DH just came home and...

[SpareRoomSleeper]

I had opened the blinds fully (as I do when its nice and sunny), and we had a conversation which followed thus:
Him:
what have you guys been upto (me and DD who is 2)
Me: "the usual",
Him: "whats the usual"
Me: "the usual cleaning, bathing, feeding, more cleaning up, playing etc".

Him: "these windows are abit dirty arnt they.
Me: Yes they are.
Him: Why dont you clean them?



Cue me feeling immediately mad and irritated, and said some stuff along the lines of : I dont need instructions from YOU, I can bloody well arrange my own chores for my own self thanks very much.

I still feel really pissed off now though.

[Inertia]

SpareRoom- when he says "Why don't you clean them", your response should be "because I have prioritised meeting the needs of my child. I am not willing to let her go hungry, unchanged or ignored because of your issues. If you are that bothered you clean them".

Or, " It would not be safe to climb up on stepladders with DD around, as she might well climb up after me and I wouldn't be able to get down or get her down. I am not willing to put your issues above our DD's safety".

Two-year-old children need pretty much constant supervision. Have you ever left him in charge of DD for a day? How would he balance the cleaning /caring ratio?

[tethersend]

Arf at it being his house when he wants to make a comment, but not when the windows need cleaning. Then it appears to be your house.

[Adagoo]

spareroom if he's recovering, then he knows he has a problem re the cleaning, and he is trying to stop it. I haven't read your other threads so i'm sorry if I've missed the point.

It's a throwaway comment about the windows. He probably knows he was out of order, but it is hard to justify how he has made you feel by referring to windows. It seems such a small thing.

If you can, you need to avoid talking about windows at all costs, as that will make it seem like you are fixated on a tiny non-issue.

Tell him that you could probably get a lot done if you were to prioritise cleaning over bringing her up. You could leave her in front of the telly all day and clean. I'm sure he wouldn't want that.

looking after children is a job. The housework fits in round the children, it shouldn't be the other way round.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

I dont think I could behave like that if I tried, binfull....

[Binfullofmaggotsonthe45]

Get some windowlene and write TWAT across the window in large letters.

Thus killing two birds with one stone - he'll get the message, and most likely he'll clean the window.

Finally, critique his job without looking up from your Grazia...."hmmm, you've missed a bit in the corner...and it's a bit smeary..."

Finish by stuffing the corner of a kilo slab of dairy milk in your mouth and sucking it noisily...mmmmmmm "can you turn the telly over while you're up luv?"

[HerHissyness]

In future say Nothing, but hand him the windowlene and a cloth.

The cheeky git.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

Yes, I thought that too nickelbabe, and thats how I feel too.

And yes, he CAN help himself.

And those were excuses.

[CrapolaDeVille]

He can help himself....he wouldn't say it about his boss's windows....he doesn't want to stop himself from saying it to you.

[nickelbabe]

but it's like he thinks that you've had your period of grieving and should be over it now.

That's not supportive - that's being a twat - he is supportive when it suits HIM

[SpareRoomSleeper]

I hate to sound like one of those women who write saying their DH/DP is a twat, and then we he gets stick from mnetters, is quick to defend him, but...I spent two weeks with my mum after my Dad went, and DH was supportive in coming and going to visit us, bringing clothes etc from home, picking us up, then I went again for another four days after a couple of weeks, and DH stayed one night and came back home on sunday for work. When I got back, hes been trying in his own way to help, by getting me out of the house to go shopping, eat out etc.

Somebody asked if hes really recovering, and he is. But like I said, he just cant help himself from making comments about things, like windows. Its almost like this habit is engrained into the fibres of his being

[DeWe]

My dad's expression used to be "you can do this while you're resting." Usually about something that didn't need doing. Though I remember the time he told dm that she couldn't possibly go to meet a friend from the station when she was on her way out of the door. Dm wondered how many visitors would prefer to be met an hour late, but say "don't worry the airing cupboard is tidy". The airing cupboad stayed messy.

[rachelfruitloop]

If it were my DH, I'd promptly email him a link to a local cleaner's website and suggest that he request a quote!

So sorry about your dad.

[fedupofnamechanging]

if you don't feel up to tackling him now then don't worry, it'll keep. Don't give in to what he wants just for a quiet life though, or you will have more to undo later. it's possible to stand your ground quietly, without argument,just by ignoring the unreasonable requests.

You are doing a good job - you are taking care of your baby and your mum, while coping with your own grief. Don't take it to heart what he says. Just write it off as him being a berk!

[Chandon]

agree with karmabeliever.

If he doesn't appreciate you being at home with DC (as that's not all fun and games, 2 year olds can be full on) that's bad.

Sorry, but really it's bad on so many levels. He shows not love or respect for you.

[fedupofnamechanging]

No, lovely, this is not about windows at all. It's about feeling unappreciated and uncared for at a time when you desperately need your husband to look after you.

Someone who has grown up in a household where cleaning is constant and obsessive, has no real barometer to measure what is normal and what isn't. He needs to be taught about what is acceptable to expect and to say to one's partner.

[SpareRoomSleeper]

I just dont feel like I have the emotional strength as Im still grieving over my Dad. I do in short bursts like earlier but then it fizzles out quickly and leaves me very teary and emotional. All this over windows. But its not really, is it.

[fedupofnamechanging]

I don't know your background with your partner, but on the basis of this thread, I think you need to sit him down and tell him that his attitude towards your role has upset you a lot. Remind him that your job is to look after DD during the working day and everything else should be shared 50/50. A SAHM is just that someone staying at home in order to look after their child, not a housekeeper/cleaner/cook.

In reality a SAHP will do more housework, because they are there and the other partner is not, but that in no way means that all the housework is entirely your responsibility. If the state of the windows bothers him so much, perhaps he could get his arse off the sofa and clean them.

I think a gentle reminder is needed that you are his partner, not his employee!

[PhilipJFry]

I'm starting to fume on your behalf, I really am. Your father passed away a MONTH ago and he's coming home and insinuating that you should have cleaned the windows instead of seeing how you're doing?

SRS- you are NOT his Stepford Wife, or his cleaner, or anything else. And if he's reducing you to tears like this with his comments then he is wrong.

[oldenoughtowearpurple]

Ah, having heard backstory of OCD cleaner MIL maybe the answer should have been something like 'because I am not your mother. If you would prefer to live with her the door is over there'. You may wish to enhance this with some choice language just to make your strength of feeling perfeclty clear.

[PrettyMeerkat]

At least he's a recovering clean freak I suppose. Has it really got better? Do you think it will continue to get better, or is he making less open comments as he knows it pisses you off? What I mean is, is he still thinking the same even though he is acting differennt (most of the time)?

[sparkle12mar08]

Sounds like there's a fair bit of back story to this, isn't there? For what it's worth I am a slattern of a house keeper, and dh quite rightly asks me to do certain things before others if he's at the twitchy stage, but what he doesn't do, and has never done, is grind me down with criticism. Hope you can get a good nights sleep in x

[Bartimaeus]

Sorry you're upset spareroom
YANBU - it's not on for him to question what you've done and you don't have to justify anything.
Don't know what to suggest, just a very unmumsnet hug

[BooyHoo]

BTW, i still couldn't list all teh things i have done today to account for every minute of teh day. how dare your DH make you feel like this.

[Asinine]

Sorry about your dad, sounds like your priorities are correct. It's horrible that he doesn't value your work with your family

[BooyHoo]

spareroom, you have nothing to feel shit about. my ds (also jsut turned 2) is currently on hsi first full day at creche and it is absoloutely amazing how much extra time i have had today to eb able to get things done that usually only get hald done because he is so demanding. your DH really has no idea and i think he should get a taster of your days before making ridiculous comments like that.