to only want one baby?

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

DS is 15 months old.

I have struggled from day 1 with being a mum, constantly feeling like I'm getting it wrong, getting stressed and worried about every tiny thing. DS has not been a particularly 'easy' child (if there is such a thing?!) and has some problems (which we are now getting help with). I have given up work to look after him (DH works full time). TBH, I am only just starting to feel happy again and to enjoy DS and being a mum.

However, DS is now at the age where EVERYONE (from my parents to taxi drivers) are asking when we are going to start trying for another baby. When I say we have no plans to, everyone seems totally gobsmaked! Comments have included: 'Poor DS, surely you don't want him to be an only child' and 'only children grow up spoilt and selfish you know'

In my mind, if I struggled with one, how on earth will I cope with two?? Things have just got back on an even keel for me and I just want to enjoy it for a while...

So AIBU to only want one child? Or am I being as selfish as people keep implying??

[chipmonkey]

Could you just practice putting on a sad face and saying "Sadly, it's not always that easy." You dont' have to elaborate on what's not easy but they might take the hint and shut up!

[BrainSurgeon]

Some more than others, OP....

[Malificence]

We only ever wanted one child, hence we only have DD who is now 21.

I think that once they get to school age, the nagging questions stop, at least they did from our families.
Having one child is brilliant, we've never regretted it for a moment.

DD's certainly not scarred by having no siblings, she's grown up with lots of cousins and she has tons of friends.

There are also lots of advantages of having just the one.

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

Thanks again everyone

Pigletmania, my DS has some form of social communication disorder. His speech is coming along fine but he wont be touched/handled/spoken to by anyone but me and very close family (about 6 people in total). If anyone else tries to interact with him he either 'shuts down' which is pretty scary to watch, or goes into a total meltdown. Hence me now being a SAHM!

BrainSurgeon, it is tough. And not something that our DPs can easily understand I think?

[PeterSpanswick]

YANBU! I only wanted one for several reasons already mentioned and am now seven months pregnant with our second. (happily resigned to the idea now emoticon)

[BrainSurgeon]

OP: "I always assumed I would have two DCs - close together in age - and TBH I feel like a bit of a failure for not coping better/not wanting to repeat the experience any time soon! I am actually jealous of my friends who are pregnant with No2 - not because I want another baby, but because I want to want another baby, if that makes sense?"

Are you my alter ego? You put my thoughts into words better than I could have done it

It's a tough place to be, emotionally :(

[microserf]

YANBU, if you feel comfortable with 1, stick at 1. there is always more pressure to breed unfortunately. i have 2 and love them dearly, but sometimes it is hard work. gets easier though, but the first 6 months after dc2 was born were really intense.

[NoWayNoHow]

Sorry haven't read the whole thread, but your OP could have been written by me when DS was 15 months old. He is now 3.7 and whilst he is an amazing, funny and smart children, he isn't the slightest bit easier to manage, and I've not magically turned into an earth mother in the time. I still find it hard and almost unnatural, IYKWIM.

I love him to pieces, and wouldn't want my life any other way, but I'm not going to kid myself that I could possibly cope with another.

I've had people tell me that I'm being "cruel" and "selfish" for only having one child. Thankfully now that he's a little older, people have stopped asking when/if we're having another. Sadly, I think they just assume that we're unable to rather than choose not to.

I always find the double standards astonishing. No-one asks parents who have a second/third/fourth child WHY they decided to have more. Yet, parents of onlies are fair game to be interrogated on their life choice. It hacks me off to be honest.

[IWantToBeAFairyWhenIGrowUp]

I have an only, due to taking several years to have her, we decided not to even try for a second. Of course we have people asking if we are 'going to giver her a brother or sister', which still annoys me to this day but she's 4 (and not spoilt) and is totally fabulous.

I used the 'I struggled so much the first time' thing as well. Soon shuts people up.

Of course YANBU.

[pigletmania]

YANBU at all, I am so in your situation. My dd (aged4), was very difficult (she has social communication difficulties and speech and lang delay, awaiting an ASD dx from Paed). I struggled with dd from day one until she turned 4 in March. I would never have dreamed of having another child in the early days no way, dd was more than I could cope with. When dd turned 4, don't know why she turned a corner and she changed into a tantruming nightmare, into a child that I could reason with and start to have a conversation with even if it was a simple one. I am now pg with a dc 2 and dd will be nearly 5 when it is born. She will be mostly at school, and will be old enough to be a bit independent and better behavior wise too.

[paisleyII]

yanbu - i tried for 7 years to have another and have given up now due to age. if anyone asks me why i haven['t had more than one i tell them i am infertile! always shuts them up and makes them feel awkward which makes me happy as their comment upset me, makes me feel i have got my own back and that perhaps they will think twice before upsetting someone else who has secondary infertility. my dd has a wonderful life, so much love and laughter. i longed for years to have another, having said that, we have a fantastic life the three of us, very easy and happy, certainly no gaps or empty pockets - dd is happy, never lonely, very sociable but self contained - do what you want and if anyone criticises you, tell them to fuck off :) (in a polite way of course)

[PinkSchmoo]

YANBU.
Not had time to read whole thread but want to share my experience. Similar to you had a difficult DD and really wasn't sure I ever wanted any more. Got pregnant by accident when she was 16m. I was petrified and deeply unhappy for the entire pregnancy. DS arrived 5 weeks ago.
Im exhausted, no time to draw breath but never been happier. More relaxed than I've been since DD arrived.
Dont think I would ever have chosen to have second child and delighted I had the choice taken out of my hands.

[BsshBossh]

YANBU. I have one child by choice, I was an "only" child, I'm very happy with that and tell people so. Usually telling people that I was a happy only child and I am happy with "just" my DD shuts people up quickly.

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

Thanks everyone for your replies, and for the article Ephiny.

brainsurgeon and catwhiskers10 I'm sorry to hear that you are having similar problems - although it's also reassuring to know that I am not the only one struggling with this!

LaundryFairy I think you're right. I find the comments hard to deal with because I always assumed I would have two DCs - close together in age - and TBH I feel like a bit of a failure for not coping better/not wanting to repeat the experience any time soon! I am actually jealous of my friends who are pregnant with No2 - not because I want another baby, but because I want to want another baby, if that makes sense?

Anyway, thanks again for letting me know IANBU. And I'll start working on my 'mind your own business' replies

[northernrock]

I have one(4) and would love another but would have to find someone to actually have sex with me first!
However when ds was 15 months nothing on earth would have persuaded me.
You may change your mind later so don't sweat it.
My best friend and her brother are four years apart and although didn't play together much as kids are now really good friends and actually hang out together a lot.
My advice when people ask you about more kids is just fix them with a hard stare and say "mind your own business."

[begonyabampot]

I was just like you though i knew if i had children i wanted more than one but I did struggle and found it hard and my first wasn't easy. I waited a while and now have another child (3 yr age gap) and he was easy peasy and I managed easier with 2 than I did with one. Love having the 2 and so glad i did but there are no rules and you do what you feel is best for your family - you also still really have a baby and have plenty of time if you decide to have another.

[FabbyChic]

Have a five year gap, I did and its perfect, they also get on extremely well and always have done, they are now 23 and 18.

[UniS]

YANBU

one is fun.

[diabolo]

You might change your mind.

I didn't.

My DS is 11 now and I have never regretted only having the one. Both my DH and I grew up with massive sibling problems and just did not want that to happen to our son.

I occasionally worry that he is lonely, but he says he isn't. He's got loads of friends, who he sees a lot and when he is a little older, he knows he can bring friends on holiday, or away for weekends with us.

I don't know why other people are so keen to try to tell others how to live their lives. Do what you feel is right, and if you change your mind later - fine. You are allowed to.

[TandB]

I was brought up as an only child and I am very nice.

[WakeUpRosemary]

I have a DS who's 3.7. I'm the only one of my peer group of mums who hasn't had another (some are on to their third) and I find they are the most adamant that I should have another. Even though I'm going back to college in September, I still get told I can have a baby when I'm finished my course. I feel sometimes that they find my decision to have one is an insult to those who've had more, that they think I'm uppity, that I feel I'm 'above' having more. I wonder has anyone else felt this as it's actually making me uncomfortable around them.

[ipswichwitch]

i don't get why people can't keep their daft opinions to themselves. i'm pregnant with twins and believe it or not have already been asked if we'll be having any more!! ffs, i've not even had these two yet!

[MrsTumbles]

YANBU. My DD is 2.9 and we are a happy unit. She is an 'easy' child, but DH and I are happy with one and are keeping things that way. I too was an 'easy' child, so my Mum had my DB, who was a nightmare up until starting school (lovely man now though!)

I always thought I'd have 2 DC's, but love the way that life is, and so does DH. We just feel if it ain't broke, don't fix it (and twins run in his family, so I'd run a good chance of ending up with 3 !)

[Scholes34]

It's yours and DH's decision, no-one else's, but don't believe what anyone says about the second child being the easiest. Mine was by far the hardest. It's the third that's the easiest by far!

[katvond]

YANBU they are
We only wanted one and we are happy with one.
Tell these people to butt out and mind their own business
I've had people as us why only one, we said because that's all we wanted then they've had to cheek to say our DD must be a difficult child, these people are no longer our friends. Arseoles :)