to be surprised by this reaction to a reasonable request

[Namechanger2011]

Namechanger and I want to be fairly vague as I'm worried about being outed and pissing off the person involved (fairly paranoid but hey!)

Getting married soon at a venue which is also a private residence. There are areas open to the wedding guests, but areas which are only to be used by the owners (completely fair enough). The exception to this is the bridal suite which is only to be used by the bride and groom.

One of my bridesmaids will be heavily pregnant at the time of the wedding, but also suffers from a disability which both effects mobility and her capacity to walk, and also results in extreme fatigue which has been made much, much worse by the pregnancy. She often has to go for a lie down to be able to get through the rest of the day. There is only one big room for the wedding and some outdoor areas, so nowhere really for her to go for some quiet time. There are some things happening in the evening that she (and I!) would really like her to be there for, but I get the feeling she is a bit worried about the day and being able to make it through.

I thought in the circumstances that it would be OK for her (and her alone) to use our room for a sleep if she needs to, rather than her (and her husband) potentially have to leave early. There are no hotels nearby so it will require a car journey away from the venue. It's about a 25 min drive to their hotel.

I asked the venue owner and he has said no, not in any circumstances can anyone else enter the room. He has offered his office for her to sit down, but it isn't really somewhere that she could sleep. Plus he said it has to be before 6pm which is before the meal ends so probably too early.

He is a really lovely, helpful, nice guy so I am really surprised about this. I would have thought in this situation they could have made an exception, and now I feel really bad as when my friend was telling me she was worried about the day I told her I am sure it will be fine for you to have a nap, and she was really relieved :( I haven't told her yet as I don't want to paint the owner as the bad guy, but I'm not really sure how to play it. He will be organising things on the day so I really don't want to cause any issues or bad feeling, I just want everything to be lovely on the day and not have the bad taste of an argument.

I suppose I can organise a taxi for her to go back and have a nap after the meal and then bring her back again, but it seems like such a shame for her to have to do that, and I know she doesn't like a fuss being made.

AIBU for thinking that this really should have been OK? And also what should I do.....?

[Namechanger2011]

No the room isn't part of the venue so he definitely isn't under any obligation at all - I was just surprised as I didn't know the reason he wouldn't be able to offer it's use. But it seems there are valid reasons so that's fine. I really don't want to get into a wrangle over it.

[SusanneLinder]

Squeaky Toy- you need to read the second PDF file I gave.If the venue is providing a room for the wedding party,then it does become part of the venue.The OP is being provided this room for her own use so therefore part of the service they are providing.They are not being asked to provide ANOTHER room. That wouldn't be "reasonable". :) And the venue has an obligation to explain exactly why they think this isn't reasonable.

By denying her BM access to that for no reason,they are discriminating. I had a similar issue with a hotel when I booked my daughter's wedding for my other daughter who has Asperger's and needed a "chill-out" room. This was covered,that's why I know. :)

I got a snotty wedding planner who said no to same thing, spoke to Manager, reminded him of their obligations under DDA, he confirmed with Head Office I was correct.

[CarefulWithThatAxeEugene]

Could you not book them a hotel room a bit nearer than 25 minutes drive away, or is it really that remote?

[Namechanger2011]

It is pretty remote, though there are closer b&bs. Everything needs driving to though.

I think the campervan thing will work. Or she'll just go early. I'll leave it up to her

[helibee]

But squeaky it's not a chill out area, part of her disability requires that she has somewhere to rest/sleep. That's not the same as a chill out.

I have fibromyalgia and CFS, my FIL has ME my friend is narcoleptic and another 8 months pregnant and our wedding venue provided me and any of those others a room to rest quietly if needed. It wasn't a hotel but they still made provisions as they wanted everyone to have an enjoyable evening.

My friend who is narcoleptic frequently requires a room where we can safely put her to sleep and whever we have explained this to venue owners we have never experienced a problem.

If other people such as florist etc are allowed in then it's not an insurance issue. Maybe ask him if your BM signed a letter to state that she will not 'decorate' the bridal room and any damage will be payed for. Maybe he will be reassured that she has no intention of causing damage to the room in over exuberant decorating for the bride and groom.

You sound like an extremely caring friend and I hope that if the owner won't budge that the camper van is suitable for her. I do sympathise. With my illness we always have to think about somewhere to rest so usually just go back to room or hotel for a sleep if nearby. It is very difficult though as she is BM and completely understand why you don't want her to have to do an hrs round trip to go and rest/sleep for an hr.

Please try and ask him for the reason and if there is a genuine reason them at least you know that you have covered all the bases.

Good luck for your wedding

[hobnobsaremyfavourite]

Fabbychic what utter bollocks. OP YANBU

[MintyMoo]

I also have fibromyalgia and agree with helibee. It sounds like your friend has something along the fibro/CFS/ME/arthritis line of things. I completely understand her need to rest, even without the pregnancy that would be an issue for me too.

I really hope you can get something sorted, good luck!

and jojowest - wheelchair access isn't provided for non disabled people, does that mean it shouldn't be provided for people with disabilities? ffs - the whole point of adjustments for those of us with disabilities is to negate some of the disadvantages of having a disability to put us at the same level as everyone else, not to be given privileges.

[Northeastgirl]

I don't know about the DDA, but can see you may not have the stomach for a fight with the wedding fast approaching. An airbed in the office might just have to do. You get fancy ones from Aerobed which are very comfortable (about £100) and basic ones from any camping store for about £15

[CarefulWithThatAxeEugene]

OP, you said "I suppose I could push for a reason but I did that with another thing I wasn't allowed to do, and he got a bit funny."

What was the other thing, and did he give a reason for it not being allowed?

[gorionine]

Sorry not read all the thread so appologies if has already been suggested but could it be because of some suprestition? like if anyone else but the groom or bride enter the bridal suite, the family who own the house will be curesed for 7 generations?

[Namechanger2011]

careful the other thing was a kind of decoration that I wanted. Initially just said no, then when I pushed gave a fuller reason but was more along the lines of 'it's a pain'. Wasn't a big deal though, but we are paying a lot of money so I think a reason with a 'no' isn't too much to expect.

[Namechanger2011]

at Gorionine

[Mumwithadragontattoo]

I think there is probably a breach of the DDA here and the owner should legally be giving a reason. However, if you can arrange for a camper van for your friend that would solve the problem for her and saves you having an argument with your wedding venue. It seems the best approach to me if it can be arranged.

[penguin73]

Are there any restrictions on your access to the bridal suite? If not I can see a 'dress emergency' happening which requires you going to the suite and having to take your bridesmaid to help you....then leave her there for a sleep.

[CarefulWithThatAxeEugene]

I wonder what happens if someone is taken ill at a function - not seriously enough to need an ambulance, but let's say a fainting fit, or someone fell and shook themselves up. Do they not have any facility at all for someone to rest and recover? It seems a bit strange. At a hotel these things simply aren't an issue.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

He actually sounds utterly unprepared for the practicalities of running a wedding venue. It's all very well for him to not like this and not like that but life doesn't run to plan. As CarefulWithThatAxeEugene said, what would happen if someone was taken ill? You simply can't be that restrictive in situations like this.

[squeakytoy]

Squeaky Toy- you need to read the second PDF file I gave.If the venue is providing a room for the wedding party,then it does become part of the venue.The OP is being provided this room for her own use so therefore part of the service they are providing.They are not being asked to provide ANOTHER room. That wouldn't be "reasonable". And the venue has an obligation to explain exactly why they think this isn't reasonable

There are 251 pages in that document, so could you point me to the relevant page please.

I am still not convinced that the bedroom in the private house, is part of the area covered by the DDA. What would happen if the bride and groom were not staying in a room and were simply having their reception in the main room?

[squeakytoy]

Eugene, there is an office.

Plenty of people have wedding receptions in places other than hotels, where there are no residential facilities.

[GwendolineMaryLacey]

But this one does and presumably the OP is paying a fair whack to be able to stay overnight.

[Birdsgottafly]

CWTAE- every venue will have its own policy, it will be entered in a accident book. If they want to adopt a policy wereby if a person is not well enough to recover sitting down then they have to leave, they are allowed to do this.. If a person has a bump on the head they could have a slow bleed by the venue not insisting on phoning an abulance they could be part liable for what happens next (as a bump on the head may cause confusion).

The DDA and Equality Bill states that they can not act unfavourably towards a disabled person. So as long as the rules apply to everyone then it is lawful. Older buildings that cannot get planning permission or it is not feasible to make adjustments can state that they are not able to accomodate certain disabilities. It is the same sort of rule that airlines can apply to disabled and ill passengers, there are times when they can deny them their service.

[squeakytoy]

By the sounds of it, and from what the Op has said it doesnt have official residential facilities.

[Birdsgottafly]

Because once the wedding has started, the rule is that no-one but the bride and groom can access the room, they are not treating anyone unfavourably. There are exemptions under both Acts, not so much with services but when providing accomodation or leisure facilities (i am thinking the likes of Martin Mere, or copper mines etc). The Bill cannot be applied everywhere without us levelling the country and rebuilding.

[KatieMiddleton]

It's not the DDA you need to quote - it's been superceded by the Equality Act 2010.

[KatieMiddleton]

I can't see what claim you could bring under the EA though if the venue is accessible for wheel chairs. A place to sleep is not a reasonable adjustment. You wouldn't expect a restaurant to offer that.

I think the camper van idea is a good one.

[CarefulWithThatAxeEugene]

I noted that there's an office but apparently it wasn't going to be available at all times?

I take the point about head injuries but this is a straw man as I didn't give that as an example. Just someone not feeling well, dizziness, heat exhaustion, nausea, for instance, the sort of thing that can temporarily affect a healthy person, nothing dramatic.