son violenty allergic to dogs and father (my ex) has one - advice?

[debra64]

Though I've posted on other peoples threads before I've never done this myself and I'm not even sure I'm raising this subject in the right place, but I think any input will be helpful at the moment so here goes!

My son is nearly 7 and one of his allergies is to dogs. We had a dog once which we had for one year, from being a pup, and he was fine with it. However, I moved house and a friend looked after the dog for a couple of weeks while the move was going on. When we got him back, in the new house, my son started reacting to him straight away. Over the course of a few hours he ranged from hay-fever type symptoms, with red blotches on the face to coughing and breathing difficulties. The emergency doctor came out and prescribed him a stronger anti-histamine than I had given him and also an inhaler as he said he seemed to be asthmatic. He advised me the dog had to go - I immediately took him back to the friend, who arranged for him to be rehomed. The doctor advised no contact with dogs as the reaction was quite severe and further contact may make it develop into an anaphylactic reaction.

Since then, after a couple of years, the doctor has said he is definitely not asthmatic. However he stil gets this asthmatic type reaction if he comes into contact with a dog.

My ex has now married a lady with a dog. He's promised lots of times to keep the dog locked away from the children when they have a contact visit with him. Each time they return I hear that this hasn't happened and my son has been ill, though my ex denies it. He says 'oh he sneezed a little but he's been fine'. I then hear from one of the boys that actually he coughed til he was sick and daddy had him up in the night, steaming him in the bathroom to try to help his cough. (I've told him not to do that and it doesn't work for an allergic reaction, in fact makes it work). He also gave him cough medicine which did nothing for the allergy and just gave him a chesty cough to go along with it.

I've supplied my ex with piriton to use and also an inhaler just in case my son gets breathing difficulties. This is in case there are any allergens around the house even though he promises he will vacuum thoroughly before they arrive and after the dog is supposedly locked away.

During the summer holidays there were a couple of incidences when I was with him and he had accidental contact with dogs. In one case a dog jumped up at him in the park. It touched his bear arms and licked his face. The reaction was quite frightening and very quick - faster and worse than the initial reaction I'd had at home. He got the same reactions - hay-fever type, breathing difficulties, coughing, but also his face and skin came out in red weals as if he'd been scalded. I wondered if the severity was because of having occasional contact with the ex's dog (he visits overnight once every 4 weeks). I saw the doctor, alone because the medicine worked and he was recovered after a few hours, and asked if this was likely. He said it was - and really he just needed to be kept away from dogs, altogether.

After a recent summer holiday visit to the ex it was clear from the conversation that the dog isn't locked away and my son had been ill again. Partly from the dog and partly because his new step-mother had baked cakes with eggs (which he is violently allergic to too) and told him not to be silly when he said he couldn't eat anything with egg in it - so he ate some and was sick. My son looked as if he'd lost weight, was pale and still had a cough from the contact with the dog.

I've been emailing my ex back and forth all week about this and have told him that I want a written guarantee that he (and his wife) will safeguard our son's health and ensure he has no contact with either eggs or dogs. He has ignored my request and just keeps emailing me asking when he can have them for a visit again.

I've even sent him articles on allergies and anaphylaxis to try to get him to understand my worries that continued exposure may cause him to develop a dangerous kind of reaction. I know its important for the boys to have contact with their father, but I feel like if I let my sons visit him at his home any more when its clear he's not willing to provide the written guarantee (maybe doesn't like lying in writing rather than verbally) then I am accepting that he isn't willing to give the guarantee and I'm allowing him to abuse my son and thats neglect on my part.

I emailed him last night to say if he won't give the written guarantee then I'm stopping contact visits to his house and will only allow supervised contact away from his home - maybe at a contact centre or something. I don't know anything about them or if there is one near but its worth looking into.

I know I've waffled a lot but I'm really going through it with this at the moment. My ex thinks I'm being awkward and overreacting to the situation. My hubby is away and wants to come home and knock the ex out! I'm sticking to my guns but not really sure wear I stand legally on this so its all very worrying.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Spoke to the doctor and I don't feel that he was much help.

He won't write a letter saying he shouldn't have contact with dogs because that would be like saying he shouldn't have contact with his father. He prefers to treat it from the angle that it is unavoidable that my son will have contact with dogs and he is prepared to discuss how to handle it medically from that angle. He said what if he goes to a friends house where there is a dog? I told him we always check first and if there is a dog then the friend comes to our house. Just as we always warn friend's parents that he can't eat or touch eggs.

I said I felt contact with dogs is avoidable and I don't want to be giving my son medicine and inhalers when it is unnecessary if he avoids dogs. Why give him steroids which have their own side effects rather than just keep him away from dogs?

He said in his opinion he IS asthmatic (because he shows that kind of reaction to dogs, even if its the only time he shows it) and therefore we need to treat him so that he won't reactive so severely when the asthma is triggered. He also said its doubtful that the reaction might get worse and become anaphylaxic - its just as likely that he might grow out of it anyway, even with the contact, or that it might help him react less severely if he has dog contact now and again.

I still have the blue inhaler which is for emergency use if he does get an asthmatic reaction. The doctor's suggestion is that I bring him in, check his current asthma status, and get a brown inhaler too. Then I should make him use this for three to four days before he is to visit his father and during the visit (assuming I can be sure his father will make sure he uses it), using the blue inhaler as extra protection if and when he gets a reaction.

In conclusion, the doctor obviously thinks my reaction is unreasonable and its more acceptable to keep on letting him visit his father/the dog.

amazed, disappointed and frustrated

different doctor than the one who said 'well he really should just avoid dogs', same surgery.

I've thought more about this and if I took the doctor's approach I would think that would only make matters worse, as my ex would think it was ok to have dog hairs everywhere and let the children in with the dog as the medicine would treat him and make it ok.

Agree with you, Debra64. Wonder if the doc is a sympathiser of Fathers For Justice, or divorced himself?
You seem to be getting different advice every time you ask; are these different doctors? The emergency doc, the doc who said ds wasn't asthmatic, the doc you saw alone and the doc you saw today? May be worth asking your GP to refer you to an allergy specialist ? GPs aren't actually experts on allergies. They see a lot of asthma, eczema, hayfever, etc. because they are very common illnesses, but they don't have all the knowledge of specialists and they don't deal with severe cases. Explain that with all this conflicting advice, you really do need to know what is going on medically, quite apart from your ex. Did you mention egg allergy to the doc as well? I think there's a charity called Allergy UK you could contact who might be helpful.
All the advice about keeping a record of you son's symptoms and noting what happens during contact visits still stands though. Maybe worth your while going to a solicitor while you are talking to Allergy charity (had another thought, may be called Allergy Action) and seeking a referral.

Debra think I would make an appointment with the original doctor - say it's to get his asthma checked (as you have been advised) and ask HIM for the letter instead.
Doc 2 is right in that if you are around a particular animal for long enough you tend to build up a bit of resistance. So for the first couple of days at your ex's each time your son would have a miserable time and then things MIGHT calm down a bit - but that would all depends on how he is on each particular day - and how much piriton or whatever he was swallowing. It stinks, and as you say it's totally unnecessary.
My father has dogs, cats and horses - haven't lived with him since I was 14, but used to go on holidays. This year (aged 40)I decided I had had enough and told him I would rent a cottage nearby as I was sick of being unable to breath in his house. He was none too chuffed. He just can't get it into his head that his b*** horses could kill me - and the smell off his jackets etc is enough to set me off. (Have had an anaphylactic reaction to horses but not cats or dogs) Since I took this step he and my stepmum have bent over backwards to keep the house as clear as possible if I'm around - but it's taken them 26 years!!! (p.s. It's about the only place I go where I need an inhaler and an epipen just in case).
Sort it out now and it will do everyone including your dh a favour.

Something else that occured to me. If your son is asthmatic (and there seems to be a difference of opinion between doctors here) then anything that triggers his asthma should be avoided. Asthma attacks can be very serious - even fatal (in a very, very small number of cases, don't want to alarm you). Whether or not it's a 'dog allergy' or an 'asthmatic reaction to dogs', your ex shouldn't be exposing your son to dogs, full stop. Daft GP deciding it's asthma and contradicting other doctors doesn't mean it's any less serious.

My dh has asthma and as part of that is allergic to fur, feathers, grass, pretty much everything they test. He used to get very ill visiting my mum, who has three cats, so I do sympathise. But dh is a grown-up who can choose which house he visits. I really don't think it's fair of your ex to force your son to stay in a house with a dog.

Get some legal advice and get a proper, specialist's medical opinion, not some GP who merrily decides to contradict all the other docs you've seen.

The emergency doctor who advised me to rehome the dog immediately and keep my son away from dogs because it might possibly develop into an anaphylaxic reaction was the same doctor who treated my sons asthma for about a year and then announced his chest was clear and he no longer considered him to be asthmatic. (At that point he had no contact with dogs).

After that I moved house and joined the practice at the town I live in now, so I can't go back to see that doctor. One doctor at the new practice, when I asked if I was worrying too much about my son visiting his father who didn't seem to able to keep the dog away from him, just simply said 'well he really should be kept away from dogs'.

When I phoned the same surgery today to ask if I could speak to someone about it, they put me onto a different doctor who wasn't prepared to say that but opined that I should accept that he will have contact with dogs occasionally and prepare to treat the symptoms of that when it happened.

I accept that I have to treat the symptoms if such contact happens accidentally. I have piriton and the blue inhaler for that purpose. What I can't accept is that I should deliberately allow him to be in contact with a dog - not just briefly, but stay in the house where one lives - and prepare to medicate my son before during and after his visit so he can cope with it. Even if it is his father's house, I think that is unacceptable.

Even though most visits are only for 24 hours, it still takes him from a day to a few days to get over it, depending on how much contact he's had with the dog, I assume.

I'm at a bit of a loss now. I'm not sure whether to write to the doctor's to say I'm unhappy with the conflicting advice and the suggestion that I should give my son medicine which could have side affects rather than simply keep him away from that which causes him to need the medicine - and request an appointment with a specialist.

I'm also wondering whether I should contact someone else and ask their advice. He's nearly 7 now so he's beyond the stage of having a health visitor, but what about social services? I don't know much about them and whether they can help with this sort of thing and I'm a little worried that things might get out of control in some way if I contact them.

edam - if you have experience of this do you know if there is any information anywhere that would help prove that my son should indeed be kept away from triggers of any kind?

presently searching family law sites to see if I can find a precedent, but I doubt many parents would actually insist on having a dog when their child is allergic to them.

debra64, after reading your original post, my first reaction was to say, don't let your son go to your ex's house until he sorts things out. I think I probably am still of the same opinion (despite being a supporter of Fathers For Justice). However, I would suggest that your ultimate goal be to have the visits continue (as boys need their father), but maybe use the threat of no visits until things are sorted out.
I too am allergic to most cats and some dogs. I don't get a rash, but I do get a mild to bad asthmatic attack which seems to vary according to the animal (and how tired I am). I try to avoid going to people's houses overnight who have animals, but if I have to go I always take a Clarityn before getting there. There is a children's version of Clarityn (I think it's liquid). It's a non-drowsy antihistamine that I find far more effective and with less side effects than piriton.

Perhaps you could get the gp to write a letter explaining the severity of your son's allergies, without actually saying that the dog has to go. At least that will be viewed as coming from someone official and he might at least pay a little attention. We have had to deal with the opposite scenario from you where my dh's ex is constantly sending messages about how the children are allergic to the foods I give them (ie any vegetables or fresh fruit), the washing powder I use (the same as hers....I checked) etc. etc. Although, it is clear that your ds has a serious allergy, it sounds like your ex is assuming that you are like my dh's ex and just trying to be difficult. Maybe a letter from a gp just stating that your ds has these allergies would be enough without going into suggestions that he get rid of the dog.

Also, maybe you could try a different tactic and ask that he promises to his son that he will not have the dogs around him, rather than promising to you.

Debra, I think trying to get a doctor to actually sit down and write a letter to your ex about symptoms is unlikely - understandably, they just don't want to get involved in something which may compromise them.

I also think you don't need it; you're not a neurotic mother who is inventing sicknesses for her children, there is no doubt that your child has a hideous response to dogs. I agree with you that it is one thing to take medicine when there has been an unavoidable source of an asthma attack, it is quite another to deliberately put a child in the source of the attack.

I think a letter from you may not satisfy your xp, but it would satisfy a court. And if a court backs you, your xp will back down. Unless he's a lunatic, which is a possibility, I suppose. I agree with SofiaAmes that getting your xp to make a promise to his child, rather than you, might be more effective. I cannot imagine how anyone can be so cruel as to deliberately make their own child ill. It's horrible.

SofiaAmes - thanks for your input. The doctor refuses to write any letter. My ex HAS promised to my son - and broken that promise. My son already takes claritin prior to and during his visits and I have supplied my ex with one of the blue emergency inhalers for use when he reacts, which he does use. I've also supplied him with piriton for when the reaction comes (even though my ex actually denies that there is any reaction), as it seems quicker acting. However he still does get the reaction and is still up at night coughing to the point of vomiting.

Maybe the use of the brown inhaler prior to the visit might lessen the reaction more though I doubt it would prevent it. I tried this when he was diagnosed as asthmatic originally and he was still ill, coughing and vomiting, when he occasionally came into contact with the dog then, before my ex lived with his now wife and she used to bring the dog to his house while the boys were there.

The dilemma is really whether I should put him through the reaction by allowing him to visit with the dog present, however well it may be possible to manage the reaction, when managing it requires giving him medication, which has side effects, that he otherwise has no need to use on a regular basis (only in the event of accidental contact with a dog).

I sympathise with fathers who have problems seeing their kids. I have had the opposite problem - I have gone to all sorts of lengths to try to get him to see more of them over the last five years and to give me dates in advance where he is prepared to see them, rather than just phoning me a day or sometimes two in advance of when he wants them.

In fact, when the television news reported on the extreme measures some fathers have had to go to bring attention to their plight of being excluded from their kids lives, there was a sad sick joke made in my family. They said perhaps I should take my ex to court to arrange regular, consistent and planned contact - and then we could all watch him on tele performing some extreme act to draw attention to the plight of father's who were forced by strict judges to disrupt their social lives by seeing their kids on alternate weekends and for half of the school holidays.

The sad thing is that even if a court suggested this, he wouldn't take up the option of seeing them that often and I assume I wouldn't be able to make him stick to it - only he would have the right for further action if I didn't abide by the ruling in some way.

The thing with the court question is, how does that happen? We have never been to court before to agree contact - I simply agreed upon our separation and later divorce to be as flexible as possible in when he could see them because he works on a shift pattern. Because of that I don't see how I could take him to court now - only respond to any court proceedings he might decide to issue. A real worry from my boys point of view is that he might decide not to bother seeing them anymore if it means him having to take action about the dog or see them away from his home.

I donl;t think you should send the letter I think you should have a solicitor do it - and mention that you are not denying him access or contact but you are asking for it to happen somewhere else or for him to get rid of the dog and for his new wife to take the other allergy serious as any reaction could be fatal for your son.

Make the solicitor put the ball in his court - say you really want him to see his children, that you would like him to see them more but under no circumsatnces are you going to let your son go to his house and be exposed to any kind of risk.

I think a solicitor and a judge would find this the appropriate tack to take.

I know it is a very horrid thing to do but maybe let your son go one last time and on his return take him straight to the doctor, explain tot he doctor what is happeneing and then cry lots - get them to put you on ADs and that will work in your favour too!! (I know I am horrid but these men really piss me off - I would gladly kill a dog for my child - giving one away would not cause me one moments pain!!)

Twinkie - laughing at your idea of me trying to act that way at the doctor's: after our conversation today where I was quite assertive, I doubt he would believe in the act for a minute.

The thing is when we were together we had dogs and decided that because of their history as rescue dogs and occasionally unpredictable behaviour we should re-home them before trying for a family. Also, when I told him I'd had to re-home my dog because our son had had a reaction to it (after we had split up and before he met the girlfriend with a dog) his attitude one was one of 'I should think so too - you shouldn't have got a dog around small children anyway! Never mind how much they wanted one!'

He isn't actually that bothered about dogs in my experience - it was me that used to walk and groom our dogs all the time and he positively neglected them if I wasn't around to do it because of work commitments. Its his wife of a few months who had the dog and he probably doesn't want to upset her by suggesting that they should get rid of it, as she's very attached to it. He's putting her and her attachment to the dog before his son. He's told me its cruel to keep the dog cooped up in a small area or in a kennel in the garden for the duration of the boys' visit. He had no such qualms about our dogs at the time - I would come home from work at lunchtime to walk them and find two full sized german shepherds locked up in a small hallway because he didn't want them getting dog hairs everywhere!

The fact that this all seems so hyprocritical bearing in mind my previous experience of his attitude to pets (should have been a warning to me about what his attitude to kids would be) just adds insult to injury.

laughing again remembering the time they got him back: he locked them in our garden which was only about 30ft square at the most, because I couldn't get home at lunchtime to take them out, he was finishing at 2pm but didn't want to come straight home and he didn't want to risk them soiling the house. They dug a four foot hole in the garden and when he came home, in the dark, he fell into it. I laughed and said serves him right - he should have made the effort to come home and take them out and they wouldn't have got bored and dug!

He makes complaints now about the kids destroying plants in his garden while unattended - all a bit deja vu-ey really!

still reading up on allergies and how for food allergies an elimination diet is advised - wondering if I should have asked the doctor if he'd advise I should feed him egg now amd again as well?!

I've now contacted a lot of the allergy sites asking them for advice on the question of whether to avoid dogs or not. I am going to keep the appointment with the unhelpful GP and ask for referral to an allergy clinic, which one of the sites has already suggested to get a professional opinion on whether he should avoid dogs or not. Meanwhile, I'm sticking to my guns on not letting him go to my ex's house. I feel even more strongly about this after reading through all the sites, especially when I read how asthma attacks can cause scarring. I've also sent my ex a page from one site which says the only answer to pet allergy is to get rid of the pet - always worth continuing to try!

Debra, keep copies of everything you send him in case you need to use them one day.

Glad you've been looking at the allergy sites, Debra, charities like the British Lung Foundation, Allergy Action, etc. etc. do have access to expert consultants.
The more I think about this the more your ex makes my blood boil. How DARE he put this blasted dog before his children to this extent?
So glad you are sticking to your guns about your ex's house. Are you going to use Twinkie's advice and get a solicitor? Make sure the firm you use specialises in family law, and the solicitor who advises you is their family law specialist.
HTH

From the sites so far I've got one woman who says only a specialist can say what is best for sure and one man who says practically the same as my doctor - that its impossible to avoid dogs and I should medicate him.

When hubby gets home I'm going to discuss the solicitor thing with him. He thought the doctor's idea was ridiculous but then he has a brother sixteen years younger than him with similar problems and has watched the effects of the medicines on him as well as the effect contact with dogs has.

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What happened to this situation Debra?