To want to ask you to Please help me I feel like I am going insane

[TheLadyEvilStar]

DS1 has come home from school in a shite mood.
As a result he is now bouncing off the walls, the school are looking at me for answers and solutions, the SS are trying to get everyone together for a meeting, I have to attend weekly "Parenting Groups", I am trying my fucking hardest to stay calm all the time in case he has got ASD but it is hard! I am human how am I meant to cope with the constant screaming and tantums???

I am sick of everyone thinking I have a magic wand and can give them the reasons and answers. I CAN'T!!!!

DP thinks I am going off him because every friday for the last 8 weeks I have sodded off to the pub alone because I need a break.

DS1 is currently running up and down the hallway and screaming and shouting, encouraging DS2 to do the same.

I have been keeping DS2 awake in the day so that he will sleep earlier and DS1 is ruining it day after day.

I really feel like throwing the towel in, giving up and running the fuck away!

bunty, I have been toying with the idea of getting them on audio for him to listen to in bed because quite often he is awake long after others - I am sometimes up until 3-4am because he is still awake.

And when he is laying there in the dark he panics and then he is in and out of his room.

Animula, I was advised to get it - but have been broke this last week he went and grew out of his shoes again!!!

I had a really bad phase of not sleeping after a bereavement, and found music irritating, but Stephen Fry soothing. I could go to sleep with him talking and if I woke, was more relaxed and not so panicky.

Bunty, thankyou. I will download go and buy them

TLES, can you tell the difference between his tantrums that, as he says, he can stop and those that he can't? I reckon that could help a bit, ie you knowing when to leave well alone or sanction accordingly.

BTW if you think he'll be happy with it, why not let him loose with painting his bedroom? maybe not when he's in the midst of a tantrum but when he's kept some mutually agreed targets. Pphhh, I sound so teacherish, sorry.

Larks, I can tell the difference.
For example tonight he was in such a foul mood. It was his first day back after a 3day exclusion from school. Now he knew I have been upset with him and angry - not over being excluded but for lying to me about what had happened, me going to the school in all honesty ready to defend him to read the statements from the other children and find it had been a lie DS1 had told me. So he was meant to be on his best behaviour.
Well basically he had started a fight last week and apparently (according to DS1) the boy spent all day threatening him. Now I know this is not right but I am in 2 minds as to whether I believe him or not because of past lies (from what I have been told and read this is typical of ODD).

So because I did not phone the school immediatly that he told me - 7.30pm - he had a tantrum and it was purely that where he shouted at me and told me it was all my fault if anything serious happened to him. I ignored this and after 5 minutes he stopped.

When he has a meltdown it can last for hours unless you can find a way of distracting him.

Mine were secondhand.
I think Stephen can stand the loss
good luck

My heart goes out to you, it's unbelieble how draining it is coping with what you are going through. My son got a diagnosis of ASD at nearly 14. He also managed to hold it together at school (well most of the time anyway) but would be horrible at home. It's taken many years but it's gradually got better for us as we have learnt through trial and error what works.

Establishing morning and evening routines has been invaluable - he can sort of be on auto pilot, but will still get ready for school. It's been difficult for me as I'm not the most organised person but it's been worth it.
Also trying to spend time with my son on his own after his sister has gone to bed. We got into the habit of watching 1hr of Dave at the same time each night before he goes to bed. He will then go to bed without the nightly argument that we used to have.
After years of being a very poor sleeper, he now has 3 quilts on his bed and sleeps very well. This ties up with what BrightLight & a lot of Aspergers books say about ASD children needing weight on their body.
The parenting classes I went on, showed that I gave my son too many instructions that he could not cope with & also that I need to give him time to process the information I give him. So now I call his name,wait a few seconds, ensure that he is looking at me and give him one instruction. I then leave it maybe 5 mins before checking that he has done what I requested and giving the next instruction.

My 11 yr old dd has ASD and she "holds it together" at school and lets go at home. Today after school she lost it before we even got home and shouted and screamed at me in the street
I have to confess I have been thinking about calling Social Services to be assessed and see if we can get some support and even respite. Have you considered this?

Also I have found Melatonin to be a godsend with the sleep issues.

ICFAFNN I have messaged you off board, I hope you dont mind!

I too am not the most organised person. I have found natural routine works better here iyswim? BUT DS1 has asked me to write him a "schedule for the day" because it helps him get through, thats one thing he loves about school.

How can I say this or explain it - OK I try to spend time with DS1 but he always puts an obsticle in the way - last week he explained it is because he is more comfortable just being with himself and when he choses to be with us.

I also will try an extra quilt as he is an awful sleeper.

The parenting group I go to tbh I am not finding helpful as the other parents children are 15+ and are rebelling they don't have a medical issue. They are being teenagers, staying out, lying, etc so they are in different situation tbh but I will continue to go and see what happens.

Thorn, we don't have a final or rather official DX yet just the initial assessment the dr said he was 80-90% certain ds1 has aspergers.

Ok, that makes it much more difficult for you.
It's bloody hard isn't it. I've read every book and tried everything but I think ultimately these children have to offload all their frustration and anger on a daily basis.
Finding a way for them to do this without hurting anyone else (physically or emotionally) is nigh on impossible.

I need to relearn I have no idea of routine I am so not a routiney person iyswim?

My ds1 is asd and has a "wheat quilt". Its like an enormous bean bag and he lies under it - he's 13. He isn't able to express himself like your ds, but it seems to really help him be calm. Melatonin too has been a lifesaver with his sleeping difficulties.
He also has a trampoline which he has to go on every day after school - even if I have to brush snow off it first!
I do think for you that some respite would really help, we have a more formal arrangement now, but initially a charity called Crossroads let me have 3 hours one evening a week - kept me sane, I swear!
I so feel for you, I hope things improve x

I ust hope these next 6 weeks pass quickly as that is when we will have the second assessment.

Everything he has done and said over the years point to ASD so why has it gone amiss in school?

Hi LES, I have read some of your posts about your ds1 before. I'm sorry you are having a tough time. I was going to suggest a trampoline or a Wii, and it seems a bit daft, but have you tried dropping lavendar oil inside his pillowcase? This probably sounds even dafter, when I was a child I used to have a lot of difficulty sleeping until someone gave me an enormous panda. It was nearly as big as me and it would lay behind me in my bed, right up against my back. I had forgotten about the panda until just recently my ds1 slept through the night at last!!! He'd put a large stuffed polar bear right behind his back. Probably not helpful but you never know Home you get a good night tonight. :)

Hope

Lady - you say he lies awake in the dark - can you get him a light that projects onto the wall with patterns. Possibly soothing, distracting and maybe it would help with the panic he feels?

Kick that is not too disimilar to me, I have to have my quilt tucked right in my back or I cannot sleep and it is a thick quilt as well. I may try and redo his room tomorrow and add some soothing things in there, he wants pictures on his walls as he says the plain walls are worrying him...i don't understand that but hopefully will learn.

Were, he has taken to having his tv on in his room on mute so the light may be a good idea as it is kind of the same thing.

TLES - another activity idea here (and sorry if you have already tried this one!). You mention lots of activities your DS has done and given up on, like fencing, dance etc. And then you talk about how he loves to read, and likes things like HP. Long shot, but maybe its the stimulation of his imagination and escape to different worlds he likes. So what about a drama group? Not sure where you are in the country, but if you let me know, can ask my friend who volunteers at a drama group for "struggling teens" as she puts it whether there is anything similar near you.

Have a 12 yr old asd/adhd

Trampet in his room - slides under bed / dog walk in morning and as soon as gets home from school - also big trampoline outside - we have some solar lights round it and must say must look very strange when people drive past at 10/11 at night and he's jumping away lol - also have a wii fit which is good - boxing mode very useful :, but also the balance stuff helps with other issues that can come with asd

Cut of time of 9 o clock school nights when he must be in his room - don't care what he does I just don't want to see/hear it - I also ignore 99% of behaviour/language before this (unless aggressive) - I understand totally your sons need to have a safe place to release

We use a sticker reward chart for specific behaviours that drive me nuts - but only work on one at a time - (rewards got expensive at this age so have now made them extra privileges ie computer time ) at the moment working on toothpaste is not a good substitute for soap lol

We have loads of Audio books - Terry Prachette is good for this age range especially if like HP

Melatonine helpful but not a solution - (for us)physical release much more effective - we swim 2x a week as a family and am now hopefully getting a few hours respite when they will take son to either youth club or some sports -

Getting a social worker was quite a big step for us but must say once all the patronizing was out the way she has been fab - we have had access to some great stuff in the summer holidays and didn't have to pay which after years of having to pay top wack for private sn childcare was great

Also we finally went down the drugs route after 9 years of being to be honest a bit sniffy about it - we use one that can be taken ''occasionally'' great for big/stressul events