To count the refusals for my wedding rather than acceptances.

[oohlaalaa]

I'm getting married this summer. I'm very fortunate in that my parents are self-made millionaires. They are rather showy, unlike me and DP, and are insisting on paying for the day and having a big knees-up. Think five course meal and free bar all day for 200 guests.

If it was up to me we'd have a very small do, with a bbq in the garden for about 40 guests. However my parents will not let me have any alternative hippy wedding (their words), I have three brothers, and so as the only daughter, they want a big flash wedding for me. Also DP is quite traditional, and is now looking forward to the wedding. I have basically been bulldozed into this wedding. At the end of the day, I get to marry my wonderful DP, and the wedding is only one day.

DP and I are much more introverted than our parents, our friends total 34 of the guests, with the rest being parents and in-law friends and family. We do both come from big families.

I am rather nervous by the numbers, and count the refusals that come in, rather than acceptances.

I was reading another tread about children at wedding, and Bride and Groom being disappointed when guests could not come. My feelings are that as long as they are not my best friends or closest family, I just look at it that we have been polite in inviting them, and now they are not coming, we get a slightly more intimate wedding, and my parents do not have to pay for them.

Am I mean? Was anyone else pleased when they got a refusal?

[MamaLazarou]

If you want a 10k wedding, spend 10k on a wedding.

If you can't afford a big wedding, don't have a big wedding.

If you want your parents to pay for the wedding but have no other input, ask them to.

If you are happy for them to pay for your wedding AND organise it to their own tastes, then shut up whingeing about it and smile nicely for the photos.

Your parents sound very 'new money' putting their love for ostentatious displays of wealth over their daughter's happiness.

[InMyPrime]

It sounds like you're fairly OK with your situation so I'm not sure why you've posted an AIBU about this. You wanted a small wedding but are going through with a flashier, elaborate one to please your parents and wider family. There's nothing wrong with that as long as it's not causing you exceptional stress or putting strain on your relationship with your DP etc. You say you've decided that the wedding is not just your day but also a special day for your parents, as your their only daughter and they feel they have community/family obligations to have a big wedding. That's sounds fine to me. If they're businesspeople, it's quite common to do this. My cousin's wedding was like that - 350 guests, elaborate venue and all the trappings - because his wife's family are businesspeople and where I'm from (Ireland) a wedding is seen as a community event, not just a personal choice by the bride and groom to celebrate their relationship so I would see that as perfectly normal.

If you're nervous about it or it's keeping you awake at night, then I would understand your dilemma but it looks like you've resigned yourself to going along with family duty rather than individual preference, which is fair enough if that's what's important to you. Not much of a dilemma here, really??

[ScaredOfCows]

All that money spent on something you don't even want, just because your parents are overbearing .

Hope it works out ok for you on the day.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Sorry, I can't really reconcile the idea of "hugely supportive parents" who impose their preferences on you for your wedding day. IMO the two are incompatible.

[aldiwhore]

YANBU to have a satisfied private smile when a refusal comes in, and I also think that it IS just one day, so roll with it... you and your DH-to-be can celebrate in your own way. You'll still end up his wife, and that's the important thing.

I made a few concessions to my parent's wishes, and I was damn stubborn about other things... get that balance right and there's no reason it will cause problems of resentment for you, nor will it make your folks feel like they can dictate everything in your marriage.

You talk about preference, which is fine, but you don't say you're absolutely dreading your wedding, in which case it sounds like its not everything you'd hate but rather simply just something you wouldn't choose if you had total control... just make sure you DO stick up for yourself over the things that are important to you, now and in the future. I allowed my parent's to have 'their' day as well as 'mine', my dad was beaming with pride, my mum in bits, I wouldn't exchange that for a hog roast (which is what I wanted), I'll have that on my 40th, when it really is just about me and what I want.

[MamaLazarou]

With reference to InMyPrime's post: IMO it's terribly vulgar to turn a wedding into a business networking opportunity. It's a day for celebration of love, not money. Maybe I am old-fashioned.

[InMyPrime]

You've misunderstood me, MamaLazrou: it's not about turning a wedding into a business opportunity, it's a case of businesspeople returning their obligations to the community as employers, good citizens and prominent local figures (if applicable) in order to maintain goodwill in a tightknit community. That's how it would be seen in the culture I come from at least. They wouldn't be marketing their business obviously but would be keeping up good relations with their many contacts, friends, associates. It's about being part of a community of people who have expectations of you and has nothing to do with individual preferences or personal gain.

[oohlaalaa]

Thanks everyone.

I posted in AIBU, because my parents think it is awful of me to be pleased when we get a refusal in the post. I wondered if I was being really horrible, to be pleased with refusals.

I am at one with the wedding, yes I got to choose my own dress and bridesmaid dresses etc. Also get to choose flowers, and I'm trying to make sure the decor is more rustic than opulent. I also got a say in the band (we chose a swing band). It is just not the relaxed small affair I'd have chosen myself.

Yes, my parents are new money. Not sure whether it would make any difference if it is old money.

goeasypudding thank you for your comments. It is very important to me that my DP and family all enjoy the wedding. I would rather make the compromises, and have them all happy. I want to compormise, and have some of us all of us, squeezed in. DP and I are terribly fortunate to have such generous parents, I would just prefer a much smaller do. All the guests seem very excited about the wedding, I suspect it is just me.

My parents are terribly excited ofcourse, much more so than me and DP.

[MamaLazarou]

Thanks for clarifying, IMP, but I still think a wedding isn't the place for it. There are plenty of other opportunities for maintaining goodwill and public profiles without making someone else's wedding the focus for it.

[StickyFloor]

I was in a similar position to you, although I like to defend myself because (a) I was a silly girl of 19 and (b) we did not have a penny so it was their way or not at all.

Effectively I wanted to get married so the deal was they pay for it and do what they want. Whatever else you say it comes across as you letting them pay so you don't have to touch your savings, so they have the right to do what they want.

FWIW I spent the whole wedding day feeling uncomfortable and still cringe when I remember my wedding day, many many years on. I honestly do not have many happy memories because it was SO not me.

I did however learn my lesson that it is better to grow up and pay my own way and have control over my life, than, frankly, allow my parents to control my life with their money.

[MamaLazarou]

"I posted in AIBU, because my parents think it is awful of me to be pleased when we get a refusal in the post."

Then don't tell them. You don't want to spoil their wedding - it's their big day, after all.

[MamaLazarou]

"I am at one with the wedding, yes I got to choose my own dress and bridesmaid dresses etc. Also get to choose flowers, and I'm trying to make sure the decor is more rustic than opulent. I also got a say in the band (we chose a swing band)."

This is a bit different from your OP which stated that you had been 'bulldozed' into it, and that your only input was the decor and hymns.

[eurochick]

"My parents are terribly excited of course, much more so than me and DP."

As someone else said, it's their second wedding, not yours. This makes me sad. Yes, it's only one day out of your marriage, but it is your day, not thiers.

I got married last year and we wanted something small and not flashy, with a focus on good food and drink. So that is what we had. We kept control by paying for it ourselves, even though both sets of parents could easily have afforded it, and offered several times to help out. We let each side contribute one smallish thing (smoked salmon from a local fishery from his, a wedding cake from mine) and let them each invite one couple that were friends of theirs. This meant it was still our day but one that they had contributed to and could enjoy because they had mates they could relax with in the evening.

Getting to your original question, I did get happy when some refusals came in. We wanted around 50 people, including each of us inviting a couple of people from work. Unfortuantely, that didn't really work, so we invited our full departments to the evening do (but hoped they wouldn't accept and most of them didn't). So I was happy when those refusals came in.

[oohlaalaa]

MamLazarou - "Then don't tell them. You don't want to spoil their wedding - it's their big day, after all."

Oh, my parents are not that much of dictators that we cannot have a lively discussion. We tend to argue and debate like everyone else. Hell, if it was completely up to them, the wedding would be even more ostentatious.

InMyPrime - you are right, a big wedding is expected, and they have invited their employees to the wedding. Along with this, they have all the neighbours, and their tenants at the night do.

[WhatsWrongWithYou]

I don't understand why your parents have to know about you being pleased at refusals either.
Surely if you've reconciled yourself to the 'bulldozing' there's no reason to try and prove you're independent after all by spoiling it for your parents.
Comes across as ungracious and petulant, IMO.

[oohlaalaa]

MamaLazarou - I was considering the wedding dress to be part of the decor! I think choosing the band, is different to choosing the venue, guest numbers, and what food is served. I suppose I was also lumping band into decor!

[oohlaalaa]

eurochick - perhaps we should have paid. Perfectly selfish reason for this, DP and I did not want to have to raid our savings, when parents wanted to pay, with not having to raid savings. We prefered to compromise on wedding, and keep our money for a rainy day.

My parents are very sociable and would have hated to only have a couple of friends.

I am reconciled with the wedding, and pleased to hear I am not the only person to be happy with refusals.

[JemimaMop]

We only had 10 guests at our wedding.

10 years later my inlaws (who are very-well-to-do-in-the-community dontcha know ) still haven't entirely forgiven me.

So YANBU. But I still think you should have stuck to your guns a bit more.

[MamaLazarou]

Well, I hope you manage to have a wonderful day without any resentment or regrets.

My husband and I sneaked off to the registry office one Friday afternoon and got married in secret, so I guess you and I are just worlds apart! I wouldn't let anyone tell me what to do for all the money in the world.

[InMyPrime]

I think it is just a difference between a wedding between a private event for a couple and an event that 'belongs' to a community of people, MamaLazarou. In the context I'm talking about for my cousin's wedding (not sure if this applies to the OP but it sounds like it might), the business associates, employees, contacts etc would actually expect to be invited to the wedding and would be mortally offended if they weren't. The parents saying 'my daughter and her fiance wanted a quiet wedding with their own friends' would most definitely not cut the mustard. An only daughter's wedding would definitely be the main highlight of your life in terms of maintaining your status in a community. Anything else would unleash MN judgey-pants attitudes to the power of 10 from all your neighbours, friends etc...!

[ClaireDeLoon]

But you said your DP is rich, surely in that case it wouldn't have been a stretch at all to pay £10k for your wedding? You say you didn't want to use savings but that sounds a little unbelievable when you're marrying a 'rich' man. Then you could have had a wdding to suit you both. All sounds a little far fetched as to why not just plan and pay for it yourself tbh.

[MamaLazarou]

That sounds horrendous, IMP!

[oohlaalaa]

StickyFloor and WhatsWrongWithYou - yes we should be paying, to get completely our own way, and yes you are right I am being petulent letting parents know I am pleased with refusals. Seeing that we are letting them host the day, we should just get on with it. Thanks for putting this into perspective.

I dont think I will have regrets about the day, as it is only one day of my life, and my parents will love it, and I am pleased that they will have a wonderful day. I suspect we will enjoy it too. No, the wedding is not me, but hopefully parts of the day will be me.

MamaLazarou - I would love to elope with DP. Your afternoon wedding sounds lovely, and I like that it was just about the two of you. Unfortunately, DP would hate this. He is very traditional, and wants the church wedding, and his family and best friends present, just not the same size and opulence that my parents want.

[oohlaalaa]

ClaireDeLoon - by rich, with parents help and DP's money, we were able to buy a four bed cottage with a few acres in the countyside, without a mortgage. DP put all his savings into this. He has a very good income, but not as much as parents. Similarly to me, DP has well-off parents. His sister had a similar wedding to what I am having, except it was what she wanted.

I think part of it, is that my parents are significantly richer, than DP's parents, and for me to have had a smaller wedding, would have embarrassed them. Sorry, I know that sounds awful, and i am in complete agreement that a wedding should not be a competition.