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AIBU?

to be surprised by this reaction to a reasonable request

113 replies

Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 10:52

Namechanger and I want to be fairly vague as I'm worried about being outed and pissing off the person involved (fairly paranoid but hey!)

Getting married soon at a venue which is also a private residence. There are areas open to the wedding guests, but areas which are only to be used by the owners (completely fair enough). The exception to this is the bridal suite which is only to be used by the bride and groom.

One of my bridesmaids will be heavily pregnant at the time of the wedding, but also suffers from a disability which both effects mobility and her capacity to walk, and also results in extreme fatigue which has been made much, much worse by the pregnancy. She often has to go for a lie down to be able to get through the rest of the day. There is only one big room for the wedding and some outdoor areas, so nowhere really for her to go for some quiet time. There are some things happening in the evening that she (and I!) would really like her to be there for, but I get the feeling she is a bit worried about the day and being able to make it through.

I thought in the circumstances that it would be OK for her (and her alone) to use our room for a sleep if she needs to, rather than her (and her husband) potentially have to leave early. There are no hotels nearby so it will require a car journey away from the venue. It's about a 25 min drive to their hotel.

I asked the venue owner and he has said no, not in any circumstances can anyone else enter the room. He has offered his office for her to sit down, but it isn't really somewhere that she could sleep. Plus he said it has to be before 6pm which is before the meal ends so probably too early.

He is a really lovely, helpful, nice guy so I am really surprised about this. I would have thought in this situation they could have made an exception, and now I feel really bad as when my friend was telling me she was worried about the day I told her I am sure it will be fine for you to have a nap, and she was really relieved :( I haven't told her yet as I don't want to paint the owner as the bad guy, but I'm not really sure how to play it. He will be organising things on the day so I really don't want to cause any issues or bad feeling, I just want everything to be lovely on the day and not have the bad taste of an argument.

I suppose I can organise a taxi for her to go back and have a nap after the meal and then bring her back again, but it seems like such a shame for her to have to do that, and I know she doesn't like a fuss being made.

AIBU for thinking that this really should have been OK? And also what should I do.....?

OP posts:

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TidyDancer · 17/04/2011 11:10

Yes, caravan would be a decent option. Such a shame this is even coming up though.

You sound like a lovely friend btw. :)

Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:11

It's far too late to change venues without losing a lot of money. And I don't want to because everything is planned specifically around this venue and it is really the most lovely place.

LaWeasel you have just made me reaslise, two people in my family have campervans, not sure they were planning on bringing them but I'm sure if I explain the circumstances they will!

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squeakytoy · 17/04/2011 11:11

Does this idiot of an owner have a wife who could be approached, who may be a tad more considerate?

Maud2011 · 17/04/2011 11:12

...I think insurance is likely, or maybe he's had trouble with over exuberant guests in the past getting into the room and going a bit too far "decorating" it for the bride and groom?

But I do think he ought to explain instead of simply refuse, or go "a bit funny" when asked.

HerHissyness · 17/04/2011 11:12

I know you love her, but why are you asking this woman to be a bridesmaid? surely the condition plus a late PG means that this is just an assault course for her. I was 7m PG and my own mothers second wedding marathon it was hellish.

Have you spoken to her about how she will manage? Is this something she really wants to do? Could she bring an airbed for the office just in case the owner of the house really doesn't want people he doesn't know walking through his house.

Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:13

I should quote the DDA I know, I should be firmer on this, as since she has become disabled it's a real eye opener on just how things can be skewed against you.

I need to do this to stick up for my friend I know, I'm not even usually a wimp at stuff like this, I just don't want to feel on the day like he is hating me you know? He takes quite a prominent role in everything.

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Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2011 11:15

It isn't a breach of the DDA because it isn't her that he has 'sold' the service to. It might be insurance, he has entered into a contract with you and your DP and he may only be able to offer the room to you or him. It is a shame but i also struggle with my health and often, when attending an all day wedding, either have to leave early or if possible go home for an hour. Your friend may not like to make a fuss but you do have to plan and readjust your life around a disability.

Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:16

HerHissy she wasn't pregnant when I got engaged and asked her. Not that it would have put me off anyway, she is my best friend and would have been deeply upset not to be asked (I know this because she has said!). There is no way she wouldn't want to come.

I am doing everything possible to make it easy for her, I just want her to be there and enjoy the day. She doesn't have any other duties other than that (she doesn't even have to walk down the ailse if it;s too difficult, though she really wants to). I'd be making the same enquiries even if she was 'just' a guest btw

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Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:18

birds I think you are probably right. I just wish he had said that as without giving a reason it just sounds like an arbitury rule?

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Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2011 11:18

It actually makes 'more of a fuss' if someone will not just do what they need to, but i do understand that it takes time to come to terms with having to change how you do things. It also takes time for the reality of a health condition to sink in. Under the DDA 'reasonable' adjusts must be made but as there is no reason by law that she has to stay there all day it is not covered. The arrangements in place does not stop her attending the wedding.

Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:22

I know birds it is of course very hard to come to terms with.

It's just upsetting as there was a (seemingly) simple solution which would have allowed her to stay longer. But I've had some good suggestions here so hopefully we can sort something else out for her.

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HerHissyness · 17/04/2011 11:22

I see, I wasn't saying for her not to come, I was worried she had a ton of stuff to do, sounds like she is BM in name and position.

Get one of the rellies to bring a camper van! or the blow up bed in the office.

Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:23

I've been in the office, not sure it will fit a blow up bed tbh and having to do it before 6pm means it probably isn;t the best option.

Camper van much better suggestion!

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Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2011 11:23

You (and her) will just have to accept that she has to get a taxi home for a rest, disability adjustments is tough on younger people. There was no reason why you should not have had her as your bridesmaid, to not include her would have spoilt your day as she would have had to be there as a guest, just have a heart to heart chat with her.

HerHissyness · 17/04/2011 11:23

Please remember that this house is the man's home. he has a right to state and uphold rules.

Sometimes YOU have to be innovative and get around immovable objects.

Birdsgottafly · 17/04/2011 11:25

She may be better having a proper rest in her own bed, and a bath etc, if needed.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 17/04/2011 11:28

Sorry you are having so much hassle over something which should have been simple :(

If I were you I would call him back again, re-explain the situation in full and say that you really don't want to have to get the DDA involved but you will if you have to :) There isn't any other suitable option for your disabled friend (and keep your fingers crossed that he doesn't know what his obligations are!).

It's his house (castle/stately home or whatever?!) so I guess, his rules - but irrespective of H&S or Insurance I would allow her to use the room. It cannot be H&S I'm sure, so if anything legit (rather than him just being an arse) it might be his contents insurance (as you have to go through the private bit of his house), but even so... he's being a PITA.

If not - hopefully one of the camper van owning relatives will be obliging!

eaglewings · 17/04/2011 11:30

I'm in a similar position to your friend (though not so many weeks) and take my camper to such events so I can escape and sleep. Much easier than a caravan and it's there when ever I need it. Its the only way to go!

Enjoy your day

Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:30

Well it's not home, it's a hotel as we are getting married far from where we all live.

I do understand all this, I haven't (I don't think?) been ranting and raving and calling him an arsehole. I was just very surprised as I assumed it would be absolutely fine.

We will get round it, I'll speak to her and see what she would prefer.

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FetchezLaVache · 17/04/2011 11:35

If he's fine with the hairdresser etc going in in the morning, I cannot see what possible grounds he has to object to your friend using the room. I agree with what Chipping suggests and if that cuts no ice, sigh and say you'll just have to ask to borrow your friend's old campervan, which is falling to bits but still does the job, and park it right next to the house. That might help to change his mind...

Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:35

I mean my bm won't be going home she will be going to a hotel...the venue is the owners home!

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Namechanger2011 · 17/04/2011 11:37

FWIW I'm sure he not just being an arse, he really does seem like a lovely guy so I'm sure there is a legit reason. Just wish he had given it to me.

I don't think he'll change his mind - the carpark is a field next to the venue anyway so I'm sure it will be fine for a campervan if she is happy with that.

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Insert1x50p · 17/04/2011 11:38

It's not a DDA breach. I really wouldn't cite it because you wont be able to back it up, and you're basically threatening him which is not going to improve your relationship ahead of the wedding.

Insert1x50p · 17/04/2011 11:39

I imagine his reason is that he's made exceptions before and he's had problems, possibly with theft etc.

Maud2011 · 17/04/2011 11:41

Can see why that arbitrary rule impression bugs you... even if it is his home, if he's running it as a venue he needs to be more flexible and customer-friendly, less dismissive in his response to reasonable requests. Bit of a territory issue going on perhaps? This must be a situation that crops up quite often at weddings, good idea for him to get used to it.

Good suggestion re. campervan, maybe that's the least awkward way round it at this stage, given you can't change the venue and don't want an unpleasant atmosphere. But do make the points in your feedback after the event that it would improve things if there was a bit more flexibility re. needs of guests with disabilities, and also that you have been feeling stressed and uncomfortable with these rather odd responses to reasonable requests.

Really hope you can get it sorted and have a lovely day

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