to restrict contact until I get some answers to my questions?

[Spero]

I would really appreciate some feedback. I am feeling sad and confused. I want to do the right thing but I know there is a real danger that my emotions may be getting in the way of what is the right thing for my daughter.

Long story short, she is five and I left her father when she was 3; we had moved to Australia on a two year visa for his new job, I thought this would help us as he seemed so unhappy, I would be a SAHM, end to long commutes etc. Nothing changed, in fact he seemed to get more unhappy, no sex, he didn't want to spend time as a family etc, we tried counselling but nothing changed, he wouldn't tell me what was wrong (other than my stomach was no longer flat and I chewed and swollowed too loudly??!!)

I eventually decided after about a year of thinking about it, that he was just going to be unpleasant until I got the message so I came back to the UK in the summer of 2008. He said he would be back in April 2010 after he finished an MBA course he had started. I thought this wouldn't be too bad as he would see our daughter about four times a year.

I let him stay at my flat for Christmas 2008 and paid for him to come on holiday with us in April 2009 then in June he sent an email saying he had met someone else and now did not know when he was coming back.

I was very upset, especially when I found out in March he had spent a weekend with my daughter and his girlfriend without telling me or discussing what we would tell our daughter.

Since last summer I have been asking him over and over again what he is going to tell our daughter about his plans. She is getting increasingly anxious and upset and having crying fits at home saying she is 'no good' and that I don't love her. But she is fine at school.

I have now said that he can have contact three times a year; Easter, Christmas and summer holidays and I do not support him dipping in and out of her life without explaining to us exactly what his future plans and proposals are. I don't think ad hoc contact is fair on her as she seems to be quite confused and anxious about why he is still in Australia.

I have now discovered he has emailed my mum quoting phrases from a letter from his solicitor in which she says I am being 'thorougly unreaonsonable' and not putting my daughter first, then asking if my parents can stand up to me to persuade me to 'adopt a more reasonable stance' or are they too scared?

I was devastated to hear about this; my mum reassures me that she is not remotely scared of me and thinks I am doing the right thing but she really doesn't want to get involved.

It looks like legal proceedings are looming. He wants to go to mediation but I have said as he is refusing to answer any questions I have about his plans, then what is the point??

I am sorry this is so long. I do have very strong feelings of anger towards him as I still can't quite believe he would let us go as easily as he did and form a new relationship so quickly. Should I carry on restricting contact to something that is very clear and predicatable or should I just agree to contact whenever he is over in the UK?

[GypsyMoth]

YOU said what YOU thought you should both do??? i think the answer its there...you arent with him anymore....you can't dictate to him!

[Spero]

IloveTiffany, I have acted in probably 100s of cases where the Judge has ordered that the new boyfriend/girlfriend is not to be part of contact, not to turn up at hand overs etc. Of course it is relevant if it is causing massive tension. This hurts the children. I am not saying this shows the adults to be mature and sensible because it clearly doesn't, but I don't understand why you have a hard time understanding why it could be relevant.

I think I am entitled to at least know the name of the person my daughter may be spending significant periods of time with. So I can say when she comes home - how are daddy and X? and make it normal and ok for her.

But I sense we are going to have to agree to disagree about this issue.

[Spero]

I guess my problem is that when my daughter's welfare is involved I think I CAN and should dictate to him about certain matters.

You wouldn't let an ex drive your child around if he was drunk or had no car seats fitted? There are some things which remain BOTH our business.

I am just worried that I am not on the right side of the line. The general view seems to be that I do need to rethink.

But I still think he is a selfish cock. I have spoken to other friends who are fathers and they just don't understand how he can bear to be away from her. But clearly there are men like that around, as another poster has told me. I think she has a very mature attitude, maybe I'm just not there yet.

[primarymum]

But we're not talking about adhoc contact, simply that if he is in this country it seems prefectly reasonable that he sees his daughter. Whilst it would be "simpler" if he only came at specified times, life is not always like that, my ex sometimes came back to England on business, was I meant to say "Sorry, you can't see your sons this week, you're not allowed until next month, go away and fly half way round the world again in two weeks time please!"

[poppy34]

Spero I don't know what to advise for best but can I urge you if you are serious to go back to counselling.
My mother didn't and access to my father was non existent in end (I know you are not talking about this) but anything you van do to move beyond your understandable pains and help ease things for your dd (even If your dp is being unreasonable at times) is to be applauded. Different facts but I still feel fallout 30 years on from this and I may understand why but I can't necessarily forgive my
Mother for not doing more for contact.

[Spero]

I just worry she is not coping with the random contact. He seems to want to fit her in when he is on a business trip or seeing other friends. I thought if I said a week at Easter, week at Christmas and two weeks over summer we would all know where we stand.

Poppy - if he was back in the UK I would be more than happy to have the 'usual' regime of every other weekend and half the school holidays. I would fancy the break!

I know it is a wicked thing to deprive a chld of her father - she needs to be able to make up her own mind about him when she is older. But we've had ad hoc contact all last year and I am really worried about her anxieties. She keeps saying she is 'no good' which is a horrible thing to hear from a five year old.

So I want him to either come back to the UK or be honest with me about what he is doing before I feel comfortable with letting him have contact whenever he can fit her in.

[GypsyMoth]

those cases you've acted at i assume are in court for a reason?? either welfare issues or because one party took issue with a new girlfriend and was frustrating contact??

there is no problem here....except the one you are creating.

and anyway,your dd is already introduced to the girlfriend. what more do you need to know now?

as for him and legal proceedings...he'll need to make numerous trips to uk wont he?

[primarymum]

Sorry, but perhaps I see it differently, I don't view it as "fitting them in" when on a business trip,but rather "seeing them whenever he can". Yes, I would rather he lived in this country so he could see them more often, but he doesn't so we both do the best we can for our children.

[Spero]

Ok, Ilovetiffany, we will just have to agree to disagree. I don't think this is just my problem.

primarymum, as I said I guess I have a way to go with my feelings. I just feel that he treats her like a toy he can pick up when it is convenient for him and this is making her suffer. So I seriously wonder whether it is better for her to have fixed and regular contact times. I worry that I will never be able to feel as you do that he is genuinely doing the best he can. He has no reason to be in Australia, all his family are here and he could easily get a job in the UK. Maybe not his dream job but he certainly would work and earn a reasonable salary.

[Spero]

Thank you all for the feedback. I guess there is not much point asking for advice if you are not going to take it.

I will email him now and say I agree to mediation. I just wish it didn't hurt so much still, I had really thought I would be over it after two years.

We will see what happens. I still want answers to my questions and I want reassurance that he is going to put her first and move back to the UK.

[primarymum]

I wouldn't hold out for the "moving back" bit, my ex never did and 13 years later is still abroad! To be honest, I now much prefer it, I have brought up my sons the way I want to and I run my life the same way! He is rather controlling and simply doesn't get the opportunity! He sees his sons usually twice a year-one year they spent the summer with him, the rest of the time they are mine! We ALL have a good relationship because we have the time and the space to make one, he stays with me when he comes over to see the children ( who are 16 and 18 now!) and speaks or e-mails them at least once a week. If you insist that your ex comes back here ( and quite honestly I don't see how you can) you will always have resentment and anger on both sides, I found it easier and better for my children just to let it go and make the best of what I have!

[Animation]

Damn right you're still hurt and angry by how his betrayed you - dragging you over to Australia, acting like a complete nob, abandoning you both and finding someone else. Sounds fickle and shallow to me - probably a self-absorbed narcissist. I think you're right in suspecting he doesn't put your child first - and it'a frustrating dilemma for you. I hope you can emotionally let him go - better this happened early on in the relationship than later. In the meantime I guess you have to figure out these access arrangements.

[RunawayWife]

He is being a twat, get a good lawyer and get rid of him

[slushy]

I would be fuming in your position, he dragged you to a foreign country away from your family and friends emotionally abused you by saying things like your stomach is not flat. He did only what was best for him not you and your dd.
Then he dropped you like a sack of spuds and got a new girlfriend with a presumably flat pre-children stomach.

I don't think you have a right to say where he lives but you have every right to know his intentions, and if I were to split with my partner I would tell him I am in a relationship and I am going to introduce to my children, I would expect the same courtesy in return. He seems like a control freak my dad lived abroad and we had set times he could come over and see me. Because he usually took me on holiday, this man seems to want to be in control and make you drop all your plans when he says jump, otherwise why would he have not contacted you regarding seeing your dd in August.

I think you should go to mediation and perhaps you will get some of this stuff sorted.

[NotQuiteCockney]

You sound very very angry with him, understandably.

But this anger isn't really helping you, or your daughter.

Have you spoken to anyone, in a counselling sort of profession, about your situation? It might help you calm down and deal with all this in a more relaxed way ...

[Spero]

Yes, NQC, I did have counselling last year as I had a kind of mini nervous breakdown when he told me he wasn't coming back... I suppose I had been hoping he would realise that he would miss us and come back and it was like breaking up all over again when I realised finally he would not.

Trouble is, when you factor in babysitting it is about £80 a go and I didn't get home until 9pm and it was just too expensive and tiring. I could only afford about five sessions; it was helpful to some extent but I think I have just never had time in the past two years to really think about what has happened. So I probably need to think about going again; I am really surprised and shocked about how angry and upset talking about things on here has made me.

But thank you, it has really helped to see that I was being unreasonable about mediation. If I go and he is a twat then at least I can say I tried.

I emailed him last night to say I would go and haven't heard a thing back, so maybe he won't be so keen to press for it now I have agreed!

I appreciate we are not a couple anymore but he CHOSE to have a child; she didn't ask to be born so I do think he has an obligation to be near her while she is so little and while she needs him. When she is older we can be much more flexible about how often she travels to see him and she may actually enjoy talking to him on the phone etc.

I guess I just feel so stupid that I thought deep down he was a decent man who loved us but just found it hard to show.

[sallyseton]

Oh spero

I think you need to concentrate on you a little more- you're feeling very insecure I think. Of course your ex will always be annoying, but would you stop feeling insecure if he changed?

Re: your daughter, I do think you have to take what your ex is offering for your daughter. It's so important for her to know her daddy and there are lots of men who refuse to see their dc at all, or are banned from seeing them. Your situation could be lots worse. but yes, it's not ideal and you're entitled to feel upset by the way things are working out.

I can totally understand how you ex crashing back into your life as and when he feels like it would be extremely stressful for you given the way he treated you. Perhaps you want to take back control of your own life but you're still feeling like your life revolves around him? (puts psychologist hat on, tell me if i'm talking out of my arse).

It's important that your dd feels secure, and the first step towards that is a happy mummy.

MIND can direct you to cheap therapy and there is usually less of a waiting list for group therapy on the nhs.

[Spero]

thank you sallysetson, I think you are right, I am having hard time letting go as it made it quite clear he didn't find me attractive and that has always been a difficult issue for me because of my disability. I am definitely still emotionally attached to him, albeit in a very unhealthy way.

But it looks like the mediation is set up now, although he sent me an unpleasant email saying he hoped it would be a 'reality check' for me!!

I think he is assuming I will get told what an unreasonable cow I am, but I honestly don't think asking for some predictability about his contact is unreasonable. We will see what they say, and I will check out what therapy I can get on the NHS in the meantime. Don't want to spend the next two years going round the same circle...

[Starbuck999]

It must be very hard for you to have to deal with him starting a new relationship and introducing his new partner to your daughter - but I do believe YABU to try and insist that he has to run it past you before he lets your dd meet her/ any new person in his life. You are both her parents and therefore you both get to decide what is good for her. When she is with him she is in his care and as long as there is nothing untoward happening or any harm coming to her then he can introduce her to whoever he likes, as can you when she is with you.

How do you know her anxieties and saying "she is no good" are to do with only seeing her dad a few times a year? I'm sure she realises that as he lives so far away that he comes to see her as often as he can. Perhaps there is another cause? Or perhaps she is sensing you are stressed about the situation and it is making her a little stressed about it too?

I think you are right to want to have some sort of agenda for his yearly visits but I do think these should be negotiated around her school holidays and around what is best fo both of you. It must cost a fortune to fly over from Australia many times a year, so surely it makes sense he sees he when he is here for business as well as planned trips too?

As for the wedding... she's 5 right? Two days off school to attend her own dad wedding is not unreasonable at all. Noy mnay school swill decline a request for 2 days leave in term time to attend a parents wedding. If they do decline, just let her have it as unauthorised absence, as the school will be being unreasonable - that's what I'd do anyway. It's not going to harm her education in the long run and I'm sure she'd love the chance to see her dad getting married. It sounds as if it is you who doesn't like the thought of it, how do you know it won't be "child friendly?"

[Spero]

Starbuck - I am not saying he needs my approval to have a relationship but that I expect the simple courtesy of a warning that he is going to spend the weekend with our daughter and a new girlfriend; to know her name and to know how he has explained it to our daughter. I am not going to change my mind about that. I don't give a stuff if there are loads of feckless selfish shits who don't tell their ex partners anything - I would tell him if and when I introduce our daugther to someone who could be very significant in her life.

And it WAS NOT his wedding!! he said it was a friends wedding!! Who would be looking after her while he was getting pissed with his mates??

As there was only one other child going, I sincerely doubt that it would have been remotely child friendly. She would have been dumped in a hotel room while he went on the piss. I don't know why he even wanted her there, unless it really was his wedding and it is another thing he isn't brave enough to tell me.

And when my daughter is crying and saying she misses her daddy and why doesn't he want to live with her... er I rather reach the conclusions that she is sad because he isn't here???

Of course I am fucking anxious and upset. If he was any kind of man he would recognise this and make things easier for me and her instead of apparently going out of his way to fuck me over.

Well, one thing is clear, I need to get back to therapy for myself asap.

[GypsyMoth]

thing is...you mention he's taking it to court. this isnt really going to stand up in court,you cant impose your standards on someone else and then cut contact when you dont get your own way.

courts really wont take kindly to this. have just spent 2 years in the system myself,picked up alot too. from what you've said,there are no issues here,except your own

this child in the middle isnt your property. you dont have the right to keep her away from her dad anyway.....you dont have rights,only responsibilities. your child is the one with the rights

[Spero]

I haven't said he is taking it to court. He has spoken to a solcitor, that's all I know. he woudl find it difficult to run a court action here whilst based in Australia.

I have been a family lawyer for ten years, so I too am familiar with the court system.

My point is that he is not putting her welfar first by requesting ad hoc contact with no preditability or regularity for her and by failing to explain to her why he is not living in the UK. It is my conclusion that this is causing her emotional harm, judging from her behaviour over the last year.

So thanks for the legal advice, but I know damn well that argument will be taken very seriously by a judge.

I have taken on board the advice that I am unreasonable to refuse mediation but I am not going to be lectured about my daughter's welfare and the family courts. So thanks, but no thanks.

She has a right to know him. He has a responsibility to but her welfare first, not his own wants. He has missed her 4th and 5th birthdays.

[LookToWindward]

So, you ask for opinions. When you're given an opinion you don't like you argue the toss.

This sounds like it's all about you rather than your daughter.

You are being unreasonable - and childish with it.

[Spero]

I have asked for opinions. And I have valued those opinions which were obviously based on reading and understanding my post.

Opinions offered on misunderstanding what I say (eg that it was his wedding) or trying to say that I am being unreasonable for caring about my daughter's welfare, I reject.

If that makes me unreasonable and childish in your eyes, then so be it. sorry you feel that way.