To count the refusals for my wedding rather than acceptances.

[oohlaalaa]

I'm getting married this summer. I'm very fortunate in that my parents are self-made millionaires. They are rather showy, unlike me and DP, and are insisting on paying for the day and having a big knees-up. Think five course meal and free bar all day for 200 guests.

If it was up to me we'd have a very small do, with a bbq in the garden for about 40 guests. However my parents will not let me have any alternative hippy wedding (their words), I have three brothers, and so as the only daughter, they want a big flash wedding for me. Also DP is quite traditional, and is now looking forward to the wedding. I have basically been bulldozed into this wedding. At the end of the day, I get to marry my wonderful DP, and the wedding is only one day.

DP and I are much more introverted than our parents, our friends total 34 of the guests, with the rest being parents and in-law friends and family. We do both come from big families.

I am rather nervous by the numbers, and count the refusals that come in, rather than acceptances.

I was reading another tread about children at wedding, and Bride and Groom being disappointed when guests could not come. My feelings are that as long as they are not my best friends or closest family, I just look at it that we have been polite in inviting them, and now they are not coming, we get a slightly more intimate wedding, and my parents do not have to pay for them.

Am I mean? Was anyone else pleased when they got a refusal?

[IslaValargeone]

I will confess from the outset that I can't offer any unbiased advice, as I'm soo envious. My now dh's parents were so meh about us getting married it wounded him to the core. We ended up going away just the two of us and getting two witnesses off the street. Whilst elements of that scenario were very romantic, and arguably very 'us'; ultimately I don't think he's ever got over their lack of interest. And I know if someone was offering me a day with bells and whistles I'd bite their hand off I think.
Whatever you decide though, have a lovely day.

[FabbyChic]

What no disco? How can you dance to oops up side your head with a swing band?

[kickassangel]

actually, it can be easier to be less the centre of attention if you're at a big do. know who you want to speak to, and spend some time with them. people you don't know - smile & nod, say 'i hope you're having a lovely time, it's so nice to see you' then spot Great Aunt Beatrice or whoever & excuse yourself to go & sit with them for a while.
if there's plenty of free booze & your dad's the sociable type then everyone will think it's been a wonderful time.

if you had a smaller do, everyone would be expecting to talk to you all the time & you wouldn't be able to hide in a big crowd.

in fact - could you hire a body double to waft around, smiling serenely, while you lurk in the background?

[oohlaalaa]

Thank you excellentadventure - I'm glad I make sense to you! I'm probably being a bit too much of a moaner on this thread.

[excellentadventure]

I'm on your wavelength, oohlaalaa. I think you're being incredibly tactful with your replies to other posters. It was inevitable that your situation would stir up jealousy in some quarters, so take no notice of the stirrers

[oohlaalaa]

Also, I suppose it is quite a formal church do, when I'm not that sort of person. But, hey I'm sure everyone will have lots of fun. I can't imagine it being that formal - with a free bar, and my extended crazy family all being invited. Also some of my friends will not let it be a well behaved / sophisticated wedding.

[excellentadventure]

worldgonecrazy I think the whole idea is extremely naff. Throw an anniversary party by all means, but the idea of trying to repeat a wedding day is just ridiculous in my opinion.

[oohlaalaa]

Excellentaventure - it is basically the intimidating number, and that I will not know all the guests. I just prefer small gatherings.

I'm just getting sidetracked in replies, justifying why we are not paying for wedding ourselves, so as to get exactly what we want. Also explaining why paying for our own wedding, would upset my parents.

[excellentadventure]

When I read the original post, I got the impression that it was the large number of guests that OP found a bit intimidating. Some of the replies give the impression that she is complaining about much more than that, and I don't think she is.

[oohlaalaa]

Good point PorkChopSter - I don't think they ever will take a back seat in my life. I quite like having them around though. We do argue, but it is all quite healthy, and I know they always want what is best for me. My dad is a strong character, and both me and my brothers, have our moments where we fall out with him, but he's very much a family man, just rather domineering. Dad always says he likes the fact that we do not revere him, and can tell him to get knotted. . Yes, we're an unusual family.

I should probably stick up to parents more, especially at 29, but they have this awful habit of being right!!

[worldgonecrazy]

excellent adventure - many people said vows that were just words written by someone else because that is "how things are done". If they had a Registry Office wedding they may not have made any vows at all. Maybe they want to celebrate their marriage in their own words and say words that they have written themselves and make much more meaningful vows before close friends and family? It's not about making the first lot of vows meaningless, it's about putting their own personality into the occasion. In a reversal of the OPs problems, some people can't afford a big fancy first wedding and in later years, when they have money, want the fairytale big wedding. Many people are rail-roaded into a wedding they don't really want. A renewal of vows means they can do things their own way.

[PorkChopSter]

The point I'm trying to make, is that you are saying that you are Taking This One For the Team because it means so much to your parents.

But: this is your wedding day. The only one you will have (to this DH, anyway ) and if they do not see that you have a right to have your own opinion on it and do it the way you want to, then when exactly are they going to take a back seat in your life?

[oohlaalaa]

ooh kickassangel, the alone time in a scenic spot, sounds a wonderful idea. Thank you.

[oohlaalaa]

Carrotsandcelery - you describe the situation so much more eloquently than me. Yes, thanks to mumsnet, I can see that I was in the wrong to let my parents know that I was pleased when a refusal arrived!

[kickassangel]

i think you're actually compromising quite well.

when i got married, i just went along with what was expected. my ideal was a quick 'yep you're married' then down the pub for some fun. however, my parents wanted something traditional. it would have really upset them, and dh's family, if we'd been too controversial. i decided that what i wnated was just to get married. so i let them organise it & had my say about colours etc, but apart from that, i just went with the flow. (i also lived 250 miles from them, but was getting married there as i grew up there, so practically, it made sense to let them do it)

no point in being a bridezilla & upsetting everyone - i got married & they got the boring traditional family do they wanted.

also, it's not unusual for someone who owns/runs a company to be expected to host for their employees & they would prob have some people muttering about them being 'tight' if they didn't invite everyone, so i can see where they're coming from about that.

just go with the flow & try not to stress. it is only one day, and if you're getting married to the man you love, then that counts for more.

try to think of it as if it was a big christmas party your parents were hosting - you'd be expected to play 'daughter of the host' for that, and it's a similar thing.

i like the idea of getting some time alone - can you & dp sneak in some time - one of my friends got in her car after the church, then turned up at the reception after everyone else - they'd gone to some scenic woods & had a drink (or maybe something else?) before they turned up for the next bit.

[excellentadventure]

Oh yes, celebrating anniversaries is fine. Plenty of scope for parties and other treats there! :)

It's this renewing vows thing that I find ridiculous.

[Carrotsandcelery]

I think a lot of people have the wedding their parents want, being allowed to choose dresses (ish), flowers, invite a few of their own guests etc.

That was the old fashioned and traditional way.

There would be a lot of parents out there who had saved all their lives and anticipated the day.

It could be seen as very gracious of a daughter to allow her parents the day they have looked forward to since her birth.

There is no right or wrong way of doing these things. Different families work in different ways.

I understand your relief oohlaalaa. It is not that you send these guests any malice, it just reduces the numbers for the day and makes your wedding a little closer to what you wanted.

I do think you should keep that relief to yourself though. If you are giving your parents your day then you have to try to do it wholeheartedly iyswim.

[oohlaalaa]

excellentadventure, must admit not one for renewing vows either. We'll have to celebrate our diamond wedding anniversary, with an informal garden party instead.

I'm sure when you get to say 40 years of married life, it is not the wedding day that sticks out in your memory.

[oohlaalaa]

Oh PorkChopSter, you do make me giggle.

Your comments on private education, are rather presumptuous. My parents are not into private education, and I doubt would agree to pay for grandchildrens schooling. I suspect they may have felt differently if they'd been privately educated.

My DP parents could have afforded to pay for his education, but similarly chose not to. DP and his sister have both been very successful from their local state schools. His parents did pay for private tuition though, for any subjects that they felt were not taught that well. My DP wants us to do something similar.

I went to the local primary school until I was 11, as parents were always reinvesting their money into business, and we did not have the lifestyle that we have today. I went to private school at 11, and was bullied. Parents then decided to let me join my friends at the local state school, where I was much happier. At 16, I went to a different private school for my A Levels. I enjoyed it better second time round.

None of my brothers went to private school. Two of my brothers are older, and started at the local schools. One of my brothers attended a special needs school. My younger brother refused point blank. He enjoyed the local primary school, and wanted to go to the secondary with all his mates.

My brothers all work within the family business, and are super duper at their jobs, and very hard working.

My parents may be flash, but they do not try to be something they are not, and have never acquired any posh accents etc.

Sorry, I know you dont need my life history, but I just wanted you to know that just becuase someone can afford private education, does not mean they pay for it.

Yes, you are probably right, I would let my parents help out financially, if we were struggling.

Yes, I should have stood strong over the wedding, but I didn't as it seemed to be very important to them, and its too late now.

[excellentadventure]

What is this crap about "renewing vows" all about? Why would you want to renew them? It suggests you didn't really mean it the first time.

Is it about getting more presents?

[PorkChopSter]

Op, why don't you suggest that your parents renew their vows, then they can have the wedding they never got to have - and you can do whatever you want to do for your wedding.

And, if they think (know) they can buy your wedding, of course they are going to buy your children! I can see a thread in a few years from you:

Yes, most people do pay for private education with savings, but if they had parents wanting to pay, who could afford it very easily, I doubt most people would still be paying.

If my parents could not easily afford to pay for private education, then DP and I would obviously be paying. I think it would be better if we were paying in many respects, as we could have which school we wanted.

Yes, the school should not be their choice. However, we have had generous gifts to help buy our home, and throughout my life I have had hugely supportive parents. Not just financially but emotionally too. I am not about to upset them over a school. It is not a normal situation

Your words Draw a line, you're a grown up now.

[oohlaalaa]

PMSL - ShatnersBassoon - yes, that's why I would never moan to RL friends. They would think me rediculous!!

[ShatnersBassoon]

Gawd, it reads like the plot of something you're forced to pick from the 'so rubbish it got left in the room by foreign guest' bookshelf of a 2* pension in Austria when everything in town is shut and you've read your bought-at-the-airport Take a Break from cover to cover eight times.

I don't know if I feel sorry for you, having riches foisted upon you from every direction when all you want is a hog roast and a mobile disco in the garden, or if I just want to give you a shake and scream 'Let them pay! They're loaded! Order extra champagne!'

[vintageteacups]

I can safely say that myself, along with most of my married friends, have all said how we would do it all differently if we could do the day again.

We had a big forces wedding with about 120 people to the day do and 150 at night. My parents and DH's were keen to invite their friends and felt that they should as they were helping to contribute (pay for their guests plus a bit extra).

You really should have been more assertive with your parents but hey,ho, it's a bit late now. And if they are actually paying for the whole thing, I guess you can't really moan; it's their money so let them be lavish if that's what they want.

You could always have an intimate (friends only) blessing on your first anniversary and make it much more what you want.

Anyway - back to the question, I was definitely happy when some refusals came in because we had an A list and a B list . Once we knew some of the A list people couldn't come, we could then post out the B list invites.

Don't worry - see this day as the 'official' day and then do your own blessing thing.