DH just came home and...

[SpareRoomSleeper]

I had opened the blinds fully (as I do when its nice and sunny), and we had a conversation which followed thus:
Him:
what have you guys been upto (me and DD who is 2)
Me: "the usual",
Him: "whats the usual"
Me: "the usual cleaning, bathing, feeding, more cleaning up, playing etc".

Him: "these windows are abit dirty arnt they.
Me: Yes they are.
Him: Why dont you clean them?



Cue me feeling immediately mad and irritated, and said some stuff along the lines of : I dont need instructions from YOU, I can bloody well arrange my own chores for my own self thanks very much.

I still feel really pissed off now though.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Weve got some fiesty sparkles on this thread, Im telling ya!

I think what peed me off more is the silence after my answer about what weve been doing all day. And I feel abit now.

[BooyHoo]

but why? i dont get it. does his willy tell him to say these things?

[Bartimaeus]

Maybe smile sweetly and ask if he can take a day off work to look after the baby and the rest of the house whilst you do this urgent task?

I realise I'm lucky though, in 4 years living with DH he has looked at the windows exactly 4 times and said, they really need cleaning. Pause. Then he goes and gets the bucket and sponge

[Asinine]

Just noticed your name op, just tell him that housework is bad for the libido, it's a medical fact...

[PamBeesly]

No OP he is not allowed make comments like that in his own house or anywhere else for that matter....you are very polite...I'd have gone off on one then had a serious 'talk'...my DH doesn't get a break.... not that either of us would notice window dirt

[nickelbabe]

I thought you'd finally left him SpareRoomSleeper

obviously not :(

He's a twat, you know he's a twat.
It really would be in your best interests to leave him.

He acts like this a lot, doesn't he.
You're not his partner, you're his nanny and housekeeper.
:(

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Ive had a struggle getting DD to eat breakfast, a struggle to get her in the bath and then a struggle to get her out, and a battle with lunch, because she is an extremely fussy eater.
I'd also talked to my mum on the phone for about 30 minutes (I make a point of calling her every day after Dad passed away a month ago), and sometimes even when Im pushed for time, I still make time and call her because I know shes waiting for me to call.

And when somebody asks you "what have you been upto all day", you cant just launch into the intricacies of each and every thing youve done, can you. You just say oh I did x, y, z.

And oh, I just feel utterly shit.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Hes gone.

I can cry openly now.

[PhilipJFry]

I might be wrong here, but maybe the silence was his passive-aggressive way of saying "I don't think you've done enough"? It upset you, after all.

You should not have to justify how you've spent your day when he comes back home.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Yes philip...thats why it upset me.

[BooyHoo]

spareroom, you have nothing to feel shit about. my ds (also jsut turned 2) is currently on hsi first full day at creche and it is absoloutely amazing how much extra time i have had today to eb able to get things done that usually only get hald done because he is so demanding. your DH really has no idea and i think he should get a taster of your days before making ridiculous comments like that.

[Asinine]

Sorry about your dad, sounds like your priorities are correct. It's horrible that he doesn't value your work with your family

[BooyHoo]

BTW, i still couldn't list all teh things i have done today to account for every minute of teh day. how dare your DH make you feel like this.

[Bartimaeus]

Sorry you're upset spareroom
YANBU - it's not on for him to question what you've done and you don't have to justify anything.
Don't know what to suggest, just a very unmumsnet hug

[sparkle12mar08]

Sounds like there's a fair bit of back story to this, isn't there? For what it's worth I am a slattern of a house keeper, and dh quite rightly asks me to do certain things before others if he's at the twitchy stage, but what he doesn't do, and has never done, is grind me down with criticism. Hope you can get a good nights sleep in x

[PrettyMeerkat]

At least he's a recovering clean freak I suppose. Has it really got better? Do you think it will continue to get better, or is he making less open comments as he knows it pisses you off? What I mean is, is he still thinking the same even though he is acting differennt (most of the time)?

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

Ah, having heard backstory of OCD cleaner MIL maybe the answer should have been something like 'because I am not your mother. If you would prefer to live with her the door is over there'. You may wish to enhance this with some choice language just to make your strength of feeling perfeclty clear.

[PhilipJFry]

I'm starting to fume on your behalf, I really am. Your father passed away a MONTH ago and he's coming home and insinuating that you should have cleaned the windows instead of seeing how you're doing?

SRS- you are NOT his Stepford Wife, or his cleaner, or anything else. And if he's reducing you to tears like this with his comments then he is wrong.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I don't know your background with your partner, but on the basis of this thread, I think you need to sit him down and tell him that his attitude towards your role has upset you a lot. Remind him that your job is to look after DD during the working day and everything else should be shared 50/50. A SAHM is just that someone staying at home in order to look after their child, not a housekeeper/cleaner/cook.

In reality a SAHP will do more housework, because they are there and the other partner is not, but that in no way means that all the housework is entirely your responsibility. If the state of the windows bothers him so much, perhaps he could get his arse off the sofa and clean them.

I think a gentle reminder is needed that you are his partner, not his employee!

[SpareRoomSleeper]

I just dont feel like I have the emotional strength as Im still grieving over my Dad. I do in short bursts like earlier but then it fizzles out quickly and leaves me very teary and emotional. All this over windows. But its not really, is it.

[fedupofnamechanging]

No, lovely, this is not about windows at all. It's about feeling unappreciated and uncared for at a time when you desperately need your husband to look after you.

Someone who has grown up in a household where cleaning is constant and obsessive, has no real barometer to measure what is normal and what isn't. He needs to be taught about what is acceptable to expect and to say to one's partner.

[Chandon]

agree with karmabeliever.

If he doesn't appreciate you being at home with DC (as that's not all fun and games, 2 year olds can be full on) that's bad.

Sorry, but really it's bad on so many levels. He shows not love or respect for you.

[fedupofnamechanging]

if you don't feel up to tackling him now then don't worry, it'll keep. Don't give in to what he wants just for a quiet life though, or you will have more to undo later. it's possible to stand your ground quietly, without argument,just by ignoring the unreasonable requests.

You are doing a good job - you are taking care of your baby and your mum, while coping with your own grief. Don't take it to heart what he says. Just write it off as him being a berk!

[rachelfruitloop]

If it were my DH, I'd promptly email him a link to a local cleaner's website and suggest that he request a quote!

So sorry about your dad.

[DeWe]

My dad's expression used to be "you can do this while you're resting." Usually about something that didn't need doing. Though I remember the time he told dm that she couldn't possibly go to meet a friend from the station when she was on her way out of the door. Dm wondered how many visitors would prefer to be met an hour late, but say "don't worry the airing cupboard is tidy". The airing cupboad stayed messy.