I know I am an unreasonable cow

[ReindeerBollocks]

I've not name changed for this (may be a brave or stupid mistake I don't know at this point), so please be kind.

DP has end stage renal failure. He currently has dialysis three times a week late in the evenings and he works full time Monday to Friday 9-5. I think he is amazing for doing this. He has had periods of being very unwell due to RF, and has spent several periods of time in ICU.

We discussed the possibility of him being a SAHD but he was off for about three months due to illness and didn't think he could keep up with our two DC's (one of whom has a serious medical condition). He decided to go back to work as it is easier and I have always admired his determination to continue working.

Anyway, I do everything at home and with the children (and all of the medical stuff with DS ) and we are both happy with this arrangement. DP generally spends most of Saturday in bed recovering from illness and exhaustion from his week.

He has had RF for a fair few years now and he has gotten worse. He is generally unwell most of the time
he is at home. And I'm sick of it. I don't blame him for being ill - I'm not evil FGS. But he doesn't take care of himself properly when he is working and he is always frustrated by how little he sees the children and that he doesn't have any energy for them when he is around.

Because of how frequently he visits hospital he is always picking up D&V bugs too, many of these are passed onto the children, and he is constantly complaining of a variety of different symptoms i.e. Fidgety leg syndrome, sickness, headaches, general crappiness (he on occasion has heart problems and breathing difficulties too).

And well quite honestly I'm sick of it. I spend all weekend nursing him back to health for work on Monday, and I do everything I can to help him during the week. I love him dearly but seeing him neglect himself for his career, whilst killing himself in the process, is grating on me. I know he can't and more importantly won't give up his career, but at the same time, we as his family just get an exhausted, overworked, unwell DP (and dad). And I know I am being a horrid bitch but I'm losing sympathy for him (and I resent the fact that we never get any 'good' DP time).

How can I stop myself feeling this way towards DP, whom I care so much for? And how much of a completely unreasonable bitch am I being?

Bumping this, cos I wondered how you are ReindeerBollocks?

Can I just say a massive thank you to all the wonderful people on this thread - you have all been so supportive, it really is Mumsnet at it's best.

DP and I had a talk. I felt I had a right to discuss my concerns, as his RF does affect us all. It went fairly well. He understood my concerns, and agreed that he is fairly neglectful of his own health (not taking meds properly, running himself into the ground etc). He did say work helps him maintain normality, especially as no-one knows, so can carry on as normal.

But he also accepts by doing this, family time is shortened, and he can't partake in weekend activities, which means a lot to him.

So we have agreed that for the time being he continues working as he is, BUT that he has to take his meds (he has bought tablet boxes to help), and he will not work over and above his hours.

He has been offered a massive opportunity in work, starting around the time of the transplant. It is an amazing offer, and will really help with his career. We have managed to compromise this also - he can do the work on the case (paper work based only) four weeks after the transplant providing that he has recovered enough, and that he will work from home (until he gets an all clear at around 10 weeks). And the final crux -he has to tell his employer about it all. We hopefully will have a date for the actual operation in the next week, and he has agreed to tell his boss the same day.

I do have some support, in the form of my mum (a true star) she is going to take the DCs for the first few weeks recovery and I am talking more to her about the stress of it all sometimes being too much. I just emotionally ache seeing DP (and DS) battle with their conditions, and I guess I was frustrated knowing that DP could be better than he is.

Thanks again to everyone who responded, and was able to provide support (and not think I was an unreasonable cow :) )

I think you're a complete star. I don't think I could begin to show the strength and patience you have. The very best of luck to you both.

I actually feel a bit teary reading about how wonderfully you are supporting your husband, to the extent of giving him a kidney, but in every way possible. I could feel your frustration in the first post and I'm so glad you were able to talk with him about your concerns. I think telling the employer is a huge step forward, if only, as someone else pointed out because he probably does have to disclose this for insurance reasons, and I think it will be a weight off his mind (plus, typical man, he can go in with the 'solution', the operation, rather than the problem!) Good luck with it all and please update us if you have time, your strength is inspiring.

So glad that your talk went well & i just want to wish you both the very best of luck with the operations [hugs]
please keep us updated

Oh, so glad it went well. You sound amazing... [tear]