to be surprised by this reaction to a reasonable request

[Namechanger2011]

Namechanger and I want to be fairly vague as I'm worried about being outed and pissing off the person involved (fairly paranoid but hey!)

Getting married soon at a venue which is also a private residence. There are areas open to the wedding guests, but areas which are only to be used by the owners (completely fair enough). The exception to this is the bridal suite which is only to be used by the bride and groom.

One of my bridesmaids will be heavily pregnant at the time of the wedding, but also suffers from a disability which both effects mobility and her capacity to walk, and also results in extreme fatigue which has been made much, much worse by the pregnancy. She often has to go for a lie down to be able to get through the rest of the day. There is only one big room for the wedding and some outdoor areas, so nowhere really for her to go for some quiet time. There are some things happening in the evening that she (and I!) would really like her to be there for, but I get the feeling she is a bit worried about the day and being able to make it through.

I thought in the circumstances that it would be OK for her (and her alone) to use our room for a sleep if she needs to, rather than her (and her husband) potentially have to leave early. There are no hotels nearby so it will require a car journey away from the venue. It's about a 25 min drive to their hotel.

I asked the venue owner and he has said no, not in any circumstances can anyone else enter the room. He has offered his office for her to sit down, but it isn't really somewhere that she could sleep. Plus he said it has to be before 6pm which is before the meal ends so probably too early.

He is a really lovely, helpful, nice guy so I am really surprised about this. I would have thought in this situation they could have made an exception, and now I feel really bad as when my friend was telling me she was worried about the day I told her I am sure it will be fine for you to have a nap, and she was really relieved :( I haven't told her yet as I don't want to paint the owner as the bad guy, but I'm not really sure how to play it. He will be organising things on the day so I really don't want to cause any issues or bad feeling, I just want everything to be lovely on the day and not have the bad taste of an argument.

I suppose I can organise a taxi for her to go back and have a nap after the meal and then bring her back again, but it seems like such a shame for her to have to do that, and I know she doesn't like a fuss being made.

AIBU for thinking that this really should have been OK? And also what should I do.....?

[Birdsgottafly]

It may be because she is disabled. When you offer a room to a disabled person it must be 'fit for purpose', which usually means having the space for a hoist or equipment to be used in the event of an accident or fire. The 'disabled' access need in the case of emergancy crew attending (or a fire) and removing a disabled person is very different to that of a room for a non disabled person, so is toilet access. He would be breaking the law if he allowed her to use the room but could not ensure her safety. This law protects those with disabilities. In the case of sately homes there are clauses in the DDA which allow for the inability to get planning permission for adjustments.

[Birdsgottafly]

Unless you look for it you may not realise that every venue has a 'disabled' ease of access etc , rating so those booking it can plan appropriately.

[Namechanger2011]

Interesting birds that does make sense - would that mean that they couldn't allow a 'disabled' bride? (Obviously disability covers a huge range of conditions!)

[Birdsgottafly]

There might be restrictions on who can use the room so the venue could be used by a disabled bride but not the room. Through my work i have to plan events to include various disabilities and they do have to vary depending on the nature of the disability. Some people will be on medication that has to be kept fridged etc so those who live with the disability will be used to asking the right questions.

[suburbophobe]

Maybe he's worried she'll go into labour there and then?

Whatever solutions you decide on, have a wonderful day!

[LDNmummy]

Is it possible to set up a temporary rest area for her in one of the more accesible area's of the venue that no one will be using at the time she needs to rest? Maybe a cot bed or moveable bed time thing?

[Onlyaphase]

My friend got married in one of these private homes that are hired out for the odd occasion, and the owner put similar restrictions in place. I think the owners make the rules that suit them, and if you don't like them, you can book elsewhere in their opinion.

The most extreme rule my friend had to face from this particular owner was that as he was vegetarian, there was to be no meat served at the function at all. No meat or meat products, even if using an external caterer who wouldn't touch his private kitchen areas, and serving food in a marquee so no contamination of any dining areas. Unbelievable. Imagine a hotel doing the same!

[Namechanger2011]

Not really LDN - like I say it is one large open plan room, the rest is outside...(trying to be vague here...)

I'm sure she will be fine with either the camper van or the taxi back.

Birds you have been very helpful, I suppose I've not had to think about it in too much depth before, I do understand that once you are running a business you are completely liable for the safety of the premises and so it does make sense they don't want to take the risk (i.e. that she may fall down the stairs or something).

I'll have a chat with her, I'm sure she'll understand

[FabbyChic]

You asked he said no, now you have to find alternatives, she could always rest in a car and sleep on the back seat if necessary.

Maybe you ought to have considered all these options when you were booking your wedding. Not left it till after you had booked.

[moogster1a]

If hairdressers etc. are allowed in in the morning, could she not be your hairdresser / dresser to freshen you up ready for the evening do? You both go to the room, hang about for 10 mins. then you leave and she has to stay behind for an hour to tidy up all the make up, hairdressing producs etc. that she used on you.

[Namechanger2011]

FFS Fabby she wasn't pregnant when I booked the venue! Have I not just said that I am looking into other options and that it's all cool?

YEs I'm obviously a twat for not predicting the future and realising she would fall pregnant and her condition woudl deteriorate. What a fool.

[Namechanger2011]

and sorry moogster sidetracked there, I think I may be rumbled by having already asked, but that would have been a good idea.

[beesimo]

The truth is Op the owner wants your money but he wants it as easy as possible and with as least inconvience to him as possible. TOUGH. You are playing the piper your entitled to call the tune.

You have been honest and upfront about your friends needs and are entitled to expect him to either agree to your very reasonable wishes or make some suggestion as to how to resolve the issue fairly he is a being a git.

[bemybebe]

Gosh, what a shame. I did not read all, so sorry if xposted but can it be something to do with insurance? As insurance can be invalidated if anyone else if permitted to use the private quarters it is not unreasonable for the host to withheld consent.

I think a good compromise would be to insist to equip the office with a suitable temporary bed even if you have to bring one of the floor mattresses yourself. Would this be possible?

[FuppyGish]

It might be because if thats also the room you're staying the night in, they've had bridesmaids/best men in the past decorating it with silly string/confetti etc etc and don't want the mess?

[Birdsgottafly]

FC-stupid statement, someone who is disabled and pregnant cannot 'just rest in the car'.

Unless it is along term disability (which it isn't) and you are used to planning around that disability or any disability, you are going to have to rethink things, the OP has every right to ask for suggestions and reasons why she may not ber able to use the room.

Becoming or having a close one become disabled takes time to get used to and accepting.

[smallschool]

I'm really sorry that you and your friend are in this situation BUT i dont feel that its unreasonable, not to allow a perfect stranger access through a 'private residence' part of the building. The arrangement was for bride and groom to have access not friend of bride and groom.

[ChippingInLovesEasterEggs]

I really don't understand why people comment when they can't be arsed to read the thread or at the very least all of the OP's comments. Why? Just why?

[ChippingInLovesEasterEggs]

[squeakytoy]

Chipping, you have missed a point yourself though.

The venue room where all the guests will be, does have facilities to comply with the regulations for disabled guests.

I have never heard of any venue where the owner is legally obliged to provide the facilities for disabled or pregnant people to have a sleep! It is not a requirement of the DDA.

Yes, it does seem very petty that he wont allow it, but it is not an offence.

[Punkatheart]

It will possibly be fire regulations - as they need to know who is in what room. Also she is not a paying guest, so technically the rules do apply, disabled or not.

Rules or not though - it would have been decent to allow it. Most people would not have asked. I hope that you can open up a dialogue with him again and sort it out.

[Namechanger2011]

smallschool I do know that you are right, I suppose I was just surprised because I totally expected symapthy and understanding.

I will readily admit that is through my own ignorance and lack of understanding the rules and regulations that can apply when running a business such as this, so this thread has been very helpful.

I just wish that when I asked he had explained that it was because of insurance or regulations etc as then I would have understood straight away rather than thinking it was just because 'rules is rules'

[SusanneLinder]

Birdsgottafly-of COURSE the OP's bridesmaid is covered by the DDA. The DDA covers anyone who has access to goods or services, and the owner is completely breaching this. It makes no difference whether the OP is paying or not,the bridesmaid is accessing the service so therefore she is a customer, whether she pays or otherwise.

It is nothing to do with access or hoists or any of that shite, as not all disabled people need them.It is all about "reasonable adjustments" and providing a room that is already there is a "reasonable adjustment".

www.direct.gov.uk/prod_consum_dg/groups/dg_digitalassets/@dg/@en/documents/digitalasset/dg_070741.pdf

www.equalityhumanrights.com/uploaded_files/EqualityAct/servicescode.pdf

The Equality Act 2010 strengthens the rights of disabled people.

Sorry-but if I was paying all that money for a wedding and they were treating my guests so shoddily,they would not be having my business. And I certainly would be telephoning the Equality and Human Rights Commission.

Oh and it is also illegal under the law to treat a complainer under the law,less favourably because they have complained. :)

I am not a serial complainer, but have taken on a couple of large organisations who "think" the know the law, and actually don't, cos it is so vast.

[squeakytoy]

Susanne.. you do not need to provide a rest area for disabled people. You need to provide access, and toilets. You can not reasonably expect any venue to provide a chill out area specifically for a disabled person.

The Op has already said that the room is not a part of the venue.

[jojowest]

but you arent providing rest areas for non disabled, so why for disabled?