to only want one baby?

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

DS is 15 months old.

I have struggled from day 1 with being a mum, constantly feeling like I'm getting it wrong, getting stressed and worried about every tiny thing. DS has not been a particularly 'easy' child (if there is such a thing?!) and has some problems (which we are now getting help with). I have given up work to look after him (DH works full time). TBH, I am only just starting to feel happy again and to enjoy DS and being a mum.

However, DS is now at the age where EVERYONE (from my parents to taxi drivers) are asking when we are going to start trying for another baby. When I say we have no plans to, everyone seems totally gobsmaked! Comments have included: 'Poor DS, surely you don't want him to be an only child' and 'only children grow up spoilt and selfish you know'

In my mind, if I struggled with one, how on earth will I cope with two?? Things have just got back on an even keel for me and I just want to enjoy it for a while...

So AIBU to only want one child? Or am I being as selfish as people keep implying??

[PinkSchmoo]

YANBU.
Not had time to read whole thread but want to share my experience. Similar to you had a difficult DD and really wasn't sure I ever wanted any more. Got pregnant by accident when she was 16m. I was petrified and deeply unhappy for the entire pregnancy. DS arrived 5 weeks ago.
Im exhausted, no time to draw breath but never been happier. More relaxed than I've been since DD arrived.
Dont think I would ever have chosen to have second child and delighted I had the choice taken out of my hands.

[paisleyII]

yanbu - i tried for 7 years to have another and have given up now due to age. if anyone asks me why i haven['t had more than one i tell them i am infertile! always shuts them up and makes them feel awkward which makes me happy as their comment upset me, makes me feel i have got my own back and that perhaps they will think twice before upsetting someone else who has secondary infertility. my dd has a wonderful life, so much love and laughter. i longed for years to have another, having said that, we have a fantastic life the three of us, very easy and happy, certainly no gaps or empty pockets - dd is happy, never lonely, very sociable but self contained - do what you want and if anyone criticises you, tell them to fuck off :) (in a polite way of course)

[pigletmania]

YANBU at all, I am so in your situation. My dd (aged4), was very difficult (she has social communication difficulties and speech and lang delay, awaiting an ASD dx from Paed). I struggled with dd from day one until she turned 4 in March. I would never have dreamed of having another child in the early days no way, dd was more than I could cope with. When dd turned 4, don't know why she turned a corner and she changed into a tantruming nightmare, into a child that I could reason with and start to have a conversation with even if it was a simple one. I am now pg with a dc 2 and dd will be nearly 5 when it is born. She will be mostly at school, and will be old enough to be a bit independent and better behavior wise too.

[IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp]

I have an only, due to taking several years to have her, we decided not to even try for a second. Of course we have people asking if we are 'going to giver her a brother or sister', which still annoys me to this day but she's 4 (and not spoilt) and is totally fabulous.

I used the 'I struggled so much the first time' thing as well. Soon shuts people up.

Of course YANBU.

[NoWayNoHow]

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, but your OP could have been written by me when DS was 15 months old. He is now 3.7 and whilst he is an amazing, funny and smart children, he isn't the slightest bit easier to manage, and I've not magically turned into an earth mother in the time. I still find it hard and almost unnatural, IYKWIM.

I love him to pieces, and wouldn't want my life any other way, but I'm not going to kid myself that I could possibly cope with another.

I've had people tell me that I'm being "cruel" and "selfish" for only having one child. Thankfully now that he's a little older, people have stopped asking when/if we're having another. Sadly, I think they just assume that we're unable to rather than choose not to.

I always find the double standards astonishing. No-one asks parents who have a second/third/fourth child WHY they decided to have more. Yet, parents of onlies are fair game to be interrogated on their life choice. It hacks me off to be honest.

[microserf]

YANBU, if you feel comfortable with 1, stick at 1. there is always more pressure to breed unfortunately. i have 2 and love them dearly, but sometimes it is hard work. gets easier though, but the first 6 months after dc2 was born were really intense.

[BrainSurgeon]

OP: "I always assumed I would have two DCs - close together in age - and TBH I feel like a bit of a failure for not coping better/not wanting to repeat the experience any time soon! I am actually jealous of my friends who are pregnant with No2 - not because I want another baby, but because I want to want another baby, if that makes sense?"

Are you my alter ego? You put my thoughts into words better than I could have done it

It's a tough place to be, emotionally :(

[PeterSpanswick]

YANBU! I only wanted one for several reasons already mentioned and am now seven months pregnant with our second. (happily resigned to the idea now emoticon)

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

Thanks again everyone

Pigletmania, my DS has some form of social communication disorder. His speech is coming along fine but he wont be touched/handled/spoken to by anyone but me and very close family (about 6 people in total). If anyone else tries to interact with him he either 'shuts down' which is pretty scary to watch, or goes into a total meltdown. Hence me now being a SAHM!

BrainSurgeon, it is tough. And not something that our DPs can easily understand I think?

[Malificence]

We only ever wanted one child, hence we only have DD who is now 21.

I think that once they get to school age, the nagging questions stop, at least they did from our families.
Having one child is brilliant, we've never regretted it for a moment.

DD's certainly not scarred by having no siblings, she's grown up with lots of cousins and she has tons of friends.

There are also lots of advantages of having just the one.

[BrainSurgeon]

Some more than others, OP....

[chipmonkey]

Could you just practice putting on a sad face and saying "Sadly, it's not always that easy." You dont' have to elaborate on what's not easy but they might take the hint and shut up!