to restrict contact until I get some answers to my questions?

[Spero]

I would really appreciate some feedback. I am feeling sad and confused. I want to do the right thing but I know there is a real danger that my emotions may be getting in the way of what is the right thing for my daughter.

Long story short, she is five and I left her father when she was 3; we had moved to Australia on a two year visa for his new job, I thought this would help us as he seemed so unhappy, I would be a SAHM, end to long commutes etc. Nothing changed, in fact he seemed to get more unhappy, no sex, he didn't want to spend time as a family etc, we tried counselling but nothing changed, he wouldn't tell me what was wrong (other than my stomach was no longer flat and I chewed and swollowed too loudly??!!)

I eventually decided after about a year of thinking about it, that he was just going to be unpleasant until I got the message so I came back to the UK in the summer of 2008. He said he would be back in April 2010 after he finished an MBA course he had started. I thought this wouldn't be too bad as he would see our daughter about four times a year.

I let him stay at my flat for Christmas 2008 and paid for him to come on holiday with us in April 2009 then in June he sent an email saying he had met someone else and now did not know when he was coming back.

I was very upset, especially when I found out in March he had spent a weekend with my daughter and his girlfriend without telling me or discussing what we would tell our daughter.

Since last summer I have been asking him over and over again what he is going to tell our daughter about his plans. She is getting increasingly anxious and upset and having crying fits at home saying she is 'no good' and that I don't love her. But she is fine at school.

I have now said that he can have contact three times a year; Easter, Christmas and summer holidays and I do not support him dipping in and out of her life without explaining to us exactly what his future plans and proposals are. I don't think ad hoc contact is fair on her as she seems to be quite confused and anxious about why he is still in Australia.

I have now discovered he has emailed my mum quoting phrases from a letter from his solicitor in which she says I am being 'thorougly unreaonsonable' and not putting my daughter first, then asking if my parents can stand up to me to persuade me to 'adopt a more reasonable stance' or are they too scared?

I was devastated to hear about this; my mum reassures me that she is not remotely scared of me and thinks I am doing the right thing but she really doesn't want to get involved.

It looks like legal proceedings are looming. He wants to go to mediation but I have said as he is refusing to answer any questions I have about his plans, then what is the point??

I am sorry this is so long. I do have very strong feelings of anger towards him as I still can't quite believe he would let us go as easily as he did and form a new relationship so quickly. Should I carry on restricting contact to something that is very clear and predicatable or should I just agree to contact whenever he is over in the UK?

[GypsyMoth]

look,YOU brought her back to uk.....you should have thought of all of this before then!! why didnt you if you're such a great 'family lawyer' then you'd have known what would happen

you say proceedings are looming in your op....i take from that that court action is about to happen

you ask if you should carry on restricting contact or just agree to contact when he's in uk??? just agree to the contact then,you have no rights to restrict her seeing her dad......its just flimsy excuses

i think you need counselling for your own problems

[slushy]

"o, you ask for opinions. When you're given an opinion you don't like you argue the toss.

This sounds like it's all about you rather than your daughter.

You are being unreasonable - and childish with it. "

FGS not everyone thought the op was being unreasonable so what you mean is she didn't follow your opinion.

[Spero]

Dear Whitecherry

I moved to Australia in attempt to save the relationship. He was constantly irritated, verbally aggressive and resented picking up our daughter from child care while I commuted from London. I hoped that our problems might be due to our lifestyle.

It became apparent very quickly they were not. He refused to have sex with me, refused to touch me, refused to go out with us as a family and refused to discuss what was wrong.

I have an artificial leg so could get no free treatment in Australia. I was faced with paying $15,000 for a new leg or returning to England for treatment. I could not work as my qualifications were not recognised. It would have cost $10,000 to go back to college to satisfy their legal practice board.

I was paying half of everything save rent, he paid 3 weeks out of every four. I was spending my savings which came out of selling our house. I was running out of money.

What would you have done?

thanks slushy, that is what I was trying to say. I appreciate I can't whinge if I get opinions I have asked for, but I don't have to accept everything that is said.

But a big thanks for everyone's help, mediation is now set up for August and I will try and arrange some counselling for me as I dont think it is healthy to be so angry and bitter two years down the line.

thanks primarymum especially for sharing your experiences, but I am in awe of how you coped with that situation and even have an amicable relationship with your ex in the circs.

[mumofthreesweeties]

I wouldnt restrict contact, but merely reinforce to him that you need specific dates as to when he is coming to pick up DD. If he is unable to provide those then you provide him with dates that are convenient for you and DD. If he fails to comply with that then arguably that will be his own fault for not having contact. Restricting it will undboubtedly lead to legal action which will be emotionally draining for you and DD.

I am having similar problems with my EXH re our DS who is 13. His contact is highly inconsistent and indeed when he wants to see DS he will usually give me less than 24hours notice of this request and I am expected to pack all of DS's clothes etc. I have usually complied with it but after Xmas where he insisted on picking up my DS despite the fact that he has spent the last 8 christmases with him; and we had a special function as my great grandma was in the UK. I decided to stop being so understanding and make things more formal.

I had a very laid back approach wherein if he didnt come and pick up DS I never bothered with him so as to have an easy life. He never communicates with any of us until the day before he texts to say he is coming the next day. Since Christmas last year he has spoken with his son not more than three times. I am just counting the days until my son is 16 and I am going to tell him to jump off a cliff.... I hate how he has affected my son's confidence by not being reassured that his father loves him and cares about him. My DS constantly wonders why he doesnt call, come and pick him up etc. Fair enough he lives about 2hours away from us, but that is not the other end of the world......

These things are so difficult to deal with espcially with a crying DC who is just so confused and wonders whether their DF not contacting them is because they dont love them. I feel for you and your DS and wish you all the best.

[Spero]

I am sorry to hear that mumofthree. How have you dealt with it with your DS? do you and he talk about it?

I am just at a loss at what to say to my daughter - I can say 'daddy loves you' but if daddy is living in another country and is apparently making no efforts to come back, that is going to sound pretty hollow in a few years.

I am very impressed you can be so laid back. I would have been having a nervous breakdown after just a few months of your ex's behaviour, never mind years and years.

[mumofthreesweeties]

Spero - I have spoken with my DS and explained the situation. TBH because he hardly ever goes there or even thinks of his dad when its birthdays or fathers day at all. Instead my DH now is the one he really gets on with as we have been together since DS was two. It is really difficult sometimes to be laid back but I have just learnt to for the sake of my DS. There are times when I wish I could skin him alive for his lack of care (no call to wish good luck for SATS or to ask him about Y7 place or even knowing about the name of the school DS goes to). He then had the nerve to say he was going to take DS and live with him to which I replied that it would be over my dead body and I would see him in court. Needless to say that was the last I heard of the conversation. It is really tough but just hold strong for your DD and make sure that the decisions you make will benefit her. I loathe my EXH extremely but have to be amicable for the sake of DS. Good luck

[Spero]

I am impressed that you can be so strong. I guess it must help your DS having a father figure in your husband, so he won't feel the loss so keenly, but it must still hurt knowing your dad doesn't even know or care what school he goes to.

I suppose what I really struggle with is how these men can father children and then just walk away. But I know it is not uncommon. My mind just boggles.

thanks for sharing about your situation. It does help knowing that other people have been thru it.

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

It's totally fine to ask the mediator for help in asking for an explanation. In other words, in order to move forward, you need to revisit the past, albeit briefly, to get an explanation. Of course this would be separate from counselling, and as you know the crux of mediation is to define what the the future looks like, and how you will move together as parents. Looks like he is going to be a holiday kind of dad, which has its advantages and disadvantages.

It sounds though as if you are treating you and DD as a package; you want an explanation about your relationship falling apart, and until you get some answers, then you are going to restrict contact.

Your ex though seems a bit confused about mediation. Although saying he wants mediation, he then is contacting your mom for some reason. By his actions he is winding things up.

So, don't be surprised if he tries to use mediation to get agreement for his point of view only and convince you that you are being unreasonable. Not that the mediator will allow this to happen...

[Animation]

"What I really struggle with is how these men can father children and just walk away."

I know. It's not good is it - he doesn't have a great deal of integrity. At least you know for sure now. Before, the signs were there but it was when he hurt your kid that
the penny to dropped.

Men like these are just a law unto themselves and do as they please, and get away with it - bloody maddening.

[giagindi]

Spero - I don't think you're being unreasonable. What would be good though is that you use your questions of your ex as the basis for mediation. Also, as you're a lawyer you've probably already done this, but I would be getting all the details of where and when and how he's contacted your parents or anyone else connected to you? It seems very strange that he is ignoring your correspondence yet has no qualms in reaching out to your family accusing you of scare tactics?!!

Good luck; it's a terribly difficult situation for you and your daughter, and one that is obviously causing both of you stress.

[Animation]

"I don't think it is healthy to be so angry and bitter 2 years down the line."

I think you're very normal - you're still traumatised and just FEEL it all very strongly. It's very uncomfortable to feel like this all the time, but your body will move you through. It would be worse if you'd bottled up all this - it could have made you poorly.

You've obviously had other traumas in your life too and this with your ex could have brought everything to the surface.

[gobsmackedetal]

Spero, YABU.

He's actually willing to travel all the way from australia to the UK to see his daughter and you say NO to half term because you have made arrangements with your mum????

what strikes me as totally wrong here is the assumption that your daughter is YOURS, you took her back to the UK with you (because children belong to the vagina-bearers, right?!!?), you now want to decide whether or not she gets to see her dad.

How would you feel if he took her to australia under agreement and then stopped you from seeing her.

And he can afford to travel back and forth 4 times a year? I'd marry him

BTW, I think we ALL know now you're a family lawyer, you can stop repeating it

[Animation]

"BTW, I think we ALL know now you're a family lawyer, you can stop repeating it."

Hey Gobsmackedetal.

And you've got a big gob on you. If you can't say anything useful shut yout computer off - keyboard warrior

[gobsmackedetal]

heh , thanks animation

[gillybean2]

I did think you were BU to refuse mediation, but you have now agreed to that so that is good.

I do think you are BU to insist on knowing details of the OW. You have told your ex you want details of anyone significant. Well maybe he doesn't think she is significant (it's not for you to decide what is and isn't significant for him).
Or maybe he thinks you will refuse contact or your dd will be 'ill' if he tells you in advance that OW will be there too. These things happen a lot.
If it was just a friend you wouldn't need to know anything. And if he was taking her to visit relatives or family or for a weekend away you may like to know but you don't have the right to know. You have to trust that he will not allow harm to come to your dd. I know that is hard when he has hurt you, but you have to accept it is not your responsibility what happens when she is with him. That is their time and you are not part of it.
In the same way as that at school you don't always know who is teaching your child and what is being said or done, but you have to trust that it is OK and she is safe.
So just take it that she's a friend and get on with it. Once you let go of this and accept that you can't be responsible for his behaviour and actions it will be a lot easier for you. And your dd will find out in time what he's like anyhow.

If your dd asks anything about OW you simply say that you don't know anything about his friend's and suggest that dd will need to ask him about it.

Two years is not a long time to deal with your feelings. Don't be hard on yourself or try and rush through the grieving process. It takes time and you need to give yourself that time without feeling like it should be fixed by now.

You need to be reasuring your dd and helping her deal with the issues she has. My ds's father has no contact and never has. My ds often asks about his dad and if his dad doesn't like him or if he did something wrong. It's heartbreaking but I simply tell him how much he is loved by me and his gp's and that not everyone lives with a dad at home.

You have to be stong for your dd. And you also have to be the one bending over backwards to ensure she has contact with her dad. Because she clearly wants and needs it. So if he is in the UK and it's not one of the holiday's you have specified then you need to accomodate as best you can. The harder you make contact the more likely he is to vanish, and that will leave your dd even more distraught and unhappy.

As you should know, court will look very briefly at what any situation is. If you can show you are being reasonable and putting your dd's best interests first then you will not have any problems should it end up there. If you are dictating when contact can take place, who dd is allowed to see when she's with her father and refusing mediation (I know you've reconsidered this now) then it's going to be you who appears unreasonable. No matter how reasonable it appears to you.

Use the mediation to help you explore your concerns and to show your Ex that you are putting your dd first and why you are worried about OW, contact, how she is etc. Don't expect him to believe you, he doesn't want to after all. But use the time to try and work through to an arrangement where there is regular (agreed times) for skype etc and possibly contact when he is in the UK as long as he gives you enough notice and doesn't expect you to cancel family plans etc at the drop of a hat.

You'll be ok in time. Your dd needs you to be strong and put your own feelings aside for her benefit to ensure she will be too.

It is a horrible situation I know, but it will get better if you allow it too. Much easier said than done though, especially when you are hurting so much yourself still.
Best wishes

[Spero]

Thank you for all the suggestions, especially for saying that you don't think it is abnormal that I'm still feeling it after two years - had read loads of self help books that said 'normal and healthy' grieving is 1 year to 18 months so I was worried I was over the line!

but what I am still having trouble with is the suggestion that it is unreasonable of me to want a explanation from him? This is for my daughter's benefit. I am very worried about some of her behaviour (long crying fits, saying she is 'no good' and that no one loves her,asking where her dad is etc) and that it indicates that she feels abandoned by him. Therefore I thinks SHE needs an explanation from him, so he can reassure her he loves her etc. I have asked her if daddy has talked to her about it and she says no. He has refused to explain it to me. I don't think I am being unreasonable about this one.

Dear Gob, sorry if I have given you the impression I am going on about my profession. I thought I had mentioned it twice in answer to questions? It is only valid in this situation because I am well aware of how the courts will treat this situation and I've had the chance to run it by some senior colleagues, which was also helpful. For what its worth, their general advice is that he should be a holiday dad because children of her age need predictability and regularity, not a dad dipping in and out of their life when he feels like it.

You can propose to him if you like btw but as he never married me and told me he didn't want to marry anyone (not even the mother of your child??!!??) don't hold your breath about getting that ring...

I left Australia with her because I couldn't stay for all the reasons I've already gone into exhaustively. At no time did he say - I don't want you to take her, I will look after her, you come back and visit... As he generally spent only two hours with her on a Saturday taking her to swimming and I did everything else, the chances of him breaking into his work, drinking and kite surfing schedule to take care of a small child seemed pretty bloody remote.

So I absolutely don't accept your suggestion that I am one of those women who think that just because I gave birth she is 'mine'. She is not 'mine' or 'his', she is a person in her own right who just happens at this stage in her life to need care and attention from at least one parent to survive. And I happened to be that parent. He didn't appear to ever give much of a crap about either of us.

You can't reduce this kind of situation to those kind of unhelpful and distorted comments.

[ilovemydogandMrObama]

Seems to me that if he was able to articulate/communicate like a grown up, then he would have done so by now. He may not know himself why he is behaving like he does, and think if you keep pushing him for a rational explanation, you will merely get justifications. He will feel that he needs to justify/defend his actions, so will start either re writing history or some other non sequitur reason(s).

It is often the case that the resident parent is left trying to explain a situation that doesn't make sense to a child. Perhaps something along the lines of, 'well, I don't know about Daddy's reasons, but what would you like to tell him? Would you like me to help you write a letter to him?'

Maybe concentrate on her feelings when she brings up the subject, be honest and say, 'I don't know' and reassure her that it isn't her fault as kids tend to blame themselves.

It would be ideal if you and ex could agree what to tell her, but seems a bit late for that, although would be an issue in mediation?