to threaten her and control her (telling her it's her own fault he treats her so badly because she drinks, tells her that she will lose her son because of it etc) and this is part of the reason that she has been too terrified to leave and has become trapped in the cycle of alcohol dependency. She has tried (and succeeded) repeatedly to stop drinking and has done brilliantly, going to the local Drug and Alcohol dependency unit daily, seeing the D & A counsellor and getting a job. Every time she does, and she starts regaining her strength and independence, her P steps up the abuse and intimidation, often in front of their son and knocks her back down until she is back in a mess.

Only the shit hit the fan a while ago as someone reported that she had turned up at school drunk. Social services got involved along with the school and have been unsympathetic to the other issues at play and have made it ALL about her and her drink problem, encouraged by her H who has been invited to meetings to discuss my friend, which of course has played right into his hands in convincing her that it's her own fault that she is being abused.

Until today I honestly thought this was because they were unaware of the facts.

I went to pick up DD and saw her P with their son and a woman who I have seen my friend with recently. I had a horrible feeling and sent her a text to see if she was ok. She sent a message back saying no and asked me to call her.

I rang her and she was in a state, drunk and sobbing down the phone. He had attacked her last week and the neighbours had rang the police, her P was arrested and held then released on bail. I went round and she was covered in huge bruises with a massive black eye. He had attacked her in front of their son.

Yesterday the police and ss had turned up and told her that as she was drinking her son could not be returned to her and he is now at her 'friends' house. I say 'friend' because this is the woman who I had earlier seen with her H and son.
She had no contact numbers or names for anyone from either the police or ss so I spent the next couple of hours trying to find someone who could tell me what the hell was going on.

I eventually got through to the social worker who had been dealing with it and she was incredibly hostile from the word go. I was polite and professional and tried to explain that the reason I was calling was to find out what was happening for my friend and to inform them that this violent man who also has a (worse) drink problem than my friend and who has proven himself to be dangerous had been spotted with their son and to find out whether they were aware of this.

She would NOT let me finish and kept talking over me and when I tried to explain that my friend was legitimately concerned and said that I had known her for a couple of years and seen what he has put her through, she then turned it back on me and began questioning why I had let this go on if I knew what was happening!! When I said about the P drinking she asked me if I personally had ever seen him drunk, implying either that my friend was lying or that it was six of one and half a dozen of the other. She basically made her contempt clear for my friend and was utterly unsympathetic as to WHY my friend is drinking and showed seemingly no awareness for the complicated nature of the situation.

When I politely but firmly asked her to let me finish (I repeated this several times) she said that she was ending the conversation, then she put the phone down on me!!!

I could understand it if I was shouting at her, swearing or being abusive but I swear I was not. I was being polite and professional but assertive and I still cant' believe she was unprofessional enough to actually hang up on me. I had thought my friend was blaming herself when she said that ss thought it was all her fault as well, but it appears that she was right.

I did also speak to the police who were brilliant and I think there is a multi agency meeting tomorrow to discuss the child and what to do next. I am still fuming about the unprofessional way she spoke to me and about her whole attitude and I'm stuck as to the best thing to do. Should I complain? Will this make matters worse? I'm getting more help for her tomorrow but it seems that ss have already decided who is the 'bad' parent and for my friend it seems that her worst fears have come true.

Thanks if you have managed to read this far, any insight would be much appreciated.

[Birdsgottafly]

Would you allow her to stay with you, if she wants to leave?
Are you prepared to override her and phone the police as soon as things kick off.
There is no 'simple' about this situation, as i am sure others will tell you, who have had family members become alcoholics.

[slartybartfast]

can't agree with OP that her partner encouraged her to develop a drink problem.
she developed her own drink problem.

you must speak up for the child rather than the parents, someone has to

[eragon]

i have to say that the child is more important in this mix, and the SS dont remove a child without a strong reason.
I am wondering if your friendship has been abused by this woman? deflecting the concerns you should have had for the child, to focus on the mothers problems? some people are fantastic manipulators, and she has used you to prop her up for quite some time. however , if you forget that she is your friend, and you saw the poor care of her child, would you phone the social workers on behalf of this child?

I am so glad that the SS have stepped in and i hope it benifits this childs life long term.

[bumpsoon]

Has SS removed the child ? or has the partner removed the child to the friends house ? It seems strange that SS would remove a child they deem to be at risk and then allow the partner access given that he has recently been arrested for domestic violence /assault ?
As far as your friend and her drink problem is concerned , whilst her problems are almost certainly a contributory factor , your friend has to accept that it is her problem and she is the only one who can change the situation. I am not going to judge your friend ,its easy to say how we think we would react to certain situations, without ever having the misfortune to be in them .
Encourage your friend to get the help she needs ,the very best thing she can do now is get out of the abusive relationship and get sober .
My greatest concern is for the child , if i were you i would contact SS again and explain that you have seen the partner with the child and you are concerned for childs safety ,given the partners arrest for violence ( give the date of the arrest and if possible a contact name of a police officer ).

[gtg]

As a child and teenager I always blamed my sd, now as an adult I have realised that it was my mums duty to keep us safe from harm. Witnessing violence and verbal abuse is VERY harmful and it has taken me many years to come to terms with it. I was bulimic by the age of ten because it was the only thing in my life that I could control. I was a very defensive child and was bullied all though juniors, as in many cases by the time I got into high school I became the agressor and I am ashamed of the fact that I was a bully in hs.

When both parents are alcoholics or just heavy drinkers as in my parents case, (they drank every night but never in the day) the needs of the child tend to come second. Also when alcohol is involved aguments and agressive behaviour can easily be the outcome because both parties can be unreasonable.

I feel for your friend but I feel for the dc caught up in this MORE, she has choices the dc doesn't.

Now as an adult I try to provide the upbringing for my children that I didn't have, I am teetotal because of the affect witnessing drunken arguments. If we have friends around like this weekend to watch the boxing when they were all drinking I am tense in case anybody falls out (even though this has never happened, it is buried into my subconsious and I am never fully relaxed around people who are drinking).

[bumpsoon]

Try not to see the situation as the social worker being against your friend , im sure the social worker would love to see your friend sober and sorted and back with her child.

[WibblyBibble]

Do not get why everyone is saying the child is now 'safe'- the OP says her violent partner is having contact with the child through the woman fostering him, so he certainly isn't. OP, I would write to SS rather than phone- then they can't hang up on you, and have to treat it as an official complaint. I would stress that the child is being put at risk by being in unsupervised contact with his violent, abusive father. He clearly needs to be placed with someone who will protect him from both parents until they recover (or she does, at least- doesn't sound like he's going to). Stress the father's arrest and previous witnessing of his violence.

Meanwhile, your friend needs to contact womens aid and find out somewhere safe she can go. She also needs to get into an alcoholic recovery programme ASAP. As you are clearly aware, she can't have been parenting adequately with a violent man around and a drink problem, so she does need to sort all this out before her son can come back, and you can help her with this. She is allowed to take an advocate to any meetings with SS, and you can be this person if she wishes. She also needs to follow up on her partner's arrest and make sure he is prosecuted, and bring up all the past incidents of abuse, and you and other parents can act as witnesses and provide statements to back her up. He ought to get a prison sentence and hopefully this would keep him away from her for a while at least.

I am pretty disgusted with some of the comments on here saying that the friend's alcohol dependence excuses/explains the violence (e.g. saying that 'maybe they were just fighting')- there is no excuse for abusive behaviour!

[Vibrant]

Haven't they removed the child to the care of the friend of the H? So he isn't entirely out of the risk situation, if the H is still around him through the friend.
And I think inatrance is worried that SS don't have all the background information, and don't realise the risk that the H may pose, but couldn't get that through to the SW. That's my reading of the situation.

I'd suggest you contact the drug and alcohol service as they will be involved with the multi-agency meeting and may well be more receptive to some background information.

I think you're justified in making a complaint about how she handled your call, but maybe wait a little while?

[WibblyBibble]

OK, sorry, she's already in a dependency programme, so that's good. However she needs to get away from the man before it's going to be successful because seems like the abuse is sending her back to drinking to forget the problem. Get her into a refuge or have her at yours ASAP, I think!

[Birdsgottafly]

If she wants to complain then she should phone the department and ask for the complaints manager.

The CP meeting will decide if contact should be cut, it sounds as though it is a foster carer and access will be granted as long as it is supervised to minimise the trauma to the child.

SS will arrange any help the woman needs in regards to re-housing, they are now required to work in a multi-agency way, so will arrange everything, if that is what she wants. They will put conditions in place that she will have to adhere to, if she wants to keep her child. The ball will be in her court.

TBH she may be playing down the partners violence, so it is leaving SS with no choice but to go through the full investigative procedure as they don't know at present what to believe. They have to picture build and decide on 'risk', 'risk' outweighs access and contact.

If they deem her to be incapable of protecting her child then she will only be granted supervised access.

Op- all i can say is have an open mind as you may be being manipulated.

[Bluebell99]

YABU. The social worker's job is to protect the child. You are not helping your friend by blaming it all on the partner. She is an adult and is making choices about her life, staying with a violent partner and drinking. The child is the innocent one in all this.

[Vibrant]

I still think some people are missing the point. The op is trying to get across to SS that this child may be at as much at risk from the dad as from the mum.

[WibblyBibble]

Birdsgottafly, sorry, but having had dealings with SS in the past, she should have everything in writing rather than on phone, as they will cover up and misrepresent things otherwise. I started taking a dictaphone into meetings with them because of this. I don't think it's out of malice, and I'm sure social workers are overworked and all that, but they do seem to cover up incompetence and claim clients are being 'abusive' (poor delicate wee flowers) to them when in fact they are being politely assertive.

[Birdsgottafly]

But this needs to be done quickly if the OP has serious concerns that the DC is a risk from the partner having access, the mother may be the one playing down the violence to justify why she has not been dealing with the situation as she should have been.

She can put it in writing later but the CP meeting is today.

[Birdsgottafly]

SS are not one large body, they are different depending on the LA that they work under and also how good the managers are (Sharon Shoesmith).

But if she speaks to amanger today, itt will have to be noted, supervision for managers has increased dramatically, but she needs to phone and not be fobbed off.

[umf]

OP, are you going to the multi-agency meeting with your friend? Do, and take notes.

Try to arrange for her addiction counsellor to attend too.

Get your concerns down in writing today, so that you can give copies to the relevant parties at the meeting.

[Birdsgottafly]

TBH, she has not got a reason to complain, this is a CP issue and cannot be discussed with random strangers over the phone.

This is a real case and not a mistake, that needs to be remembered, the child needs protecting.

[lisad123]

Sorry but the SW was wrong to speak to you like that but imo neither of them should have the child. No matter what, your friend had a choice, a choice to drink or not and a choice to stay or go when she had the support to do so. Who was thinking of the child in all of this?? doesnt sound like either of them are in the right place to be looking after the child.
I would go to the meeting with friend as her supportive person and make it clear that you are aware of the DV.

[dutchyoriginal]

I agree that OP's friend may not be the best carer right now and that the boy might be better off temporarily in a foster situation. HOWEVER, most of the posters seem to have missed this part:

"I went to pick up DD and saw her P with their son and a woman who I have seen my friend with recently. (...) Yesterday the police and ss had turned up and told her that as she was drinking her son could not be returned to her and he is now at her 'friends' house. I say 'friend' because this is the woman who I had earlier seen with her H and son."

So, the drunk mother is deemed a risk to the child and the drunk, hitting father is ok to have around the child? Both of them should be treated equal in this situation and the social worker should take note of the information the OP can give.

[Mumbrane]

My main concern is for the child involved in all of this. It doesn't sound like either of his parents are able to look after him properly. Very sad . I agree with umf, though. If you are attending a meeting with your friend, bring along a written copy of what you want to contribute.

[lesley33]

The SW's job is to protect the child. There have been cases where children have died because SS have been too "understanding" of the parents problems and the needs of the children have been fogotten. SW's are now told clearly to focus on the child. But there are a number of issues here.

1. Both parents haven't looked after the child properly. SS won't care whose fault ultimately it is, they just want the child to be safe.
   

1. SW was right to ask why you hadn't reported the situation before now. The child has been neglected and you have done nothing to stop this happening.
   

1. SS are used to often very abusive parents explaining why the abuse isn't their fault. Parents who beat, rape and neglect their children often try to justify it. So SW's soon learn to ignore explanations for abuse or neglect.
   

1. Your friend needs to find out if her P does have unsupervised access to the child. She may need to get a lawyer to help her. She could contact Women's Aid for support with this. Abusive men can often get supervised access, but shouldn't get unsupervised access. If he is getting unsupervised access this needs to be legally challenged.
   

1. Your friend needs to apply for access to the child. Without access - whether supervised or not, it is more difficult to get the child returned. Again Women's Aid should be able to help her find a lawyer and guide her through this process.
   

1. Your friend needs to get her act together if she wants her child back. She needs to leave her P, live separately from him and stop drinking. Until this happens, she may never have the child returned to live with her. You don't say how old the child is, but if they are older it is possible that the child is saying they don't want to be returned home.
   

1. Don't bother complaining about the SW. It will be found that she was not in the wrong. And tbh your friend needs to try and be seen as co-operating with SS. A key way to do this is for her to acknowledge that it was not a good environment for her child, to acknowledge the part she has played in this and to tell them the ways that she will change.
   

However, SS won't just take her word for this, she does need to change things.

1. I would be surprised if the child is returned home tomorrow after the multi agency meeting. More likely the case conference will confirm that the child should continue to be looked after by someone else - and if everything seems fine, looked after by person child is with at the moment.
   

To help your friend, help her get an experienced lawyer who can help her get access and then, if it is best for the child, help her get her child back. Concentrate on this rather than this SW. Complaining about the SW will not help your friend and may harm her.

[Vibrant]

"But this needs to be done quickly if the OP has serious concerns that the DC is a risk from the partner having access2

That's exactly what the OP has tried to do and the SW didn't listen to her and hung up.

"TBH, she has not got a reason to complain, this is a CP issue and cannot be discussed with random strangers over the phone"

She does have a reason - the social worker was rude, didn't listen and hung up on her.

And no, they can't actually discuss the case with her - but they can listen. Background information from 3rd parties can be really helpful.

I work in this field too.

[lesley33]

Also meant to say that it is possible your friend isn't telling you the full story. Sometimes in these situations parents aren't honest with friends and relatives about everything that SS have found out about the family. May not apply here, but just be aware it is a possibility.

[lesley33]

Vibrant yes the SW should have listened to the background info. But IMO complaining about this SW will not be helpful to her friends case.

[Vibrant]

The two shouldn't be linked at all. Complaints are dealt with by a completely different process.