to only want one baby?

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

DS is 15 months old.

I have struggled from day 1 with being a mum, constantly feeling like I'm getting it wrong, getting stressed and worried about every tiny thing. DS has not been a particularly 'easy' child (if there is such a thing?!) and has some problems (which we are now getting help with). I have given up work to look after him (DH works full time). TBH, I am only just starting to feel happy again and to enjoy DS and being a mum.

However, DS is now at the age where EVERYONE (from my parents to taxi drivers) are asking when we are going to start trying for another baby. When I say we have no plans to, everyone seems totally gobsmaked! Comments have included: 'Poor DS, surely you don't want him to be an only child' and 'only children grow up spoilt and selfish you know'

In my mind, if I struggled with one, how on earth will I cope with two?? Things have just got back on an even keel for me and I just want to enjoy it for a while...

So AIBU to only want one child? Or am I being as selfish as people keep implying??

[Nullius]

Im in a similar situation, and it is true that alot of people change their minds but I know I wont.

I do feel guilty sometimes as I didnt want an only child (am one myself) but for the sake of my sanity I decided one was enough!! There are so many factors against having another for me.

Anyway have recently found out I possibly cant have anymore, which was a bit of a relief in a way. Now I dont have to be constantly guilt tripped!!

If you come from a big family, your child really wont suffer. And I dont believe this selfish spoilt stuff, usually us only children have to try much harder at school and in social situations, havent got a sibling with us, so I found that only children make friends easier.

It is annoying when you are questioned on your choice of children, but id ask if they plan to carry it for 9 months and then give birth for you! If not, tell them to mind their own.

[jellybeans]

YANBU at all. Nothing wrong with having one child.

[luvviemum]

Your are defo not being unreasonable! I couldn't even consider the possibility of trying for a second child until dd was almost three. Becoming a mother turned my world upside down but I do agree with some of the comments that it is a lot less stressful second time round. Your life has already undergone the big change of becoming a parent and you understand how everything works in kiddie world.
Anyway, we had our second and I adore him but that's definitely us done and dusted! How many children you have is a very personal choice and nobody else's business at the end of the day.

[pranma]

It is entirely your business-you and your dh.I was an only and always vowed never to have just one-now I am old I wish so much I had a sibling to share my memories but it hasnt actually harmed me in any way.

[Ephiny]

YANBU - it's completely your choice and none of anyone else's business. People can be so rude and insensitive, I'd never dream of even asking someone that question, never mind pressuring them to have children they don't want (what possible good outcome can result from that??)

Point the 'oh the poor only child' people to this article - the stereotypes are not true, and you're likely to be happier with one child than several!

[LaundryFairy]

YANBU. Gosh - reading your OP - I could have written the same thing myself almost word for word 6 years ago...

Even though I knew that I would be much happier (and more sane!) with one child, I found it hard to let go of the 'ideal' family notion of two or more children that I had carried around with me for so many years. That was the real reason why everyone's questions about the next baby really got to me.

But I stuck to what I really knew to be the right choice for me, my DH and DS (I knew that I could not be the mother to DS that I wanted to be if I was falling apart at the seams trying to look after a second child).

DS turned 8 this year and I am SO pleased that I chose what I did. We have a great family life, which keeps getting better as he gets older.

Be brave - stick to to what you know about yourself. The more confident you are with your own choice, the less other's comments will get to you.

[BrainSurgeon]

OP I have the same problem, but possibly slightly worse, in that my DP really really wants a second child, whilst I don't (mostly for the same reasons as you). Don't want to hijack the thread but I'm really :( and don't know what to do

YADNBU, hope you find a way to keep those who upset you at bay - I agree with the other posters here, not much else you can do and yes they will take a while to stop bothering you

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

Of course YANBU

I only have one DS who is 8, almost 9. I have just turned 40 and people still ask me when I am having another. I just swat them away like flies, a well practiced art!!

[MrsBethel]

YANBU

What you think.
What other people think.

When it comes to you having children, which is more important? On a scale of 0 to 10, how important is each? About 10 and 0.01 respectively, I reckon.

[catwhiskers10]

brainsurgeon just want to say you're not alone, my DH wants more DC too but at the moment accepts that I don't want any more, I hope it doesn't cause problems in the future though as I feel he is hoping I will change my mind in time.

[Rowgtfc72]

Betty , I agree. Dd is four and people still ask me when Im having another one . Im forty next year and have perfected the hard stare and definitive "never " .

[MamaVoo]

YANBU. "Good god no" is my standard answer and shuts most people up.

What I find even more annoying is when people tell me, in a really patronising tone, that I'll change my mind and want another. Because obviously total strangers know me better than I know myself

[katvond]

YANBU they are
We only wanted one and we are happy with one.
Tell these people to butt out and mind their own business
I've had people as us why only one, we said because that's all we wanted then they've had to cheek to say our DD must be a difficult child, these people are no longer our friends. Arseoles :)

[Scholes34]

It's yours and DH's decision, no-one else's, but don't believe what anyone says about the second child being the easiest. Mine was by far the hardest. It's the third that's the easiest by far!

[MrsTumbles]

YANBU. My DD is 2.9 and we are a happy unit. She is an 'easy' child, but DH and I are happy with one and are keeping things that way. I too was an 'easy' child, so my Mum had my DB, who was a nightmare up until starting school (lovely man now though!)

I always thought I'd have 2 DC's, but love the way that life is, and so does DH. We just feel if it ain't broke, don't fix it (and twins run in his family, so I'd run a good chance of ending up with 3 !)

[ipswichwitch]

i don't get why people can't keep their daft opinions to themselves. i'm pregnant with twins and believe it or not have already been asked if we'll be having any more!! ffs, i've not even had these two yet!

[WakeUpRosemary]

I have a DS who's 3.7. I'm the only one of my peer group of mums who hasn't had another (some are on to their third) and I find they are the most adamant that I should have another. Even though I'm going back to college in September, I still get told I can have a baby when I'm finished my course. I feel sometimes that they find my decision to have one is an insult to those who've had more, that they think I'm uppity, that I feel I'm 'above' having more. I wonder has anyone else felt this as it's actually making me uncomfortable around them.

[TandB]

I was brought up as an only child and I am very nice.

[diabolo]

You might change your mind.

I didn't.

My DS is 11 now and I have never regretted only having the one. Both my DH and I grew up with massive sibling problems and just did not want that to happen to our son.

I occasionally worry that he is lonely, but he says he isn't. He's got loads of friends, who he sees a lot and when he is a little older, he knows he can bring friends on holiday, or away for weekends with us.

I don't know why other people are so keen to try to tell others how to live their lives. Do what you feel is right, and if you change your mind later - fine. You are allowed to.

[UniS]

YANBU

one is fun.

[FabbyChic]

Have a five year gap, I did and its perfect, they also get on extremely well and always have done, they are now 23 and 18.

[begonyabampot]

I was just like you though i knew if i had children i wanted more than one but I did struggle and found it hard and my first wasn't easy. I waited a while and now have another child (3 yr age gap) and he was easy peasy and I managed easier with 2 than I did with one. Love having the 2 and so glad i did but there are no rules and you do what you feel is best for your family - you also still really have a baby and have plenty of time if you decide to have another.

[northernrock]

I have one(4) and would love another but would have to find someone to actually have sex with me first!
However when ds was 15 months nothing on earth would have persuaded me.
You may change your mind later so don't sweat it.
My best friend and her brother are four years apart and although didn't play together much as kids are now really good friends and actually hang out together a lot.
My advice when people ask you about more kids is just fix them with a hard stare and say "mind your own business."

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and for the article Ephiny.

brainsurgeon and catwhiskers10 I'm sorry to hear that you are having similar problems - although it's also reassuring to know that I am not the only one struggling with this!

LaundryFairy I think you're right. I find the comments hard to deal with because I always assumed I would have two DCs - close together in age - and TBH I feel like a bit of a failure for not coping better/not wanting to repeat the experience any time soon! I am actually jealous of my friends who are pregnant with No2 - not because I want another baby, but because I want to want another baby, if that makes sense?

Anyway, thanks again for letting me know IANBU. And I'll start working on my 'mind your own business' replies

[BsshBossh]

YANBU. I have one child by choice, I was an "only" child, I'm very happy with that and tell people so. Usually telling people that I was a happy only child and I am happy with "just" my DD shuts people up quickly.