to restrict contact until I get some answers to my questions?

[Spero]

I would really appreciate some feedback. I am feeling sad and confused. I want to do the right thing but I know there is a real danger that my emotions may be getting in the way of what is the right thing for my daughter.

Long story short, she is five and I left her father when she was 3; we had moved to Australia on a two year visa for his new job, I thought this would help us as he seemed so unhappy, I would be a SAHM, end to long commutes etc. Nothing changed, in fact he seemed to get more unhappy, no sex, he didn't want to spend time as a family etc, we tried counselling but nothing changed, he wouldn't tell me what was wrong (other than my stomach was no longer flat and I chewed and swollowed too loudly??!!)

I eventually decided after about a year of thinking about it, that he was just going to be unpleasant until I got the message so I came back to the UK in the summer of 2008. He said he would be back in April 2010 after he finished an MBA course he had started. I thought this wouldn't be too bad as he would see our daughter about four times a year.

I let him stay at my flat for Christmas 2008 and paid for him to come on holiday with us in April 2009 then in June he sent an email saying he had met someone else and now did not know when he was coming back.

I was very upset, especially when I found out in March he had spent a weekend with my daughter and his girlfriend without telling me or discussing what we would tell our daughter.

Since last summer I have been asking him over and over again what he is going to tell our daughter about his plans. She is getting increasingly anxious and upset and having crying fits at home saying she is 'no good' and that I don't love her. But she is fine at school.

I have now said that he can have contact three times a year; Easter, Christmas and summer holidays and I do not support him dipping in and out of her life without explaining to us exactly what his future plans and proposals are. I don't think ad hoc contact is fair on her as she seems to be quite confused and anxious about why he is still in Australia.

I have now discovered he has emailed my mum quoting phrases from a letter from his solicitor in which she says I am being 'thorougly unreaonsonable' and not putting my daughter first, then asking if my parents can stand up to me to persuade me to 'adopt a more reasonable stance' or are they too scared?

I was devastated to hear about this; my mum reassures me that she is not remotely scared of me and thinks I am doing the right thing but she really doesn't want to get involved.

It looks like legal proceedings are looming. He wants to go to mediation but I have said as he is refusing to answer any questions I have about his plans, then what is the point??

I am sorry this is so long. I do have very strong feelings of anger towards him as I still can't quite believe he would let us go as easily as he did and form a new relationship so quickly. Should I carry on restricting contact to something that is very clear and predicatable or should I just agree to contact whenever he is over in the UK?

[SloanyPony]

I'm not very experienced in matters like this but I do know how far Australia is from the UK as I make the trip every 2nd year or so myself. It is a long way, and it is expensive.

Therefore, I feel it would be a great shame if he were to be in the UK for other reasons and not be able to see his daughter. I dont see how that would benefit her in the long run.

Ad hoc dipping in and out if he's not good at communicating his plans however is not good for her either.

The key therefore is to try and work on the communication thing. Mediation probably IS a good starting point - give him that chance, take it from there. You dont have to agree anything at this stage - but do give it a try if you can bring yourself to.

[Acanthus]

How can you go to mediation if he's in Australia?

[sallyseton]

Is there a very good reason why he can't move back to the uk? If that's his future plan then I don't see why ad hoc contact cant continue until then and proper arrangements can be made when he is back. But if he has no plans to move back then something regular should be sorted for your dd, and then surely anything extra on top of that is a bonus?

[oiteach]

I don't think it is unreasonable to ask for defined contact commitments as children need to know where they are if you see what I mean.

It's pretty awful to leave a child not knowing when they will see you again. He is being very selfish, putting his needs before his child.
There is nothing wrong with moving forward and starting a new relationship but he should be working out where his daughter can fit into the new situation, not treating her as an occasional thing to do.

I don't understand how you are restricting contact though as he is not seeing her at the moment anyway?

Family courts do recognise that routine is best for children, particularly when the non-resident parent lives far away.
So, I would get a solicitor to write back to him, state that your parents do not wish to receive any further correspondance from him and set out a schedule of contact.
ie; I am making dd available for contact over the next twelve months on these dates. Please let me know a minimum of two weeks before each date if you will not be available to see dd.
A set routine for contact is extremely important to dd, she needs to know when you will be seeing her and for how long so that she can get used to her parents now living apart etc etc.

[Quality]

I am not surprised you are angry tbh, he sounds like a complete cock.
Is he staying in Australia? You can't be sending a 5 yr old over for visits 3 times a year on her own really, woudl you go? where woudl you stay while she was with ehr dad? Who would pay for flights etc.
You need to know if he is staying there or coming back att he veyr least.

[proudnsad]

I'm sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I think your dd needs all the contact she can with her dad, though. This being 'scared' of you thing and your mum not wanting to get involved..can you expand?

[Spero]

He is coming over for three weeks in August. He will have her for two weeks and he wants to go to mediation with me at some point.

I just honestly don't see what is the point. I have sent him an email of about 15 questions I need answering, but the most important is 'what are you going to tell our daughter about why you don't live in the UK?'

If he answered that one, I would let the others go (they are about why should a new relationship stop him coming back, can't she get a visa etc, etc)

I am a family lawyer (irony of ironies) so I can only guess he has told his lawyer that I am a nasty piece of work and my parents don't dare stand up to me in case I stop them seeing our daughter. I don't really know.

I know my daughter needs a relationship with her father but this does seem to be about what suits him, not what she needs - he wanted to take her to a wedding in Slovakia in June for four days, which would have involved taking two days off school! I said no as I couldn't see how this would be a particularly child friendly experience and the school wouldn't agree to the time off anyway.. cue much anger from him. I think this prompted him to see a solicitor.

He has told my mum (but not me) that he wants to see her over autumn half term so I guess if I stick to my guns and say 'no' he will start legal proceedings.

[sallyseton]

He is being U, but so are you, a little. Wedding in Slovakia sounds like a lovely idea in theory but obviously innapropriate with school, etc.

I know you must be very stressed but concentrate on when and where contact will take place, how he explains to her why he doesn't live in UK is up to him and he doesn't have to inform you. In an ideal world he would be open to discussion like this ( and he might be in the future- is he bitter? ) but as he is being U concentrate on the most important things, like contact and child support, for now and hopefully soon you will be able to co parent without rowing.

Mediation sounds like a good idea to get thibgs sorted. Neither of you wilk have things exactly the way you might like at the end of it but a compromise will be reached. Don't worry about any lies he might be telling-it will be obvious that he is and is unlikely to alter outcome.

[Spero]

But sallyseton, I think that he HAS to tell me what he has said to her. She asks me all sorts of questions - why isn't daddy in the UK, why didn't he want to stay, he doesn't want to live with me... surely this is something that he and I have to talk about together so we have a consistent story?

I think it is really causing her distress and all I can say is 'I don't know'.

I am really really furious with him, but I don't want to stop contact to punish him. But I just don't see how he is putting her emotional well being first or even anywhere in his deliberations.

[sallyseton]

Why not over autumn half term?

[sallyseton]

Wow, that must be difficult. But could you not tell her the truth? Daddy's there because he's studying (is that right).

Sorry to hear this is making your dd upset. I can see how that would make you want some answers. But truth is the way to go, or as much of it as is appropriate.

[Spero]

Because I have said easter, Christmas and summer hols. I work full time so I have made arrangments for my daugther to stay with my mum while she is off school. He hasn't said anything about the length of time, and I don't want to have to sort out childcare for a day here or a day there. He obviously doesn't even think about practical things like that, which is another source or irritation.

[GypsyMoth]

you should know if you're a family lawyer that talk about his girlfriend,private life etc,has nothing to do with contact! what judge would insist onhim answering 15 questions of your choice before re instating his contact?

do they email?
do they webcam?
do they skype?

[Spero]

All he has told me is that his priorities have not changed but his plans have. What the fuck is that supposed to mean???

He then said he has separated from his girlfriend but would not be applying for a new job in the UK until August 2010??? Why? He won't answer that one. I don't believe he is separated, but again, he refuses to say yes or no.

So all I can do is tell my daughter a lie. Daddy isn't coming back yet because he can't get a job or somesuch. I am just seething that I am the one who has to tell her lies to make things alright for him.

But maybe that is best for her. I really don't know.

[GypsyMoth]

you left him in australia?? you came back to uk with her?

[Spero]

Yes. I left Australia. I couldn't work out there, he refused to marry me and I was paying half of everything apart from our rent and running out of money. I also couldn't get free treatment out there (I have an artifical leg) so I was looking at a hospital bill of $15,000. He had been horrible to me for about three years so I didn't think it would change.

I told him in Feb 08 that if things didn't get better I would have to go, but I didn't want to as I still loved him. He went to counselling but was very angry and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. I think he just didn't love me anymore and didn't have the balls to tell me so.

So I don't see what else I could have done. I thought he would come back and get a job in london and we could co parent.

[Spero]

They do skype but it is very ad hoc. He refuses to agree a fixed time or day so often we are out.

Of course his new relationship is not my business. But having my daughter staying over night with him and his new girlfriend without telling me or discussing it with me IS my business, especially when my daughter comes home and says daddy wouldn't let me get out of bed in the morning.

Why?? Because he was having sex?? I just don't know, so I assume the worst.

God, it is making me so angry just typing this. #

But I guess the general consensus is I am being unreasonable and I should at least go to mediation.

I have to put my daughter to bed now as it is negligently late, but thanks all for the feedback. I will certainly think about mediation but how I will get thru it without stabbing him in the eye with a pen is another thing..

[SagacityNell]

YABU. Surely he already has restricted access if he travels from Australia to UK to be with her?

[primarymum]

I was in a similar position, ex moved to other side of world, we ( myself and two sons aged 3 and 5 at the time)were meant to join him but he decided he would rather live on his own ( except he had company!!!!) So he stayed abroad, we stayed here. Didn't tell the boys anything, left that to me. I told them the semi-truth, that Daddy was living away from home and would see them when he was in the country, there wasn't much else I could say! Yes I have had to "lie" to them, but that mainly involved not teliing them he was coming to see them until he actually arrived, as he is notoriously unreliable and often didn't make it! But if he is in the country, which is 1/2 times a year he sees them ( although not to take out of school) whether it was previously agreed or not, if he is here on business, he has them at the weekends, if he is here during the holidays he has them as much as he wants, to me it does seem a little like cutting of your nose to spite him by saying he can only see your DD at specific times.

[GypsyMoth]

sorry,but if you really are a family lawyer then you will know that new partners are non of your business and should not interfere with contact!!! if there are no welfare issues,then its up to him how her parents his child in HIS time. he's her father,got equal rights to you and its up to him how he explains it.

you were happy enough to go to counselling....you should know that mediation will be requested before you go into court anyway.

the girlfriend staying overnight can't be policed by you....same in reverse for any people you have to stay

[Spero]

I accept the comments, except for the one that his new relationship is no business of mine. It is, if he is introducing my daughter to new girlfriends without any warning or discussion. As a family lawyer, I know that is relevant. It has the potential to emotionally harm her.

I just don't understand why he can't be open with me and we can discuss things for the benefit of our daughter.

OK, I will agree to mediate but I really can't see how I will ever be able to agree to ad hoc contact or what on earth we will talk about in mediation as he won't engage with any of the issues I have put before him.

But as this will go on for at least a decade I suppose we've got to try.

[SagacityNell]

Will you be contacting him if/when you meet someone new and want to introduce your DD to them?

[GypsyMoth]

his relationship really is none of your business....he is under no obligation to divulge any details about either her,or his relationship. i have never heard of any judge forcing that...have you? have you been in court where a judge has said he needs details of a new relationship in the absence of welfare issues?if there are welfare concerns then cafcass would be involved

there are many,many lp's here on mn who know nothing/little of new partners.you say 'no warning or discussion'....he doesnt need to with you...but he may do with dd. up to him....he needs no discussion with you. what details do you need to know?

[Spero]

Yes. I said to him that what I thought we should both do, is if we wanted to introduce our daughter to someone we were serious about and who therefore had the potential to play a significant role in each other's life, we should tell each other about our plans and at least inform each other about the new person's name!!

Otherwise, how on earth can I make this normal and ok for my daughter? She talks about daddy's friend who stays the night, then got upset and said daddy wouldn't let me out of bed in the morning.

Of course I am jealous and bitter that he moved on so quickly but I know full well I can't stop contact because I'm jealous and bitter. But he could make this so much easier for me and for her and I just don't understand why he won't unless its just because he is a useless selfish cock.

I really think i need to go back to counselling as I am getting so wound up just writing about it, I'm obviously not over it. which is bloody annoying as it has been two years.